George: I can't believe how easy it is. I'm virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I'm in the club.
Jerry: That's all there is to it?
George: That's all there is to it. By Christmas day, I will be Brother Costanza.
Jerry: And what is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

Older Priest: I must say, George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of your conversion test. I don't recall having seen such an impressive performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.
George: Oh, I'm... I'm full of it, Father.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You know, doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But it’s really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn't it? "I really am a doctor, you know. You think I'm not, just check it out." I mean, I don't know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and then I'll give you my opinion." I mean, after that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems like they know what they’re talking about. In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no-pants.

George: This was the only woman I never lied to. Well, that's not entirely true.
[Jerry and Elaine start picking at the lobster leftovers]
Elaine: Mmm, delicious.
Jerry: Mmm, succulent.
George: She knew I didn't have a job. She knew I lived at home. Didn't seem to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.
Elaine: Why don't you just ask her parents?
George: I can't. I met them. They're devout. You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.
Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox?
George: Why not? What do I care?
Jerry: You know, it's not like changing toothpaste.

Older Priest: Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith?
George: [clears throat] In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something so um…
Older Priest: Enigmatic?
George: No.
Older Priest: Vast?
George: No, not vast.
Older Priest: Well, whatever it is, basically you like the religion.
George: Yes.
Younger Priest: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
George: ... I think the hats. The hats convey that solemn religious look you want in a faith. Very pious.

Older Priest: Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?
George: Well, perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic plot. Yeah.
Older Priest: Plot?
George: Yes. You know, the, uh, flood, and the, uh, lepers, and the commandments and all that.
Younger Priest: Well, it's obvious that you are sincere in your desire.
George: Oh, yes, I am, Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh... am I in?
Older Priest: The first step would be to familiarize yourself with these texts.
George: Uh-uh. You see, Father, I'm... I'm incredibly anxious to become a member. Um, don't you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick change?

Kramer: Um, you wanted to see me, Father?
Older Priest: Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see me yesterday.
Kramer: I know what this is about, Father. Now, I didn't do anything. I just spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It's just that, that I have this power.
Older Priest: Yes. Kavorka.
Kramer: Kavorka?
Older Priest: It is a Latvian word which means "the lure of the animal".
Kramer: I don't understand.
Older Priest: Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be possessed by you.
Kramer: Help me, Father. Help me.
Older Priest: Yes, yes, I will help you. Now, listen very carefully. I want you to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces…

Jerry: Why don't you ask that doctor what it is?
Elaine: Oh, now he's a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.
Jerry: But that's what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They're knee- deep in fungus. This guy know fungus.
Elaine: I am not going to ask him about funguses.
Kramer: Fungi.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Fungi.

Jerry: When are you seeing him again?
Elaine: I don't know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists aren't real doctors.
Jerry: How could you say that?
Elaine: It's your fault. You just got me thinking.
Jerry: I was merely speaking extemporaneously.
Elaine: I've got nothing against the foot. I'm pro-foot.

Estelle Costanza: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?
George: For a woman.
Frank Costanza: A woman? What are you out of your mind?
Estelle Costanza: Why can't you do anything like a normal person?
Frank Costanza: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
George: No, it's a regular religion.
Frank Costanza: I'm calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to get out of this.
George: I don't want to get out of it.
Estelle Costanza: But George, you don't know what you're saying. You're under their control.
Frank Costanza: What, they brainwashed you?
George: No, no.
Frank Costanza: You're not performing any rituals in this house.
Estelle Costanza: Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.
Frank Costanza: And stay away from those squirrels!