Elaine: How about if you bring me back something?
George: Sure, all right. What do you want?
Elaine: Um, hum, I don't know.. . . A big salad?
George: What big salad? I'm going to the coffee shop.
Elaine: They have big salads.
George: I've never seen a big salad.
Elaine: They have a big salad.
George: Is that what I ask for, the big salad?
Elaine: It's okay, you don't…
George: No, no. Hey I'll get it. What's in the big salad?
Jerry: Big lettuce, big carrots, tomatoes like volleyballs.

Jerry: Newman! She went out with Newman!
Elaine: It must be a mistake.
Jerry: No, it isn't. And the most distressing part of it is not that she went out with him, but that he stopped seeing her. Do you understand? He, Newman. Newman stopped seeing her. Newman never stopped seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him. Not so much why she did see him as disturbing as that is. But why, did he, Newman, stop seeing her?
Elaine: Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.
Jerry: No, there's less.
Elaine: It's possible.
Jerry: No, it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.
Elaine: Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Jerry: Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I find it fascinating when you go into a stationery store that they're manufacturing millions of pens, constantly. We're all buying them. I must have bought 6,000 Bics in my life. I've used up maybe two of
them. Where are the rest of them? When you move the refrigerator, there's always a couple back there but it doesn't account for it. Where are all the pens? That's why it's so embarrassing if you don't have one. "You got a pen? Can I borrow a pen?" We always have to whisper because it's so humiliating. "I don't have a pen." "They're making millions of them every week!" "I know. Where are they?"

George: Well, well, well. I'm not treating you to lunch anymore! You had to tell Julie that I made a special point of telling you that I bought you the big salad, didn't you?
Elaine: Oh.
George: You know, if it was a regular salad I wouldn't have said anything. But you had to have the big salad!

George: So did you enjoy your lunch?
Elaine: Yeah. The big salad. It was very good. Actually it was too big. [both chuckle] Why?
George: Oh... No... Because she handed you the bag. I could have handed you the bag. She just happened to pick it up at the restaurant even though...
Elaine: Even though what?
George: No, it's just you thanked her, and, oh... What's the difference?
Elaine: What? What are you trying to say, George?
George: It's just that I was the one who actually paid for the big salad. She just happened to hand it to you. But it's no big deal.
Elaine: You want the money for the big salad, George?
George: No, no.
Elaine: Then what is the problem?
George: There is no problem. Just a small miscommunication. Whereby you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for purchasing the big salad.

Elaine: Oh, how did you end up playing golf with him?
Kramer: Well, I met him on the course a couple of years ago. Yeah. Played with him a lot. But today was it! We're on the fifteenth hole. Yeah, he's beating me by a couple of strokes. Then, he's about to hit his second shot, when, he picks up the ball and cleans it.
Elaine: So what?
Kramer: Umph! Sorry! But the rules clearly state that you cannot clean the ball unless it's on the green. The rules are very clear about that.
Jerry: Certainly are.
Kramer: Yeah, so I penalized him a stroke.
Jerry: Ah, so what happened?
Kramer: He lost it! We almost came to blows. We're like face to face, like a manager and an umpire. We're like, [rabid] "Hey, what are you talking about?!" "You think I'm gonna put up with that?!"
Jerry: All right. You're in my face.
Elaine: I still don't see what the big deal is.
Kramer: A rule is a rule. And let's face it, without rules there's chaos.

Newman: Hello, Jerry. What a rare treat. What brings you down to the east wing?
Jerry: Okay, pudgy, lets stop playing games. Now, what happened with Margaret?
Newman: There's no need to get excited. Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?
Jerry: No, we can't. My skin is crawling just being inside your little rat's nest. Now, what happened?
Newman: Do you really want to know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. She wasn't my type.
Jerry: Not your type?
Newman: Not really.
Jerry: Well, how come?
Newman: Oh, she just didn't do it for me.
Jerry: What? What is wrong with her?
Newman: Well, if you're happy with her, that's all that matters.
Jerry: You don't think she's attractive?
Newman: No. I need a really pretty face. But, hey, that's me.
Jerry: Okay, Newman, thanks a lot.
Newman: Care for some lemonade?
Jerry: No, thank you.
Newman: Drop by anytime, Jerry. [laughs]

Elaine: Maybe I should just get married.
Jerry: Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn't it?
Elaine: I know. You know, whenever I'm on a date I feel people can tell.
Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
Elaine: You can say that again.
Jerry: It's embarrassing for them. It's painful for us to watch. I'm going out with someone later, I'm not even taking her out of the house.
Elaine: Good for you.
Jerry: I don't need a bunch of people staring at us.
Elaine: You're telling me.

George: Did you see what just happened here?
Jerry: Well, that all depends.
George: Did you happen to notice that Julie handed the big salad to Elaine?
Jerry: Yeah, so?
George: Well, she didn't buy the big salad. I bought the big salad.
Jerry: Is that a fact?
George: Yes, it is. She just took credit for my salad. That's not right.
Jerry: No, it isn't.
George: I mean, I'm the one who bought it.
Jerry: Yes, you did.
George: You think she should have said something?
Jerry: She could have.
George: Oh, I know.
Jerry: Imagine, her taking credit for your big salad.
George: You know, you buy a big salad for somebody it would be nice if they knew it.

Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry. I was wondering if you knew where Kramer was.
Jerry: No, no I don't. Why?
Newman: You know, Gendason. This is something big.
Jerry: I suppose.
Newman: What did Kramer say?
Jerry: I don't know. Nothing.
Newman: Come on Jerry. You know something. Tell me! Tell me! Ooh, chocolates. Margaret?
Margaret: Hello.
Jerry: You two know each other?
Newman: You might say that.
Margaret: We used to go out.
Newman: Well, toodle-oo. And nice seeing you again, Margaret. Goodbye, Jerry. Have fun.