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‘The Junk Mail’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Junk Mail

905. The Junk Mail

Aired October 30, 1997

Kramer tries to get out of the postal system. George's parents start avoiding him. Jerry's friend gets him a van instead of a new Saab. Elaine falls for a guy in a fairy tale moment.

Quote from Kramer

Mail Clerk: May I help you?
Kramer: Yeah, I'd like to cancel my mail.
Mail Clerk: Certainly. How long would you like us to hold it?
Kramer: Oh, no, no. I don't think you get me. I want out, permanently.

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Quote from Newman

Newman: Oh, calm down, everyone. No one's cancelling any mail.
Kramer: [whispers] Oh, yes, I am.
Newman: What about your bills?
Kramer: The bank can pay them.
Newman: [scoffs] The bank. What about your cards and letters?
Kramer: E-mail, telephones, fax machines. Fedex, telex, telegrams. Holograms.
Newman: All right, it's true! Of course nobody needs mail. What do you think, you're so clever for figuring that out? But you don't know the half of what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.

Quote from Newman

Newman: You're in trouble, Kramer. I shouldn't even be talking to you, but I'm telling you as a friend. Here's how it's going to happen. You may be walking. Maybe on a crisp, autumn day just like today. When a mail truck will
slow beside you, and a door will open, and a mailman you know, maybe even trust, will offer to give you a lift.
Kramer: Are you through?
Newman: No! And no one will ever see you again!
Kramer: Are you through?
Newman: Yes. No, wait! OK, yes. [seeing agents] Quick! Get in!
Kramer: Oh, no, no, no. That's exactly how you said it was going down.
Newman: There's another way it can go down, and it's going down right now!
Kramer: No. You said a mailman I know, and you're a mailman I know!
Newman: I know you know, but you don't know what I know.
[Kramer is grabbed by the agents]

Quote from Frank Costanza

George: Welcome back.
Estelle Costanza: [gasps]
George: Pretty quick for a... catered affair.
Frank Costanza: I don't know what you mean.
George: You ditched me. That's twice. Now I demand to know what's going on!
Frank Costanza: George, we've had it with you. Understand, we love you like a son, but even parents have limits.
Estelle Costanza: The breakups, the firings, and every Sunday with the calls.
Frank Costanza: What my wife is trying to say is that this is supposed to be our time.
George: I'm not following.
Frank Costanza: I'm sorry, George, we're cutting you lose.
George: You're cutting me loose?
Frank Costanza: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make love to your mother.

Quote from George

Rhisa: All right, George. I'm ready.
George: Yeah, hold on. I'm, uh, I'm just trying to get a reading on my dashboard compass. Where are my parents?
Rhisa: Georgie.
Frankie: [yells through the window] Is this Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van? Seinfeld's van?!
Rhisa: Wait. What's he saying?
George: I think he's saying Son of Sam! Oh, my God!
Rhisa: No, they caught him.
George: [running away] I knew it wasn't Berkowitz!

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: What you saw in that van was a natural expression of a man's love for his lady.
George: [whimpers]
Estelle Costanza: Your father's right. It's beautiful.
Frank Costanza: And it was safe.
George: Oh, God.
Frank Costanza: Now if you'll excuse me, once again, your mother and I...
George: Oh, make it stop.

Quote from George

Jerry: You know who set this whole thing up for me? Frank Merman.
George: Fragile Frankie Merman? I never liked that guy.
Jerry: Why? He's harmless.
George: Every summer you guys went to camp together. I was jealous. Felt like he was the summer me.
Jerry: He was not the summer you. Besides, you had a summer me. Whitey Fisk, the guy who snuck you into Last Tango in Paris.
George: I made him up.
Jerry: So you never saw Last Tango in Paris?
George: No.
Jerry: Too bad. It was erotic.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, I've had it with these jackbooted thugs!
Jerry: Pottery Barn?
Kramer: I got three Pottery Barn catalogs in one day. That makes eight this month.
George: [looking at cover] Mira Sorvino. Think she'd go out with me?
Jerry: Why don't you just throw 'em out?
Kramer: Oh, no. I've been saving them up here in your apartment. And now, it's payback time. Pottery Barn is in for a world of hurt.

Quote from George

Jerry: So you wanna grab a bite?
George: I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.
Jerry: So call now.
George: I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes, a few you-were-right-abouts. It's a whole procedure.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: [answers phone] Hello?
George: Hey, it's Georgie.
Estelle Costanza: Let me put your father on the phone.
George: Ma!
Frank Costanza: [takes phone] Who is this?
George: Dad, it's me. Hey, listen, I was at Fortunoff's the other day, and, you know what, you were right.
Estelle Costanza: [knocks, feigns a Chinese accent] Chinese food.
Frank Costanza: Sorry, George, our Chinese food just came. Talk to you later.
George: Chinese food?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Will you look at this? More catalogs! Omaha Steaks, Mac Warehouse, Newsweek?! I can't stop all these companies, so, I'm gonna attack this problem at the choke point.
Jerry: Stop the mail?
Kramer: That's even better!

Quote from Frank Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Oh, Georgie, what are you doing here?
George: Just dropped in for a visit. You, uh, you never called me back.
Estelle Costanza: Uh... the phone broke.
Frank Costanza: Well, we got to get moving.
George: What? Where are you going?
Frank Costanza: We have a catered affair.
George: You're going like that?
Frank Costanza: It's creative black tie. Move, woman.
George: [checks the fridge] No Chinese leftovers. George is getting suspicious!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Check it out. Rain and sleet may not stop them, but let's see them get by these bricks.
[Kramer has filled the inside of his mail box with bricks]
Jerry: Where'd you get the bricks?
Kramer: Jerry, the whole building is brick.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Come on, Jerry, just let me help you.
Jerry: OK.
Kramer: All right! OK! Right, here we go. Yeah. OK, so... "For sale. A big, juicy van." And, ooh, you gotta put down, "interesting trades considered."
Jerry: I don't want to trade.
Kramer: No, you don't have to. It's all about tickling their buying bone.
Jerry: Hey, you know what? This is all your mail. They're putting it in my box now.
Kramer: Oh, that's it. They have gone too far. They keep pushing me and pushing me. Now I got no choice but to go down there... and talk to them.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [inspecting the van] So, how come you're selling it?
Jerry: You know why I'm selling it. I hate it.
Kramer: How many miles?
Jerry: Two.
Kramer: City or highway?
Jerry: Look, do you really want to buy this thing, or what?
Kramer: Hey, hey. Take it easy. I'm not gonna be pressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? [breaks antenna] I'm not paying for that.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: All right, just get out of here.
Kramer: All right, look. I'm going to be honest. I'm very interested in the van.
Jerry: Okay, fine. What do I have to do to put you in this van today?
Kramer: Well, I don't really have any money. But it says right here, "interesting trades considered".
Jerry: You put that in!
Kramer: And I'm glad I did. Here.
Jerry: You want to trade me an undershirt?
Kramer: No, I want to trade you screen legend Anthony Quinn's undershirt. He took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it.
Jerry: That's disgusting.
Kramer: Well, it's my final offer.

Quote from Elaine

David Puddy: You dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman.
Elaine: Look, I'm sorry, Puddy. It-it was a mistake. So, let's just put it behind us, and we can continue like this never happened.
David Puddy: Gee, I don't know. What if we're out somewhere and you see the Maytag repairman.
Elaine: You're not taking me back?
David Puddy: That's right. [leaves]
Elaine: He's not idiotic. He's the Wiz. And nobody beats him. Nobody.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Hey, how's the anti-mail campaign going?
Kramer: Oh, it's fantastic. We were out in front of the post office today, and not one person went in.
Jerry: It's Sunday.
George: Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
Kramer: Huh? Well, it symbolizes our persecution.
George: Then... shouldn't you be wearing the bucket.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: So I told him, "Hit the road. I'm going back with Jack."
Jack: Elaine, that's the second piece of good news today.
Elaine: Really, what was the first?
Jack: [grabs Wiz hat] They're bringing me back. Yeah. I'm the Wiz again.
Elaine: What?
Jack: [dances] I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!
Elaine: Well what, what about your fact-checking job?
Jack: Oh, here's a fact. Uh, I'm... the Wiz! I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me!

Quote from Kramer

Postmaster General: Oh, my goodness. What have they done to you here?
Kramer: Huh? Who are you?
Postmaster General: Well, you can just call me Henry.
Kramer: Henry Atkins? The postmaster general?
Postmaster General: Last time I checked.
Kramer: Henry, can I get out of here now?
Postmaster General: Oh, oh. Sit a bit. Sit a bit. I mean, after all, I drove all the way up here from D.C. just to talk to you.
Kramer: Oh?
Postmaster General: I even had to cancel a round of golf with the secretary of state. Do you like golf, Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: Yeah.

Quote from Kramer

Postmaster General: Kramer, I've been, uh, reading some of your material here. I gotta be honest with you: you make a pretty strong case. I mean, just imagine. An army of men in wool pants running through the neighborhood handing out pottery catalogs, door to door. [laughs]
Kramer: [chuckles]
Postmaster General: Well, it's my job. And I'm pretty damn serious about it. In addition to being a postmaster, I'm a general. And we both know, it's the job of a general to, by God, get things done. So maybe you can understand why I get a little irritated when someone calls me away from my golf.
Kramer: I'm very, very sorry.
Postmaster General: Sure, you're sorry. I think we got a stack of mail out at the desk that belongs to you. Now, you want that mail, don't you Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: Sure do! [salutes]
Postmaster General: Now, that's better.
Kramer: [sees a postman with a bucket on his head] Geez. Newman?
Newman: [whimpers] Tell the world my story.

Quote from Jerry

George: Hey, what is that? That van's a-rockin'.
Jerry: Don't go a-knockin'.
Estelle Costanza: [after George opens the door] Oh, my God!
George: Oh, my God!
Frankie: Oh, you gotta sell this van.
Jerry: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, you like sending out catalogs!? How do you like getting them back!?


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