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‘The Suicide’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

Seinfeld: The Suicide

315. The Suicide

Aired January 29, 1992

Jerry starts dating a woman whose former boyfriend is in a coma. Meanwhile, George cancels a vacation to the Cayman Islands on the advice of a psychic, and Elaine fasts for an ulcer test.

Quote from Jerry

George: Hey, I'm all set. I got the ticket. I'm going to the Cayman Islands this Friday.
Jerry: I don't get you. Who goes on vacation without a job? What do you need a break from getting up at eleven?
George: It's an incredible deal. I don't know why you don't come with me.
Jerry: I don't go for these non-refundable deals. I can't commit to a woman. I'm not going to commit to an airline.

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Quote from George

George: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire. Is that it? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it Lupus?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I'm going to get a physical examination. To me, that urine sample, giving them that is always a pleasure, isn't it? Then there's always the amount question. I don't know what you need. I gave you whatever I have there. That's... I've got more. Whatever you need. I could get more. Just let me know what you need. It's no problem. But, I mean, any kind of physical test, I always click into this thing where I want to do really well, you know. If there's going to be a physical test, I want to do well. Remember, when you were in school, they'd do those hearing tests. And you'd really be listening, you know... Trying to be really... Trying to do well. I want to do well, you know. I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come to me after the test and go: "We think you may have something close to super hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington. We'd like you to meet the President."

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: That's not too bad. It's not like a Sunny von Bulow coma. The doctor said he should snap out of it anytime.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: So we're in the room and she's trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him.
Kramer: Uh-huh. You see, that's the great thing about Mediterranean women. All right, so what did you do?
Jerry: Nothing.
Kramer: Ah, what kind of a man are you? The guy is unconscious in a coma and you don't have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?
Jerry: I didn't know what the coma etiquette was.
Kramer: There is no coma etiquette. You see that's the beauty of the coma, man. It doesn't matter what you do around it.
Jerry: So you're saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, it's all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim.
Kramer: I'd give him 24 hours to get out of it. If they can't get out of it in 24 hours, it's a land rush.
Jerry: So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, he's thrilled, he got out of the coma. He goes home, there's nothing left?
Kramer: Nothing left! That's why I'm trying to get that vacuum cleaner. Because somebody's going to grab it.

Quote from George

Rula: Get the hell out.
George: A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
Rula: Do you want me to call the super? He was an Israeli commando.
George: If you don't say anything I will assume it's a plane crash.
Rula: Get out.
George: Not a plane crash. [leaving] Is it a plane crash?

Quote from George

George: I've had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me.
Jerry: You're a little paranormal. Name one paranormal thing that happened to you.
George: I knew I was going to be bald.
Jerry: Your father's bold.
George: Baldness is inherited from the mother's side, Jerry.
Jerry: But your mother's bald too.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Let me ask you a question. If you named a kid Rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?
Elaine: Na.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I never heard of this. You've got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. How you gonna do that?
Elaine: I don't know. How could I possibly have ulcers? Who could have given me ulcers?
Jerry: I think I'll take out the garbage.
Elaine: Hey, have you ever fasted?
Jerry: Well, once I didn't have dinner until, like 9:00 o'clock. I tell you, that was pretty rough.

Quote from George

Jerry: Hey, do me a favor will you? Throw out my garbage for me.
George: Yeah, right.
Jerry: Come on, it's just down the hall.
George: Give me two bucks. I'll do it for two bucks.
Jerry: I'll give you 50 cents.
George: There's no way I touch that bag for less than two dollars.
Jerry: Come on. Fifty cents. You can get yourself a piece of Drake's Coffee Cake.
George: You're not getting no Drake's Coffee Cake for fifty cents.

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