Jerry: You got the job?
George: Jerry, it's fantastic. I love the people over there. They treat me so great. You know, they think I'm handicapped. They gave me this incredible office, a great view.
Jerry: Hold on. They think you're handicapped?
George: Yeah, yeah. Well, because of the cane. You should see the bathroom they gave me!
Jerry: How can you do this?
George: Jerry, let's face it, I've always been handicapped. I'm just now getting the recognition for it. Name one thing I have that puts me in a position of advantage, huh? There was a guy that worked at the Yankees, no arms! He got more work done than I did, made more money. He had a wife, a family, drove a better car than I did.
Jerry: He drove a car with no arms?
George: All, right I made up the part about the car, but the rest is true. He hated me anyway!
Jerry: Do you know how hard it's getting just to tell people I know you?
George: I love that bathroom. It's got that high, high toilet. I feel like a gargoyle perched on the ledge of a building.

Jerry: Kramer!
Kramer: Oh, man. I think I cooked myself.
Jerry: Look at your skin.
Kramer: Oh, stick a fork in me, Jerry. I'm done.

Kramer: Did you see Bania's set last night? 'cause I read on the Internet he killed.
Jerry: He killed. He only does well when he has me for a lead-in. He's a time slot hit.
Kramer: Well, you gotta give him some credit. [rubs a stick of Jerry's butter across his face] You're just being totally ridiculous. I'll see you later buddy.
Jerry: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: Do I have to ask?
Kramer: I ran out of butter so I had to borrow yours. Anything else, Mr. Nosy?

Kramer: I'm fried.
Jerry: Technically, you're sauted. So, what are you doing for that?
Kramer: Well, I just gotta keep my skin moist so I don't dry out.
Jerry: Is that what the doctor said?
Kramer: No, I read an article in Bon Appetit magazine. [exits]
George: [sniffs] Hmm. Game hen?
Jerry: Kind of.

George: What is Holland?
Jerry: What do you mean, "What is it?" It's a country right next to Belgium.
George: No, that's the Netherlands.
Jerry: Holland is the Netherlands.
George: Then who are the Dutch?

Jerry: You know, I cannot stand this thing anymore.
George: I know, I hate it too. I feel like an out of work porn star.
Jerry: I told you, we should have taken some kind of vacation.
George: Well why didn't we?
Jerry: Because you said this would be better. Remember? A vacation from ourselves. That's what you said.
George: What if we grew muttonchops?
Jerry: No.
George: Buzz cuts? Parachute pants!
Jerry: Stop it, George. Stop it. I'm sorry, you've gotta get a job.
George: Dammit.

George: Hey, hey, hey. Check me out, huh?
Jerry: No more crutches. That must be a relief.
George: Yeah, with crutches everyone has questions.
Jerry: Not with a cane?
George: Nah, with crutches, it's a funny story. With a cane, it's a sad story. You through with those? [drags a bowl of bar pretzels over with his cane]
Jerry: That is a sad story.

Jerry: Why are you buttering your face?
Kramer: I'm shaving with it.
Jerry: Oh, Moses, smell the roses.
Kramer: Jerry, it's vastly superior to any commercial shaving cream. Now feel my face.
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Feel it.
Jerry: I don't want to.
Kramer: Feel it. Feel it.
Jerry: [places two slices of bread on Kramer's face] That is close.
[Kramer takes the bread and eats it as he walks out of Jerry's apartment.]

George: I got the job?
Thomassoulo: George, everybody here at Play Now is just very impressed with you, but I'm sure you've heard that before.
George: Well... no.
Thomassoulo: I don't want you to think that anyone's gonna treat you any differently just because of your, uh, handicap.
George: Handicap? Oh, I'm not handicapped.
Thomassoulo: I'm sorry. Differently, uh, advantaged.
George: I didn't mean that.
Thomassoulo: Of course, you will have your own private, fully equipped bathroom.
George: When do I start?
Thomassoulo: Whenever you feel that you're able. [rises to show George out] Um, you need a hand here?
George: Yeah, what the hell.

George: Well, you're not gonna believe what happened.
Jerry: You mugged Stephen Hawking?
George: Play Now thinks I got problems in both legs. My own personal Rascal, Jerry. On the house.
Jerry: Well, it must be comforting to know you'll be going straight to hell at no more than three miles an hour.