Art Vandelay: Architect
Art Vandelay is a fictitious person who George features in his various lies. Art Vandelay is said to be an architect, a profession which George often claims an interest in, while Vandelay Industries is involved in latex.
George: Hey, I think I may have found someone for the scholarship.
George: I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers, and finally, this kid walks in, Steven Koren, a regular guy, likes sports, watches TV.
Jerry: Is he smart?
George: He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this. He's into architecture.
Jerry: Hey, just like you pretend to be.
George: Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry.
Mrs. Sokol: So where have you been looking for work?
George: Well, you know what I've discovered, Mrs. Sokol, it's not so much the looking as the listening. I listen for work. And as I'm looking and listening, I am also looking. You can't discount looking. It's sort of a combination. It's looking, and listening, listening and looking. But you must look.
Mrs. Sokol: Can you be specific about any of these companies?
George: Specific. Ah, let's see. I've walked in and out of so many buildings they all blend together. I, uh...
Mrs. Sokol: Well, just give me one name.
George: Absolutely, uh... Lets see... There's, uh, Vandelay Industries. I just saw them. I got very close there. Very close.
Mrs. Sokol: And what type of company is that?
George: Latex. Latex manufacturing, Mrs. Sokol.
Mrs. Sokol: And you interviewed there?
George: Yes, for a sales position. Latex salesman. The selling of latex, and latex-related products. They just wouldn't give me a chance. Damn it!
George: I don't know what you had to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position. Marine Biologist?! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
Jerry: You know, with all due respect, I would think it's right up your alley.
George: Well, it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doing. I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands living with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
Jerry: Well, you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing.
George: Why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect.
Mrs. Nyhart: Right this way, Mr. Vandelay.
George: Well, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely! My kids are gonna go crazy. I, uh, I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and, uh, some rags?
Mrs. Nyhart: It's down the hall.
Jerry: Oh, hello...
Jerry: Mr. Vandelay, of course.
Mrs. Nyhart: You two know each other? [Kramer bursts in through the door] Mr. Pennypacker!
Kramer: Uh, yes, uh, I--I wanted to, uh, stop by and make sure that my shark tank fits-- Uh, hello.
Mrs. Nyhart: Mr. Pennypacker, this is Mr. Vandelay, And you know Mr. Varnsen.
George: Pennypacker. Varnsen.
Jerry: Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory?
Kramer: The factory?
Jerry: The Saab factory?
Kramer: Jerry, that's in Sweden.
Elaine: Okay, all right. What's his name? Who is he?
George: Art Vandelay.
Elaine: Art Vandelay? This is my boyfriend?
George: That's your boyfriend.
Elaine: What does he do?
George: [snaps fingers] He's an importer.
Elaine: Just imports? No exports?
George: He's an importer-exporter. Okay?
Jerry: You really used to have a thick, full head of hair.
George: Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess I started losing it when I was about twenty-eight. Right around the time I made my first million. You know, it's true what they say. The first million is the hardest one.
Lois: What do you do?
George: I'm an architect.
Lois: Have you designed any buildings in New York?
George: Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?
Lois: You did that?
George: Yep. And it didn't take very long either.
Mr. Breckman: No, no, no. I mean authors.
George: Lot of good ones. I don't even want to mention anyone because I'm afraid I'm going to leave somebody out.
Mr. Breckman: Name a couple.
George: Who do I like? I, like, uh, Art, Vandelay.
Mr. Breckman: Art Vandelay?
George: He's an obscure writer. Betnik, on the village.
Mr. Breckman: What has he written?
George: Venetian Blinds.
Bailiff: All rise. The Fourth District County Court, Latham, Massachusetts is now in session. The Honorable Judge Arthur Vandelay presiding.
George: Vandelay? The judge's name is Vandelay?
Jackie Chiles: Vanda-who?
George: Jerry, did you hear that?
George: I think that's a good sign.
George: Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay industries?
Jerry: No. What happened to you?
George: All right, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office. And I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone rings, you've got to answer "Vandelay Industries".
Jerry: I'm Vandelay Industries?
Jerry: And what is that?
George: You're in latex.
Jerry: Latex? And what do I do with latex?
George: I don't know. You manufacture it.
Elaine: Right here in this little apartment?
Vanessa: What are you doing here?
Jerry: Oh, we're meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the building.
George: Yeah, Art Vandelay.
Vanessa: Really? Which company?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I don't really know.
Jerry: He's an importer.
George: And exporter.
Jerry: He's an importer/exporter.
Kramer: [answers Jerry's phone] Hello. What-delay Industries?
Elaine: No, no...
George: [o.s.] Vandelay. Say Vandelay!
Kramer: No, you're way, way, way off. Well, yeah, that's the right number but this is an apartment.
George: [runs from the bathroom] Vandelay! Say- [trips] Vandelay Industries!
Kramer: No problem. No problem. [hangs up] How did you know who that was?
[Jerry returns and finds George, with his pants around his leg, lying on the floor]
Jerry: And you want to be my latex salesman.
Mrs. Sokol: The address.
George: Uh... Uh... Vandalay Industries is, uh, 129 West 81st street. It's a very small industry, Vandalay. It's one of the reasons I wanted to, uh, work for them.
Mrs. Sokol: The phone number.
George: That's, uh, KL5-8383. Are you calling them soon? Because they keep very strange hours.
Mrs. Sokol: As soon as I'm done wit you!
George: Sure. Well, uh, you know I'll check in with you next week. Uh, I gotta run now because I got a full plate this afternoon. All right, really go to uh... [George runs down hall]
George: I'm, uh, I'm an architect.
Vanessa: Really. What do you design?
George: Uh... Railroads.
Vanessa: I thought engineers do that.
George: They can.
Jerry: Wait a second. That's her on the right.
George: I forgot who I am! Who am I?!
Jerry: You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay.
George: Let me be the architect, I can do it!
George: Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. He wants to be... an architect.
Wyck: Is that right?
Steven: Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher.
George: [laughs] Steven, nothing is higher than an architect.
Steven: I think I'd really like to be a city planner. [sits down] Why limit myself to just one building, when I can design a whole city?
Wyck: Well, that's a good point.
George: No, it's not.
Steven: Well, isn't an architect just an art school drop-out with a tilty desk, and a big ruler? [laughs]
George: It's called a T-square.
Jerry: What is his name?
George: Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.
Jerry: Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up.
George: No good? All right, how about Art... Core.....
Jerry: Art Core...
George: Yeah, right.
Jerry: Well, what does he do?
George: He's an importer.
Jerry: Just imports, no exports?
George: He's an importer/exporter, okay?
Elaine: Okay. So, I'm dating Art Vandelay. What is the problem we're discussing?
George: Yes, yes.
Elaine: Ah! How about this? How about, he's thinking of quitting the exporting, and just focusing in on the importing. And this is causing a problem, because, why not do both? [George looks skeptical] Oh, what? You don't like that suggestion either?
George: It's very complicated.
Elaine: You know, it seems to me that it's all you, and none of my ideas are getting in. You know, I mean, you just know it all and I am Miss Stupid. Right?
George: Hi. I'm... I'm here to see a Mr. Art Vandalay.
Amanda: I'm sorry, sir, there is no Mr. Vandalay here.
George: Well, let me... Let me just check and make sure I have the right name. I seem to... [drops picture] Oh, l...
Amanda: Oh, she's beautiful. Who is she?
George: Well, if you must know, she was my fiancee, Susan. May she rest in peace.
Amanda: I am so sorry. She was lovely. I'm Amanda.
George: I'm George.
Frank Costanza: Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your butt!
George: [on the phone] Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. Vandelay? Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen?
Frank Costanza: Costanza, you're white hot!
Female Voice: [on phone] If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and--
Vivian: You are very knowledgeable.
George: Well, I'm also an architect. Is that pastrami?
Vivian: Yes, it is. I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted-cured meats. Hungry?
[They kiss and fall to the floor. Vivian takes the tray of pastrami with her.]
Vivian: Oh, wait... [turns the TV on] Ooh...
Jerry: If I see her, what do I say that I'm doing here in the building?
George: You came to see me. I work in the building.
Jerry: What do you do?
George: I'm an architect.
Jerry: You're an architect?
George: I'm not?
Jerry: I don't see architecture coming from you.
George: I suppose you could be an architect.
Jerry: I never said that I was the architect. Just something else.