J. Peterman Quotes Page 1 of 4

Quote from The Shower Head

Elaine: Oh, hi, Mr. Peterman. Do you realize how short the Kalahari Bushmen are? I'm going to look like a giant to those guys. [laughs]
J. Peterman: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa.
Elaine: What? Why not?
J. Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for opium.
Elaine: Opium?
J. Peterman: That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.
Elaine: That's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz must have made a mistake.
J. Peterman: Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.


Quote from The Understudy

Elaine: [sobbing] Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I don't even know where I'm going.
J. Peterman: Well, that's the best way to get someplace you've never been.
Elaine: Yes, I suppose that's true.
J. Peterman: Have you been crying?
Elaine: Yes. [sobbing] You see, this woman, this manicurist…
J. Peterman: Oh, no. That doesn’t matter now. That's a very nice jacket.
Elaine: Uh, thanks.
J. Peterman: Very soft, huge button flaps, cargo pockets, draw string waist, deep bi-swing vents in the back perfect for jumping into a gondola.
Elaine: How do you know all that?
J. Peterman: That's my coat.
Elaine: You mean...?
J. Peterman: Yes, I'm J. Peterman.
Elaine: Oh!

Quote from The Secret Code

J. Peterman: You know, George, growing up as a boy in Costa Rica, I heard a rumor that mama had taken a lover. Perhaps Bosco was this man's name.

Quote from The Shower Head

Elaine: Mr Peterman! What are you doing?
J. Peterman: Elaine, you're out of control. You need help.
Elaine: Huh?
J. Peterman: I know what you're going through. I, too, once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtze in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest.
Elaine: Oh, for God's sake.
J. Peterman: I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone. But a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," he said. That was all it took.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.
J. Peterman: Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have till 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.

Quote from The Merv Griffin Show

J. Peterman: That noise. That's the noise.
Elaine: What?
J. Peterman: That infernal rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days, and I could not find the source. In my office, in the hallway. Even in the men's room. Shame on you, Elaine!
Elaine: No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!
J. Peterman: That reminds me of the Haitian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side have you?
Elaine: No, Mr. Peterman.
J. Peterman: Because, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can. And if you are undead, I'll find out about that too.

Quote from The Understudy

J. Peterman: Then, in the distance, I heard the bulls, and I began running as fast as I could. Fortunately, I was wearing my Italian capto oxfords. Sophisticated yet different, without making a huge fuss about. Rich dark brown calfskin leather. Matching linen vamp. Men's whole and half sizes 7 through 13, price $135.
Elaine: Oh, that's not too expensive.
J. Peterman: I like that shirt. Where did you get it?
Elaine: Oh, this innocent looking shirt has something which isn't innocent at all. Touchability. Heavy, silky Italian cotton, with a fine almost terrycloth-like feeling. Five-button placket, relaxed fit, innocence and mayhem at once.
J. Peterman: That's not bad!

Quote from The Secret Code

J. Peterman: And there, tucked into the river's bend was the object of my search. The Guangia River Market. Fabrics and spices traded under a starlit sky. It was there that I discovered the Pamplona Beret. Sizes seven-and-a-half through eight-and-three-quarters. Price, $35.
George: How about sports? Do you follow sports?

Quote from The Shower Head

Kramer: Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower.
Elaine: What's wrong with your shower?
Kramer: There's no water pressure.
Elaine: Why don't you just go see Jerry?
[Mr. Peterman walks down the corridor and pauses as he overhears Elaine and Kramer's conversation]
Kramer: Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.
J. Peterman: Not on my watch! [grabs Kramer] I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else! [throws Kramer out] Go on, beat it!

Quote from The Shower Head

J. Peterman: [on the phone] So, as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you.
Elaine: Oh, yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa?
J. Peterman: I'm afraid I can't take you.
Elaine: What? Why not?
J. Peterman: Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. You have the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman.
Elaine: But I wanted to see the Bushmen.
J. Peterman: Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.

Quote from The Bottle Deposit

J. Peterman: You know what a huge fan I am of John F. Kennedy.
Elaine: I do.
J. Peterman: It was the Peace Corps that gave me my start in this business. Clothing the naked natives of Bangtubesh.
Elaine: The pygmy pullover.
J. Peterman: Sotheby's is having an auction of JFK's memorabilia. One item in particular has caught my eye. The presidential golf clubs. To me, they capture that indefinable romance that was Camelot

Quote from The Foundation

Elaine: [answers phone] Hello, Mr. Peterman, how are you feeling?
J. Peterman: Elaine, I'll be blunt. I'm burnt out. I'm fried. My mind is as barren as the surface of the moon. I can run that catalog no longer.
Elaine: What? Well, who's gonna do it?
J. Peterman: What about you?
Elaine: Me? Why me?
J. Peterman: Why, indeed.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you can't leave.
J. Peterman: I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma.
Elaine: Burma?
J. Peterman: You most likely know it as Myanmar. But it will always be Burma to me. Bonne chance, Elaine. [to a passerby] You there on the motorbike! Sell me one of your melons!

Quote from The Chicken Roaster

J. Peterman: Elaine.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman.
[After the Burmese boy chops a fruit, Mr. Peterman scolds him in a foreign tongue. The boy runs out of the cave.]
Elaine: You speak Burmese?
J. Peterman: No, Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding the place?
Elaine: No, you're the only white-poet-warlord in the neighborhood.
J. Peterman: Are you an assassin?
Elaine: I work for your mail order catalog.
J. Peterman: You're an errand girl sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill.
Elaine: Well, actually, I do have a bill here. If you could just sign this expense form, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here.
J. Peterman: I'd be happy to, Elaine. But I will have to see this hat.
Elaine: Right.

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