Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Chicken Roaster’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Chicken Roaster

808. The Chicken Roaster

Aired November 14, 1996

Kramer is kept awake by the neon sign of a Kenny Rogers Roasters across the street. Elaine risks losing her job after buying George an expensive hat on the Peterman account.

Quote from Jerry

[Jerry enters the apartment without knocking. His hair is messy like Kramer's and he as frenetic energy.]
Jerry: Hi, buddy. I'm on no sleep. No sleep! You don't know what it's like in there. All night long, things are creeping and cracking. And that red light is burning my brain!
Elaine: You look a little stressed.
Jerry: Oh, I'm stressed!
Elaine: So, Kramer, what am I supposed to do? If I don't have that fur hat by four o'clock they're gonna take me down like Nixon.
Jerry: You know my friend Bob Sacamano?
Elaine: I thought he was Kramer's friend.
Jerry: Well, he called last night about 3 a.m. and we got to talking. He sells Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks.
Elaine: Forty bucks? Are they Sable?
Jerry: No, but the difference is unnoticeable.
Kramer: Oh yeah, I like this idea.
Elaine: All right, lets give it a shot. Let's go.
Jerry: Giddy up!

Rate

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: So Heather called?
George: Yeah, but get this. The message said, "Call me if you have the time". If I have the time, you get it?
Kramer: No, but this is all very exciting.
George: She knows that I have her clock. I know that she has my hat. I think she's getting ready to make an exchange.
Kramer: Of course, there's the possibility that you've gone right out of your mind.
George: I've looked at that. It seems unlikely.
Kramer: Well, I'd look again. So, how come you didn't call Jerry about all this?
George: I can't talk to Jerry anymore. Ever since he moved into that apartment he's too much, like you.
Kramer: That's a shame.

Quote from Newman

Jerry: Seth, you're the manager, can't you turn off the sign?
Seth: Jerry, I lied. I'm just an assistant manager. [over loud speaker] Number sixty seven, family feast.
Newman: Number 67, right here. Right here!
Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Seth: And don't forget your steamed broccoli.
Jerry: Hold it. Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce.
Newman: I love broccoli. It's good for you.
Jerry: Really? Then maybe you'd like to have a piece?
Newman: Gladly. [spits it out] Vie weed!
Jerry: It's Kramer isn't it? The greasy door knob, the constant licking of the fingers, he's hooked to the chicken isn't he?
Newman: Yes! Yes, now please. Someone, honey mustard. [drinks the mustard like it's scotch]

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: Elaine.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman.
[After the Burmese boy chops a fruit, Mr. Peterman scolds him in a foreign tongue. The boy runs out of the cave.]
Elaine: You speak Burmese?
J. Peterman: No, Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding the place?
Elaine: No, you're the only white-poet-warlord in the neighborhood.
J. Peterman: Are you an assassin?
Elaine: I work for your mail order catalog.
J. Peterman: You're an errand girl sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill.
Elaine: Well, actually, I do have a bill here. If you could just sign this expense form, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here.
J. Peterman: I'd be happy to, Elaine. But I will have to see this hat.
Elaine: Right.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: How's life on the red planet?
Kramer: It's killing me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, all I can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a chicken.
Jerry: Well, did you go down to the Kenny Rogers and complain?
Kramer: Ah, they gave me the heave-ho. You know, I don't think that Kenny Rogers has any idea what's going on down there.
[Kramer fills a bowl of cereal with tomato juice from the fridge]
Jerry: What are you doing?
Kramer: Getting some cereal
Jerry: That's tomato juice.
[Kramer spits out cereal]
Kramer: That looked like milk to me! Jerry, my rods and cones are all screwed up!

Quote from J. Peterman

Elaine: This is the Urban Sombrero. I put it in the last catalog cover.
J. Peterman: The horror. The horror.

Quote from George

George: A dollar eighty-nine. Why is this $1.89? Why is there no haggling in this country?
Jerry: I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a citrus drink.
George: Not me. Everything should be negotiable.
Jerry: Restaurants, too?
George: Absolutely. You're telling me there's no room to move on pasta? All starches are a scam.
Jerry: Yeah, especially ziti, with that big hole.

Quote from Jerry

Seth: So how's your stand up career?
Jerry: Good. As a matter of fact, I almost had my own show in Japan.
Seth: You speak Japanese?
Jerry: No.
Seth: So you would have done it in Japan, but in English?
Jerry: ... I don't know.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: [answers phone] Hello?
Ipswich: Good day, Ms. Benes, this is Roger Ipswich.
Elaine: Oh, hey. How are things doing in accounting?
Ipswich: Ms. Benes, I noticed you have been charging quite a bit of merchandise on the Peterman account.
Elaine: Well, I am the President.
Ipswich: Yes, and we're all very impressed. Nevertheless, the expense account is for business purposes only.
Elaine: Well, isn't the president allowed to do anything that they want?
Ipswich: No, I'll be in your office first thing tomorrow. Good day.
Elaine: Good day.

Quote from George

George: And I got a date with the sales woman. She's got a little Marisa Tomei thing going on.
Jerry: Ah, too bad you got a little George Costanza thing going on.
George: I'm going out with her tomorrow, she said she had some errands to run.
Jerry: That's a date?
George: What's the difference? You know they way I work, I'm like a commercial jingle. First, it's a little irritating, then you hear it a few times, you hum it in the shower, by the third date it's "By Mennen!".
Jerry: How do you make sure your gonna get to the third date?
George: If there's any doubt, I do a leave-behind: Keys, glove, scarf... I go back to her place to pick it up, date number two.
Jerry: That's so old. Why don't you just show up at her door in a wooden horse?

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Well, as you can see, the comforter I expensed is actually the Aristotle goose down tunic. So what do you think?
Ipswich: Another bull's-eye.
Elaine: Well, Mr. Ipswich, since every one of my expenses was obviously for a legitimate business purpose...
[Elaine uses her WaterPik to water her office plants]
Ipswich: I just need to see the sable hat you purchased yesterday.
Elaine: The hat? Why do you need to see the hat?
Ipswich: Because it costs eight-thousand dollars.
Elaine: What?
[As Elaine turns around, she sprays Mr. Ipswich with the WaterPik]

Quote from George

Heather: Thank,s George, but I got it from here.
George: Oh, no, I'm in already. Come on. [puts down shopping bags] So you want to get together tomorrow?
Heather: No, I'm gonna be pretty busy.
George: What about this weekend?
Heather: I'm gonna be busy for a while.
George: Okay. [George throws his keys on the table] See you.
Heather: Hey, you forgot your keys.
George: What, those aren't my keys?
Heather: Well, they're not mine.
George: Oh, they are my keys. How weird.
Heather: [phone rings] Goodbye, George.
George: Yeah, bye.
Heather: George, bye!
[As Heather turns to answer the phone, George puts his Russian hat on Heather's couch, hidden behind a pillow]
George: Costanza. [like "By Mennen"]

Quote from Elaine

Ipswich: Ms. Benes, the hat you charged to the company was Sable. This is Neutria.
Elaine: Well, that's a kind of sable.
Ipswich: No, it's a kind of rat.
Elaine: That's a rat hat?
Ipswich: And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have no choice but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors. Nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you this time.
Elaine: But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle.
Ipswich: And quite mad, too, from what I hear.
Elaine: Wait? Can I fire you?
Ipswich: No.


 Episode 807 Episode 809 
  Select another episode