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‘The Sponge’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Sponge

709. The Sponge

Aired December 7, 1995

Elaine runs across town looking for her favored form of birth control after it's discontinued. Now that they're engaged, George starts sharing secrets with Susan. Meanwhile, Jerry finds a woman's phone number on a charity sign-up sheet, and Kramer joins an AIDS walk.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Hey, I didn't even use one.
Jerry: I thought you said it was imminent.
Elaine: Yeah, it was, but then I just couldn't decide if he was really spongeworthy.
Jerry: Spongeworthy?
Elaine: Yeah, Jerry, I have to conserve these Sponges.
Jerry: But you like this guy, isn't that what the Sponges are for?
Elaine: Yes, yes, before they went off the market. But I mean, now I've got to re-evaluate my whole screening process. I can't afford to waste any of them.
George: You know, you're nuts with these sponges. George is getting frustrated!

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Quote from Elaine

Elaine: So, you think you're sponge-worthy?
Billy: Yes, I think I'm sponge-worthy. I think I'm very sponge-worthy.
Elaine: Run down your case for me again.
Billy: Well, we've gone out several times. We obviously have a good rapport. I own a very profitable electronics distributing firm. I eat well. I exercise. Blood tests, immaculate. And if I can speak frankly, I'm actually quite good at it.
Elaine: You going to do something about your sideburns?
Billy: Yeah, I told you. I'm going to trim my sideburns.
Elaine: And the bathroom in your apartment?
Billy: Cleaned it this morning.
Elaine: The sink, the tub, everything got cleaned?
Billy: Everything, yeah. It's spotless.
Elaine: All right, let's go.

Quote from Elaine

Billy: How did you sleep?
Elaine: Great. You?
Billy: Fine, fine. Everything okay?
Elaine: Yep.
Billy: No regrets?
Elaine: Nope. [Billy moves in for a kiss] What are you doing?
Billy: What do you mean?
Elaine: Oh, I don't think so.
Billy: Why not? I thought you said everything was fine.
Elaine: Oh, I wish I could help you, but I can't afford two of them.

Quote from Elaine

Pharmacist: Can I help you?
Elaine: Yeah, do you have any Today Sponges? I know they're off the market, but...
Pharmacist: Actually, we have a case left.
Elaine: A case! A case of Sponges? I mean, uh...a case. Huh. Uh...how many come in a case?
Pharmacist: Sixty.
Elaine: Sixty?! Uh. well, I'll take three.
Pharmacist: Three.
Elaine: Make it ten.
Pharmacist: Ten?
Elaine: Twenty Sponges should be plenty.
Pharmacist: Did you say twenty?
Elaine: Yeah, twenty-five Sponges is just fine.
Pharmacist: Right. So, you're set with twenty-five.
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah. Just give me the whole case and I'll be on my way.

Quote from Elaine

George: Uh, did you get any of those Sponges?
Elaine: Yeah. Cleaned out the whole West Side. Why?
George: Well, Susan.
Elaine: Oh, Susan uses the Sponge.
George: Susan loves the Sponge.
Elaine: Yeah, I'm sorry, George. I can't help you out.
George: What?
Elaine: I can't do it. No way. There's no how.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Uh, Cosmo Kramer?
Organizer: Uh, okay, you're checked in. Here's your AIDS ribbon.
Kramer: Uh, no thanks.
Organizer: You don't want to wear an AIDS ribbon?
Kramer: No.
Organizer: But you have to wear an AIDS ribbon.
Kramer: I have to?
Organizer: Yes.
Kramer: See, that's why I don't want to.
Organizer: But everyone wears the ribbon. You must wear the ribbon!
Kramer: You know what you are? You're a ribbon bully. [walks off]
Organizer: Hey you! Come back here! Come back here and put this on!

Quote from George

George: Elaine and her sponges. She's got like, a war chest full of them.
Susan Ross: Well, I don't see why you just can't use condoms.
George: Oh, no, no. Condoms are for single men. The day that we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.
Susan Ross: Just once. For the make-up sex.
George: Make-up sex? You have to have that right after the fight, we're way past that.
Susan Ross: Come on, just once?
George: No, no, I hate the condom.
Susan Ross: Why?
George: I can never get the package open in time.
Susan Ross: Well, you just tear it open.
George: It's not that easy. It's like "Beat The Clock". There's a lot of pressure there.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: People can be so vain, don't you know? I have a friend, wears eye glasses, no prescription in the glasses because he thinks it makes him look more intelligent. Now, why? Why do we think that glasses makes us look more intelligent? Is it from the endless hours of reading and studying and researching that this person supposedly blew out their eyeballs, and that's why they need the glasses? It's just a corrective device. If you see someone with a hearing aid, you don't think, "Oh, they must have been listening real good. Yeah, to a lot of important stuff." No, they are deaf. They can't hear.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, Lena Small's on this list.
Elaine: Lena Small?
Jerry: Yeah, that girl I was gonna call for a date, she was unlisted and now here's her number.
Elaine: Oh, you're not gonna cop a girl's phone number off an AIDS charity list!
Jerry: [copying number] Elaine, you should admire me. I'm aspiring to date a giving person.
Elaine: You're a taking person.
Jerry: That's why I should date a giving person. If I date a taking person, everyone's taking, taking, taking. No one's giving. It's bedlam.

Quote from Elaine

Kramer: Are you still on the pill?
Elaine: Oh, Kramer...
Kramer: No, I'll tell you, I think birth control should be discussed in an open forum.
Elaine: The sponge, okay? The Today Sponge.
Kramer: But wasn't that taken off the market?
Elaine: Off the market? The sponge? No, no. No way. Everybody loves the sponge.
Kramer: I read it in Wall Street Week. Louis Rukeyser.

Quote from George

Susan Ross: You know, I really like those new jeans Jerry was wearing. He's really thin.
George: Not as thin as you think.
Susan Ross: Why? He's a 31. I saw the tag on the back.
George: The tag, huh?
Susan Ross: Mmm-hmm.
George: Let me tell you something about that tag. It's no 31, and uh, let's just leave it at that.
Susan Ross: What are you talking about?
George: He scratches off a 32 and he puts in 31.
Susan Ross: Oh, how could he be so vain?
George: Well, this is the Jerry Seinfeld that only I know.

Quote from George

George: Well, Jerry doesn't want anyone to know.
Susan Ross: Well, it's all right, I'm your fiance. Everyone assumes you'll tell me everything.
George: Where did you get that from?
Susan Ross: Well, we're a couple. It's understood.
George: I never heard of that.
Susan Ross: Well, you've never been a couple.
George: I've coupled! I've coupled!
Susan Ross: Keeping secrets. This is just like your secret bank code.
George: This is totally different. That was my secret. This is Jerry's secret! There's... There's attorney-client privileges here! If I play it by your rule, no one'll ever confide in me again, I'll be cut out of the loop!

Quote from George

George: Elaine, let me just explain something to you. See, this is not just a weekend routine. I'm on the verge of make-up sex here. You know about make-up sex?
Elaine: Oh yeah, I know all about make-up sex, and I'm really sorry. [pushes George into the hallway. He blocks the door with his foot]
George: Elaine, can I just explain something to you very privately here? Susan and I have been together many, many times now, and just between you and me, there's really no big surprises here, so make-up sex is all that I have left.
Elaine: I'm sure you'll have another fight, George. [stamps on George's foot and closes the door]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Why'd you tell her?!
George: Because, Jerry, it's a couple rule! We have to tell each other everything!
Jerry: Well you know what this means, don't you?
George: What?
Jerry: You're cut off. You're out of the loop!
George: You're cutting me off? No, no, no Jerry, don't cut me off!
Jerry: You leave me no choice! You're the media now as far as I'm concerned!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: No, she said it was fine. There's something very strange about this girl.
George: What?
Jerry: She's too good.
George: Too good?
Jerry: I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that!
George: I see what you mean.
Jerry: I mean, I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.
George: Where's the depravity?
Jerry: No depravity! I mean, I look at her, I can't imagine she even has sex. [Elaine enters] On the other hand...

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: It completely turned her off.
George: Well, I can see that. What do you have to do that for? Who cares about your pants size?
Jerry: I don't wanna be a 32.
George: I'd kill to be a 32.
Jerry: She said I wasn't spongeworthy. Wouldn't waste a Sponge on me!
George: I wish I had one. That condom killed me. Why do they have to make the wrappers on those things so hard to open?
Jerry: It's probably so the woman has one last chance to change her mind.
George: You never run out, do you?


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