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‘The Apology’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Apology

909. The Apology

Aired December 11, 1997

George is upset when he doesn't get an apology from recovering alcoholic, Jason Hanky (guest star James Spader). Jerry realizes there's "bad naked" when his girlfriend constantly walks around the apartment in the nude. Elaine's colleague seems to have a problem with her germs. Meanwhile, Kramer decides to improve his shower routine.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: [answers phone] Hello?
Kramer: Jerry, guess where I'm calling from.
Jerry: World War I plane?
Kramer: No, I'm in my shower. I'm trying to get out of the shower sooner. And then I asked myself why. I mean, this is where I wanna be. I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, and I ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew.
Jerry: When are you getting out?
Kramer: I'm not. I'll see you later, buddy.

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Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Oh, great, Elaine. What is wrong with my body?
Elaine: Chicken-wing shoulder blades.
Jerry: That's it?
Elaine: No, but that's one problem. Why?
Jerry: Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day...
Elaine: Whoa. Walking around naked? That is not a good look for a man.
George: Why not? It's a good look for a woman.
Elaine: Well, female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It's for getting around. It's like a Jeep.
Jerry: So you don't think it's attractive?
Elaine: It's hideous. The hair, the lumpiness. It's simian.
George: Well, some women like it.
Elaine: Sickies.

Quote from George

Jason Hanky: Hi, I'm Jason. I'm a Rage-aholic.
All: Hi, Jason.
Jason Hanky: This is my first meeting.
George: Step-skipper. That man is a step-skipper. He skips Step 9.
Jason Hanky: Please, Step 9.
George: That's right. He never apologized to me for saying that I would stretch out the neck hole on his sweater. [all laugh] It wasn't funny.
Jason Hanky: It was a very nice sweater. Take a look at his neck, not to mention the melon sitting on top of it. I don't know if I'd trust him with a V-neck.
George: He's bebopping and scatting, and I'm losing it.

Quote from George

George: Oh, hello, Hanky, others.
Jason Hanky: George.
George: You know, Jason, I couldn't help notice: I didn't get my apology.
Jason Hanky: Apology? For what?
George: A draughty apartment. A sweaterless friend. A ball-game-giveaway MetLife Windbreaker.
Jason Hanky: George, come on. Not that neck-hole thing.
George: Yes, the neck-hole thing. And I would appreciate it if you'd say you're sorry.
Jason Hanky: No way. You would have completely stretched it out.
George: You're an alcoholic! You have to apologize. Step 9. Step 9.
Jason Hanky: All right, George, all right. I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to find its way through the normal-size neck hole of my finely knit sweater.

Quote from George

Man: George, here, have a seat.
George: Where's Hanky?
Leader: Okay, let's get started. Welcome to Rage-aholics Anonymous.
George: What? Rage-aholics?
Man: George, this can help you. Hey, I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge.
Leader: Excuse me. We have a no-yelling policy at these meetings.
George: Excuse me. Am I talking to you, pinhead? Am I?
Leader: Please don't call me pinhead.
George: I'm losing it.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: This food is fantastic, Kramer. And what a pretty radish rose, huh?
Kramer: Well, thank you.
Elaine: Well, here's to Peggy on her first week of being germfree free.
Kramer: And here's to David Puddy for helping me install a much-needed and much-appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub.
Peggy: You have a garbage disposal in your bathtub?
Kramer: Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time. Yeah, I made this whole meal in there.
Elaine: This food was in the shower with you?
Kramer: Uh-huh. I prepared it as I bathed.
David Puddy: Oh, germs. Germs. Germs!

Quote from George

George: Remember that party he threw a few years ago? He had that very draughty apartment. I think on 9th Avenue...
Elaine: Faster.
George: I asked if I could borrow a sweater.
Jerry: A cashmere sweater.
George: I said, preferably cashmere. For warmth. So in front of the whole party, he says: "No. I don't want you stretching out the neck hole." [Elaine laughs] Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up. Everybody else did.
Elaine: Well, it's funny. I mean, you have a big head. Or is it because of your neck?
Jerry: No, I think the head does most of the stretching.
George: Regardless, I had to walk around for the rest of the party in some cheap MetLife Windbreaker. Now it is payback time.
Elaine: I really think it's the size of your neck.
George: It's my head!

Quote from Jerry

George: So she coughed.
Jerry: Coughing? Naked? It's a turnoff, man
George: Everything goes with naked.
Jerry: When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching a fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.
George: Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. Do you know how much mental energy I expend trying to picture women naked?
Jerry: But the thing you don't realize is there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good. Naked crouching, bad.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Peggy, we gotta talk. What is it about me that you find so offensive?
Peggy: You seem to be with a lot of men.
Elaine: What? I happen to have a very steady boyfriend. You know, I mean, we broke up a few times, and there has been an occasional guy here or there, but... Why is this your business?
Peggy: It's not. Good day.
Elaine: Oh, all right. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. [wipes keyboard across her butt] How about some for your keyboard, huh? How about that? Yeah? Oh, how about for your stapler? [puts stapler under armpit] That's good, isn't it?
Peggy: You have a happy and a healthy.
[Elaine coughs on Peggy's doorknob]

Quote from Elaine

J. Peterman: Bad news, people. Peggy is home sick.
Elaine: Oh, please.
J. Peterman: She's stuffed up, achy and suffering from intense malaise.
Elaine: Oh, come on. We all have intense malaise, right?
J. Peterman: I just spoke with her, Elaine. She's in bed.
Elaine: Yeah. Let me tell you something. This is all in her mind. Okay, she is insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob, rubbed her stapler in my armpit and put her keyboard on my butt. [to guy next to her] Yeah. She's a wacko.

Quote from George

George: So you're Jason Hanky's supervisor.
Man: Sponsor.
George: Whatever. Listen, I'm very concerned about this guy.
Man: He's doing very well. He's already on to Step 10.
George: Yes, well, when you don't do the steps you can go through them pretty fast. You can get through six a day.
Man: Is there some unresolved issue between you and Jason?
George: I don't know, a little something called Step 9? Instead of an apology he was bebopping and scatting all over me.
Man: I'm not sure what you want me to do.
George: Well, aren't you the boss of him? You shouldn't let him move up. When I was in Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Webelos for three years because I kept losing the Pinewood Derby.
Man: You're quite upset.
George: Well, I think you should drop him down to Step 2.
Man: Admit there's a higher power?
George: Yeah, let him chew on that for a while.
Man: You know, George, I think I can help you. We're having a meeting. Why don't you come by?
George: All right. That's more like it. Thank you very much. By the way, my uncle was an alcoholic.

Quote from David Puddy

Peggy: It was very nice of you to bring the man you're currently sleeping with to talk to me, but I assure you, I don't have any problem with germs.
David Puddy: Don't you? Elaine.
[Elaine leans in towards Peggy]
Peggy: Please.
David Puddy: I know it looks bleak. I've been there. Ten years ago, waking up next to a woman like this would have sent me running for the pHisoHex.
Peggy: Really?
David Puddy: I still have trouble looking at those disgusting old bedroom slippers she slobs around in.
Elaine: Hey, I've had those since college. They're bunnies.
David Puddy: They're bacteria traps.
Peggy: So you just learned to live with it?
David Puddy: For the most part.
Elaine: Okay. We're broken up for the rest of the day.

Quote from George

Jason Hanky: George, thanks for coming down to talk. I wanted to see you right away, but my hours here aren't so flexible. I just started yesterday.
George: Well, I'm here. What is it?
Jason Hanky: Well, I talked to my sponsor, and I've thought it over. And you know, my apology at the coffee shop was sarcastic and rude, and you deserve much better.
George: Well, thank you.
Jason Hanky: You're welcome.
Boy: Can I get a triple Minute Man Mint?
Jason Hanky: Waffle or sugar cone?
George: Excuse me, Jason. I don't wanna get into a big thing here but I'm not sure if technically, what you just said was actually an apology.

Quote from George

Boy: Can you get on that cone?
Jason Hanky: Would you hang on just a second, son? George, what are you talking about?
George: Well, it's just all you said was, "You're welcome." Which is nice. It's very nice. But I feel I gotta get the apology.
Boy: Is there anybody else here but you?
Jason Hanky: I'm alone and it's my second day. You know, I don't even think we have that flavor, so... George, really, enough, okay? You know, I admitted I was wrong. What more do you want from me?
George: I want an apology.
Jason Hanky: All right, look...
Boy #2: Did you try it?
Boy: No, this guy doesn't know what he's doing.
Jason Hanky: Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do. Okay, I'm interacting with someone here, if you can understand that. Now, I'm sorry.
George: There it is. You said it. That's what I want. Now say it again and tell it to me.
Jason Hanky: I'm not saying anything to you. I'm not sorry. I was never sorry. It was cashmere. I hate Step 9. Where's that Rum Raisin? Where is it? I can't find anything. [climbs in the cooler] I need a drink. Daiquiri Ice. Here we go. What are you looking at? Get out. Come on. Can't you see we're closed? Get out.


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