Elaine: He has this power over me, okay? He has this way of manipulating every little word I say. He's like a Svenjolly.
George: Svengali.
Elaine: What did I say?
Jerry: Svenjolly.
Elaine: Svenjolly? I did not say Svenjolly.
Jerry: George?
George: Svenjolly.
Elaine: I don't see how I could have said Svenjolly.
Jerry: So maybe he's got like a cheerful mental hold on you.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Don't you hate "to be continueds" on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued coming". You know, you're watching the show. You're into the story. Then there's like five minutes left, and you realize: "Hey, they can't make it. Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes." I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see? I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm. Can you come back next week?"

[stand-up:]
Jerry: My parents had two constant arguments whilst they were driving, over either how fast my father was going or how much gas was left in the tank. My father had a standard defense for either one of these. It was always, "That's because you're looking at it from an angle. If you were over here- It looks from where you're sitting, it looks like I'm doing ninety on empty. But that's because you're over there. If you were over here, you'd know I'm in the driveway with a full tank."

Susan Ross: You're passing?
George: Well, it's much too low.
Susan Ross: Are you and Jerry in complete agreement on this?
George: [snorts] Ah, yeah, we've talked. I believe I can speak for the both of us on this.
Susan Ross: Because you know, because this is your first show this is a pretty standard deal.
George: Standard?
Susan Ross: Yeah.
George: Is Ted Danson's deal standard?
Susan Ross: Ted Danson?
George: You know, the guy from Cheers.
Susan Ross: Yeah, I know who he is. [laughs] You're not Ted Danson.
George: I didn't say I was Ted Danson.

Jerry: [over intercom] Yes?
Voice: [intercom] Federal Express.
Jerry: Federal Express? Come on up. [to the guys] Federal Express? I'm not expecting a package.
Kramer: Woo, you know what you just did? You let a burglar into the building.
Jerry: You think so?
Kramer: Federal Express? Of course. It's the oldest trick in the book. You know it might not be a burglar. It might be a murderer.
Jerry: So you want us to abolish all home package deliveries?
Kramer: Yes. It's dangerous.

Helen Seinfeld: Well, you must have done something.
Jerry: No, he just doesn't like me.
Helen Seinfeld: Doesn't like you? How can anyone not like you?
Jerry: You know, it seems impossible.
Helen Seinfeld: Doesn't like you? How could that be?
Jerry: Ma, I know this may be hard for you to understand but I am sure there are many people who do not like me.
Helen Seinfeld: [gasps] Huh, Jerry, don't say that.
Jerry: It's true.
Helen Seinfeld: No, it's not true. You're a wonderful, wonderful boy. Everybody likes you. It's impossible not to like you. Impossible.
Helen Seinfeld: Morty?
Morty Seinfeld: Maybe some people don't like him. I could see that.

Morty Seinfeld: I hope this doctor knows what he's doing.
Helen Seinfeld: Leo says he's the best there is.
Morty Seinfeld: Leo, I'm listening to Leo now!
Helen Seinfeld: You're lucky he was able to get you this appointment. You know what the waiting list is for this guy?
Morty Seinfeld: Well, if he fixes my back I'll be happy. [returns to the form] Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? That's it! [goes to the counter] Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough.

Morty Seinfeld: Hi, Morty Seinfeld. I have a two o'clock appointment.
Receptionist: Yes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please fill this out?
Morty Seinfeld: All this? This whole thing? It's going to take me forty-five minutes.
Receptionist: I know, it's very long.
Morty Seinfeld: [to Helen] Look at this. It's a book. Employer's address. What do they need this?

Jerry: What are you eating my peanut butter out of the jar with your disgusting index fingers? This is a sickening display.
George: I'm not eating bread now. I'm off bread.
Jerry: You're off bread.

Jerry: You what? You passed? How could you do that?
George: Jerry, my young friend... you're so naive. You are so, so nave. You know about a few things. You know about comedy, a little bit about relationships, some baseball, but you are so far out of your element here, you are embarrassing yourself. Now, listen to me. I am negotiating. Negotiation, this is what you do in business.
Jerry: Let me explain to you what you just did. There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them this year. They go with maybe five, okay? If we pass, they go to the next show.
George: Ooh, I'm scared. Oh, they're not going to do the show.
Jerry: We're lucky they're even interested in the idea in the first place. We got a show about nothing. With no story. What do you think, they're up there going, "Hey, maybe we should give those two guys, who have no experience and no idea, more money!"
George: Oh, what are we going to do? I'm shaking! I'm shaking!