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‘The Finale’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Finale

923. The Finale

Aired May 14, 1998

When NBC shows interest in Jerry's TV show again, the network offers him the use of their private jet. After the plane makes an unscheduled landing in Latham, Massachusets, the group witness a robbery and fail to intervene. Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer are put on a trial under a Good Samaritan law, which sees a parade of people from their past testify about their character.

Quote from Newman

Newman: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Newman. What gives?
Newman: I was speaking earlier with Kramer and he mentioned something about a private jet to Paris?
Jerry: Yeah, that's right.
Newman: Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year, and of course you know I'm one-quarter French.
Jerry: Really?
Newman: Oh, yes. In fact, I still have family there. This probably won't interest you, but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly. She's lost all use of her muscles. She can only communicate by blinking. I would so love to see her, bring a ray of sunshine into her tragic life. But alas, I can't afford it, for I am, as you know, but a simple postal worker.
Jerry: That's a shame.
Newman: Take me! Take me!
Jerry: Oh, forget it. Pull yourself together. You're making me sick. Be a man!
Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well. The day will come. Oh, yes. Mark my words, Seinfeld. Your day of reckoning is coming. When an evil wind will blow through your little play world, and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there, in all my glory, watching. Watching as it all comes crumbling down. [evil laugh]

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Quote from Jackie Chiles

D.A. Hoyt: Call Mabel Choate to the stand.
Bailiff: Call Mabel Choate.
Jackie Chiles: Your Honor. I most strenuously and vigorously object to this witness. She was not present at the time of the incident. Her testimony is irrelevant, irrational, and inconsequential.

Quote from Jerry

D.A. Hoyt: You've came a long way to be here today, haven't you?
Babu: Yes, all the way from Pakistan.
D.A. Hoyt: And what's your connection to the defendant?
Babu: I owned a restaurant. Seinfeld told me to change the menu to Pakistani. But nobody came! There were no people.
D.A. Hoyt: And then what happened?
Babu: Then, he got me an apartment in his building. But they mixed up the mail. And I never got my immigration renewal papers. So they deported me. It's all his fault. Him. And the woman. But they did not care. They're totally indifferent. All they do is mock me. Just like they did the fat fellow. All the time ,ocking, mocking, mocking, mocking, mocking. All the time! Now it is Babu's turn to mock. Finally I will have some justice. Send them away! Send them all away! Lock them up forever! They are not human. Very bad! Very, very, very bad! [wags finger]

Quote from George

George: I'm sorry, I have to say, I'm a little disappointed. I thought it would be a lot nicer.
Jerry: You're complaining about a private jet?
George: You think this is the plane that Ted Danson gets?
Jerry: Ted Danson is not even on the network anymore.
George: Still, I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this one.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: Who told you to put the cheese on? Did I tell you to put the cheese on? I didn't tell you to put the cheese on.
Secretary: [over intercom] Jerry Seinfeld on the phone.
Jackie Chiles: You people with the cheese, it never ends. Hello? Mmm-huh. Mmm-huh. Mmm-huh. Uh huh. Good Samaritan Law? I never heard of it. You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's all about. That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable. Hold on. Suzie, cancel my appointment with Dr. Bison. And pack a bag for me. I want to get to Latham, Massachusetts, right away.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Judge Vandelay: Mr. Chiles?
Jackie Chiles: I am shocked and chagrined. Mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayers' time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing. Lying and laughing, laughing and lying. Do you know what these four people were? They were innocent bystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent. Bystanders. Because that's exactly what they were. We know they were bystanders, nobody's disputing that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no. They want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal. The guilty bystander. Don't you let them do it. Only you can stop them.

Quote from George

D.A. Hoyt: So, Donald, would you please tell the court about the incident that occurred in your house, October 7th, 1992.
Bubble Boy: Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house, but his friend Costanza showed up instead, so I challenged him to a game of Trivial Pursuit.
[flashback to George playing Trivial Pursuit with the bubble boy, being strangled by the bubble boy, puncturing the bubble]
George: It was Moops!
Bubble Boy: [o.s.] Moors.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Sorry to bother you, Judge.
Judge Vandelay: How did you get in here?
Estelle Costanza: Please. If he's found guilty, please be kind to him. He's a good boy.
Judge Vandelay: This is highly irregular.
Estelle Costanza: Well, maybe there's something I can do for you.
Judge Vandelay: What do you mean?
Estelle Costanza: You know.

Quote from Jerry

Judge Vandelay: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
Foreman: We have, Your Honor.
Judge Vandelay: Will the defendants please rise. And how do you find, with respect to the charge of criminal indifference?
Foreman: We find the defendants... guilty.
Judge Vandelay: Order! Order! Order in this court, I will clear this room. I do not know how, or under what circumstances the four of you found each other. But your callous indifference and utter disregard for everything that is good and decent has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built. I can think of nothing more fitting than for the four of you to spend a year removed from society so that you can contemplate the manner in which you have conducted yourselves. I know I will. This court is adjourned.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: I hope you packed enough. This trial could last for weeks.
Morty Seinfeld: What's all that?
Helen Seinfeld: Cereal.
Morty Seinfeld: You're packing cereal?
Helen Seinfeld: I'm bringing it for Jerry.
Morty Seinfeld: You got enough here for a life sentence.
Helen Seinfeld: He likes it. He says he misses that more that anything.
Morty Seinfeld: So bring a snack-pack.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: Is everybody ready? Didn't I tell you I wanted you to wear the cardigan?
George: It makes me look older.
Jackie Chiles: Look older? Do you think this is a game? Is that what you think this is? I'm trying to give you a moral compass. You have no moral compass. You're going to walk into that courtroom, and the jury's going to see a mean, nasty, evil George Costanza. I want them to see Perry Como. No one's going to convict Perry Como. Perry Como helps out a fat tub who's getting robbed.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

D.A. Hoyt: So you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt on the Today Show?
Leslie: [mumble]
[Everyone in the courthouse leans forward to try hear her]
D.A. Hoyt: Excuse me?
Jackie Chiles: Uh, excuse me, Your Honor, but what is the point of this testimony? This woman's a low-talker. I can't hear a word she's saying. So either get some other kind of microphone up there, or let's move on.

Quote from Elaine

Soup Nazi: But the idiot clowns did not know how to order. I banned that one, the woman, for a year. Then one day, she came back.
[flashback to Elaine gloating about having the Soup Nazi's recipes]
Soup Nazi: She published my recipes. I had to close the store and move to Argentina. She ruined my business!
Elaine: His soup's not all that good anyway.
Soup Nazi: What did you say?!

Quote from George

George: Jerry? Jerry, can you hear me?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: There's something I have to tell you.
Jerry: What? What is it?
George: I cheated in the contest.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: What?
George: The contest, I cheated.
Jerry: Why?
George: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.

Quote from George

Elaine: Well, what are we going to do about Paris? I mean, are we actually going to get back on this plane?
Jerry: I say we go back to New York, and take a regular flight.
George: I'm not getting on a regular plane now. I'm all psyched up to go on a private jet. No way I'm getting on a regular plane.
Elaine: Well, I'm sure that they would fly us first class.
George: First class doesn't make it anymore. Now, you get on the phone with Kimbrough, tell him what happened and tell him to get another plane down here. But this time, the good one. The Ted Danson plane.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Poor Georgie. Was it our fault this happened to him? Did we do something wrong? Maybe it was our fault.
Frank Costanza: Maybe it was your fault. It wasn't my fault. I can tell you that.
Estelle Costanza: Oh, so it was my fault, but not yours.
Frank Costanza: You were the one who smothered him.
Estelle Costanza: I did not smother him.
Frank Costanza: You smothered! He couldn't get any air! He couldn't breathe! He was suffocating!
Estelle Costanza: Sure, and you were always in Korea with your religious chachkis.
Frank Costanza: I had to make a living!

Quote from Jerry

Marla Penny: A contest.
D.A. Hoyt: Contest?
Marla Penny: Yes.
D.A. Hoyt: What was the nature of the contest?
Marla Penny: Oh please, I can't.
D.A. Hoyt: It's okay.
Marla Penny: The four of them made a wager to see if they could--
D.A. Hoyt: Yes?
Marla Penny: To see who could go the longest without gratifying themselves. [gasps and moans across the courtroom]
J. Peterman: For the love of God!
Marla Penny: It was horrible, horrible!

Quote from George

D.A. Hoyt: Call Donald Sanger to the stand.
Jerry: Who the hell is that?
Mr. Sanger: Come on Donald, you're doing fine.
George: The Bubble Boy!
Jackie Chiles: Bubble Boy?
Jerry: That's right, the Bubble Boy.
Jackie Chiles: What's a Bubble Boy?
Jerry: He's a boy who lives in a bubble.
Bubble Boy: [o.s.] What the hell are all you looking at?

Quote from Jerry

D.A. Hoyt: State your name.
Bookman: Bookman, Joe Bookman.
D.A. Hoyt: And what's your occupation?
Bookman: I'm a library cop.
D.A. Hoyt: What does a library cop do?
Bookman: We chase down library delinquents.
D.A. Hoyt: Anyone in this room ever delinquent?
Bookman: Yeah, he was. Right over there. Seinfeld.
D.A. Hoyt: How long was his book overdue?
Bookman: 25 years. We don't call them delinquent after that long.
D.A. Hoyt: What do you call them?
Bookman: Criminals.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

D.A. Hoyt: Call Yev Kassem to the stand.
Bailiff: Call Yev Kassem.
Jerry: Who?
Elaine: The Soup Nazi!
Jackie Chiles: Soup Nazi? You people have a little pet name for everybody.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Sidra: Come on, Jackie. Let's go.
Jerry: What?
Jackie Chiles: Oh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.

Quote from George

Bailiff: All rise. The Fourth District County Court, Latham, Massachusetts is now in session. The Honorable Judge Arthur Vandelay presiding.
George: Vandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay?
Jackie Chiles: Vanda-who?
George: Jerry, did you hear that?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: I think that's a good sign.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. "I would really like to sit down with you." "I think we need to sit down and talk." "Why don't you come in, and we'll sit down." Well, sometimes the sitting down doesn't work. People get mad at the sitting. "You know, we've been sitting here for I don't know how long. How much longer are we just going to sit here?" I'll tell you what I think we should do. I think we should all sleep on it. Maybe we're not getting down low enough. Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Well, what are you doing?
George: I'm writing.
Estelle Costanza: You know how to write?
Frank Costanza: Without the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good.
Estelle Costanza: Since when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything.
George: Ma?!
Estelle Costanza: I don't know how you're going to write all those shows. And where are you get all the ideas?
Frank Costanza: Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence!
George: I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing.
Estelle Costanza: Nothing, please. I'll tell you the truth, the whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: This is excellent, huh? Don't worry, I didn't use too much milk, because I know we gotta make it last.
Jerry: You know, I've had to reduce my milk level. My whole life I've always filled to at least three quarters, sometimes, to the top of the cereal. Now, to conserve, I can't even see the milk anymore. It's a big adjustment.
Kramer: I bet.
Jerry: It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Quote from George

D.A. Hoyt: So you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died?
Dr. Wexler: Yes, that's right. It was May 16th, 1996. I'll never forget it.
D.A. Hoyt: So you broke the news to Mr. Costanza? Could you tell the court, please, what his reaction was?
Dr. Wexler: I would describe it as restrained jubilation.
Mr. Ross: Murderer!
Mrs. Ross: He killed our daughter! He knew those envelopes were toxic!
Judge Vandelay: Order in this court!

Quote from George

Kimbrough: Why don't we sit down, glad you're here.
George: Woo! Some day out there - You ever see weather like that? Woo! It's crisp. It's crispy crisp.
Jerry: Shut up, George.
Kimbrough: Can I get you anything?
George: What do we have in the fruit department?
Jerry: Oy.
Stu: Pineapple.
George: Oh, that's a dangerous fruit. It's like a weapon that thing. Got spikes on the end. You can get killed from one of those things.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: [on the phone] Congratulations, they're doing the show.
Morty Seinfeld: They should have put that show on 5 years ago. Bunch of idiots at that network. Can I tell you something, Jerry? It's all crap on TV. The only thing I watch is Xena: the Warrior Princess. She must be about 6'6".
Helen Seinfeld: She's not 6'6".
Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, you ever watch that?
Jerry: Yeah, it's pretty good.

Quote from George

Elaine: What about Switzerland?
Kramer: Oh, Switzerland. The von Trapp family, huh?
George: It's a bit hilly, no?
Elaine: You're not going to do any walking.
George: What if I want to walk around a little?
Elaine: So then you'll walk down the hill and we'll pick you up.
George: What if I'm at the bottom?
Elaine: All right, you know what, just forget it.

Quote from Jerry

D.A. Hoyt: I call Marla Penny to the stand.
Bailiff: Call Marla Penny.
Jerry: The virgin!

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

D.A. Hoyt: So George Costanza came to work for you in May of 1994?
Mr. Steinbrenner: Yes, that's right, he was good kid. A lovely boy. Shared his calzone with me. That was a heck of a sandwich, wasn't it, Georgie?
George: Yes, sir, that was a good sandwich, sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: He had one little problem though.
D.A. Hoyt: What was that?
Mr. Steinbrenner: He was a communist. Pink as they come. Like a big juicy steak!
Frank Costanza: How could you give twelve million dollars to Hideki Irabu?!
Judge Vandelay: Order!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: If I call Jill from prison, do you think that would make up for the other ones?
Jerry: Sure.
Elaine: Because you only get one call. The prison call is like the king of calls.
Jerry: I think that would be a very nice gesture.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [points to George's cardigan] See, now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George: Really?
Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high. It's in no-man's land.
George: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Oh, I forgot to call Jill. [on cell phone] Jill. Hi, it's Elaine. How is your father? Is everything okay? What? I can't hear you so good. There's a lot of static. What? I'm going to call you back. [hangs up]
Jerry: Jill's father is in the hospital and you call to ask about him on a cell phone?
Elaine: What? No good?
Jerry: Faux pas.
Elaine: Faux pas?
George: Big hefty, stinking faux pas.
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: You can't make a health inquiry on a cell phone. It's like saying "I don't want to take up any of my important time in my home so I'll just get it out of the way on the street."
George: And the street cell phone call is the lowest phone call you can make.
Jerry: It's an act of total disregard. It's selfish.
George: It's dismissive.
Jerry: It's pompous.
George: Why don't you think before you do something?
Elaine: Here's a thought. Bye-bye. [walks off]
George: [to Jerry] Too much?

Quote from George

George: Water. Need some water. Water here.
Jerry: Okay, now listen, I don't want any scenes in here like the last time.
George: Don't worry, don't worry, no scenes.
Jerry: Don't blow this.
George: I will not blow this.
Jerry: If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts.
George: It's fine. It doesn't have to be about nothing.
Jerry: He might not want nothing.
George: Something, nothing, I could care less.
Jerry: He might want a show about anything and everything.
George: Anything. Everything. Something. Nothing. Who the hell cares? Put me down. I'm down!
Jerry: All right.

Quote from George

Stu: This is James Kimbrough.
Kimbrough: Nice to meet you, pleasure, thanks for coming in.
George: Kimbrough.
Jerry: Don't spell.
George: K-I-M-B-R-O-U-G-H.
Kimbrough: That's right.
George: It's a talent I have.

Quote from George

Kimbrough: Anyway, let me tell you why I called. When I took over here last month, I reviewed what was in development, and it was pretty much same old, same old.
George: Been there, done that.
Kimbrough: Right. I was looking for something different. Something that would have people talking at the water coolers.
George: Water coolers?
Jay: We call it a water-cooler show.
Jerry: Because the next day in the offices, people gather around the water coolers to talk about it, right?
George: See, I think people would talk about it at the coffee machines.
Jerry: Well, it's probably just easier to say "water cooler show" than "coffee machine show."
George: It's really not accurate. Nobody drinks from a water cooler any more, they use bottles.
Jerry: But I think Mr. Kimbrough makes a good point.

Quote from George

Kimbrough: He said it was a show about nothing. So, I saw the pilot and I've got to tell you, I flipped out.
Jay: He totally flipped out.
Kimbrough: What I want to do is put it on the air. 13-episode commitment. Start it off on Wednesday night, build up an audience. This show needs time to grow. I love that Kramer guy.
Jerry: He's a little off-the-wall.
Jay: Oh yeah.
Stu: Kramer.
Kimbrough: And Elaine - I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you two.
Jerry: Definitely.
George: I tell you, I really don't think so-called relationship humor is what this show is all about.
Kimbrough: Or we could not do the show altogether, how about that?
George: Or we could get them together! Woo!

Quote from Kramer

George: So? Where are we going?
Kramer: Well, I say Japan.
Elaine: Why Japan?
Kramer: Oh, geishas. You know, they cater to your every whim. They're shy at first, but they're quite skilled at conversation. They can discuss anything from world affairs to the fine art of fishing. Or baking.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Oh, I got it. How about Russia?
Jerry: Russia. It's so bleak.
Elaine: It's not bleak, it's springtime.
Jerry: It's still bleak.
Elaine: You can't be bleak in spring.
Jerry: You can be bleak in spring.
George: If you're bleak, you're bleak.

Quote from George

Kramer: Mmm. It's pretty good chow, huh?
George: Would it kill him to check up on us? No. Drops off the meals and that's it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to ketchup!

Quote from Jerry

Geraldo Rivera: Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Tonight we'll be talking about what most of you have probably been discussing in your homes, and around the water coolers in your offices. I am speaking of course of the controversial Good Samaritan trial that gets underway Thursday in Latham, Massachusetts. Now, before we meet our distinguished panel, let's go to Latham live, where Jane Wells is standing by. Jane.
Jane Wells: Yes. Good evening, Geraldo.
Geraldo Rivera: What's the mood? What's going on tonight?
Jane Wells: Well, Latham is fairly quite tonight, considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint little town.
Geraldo Rivera: And what about the defendants, the so-called New York Four. How are they holding up?
Jane Wells: Well, I did speak with one of the deputies who has some contact with them, and he told me quote, "There's no love lost with that group."
Geraldo Rivera: Anything else, Jane?
Jane Wells: There also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld, and Ms. Benes. The rumor is that they once dated, and it's possible that ended badly.
Geraldo Rivera: Well, ladies and gentlemen, who know, maybe this trial will bring them closer together. Maybe they'll even end up getting married.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: Do you think it's funny?
Jerry: No.
Jackie Chiles: You damn right it isn't. You better not be carrying on laughing in that courtroom, funny man. Cause if you start getting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks, acting a fool, you gonna find yourself in here for a long, long time. I don't like that tie. Suzie, get one of my ties from my briefcase.
Elaine: How do I look, Jackie?
Jackie Chiles: Oh, you looking good. You look strong. You're one fine-looking sexy lady.
Elaine: Thank you, Jackie.
Kramer: How about me, Jackie?
Jackie Chiles: Kramer, you always look good. You got respect for yourself. You're genuine. Jury's going to pick up on that.

Quote from Jerry

D.A. Hoyt: Ladies and gentlemen, last year, our City Council by a vote of twelve to two, passed a Good Samaritan Law. Now, essentially, we made it a crime to ignore a fellow human being in trouble. Now this group from New York not only ignored, but, as we will prove, they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint. I can guarantee you one other thing, ladies and gentlemen, this is not the first time they have behaved in this manner. On the contrary, they have quite a record of mocking and maligning. This is a history of selfishness, self-absorption, immaturity, and greed. And you will see how everyone who has come into contact with these four individuals has been abused, wronged, deceived and betrayed. This time, they have gone too far. This time they are going to be held accountable. This time, they are the ones who will pay.
[Newman shown eating popcorn in the courtroom]

Quote from George

[George sees NBC executives Stu Chermack and Jay Crespi enter the court room]
George: Hey, great plane! Thanks a lot. Piece of junk. You know, you almost got us killed!

Quote from Jerry

D.A. Hoyt: Now, Mrs. Choate, would you please tell the court what happen the evening of January 4th.
Mabel Choate: Well, I was in Snitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man.
D.A. Hoyt: Let the record show that she is pointing at Mr. Seinfeld. What did he want?
Mabel Choate: My marble rye.
D.A. Hoyt: Your marble rye?
Mabel Choate: I got the last one. He kept persisting, and I said no.
D.A. Hoyt: And then you left the bakery.
Mabel Choate: That's right.
D.A. Hoyt: But it didn't end there, did it, Mrs. Choate?
Mabel Choate: Oh, no.
[flashback to Jerry mugging Mabel Choate for her marble rye]

Quote from Jackie Chiles

D.A. Hoyt: Call Sidra Holland to the stand.
Jackie Chiles: Whew! Look at this one. She's fine. She's a twelve. And you dated her?

Quote from Elaine

D.A. Hoyt: So you met Jerry Seinfeld in a health club sometime in 1993?
Sidra: Yes.
D.A. Hoyt: And you also met Miss Benes in that same health club?
Sidra: Yes, that's true.
D.A. Hoyt: Would you describe the circumstances of that meeting.
Sidra: We were in the sauna, making chit-chat.
[flashback to Elaine tumbling into Sidra's breasts in the sauna]
D.A. Hoyt: So, she pretended to trip, and she fell into your breasts?
Sidra: Yes.
D.A. Hoyt: Why would she do something like that?
Sidra: Because he sent her in there to find out if they were real.

Quote from George

D.A. Hoyt: So you and Mr. Costanza were dating.
Robin: Yes.
D.A. Hoyt: And then what happened?
Robin: Well, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and -
[flashback to George pushing women and children out of the way as he escapes a fire in the apartment]

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Guard: At the time, I was employed as a security guard in the parking lot at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall.
[flashback to Jerry being apprehended for public urination, then lying about a medical condition]
D.A. Hoyt: Uromycitisis! I wonder if they're having any trouble controlling themselves during this trial? Perhaps these two hooligans would like to have a pee party right here in the courtroom!
Jackie Chiles: Objection, Your Honor. This is completely inappropriate. My clients' medical condition is not on trial here. I refer you to the Disability Act of 1990.
Judge Vandelay: Sit down, Mr. Chiles.

Quote from Elaine

Pharmacist: Sponges. I don't mean the kind you clean your tub with. They're for sex. Said she needed a whole case of them.

Quote from Elaine

D.A. Hoyt: How did she try to kill you?
Mr. Pitt: She tried to smother me with a pillow.

Quote from George

D.A. Hoyt: State your name.
Soup Nazi: Yev Kassem.
D.A. Hoyt: Could you spell that?
Soup Nazi: No, next question.
D.A. Hoyt: How do you know the defendants?
Soup Nazi: They used to come to my restaurant.
[flashback to George and Jerry ordering soup. After George raises the fact he didn't get any bread, he is banned from the store by The Soup Nazi.]

Quote from Jerry

D.A. Hoyt: The state calls Mr. Babu Bhatt to the stand.
Jerry: How did they find Babu?
Elaine: I thought he was deported.

Quote from Jerry

Geraldo Rivera: Hi everybody, I'm Geraldo Rivera and welcome to this special edition of Rivera Live. Well, arguments in the Good Samaritan trial ended today. The jury has been in deliberation for four and a half hours now. Let's go live to Jane Wells who is in Latham, Massachusetts, covering this trial for us. Jane.
Jane Wells: Geraldo, just a few minutes ago, the jury asked to see the video tape.
Geraldo Rivera: That's the one where they are overheard making sarcastic remarks during the robbery.
Jane Wells: Yes, it's a very incriminating piece of evidence. But I must tell you, Geraldo, this courtroom and everyone who has attended this trial is still reeling from the endless parade of witness who have come forth so enthusiastically to testify against these four seemingly ordinary people. One even had the feeling that if Judge Vandelay didn't finally put a stop to it, it could've gone on for months.
Geraldo Rivera: Jane, whose testimony do you think resonated most strongly with this jury?
Jane Wells: That is so hard to say. Certainly, there's the doctor with the poison invitations. The Bubble Boy was an extremely sympathetic and tragic figure. And that bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well with this small-town jury.There's the woman they sold the defective wheelchair to. The deported Pakistani restaurateur. Geraldo, it just went on, and on, and on, into the night.
Geraldo Rivera: And so we wait.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Sidra: Oh, Jackie, you're so articulate.
Jackie Chiles: We have plenty of time, too. This jury could be out for days. [phone rings] Hello? Damn. [hangs up] They're ready.

Quote from George

George: You had to hop! You had to hop on the plane.

Quote from David Puddy

Elaine: Puddy, don't wait for me.
David Puddy: All right.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: [shaking an unconscious Estelle] We gotta get out of here. We want to beat the traffic.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Well, it's only a year. That's not so bad. We'll be out in a year. And then we'll be back
Kramer: Could be fun. Don't have to worry about your meals, or what you're going to do Saturday night. And they do shows. Yeah, we could put on a show. Maybe "Bye Bye Birdie" or "My Fair Lady". Elaine, you could be Liza Doolittle.
Elaine: Why don't you just blow it out your a-
Kramer: [cuts her off]

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up in prison:]
Jerry: So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. [Kramer is the only one to laugh] And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. [Kramer still the only one laughing] So, anyone from Cellblock D?
Prisoner #1: [o.s.] I am.
Jerry: I'll talk slower. I'm kidding. I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?
Prisoner #2: [o.s.] Murder one.
Jerry: Murder one? Ooh, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir, lighten up. How about you, what are you in for?
Prisoner #3: Grand theft auto.
Jerry: Grand theft auto, don't steal any of my jokes.
Prisoner #1: You suck. I'm gonna cut you.
Jerry: Hey, I don't come down to where you work, and knock the license plate out of your hand.
Guard: All right, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.
Jerry: All right, hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria. [Kramer applauds]


 Episode 921
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