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‘The Bris’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Bris

505. The Bris

Aired October 14, 1993

Jerry and Elaine are asked to the godparents to their less-than-close friend's kid. Meanwhile, Kramer is convinced he saw a pig-man in the hospital, and George's car is totaled by a jumper.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, I just saw a pig-man. A pig-man. He was sleeping, and then he woke up and he looked at me... and he made this horrible sound, this [squeals].
George: Kramer, what are you talking about?
Kramer: I'm talking about a pig-man. I walked in the wrong room, and there he was.
George: A pig-man?
Kramer: A pig-man. Half pig, half man.

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Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed. Look at that. Look, look.
Jerry: What now? "Hospital receives grant to conduct DNA research. Government funds genetic research at area hospital." Yeah, so?
Kramer: Pig-man, baby, pig-man.
Elaine: If I have to hear about this pig-man one more time...
Kramer: Hey, I'm telling you, the pig-man is alive. The government has been experimenting with pig-men since the '50s.
Jerry: Oh, will you stop it? Just because the hospital's conducting DNA research doesn't mean they're creating mutant pig-men.
Kramer: Jerry, will you wake up to reality? It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, we're not talking about a manicure. Imagine, this is gonna be his first memory... of his parents just standing there while some stranger, [chopping noise], cuts off a piece of his manhood and then serves a catered lunch. [Myra starts crying]
Stan: Myra?
Kramer: She'll be okay.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You go to a hospital, the basic treatment everybody gets is to lie in a bed. Whatever's wrong with a human being, lie down. Doctor never says, "Well, your condition isn't as bad as we thought. We want you to kind of lean against a doorjamb for seven to 10 days. See how that feels." It's always a bed. Unless you go to the emergency room, then it's a chair. You've been shot, stabbed, run over: "Have a seat." There's always a vry interesting cultural, ethnic mix to the hospital staff, isn't there? It's like a local news team in there. The doctor's the anchorman. He's got white hair, he's in charge. The nurse is like the feature reporter, you know. You listen to her, but it's always, "And now, back to your doctor." You know, the orderlies come in with food and bedpans. That's like your sports and weather.

Quote from Kramer

Stan: The most important thing is you help with the bris.
Jerry: The bris?
Kramer: A bris? You mean, circumcision?
Stan: Yeah.
Kramer: I would advise against that.
Elaine: Well, Kramer, it's a tradition.
Kramer: Yeah, well, so was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we don't do that anymore.
Jerry: Well, maybe we should.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: All right, I wanna see the pig-man. Show me the pig-man.
Kramer: Oh, don't worry, I'll show you. And you'll never be the same.
Jerry: Maybe he's just a guy with a nose like this. You know, a lot of people have a nose like this. They're not necessarily pig-men.
Kramer: Believe me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital, the anguished oink of pig-man cries out for help.
Jerry: Yeah, well, if I hear an anguished oink, I'm out of here. I don't see any pig-men. I see human, human, human. Wait a second.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: Oh, it's George.

Quote from George

George: What about that spot I got, huh?
Jerry: Yeah. I saw the spot.
George: You open the door to the car, boom! You walk right into the hospital. You can't beat that spot. I am on a roll. Yeah. I'm just willing these great parking spots.
Jerry: George.
George: Maybe the baby would like to see the spot. A positive, uplifting message to start his life out with, huh? You can still get a great spot in this city if you apply yourself.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Oh, God! It's a pig-man. A pig-man!

Quote from Jerry

Stan: Myra and I would like you and Elaine to be the godparents of Steven.
Jerry: Me? A godfather?
Stan: Yes.
Jerry: [as Don Corleone] Never go against the family, Elaine.
Elaine: What?

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Anyway, tell us what's involved in being a godparent.
Jerry: [as Don Corleone] Elaine, never ask me about my business. [normally] Godfather?

Quote from George

George: I'll tell you something. I wish there were pig-men. You get a few pig-men walking around, suddenly I'm looking a lot better. If someone wanted to fix me up, they could say, "Hey, at least he's no pig-man."
Jerry: Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for these pig-men. Whatever the deformity, there's always some group of perverts that's really attracted to it. "Ooh, that little tail really turns me on."

Quote from Kramer

George: The administrator's on the third floor. I'll meet you at the car.
Kramer: Wait, George. You got room in the car for the pig-man, huh?
George: The pig-man can take the bus.
Kramer: George, if the pig-man had a car, he would give you a ride.
George: How do you know? What if the pig-man had a two-seater?
Kramer: Be realistic, George.
George: I'll tell you what, if pig-man shows up, we'll squeeze him in.

Quote from George

Mrs. Sweedler: It's been a very trying couple of days around the hospital. Doctors, patients, everyone, just grief-stricken over this unfortunate occurrence.
George: Well, I join them in their grief.
Mrs. Sweedler: Horrible thing. Flew right past the children's wing. All the sick children in the playroom,
looking out the window just traumatized by the incident. Apparently they thought he was flying. You know how children are. "Oh, look, a man is flying. A man is flying!" And then splat.
George: That's where I come in. On "splat." You see, Mrs. Sweedler... Or is it Hospital Administrator Sweedler?
Mrs. Sweedler: Mrs. Sweedler is fine.
George: Mrs. Sweedler. Thank you very much. You see, this tragedy has affected me in a very... A very personal way.
Mrs. Sweedler: How is that?
George: Yes, well, you see... the deceased... landed on my car. The splat, as it were, actually occurred on the roof of my car. Now, of course, I can't help but feel that... had it been a convertible, this whole tragedy might have been averted. But I've never really been the kind of guy to buy a convertible... what with the baldness and everything.
Mrs. Sweedler: Well, I have known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat.
George: Yes, but then everything's all pulled down, and it's...

Quote from George

George: Anyway. The damage, unfortunately... has marred an otherwise fine automobile... rendering it virtually undrivable.
Mrs. Sweedler: Yes, well, that is a shame.
George: Yes. A shame. That is exactly how I would put it. Now, Mrs. Sweedler, with all due discretion and sensitivity... and taking in the whole scope of the situation... I just can't help but think... that the hospital is somehow responsible for compensating the other still-living victim of this horrendous, horrendous tragedy.
Mrs. Sweedler: Mr. Costanza.
George: Yes.
Mrs. Sweedler: A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise...
George: Yes.
Mrs. Sweedler: And you greedily, callously... want to profit from it?
George: Well, profit...? I think you'll see from the estimate that I'm not really profiting that much. It might be a little high, but...
Mrs. Sweedler: Get out. Get out now. Get out of my office!
George: Should I just leave..?
Mrs. Sweedler: Get out!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Wait, excuse me. What happened to the guy that was in there before?
Doctor: I don't know what you're talking...
Kramer: No, you know. He had this: [pushes the tip of nose back] He was...
Doctor: No.
Kramer: This doesn't look familiar to you?
Doctor: Uh, sir...
Kramer: Look, I know what's going on. The oink, oink.
Doctor: Yes, if you'll excuse me, I have some patients...
Kramer: Now, listen to me, you little quack. There was a half man, half pig in that room over there. Now, where is he? Where is he?!
Doctor: Half what?
Kramer: You know what I mean! Pork. Sausage. "That's all, folks."
Doctor: I think he's been released.
Kramer: Good.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, what's really amazing is that for every job that there is in the world, there's someone willing to do it. Someone goes, "Yes, I will stand in the tunnel breathing exhaust... watching the cars go by, making sure everything's okay." Someone goes, "Yes, I will work behind the elephant with the big shovel. I will do it." Doctors go, "Yes, I will confine myself to one particularly objectionable part of the human body, all day, every day. I will do it." I think a lot of people that are unemployed are not really unable to find work, they're just easily disgusted. "Yes, I'm starving, and my family has no clothing or shelter, but I'm not cleaning that up."


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