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‘The Jacket’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Jacket

203. The Jacket

Aired February 6, 1991

When Jerry and George have dinner with Elaine's father, Alton Benes (guest star Lawrence Tierney), Jerry is excited to wear his expensive new jacket.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Where have you been?!
Elaine: Kramer! That Kramer! I'm just about to leave, he calls me up. He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes, so he can pick up these birds.
Jerry: Oh, you didn't!
Elaine: Well, he said he'd drive me here right after. So, I am sitting in his car twenty minutes! He doesn't come down. I am freezing. Then a cop comes by, tells me to get out of the car. He's a city marshal. He's towing the car away. Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. He was going to tow it with me in the car! So, they tow the car. Now, I am standing outside, and I am freezing, but I cannot leave because I have to tell him what happened to the car. So, finally, he finally comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. He said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet. So, we're wandering around trying to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! Now we're running down the street after these doves. I almost got hit by a bus. [sits down, takes a deep breath]

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I can't stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself. I think eventually fashion won't even exist. It won't. I think eventually we'll all be wearing the same thing. 'cause anytime I see a movie or a TV show where there's people from the future of another planet, they're all wearing the same thing. Somehow they've decided, "This is going to be our outfit. One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe, and boots. That's it." We should come up for an outfit for earth. An earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits, no speeches. They walk out, twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, "That was nice. I could wear that."

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I think I've seen enough.
Salesman: Well, I might have something in the back.
Elaine: The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good in the back, they'd put it out in the front.
Jerry: Why don't they open up an entire store for the back? Call it, "Just Back." All back. No front. You walk in the front, you're immediately in the back.

Quote from George

George: [sings] Master of the house, doling out the charm, ready with a handshake and an open palm. Tells a saucy talke, loves to make a stir everyone appreciates a...
Jerry: What is that song?
George: Oh, it's from Les Miserables. I went to see it last wee. I can't get it out of my head. I just keep singing it over and over. It just comes out. I have no control over it. I'm singing it on elevators, buses. I sing it in front of clients. It's taking over my life.
Jerry: You know, Schumann went mad from that.
George: Artie Schumann? From Camp Hatchapee?
Jerry: No, you idiot.
George: What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you calling my an idiot for?

Quote from George

George: And I'll tell you something else, I'm not even going to ask you. I want to know. But I'm not going to ask. You'll tell me when you feel comfortable. So, what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? Over six? Can't be seven. Don't tell my you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to me?! You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket?! Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! All right, fine. I'm walking out of here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry is still silent] Oh, ho! [exits, returns] All right! I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything in the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a thousand..

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [scoffs] Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes. By his conception of time, his life will last over two thousand years.

Quote from George

Alton Benes: Sit down. Want a drink?
Jerry: Sure.
Alton Benes: What do you have?
Jerry: [to the waiter] I'll have a cranberry juice with two limes.
George: And, I'll have a club soda with no ice.
Alton Benes: I'll have another Scotch with plenty of ice.
George: You like ice?
Alton Benes: Huh?
George: I said, do you like ice?
Alton Benes: Like it?
George: Don't you think you get more without it?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: All fathers are intimidating. They're intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, "The hell with the world, I can make my own people. I'll eat whatever I want. I'll wear whatever I want, and I'll create whoever I want."

Quote from George

Elaine: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Where is Dad?
George: [as Alton] He's in the bathroom.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Man, Kramer! I could kill him.
Jerry: I can't believe it. You know better than to get involved with Kramer.
Elaine: He said he'd give me a lift.
Jerry: Ah, the lift. Like the lure of the siren's song. Never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist?
George: Where do you come up with this stuff?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand this. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here." "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"


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