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‘The Conversion’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Conversion

511. The Conversion

Aired December 16, 1993

George decides to change his religion after his girlfriend breaks up with him because he's not Latvian Orthodox. Jerry is curious why his girlfriend has a fungus cream.

Quote from George

George: I can't believe how easy it is. I'm virtually Orthodox. All I have to do is read a few books, memorize a few prayers, and I'm in the club.
Jerry: That's all there is to it?
George: That's all there is to it. By Christmas day, I will be Brother Costanza.
Jerry: And what is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?
George: Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

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Quote from George

Older Priest: I must say, George, I was somewhat surprised at the results of your conversion test. I don't recall having seen such an impressive performance. You truly must be filled with the spirit of the Lord.
George: Oh, I'm... I'm full of it, Father.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You know, doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But it’s really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn't it? "I really am a doctor, you know. You think I'm not, just check it out." I mean, I don't know why they need these little bits of psychological leverage over us all the time. "Go in that little room, take your pants off, wait 15 minutes, and then I'll give you my opinion." I mean, after that, anyone that comes in with pants on seems like they know what they’re talking about. In any difference of opinion, pants always beats no-pants.

Quote from George

George: This was the only woman I never lied to. Well, that's not entirely true.
[Jerry and Elaine start picking at the lobster leftovers]
Elaine: Mmm, delicious.
Jerry: Mmm, succulent.
George: She knew I didn't have a job. She knew I lived at home. Didn't seem to bother her. I think I could have married this woman.
Elaine: Why don't you just ask her parents?
George: I can't. I met them. They're devout. You know, in the cab on the way over here, I actually thought about converting.
Jerry: To Latvian Orthodox?
George: Why not? What do I care?
Jerry: You know, it's not like changing toothpaste.

Quote from George

Older Priest: Why do you want to accept the Latvian Orthodox faith?
George: [clears throat] In this age of uncertainty and confusion, a man begins to ask himself certain questions. How can one even begin to put into words something so um…
Older Priest: Enigmatic?
George: No.
Older Priest: Vast?
George: No, not vast.
Older Priest: Well, whatever it is, basically you like the religion.
George: Yes.
Younger Priest: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
George: ... I think the hats. The hat convey that solemn religious look you want in a faith. Very pious.

Quote from George

Older Priest: Are you familiar with Orthodox theology?
George: Well, perhaps, not to the extent that you are. But I know the basic plot. Yeah.
Older Priest: Plot?
George: Yes. You know, the, uh, flood, and the, uh, lepers, and the commandments and all that.
Younger Priest: Well, it's obvious that you are sincere in your desire.
George: Oh, yes, I am, Father. Incredibly sincere. So, uh... am I in?
Older Priest: The first step would be to familiarize yourself with these texts.
George: Uh-uh. You see, Father, I'm... I'm incredibly anxious to become a member. Um, don't you offer any kind of an express conversion? A quick change?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Um, you wanted to see me, Father?
Older Priest: Yes. Please, sit down. Sister Roberta came to see me yesterday.
Kramer: I know what this is about, Father. Now, I didn't do anything. I just spoke to her innocently for just a few minutes. It's just that, that I have this power.
Older Priest: Yes. Kavorka.
Kramer: Kavorka?
Older Priest: It is a Latvian word which means "the lure of the animal".
Kramer: I don't understand.
Older Priest: Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be possessed by you.
Kramer: Help me, Father. Help me.
Older Priest: Yes, yes, I will help you. Now, listen very carefully. I want you to buy ten cloves of garlic, three quarts of vinegar, six ounces…

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Why don't you ask that doctor what it is?
Elaine: Oh, now he's a doctor? Before he was a podiatrist.
Jerry: But that's what podiatrists do. They deal in fungus. They're knee- deep in fungus. This guy know fungus.
Elaine: I am not going to ask him about funguses.
Kramer: Fungi.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Fungi.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: When are you seeing him again?
Elaine: I don't know. We got into this whole thing about how podiatrists aren't real doctors.
Jerry: How could you say that?
Elaine: It's your fault. You just got me thinking.
Jerry: I was merely speaking extemporaneously.
Elaine: I've got nothing against the foot. I'm pro-foot.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?
George: For a woman.
Frank Costanza: A woman? What are you out of your mind?
Estelle Costanza: Why can't you do anything like a normal person?
Frank Costanza: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
George: No, it's a regular religion.
Frank Costanza: I'm calling my lawyer. It might not be too late to get out of this.
George: I don't want to get out of it.
Estelle Costanza: But George, you don't know what you're saying. You're under their control.
Frank Costanza: What, they brainwashed you?
George: No, no.
Frank Costanza: You're not performing any rituals in this house.
Estelle Costanza: Go back to the psychiatrist. I beg you.
Frank Costanza: And stay away from those squirrels!

Quote from George

George: Can I say one word to you? Lobster. The lobster here is unbelievable. [looks at menu] Ooh, a little expensive.
Tawni: Twenty five dollars.
George: Yes, well, you know, I'm not thinking about the price. You know, you're the only woman I've never thought about the price. Get the lobster. I beg you to get the lobster. Go for the lobster.
Tawni: George. George, uh, I think we have to talk. I think we have a problem.
George: We do?
Tawni: We can't keep seeing each other.
George: Why?
Tawni: [crying] Because it's over. [sobs] It's my parents, George. The differences in our religion. Oh George, can you ever forgive me? [sobs]
Waiter: Uh, have you decided yet?
Tawni: [crying] Yes. I'll have the lobster.
George: Um, you know, I'm starting to think that maybe lobster isn't the way to go.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What? He asked you out?
Elaine: Well, we started to talk, and I told him that I jog, and then he put his hand on my heart.
Jerry: On your heart?
Elaine: Jerry, the man is a doctor.
Jerry: Doctor? He's a podiatrist.
Elaine: So? It's the same thing.
Jerry: Anyone can get into podiatry school. George got into podiatry school.
Elaine: Really?

Quote from George

Elaine: I think it would be romantic.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah, it's like Edward VIII abdicating the throne to marry Mrs. Simpson. Ooh.
George: King Edward. [snaps fingers] King Edward, Jerry.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, King Edward didn't live in Queens with Frank and Estelle Costanza.
George: You know what? I could probably do this. What's the difference?
Elaine: George, I was just kidding around.
George: No. I wouldn't even have to tell her. I could surprise her.
Elaine: George I wasn't serious.
George: How hard could it be? You make a little contribution. You have a ceremony. I am going to think about this. I am really going to think about this. [exits]
Elaine: I guess this one is my fault.
Jerry: Oh, yeah.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Fungicide. I mean what could she have?
Elaine: I don't know.
Kramer: Fungus.
Elaine: So what did you say?
Jerry: I said I was coming down with the flu or something and I had to go home.
Elaine: What were you doing opening her medicine cabinet?
Jerry: I didn't open it. It was open. I just nudged it a little.
Elaine: You were snooping.
Jerry: I was not snooping. I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering. I wouldn't do that.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Oh, a slinky. Where did you get it?
Kramer: Sister Roberta gave it to me.
Jerry: Why did she give you that?
Kramer: I think she liked me.
Jerry: What do you mean she liked you?
Kramer: Liked me.
George: Kramer, they like everybody. They're friendly people.
Kramer: No, no, no. I think I picked up on a vibe.
Jerry: You picked up on a vibe from a nun.
Kramer: Yeah. Jerry, I'm telling you I have this power. And I have no control over it.

Quote from George

George: She likes you.
Jerry: Yeah, but there's a problem. I found a tube of a fungicide in her medicine cabinet.
George: So?
Jerry: So, I don't know what she's using it for.
George: Well, how do you even know it's hers? Maybe it belonged to Carol. Did you see a name on the tube?
Jerry: I didn't even think to look.
George: Well, take a look. It might not even belong to her.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: People always leave old things in their medicine cabinet.
Jerry: Yeah, I've got this old bottle of cough medicine.
George: I still have Brylcreem.

Quote from George

Jerry: What are you doing?
George: What does it look like I'm doing?
Jerry: [looks at the back of George's hand] "Matthew, Luke, Paul", what you're cheating on your conversion test?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I told you she liked me.
Jerry: Who?
Kramer: Sister Roberta.
Jerry: How do you know?
Kramer: She told me. She said she's never had a man stir up all of these feelings inside of her. She's questioning her faith. She's thinking of leaving the church. Oh, uh, this power. Look what I'm doing. I'm dangerous, Jerry. I'm very, very dangerous.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: But once you put medicine in your cabinet, you're never using it again. Any medicine that you're using is on the sink. It's not really like a medicine cabinet. It's really like an ointment museum, isn't it? It's like, "Here's a salve from 1983. Some cream from the '70s. But you want to keep it private, because a medicine cabinet is a place that reveals our weaknesses and it can really throw off the balance between two people that might be going out. Somebody peeks in there and, "Oh, I see Mr. Perfect needs tough actin' Tinactin." Well, I'll be calling the relationship shots from now."

Quote from George

Tawni: You did that for me?
George: Well, I didn't do it for my mother. [chuckles]
Tawni: I'm really flattered. But I just don't feel ready to make a commitment yet. Maybe when I get back from Latvia.
George: Latvia?
Tawni: Yes. I'm going to stay with some relatives there for a year. Isn't it great?
George: Enjoy, enjoy.
Tawni: Oh, George. You are so sweet. Don't ever change. Mwah.
George: [to the waitress, with Tawni's sandwich] I'd like a doggie bag for this please.


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