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‘The Stall’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Stall

512. The Stall

Aired January 6, 1994

Jerry is worried that Elaine will figure out his girlfriend is the woman who denied her toilet paper in a cinema bathroom. Meanwhile, George and Kramer go rock climbing with Elaine's "male bimbo" boyfriend, and Kramer starts dialing adult phone lines.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Excuse me. I'm sorry. This is, uh... This is kind of embarrassing... but there's no toilet paper over here.
Jane: Are you talking to me?
Elaine: Yeah. I just forgot to check, so if you could spare some...
Jane: No, I'm sorry.
Elaine: What?
Jane: No, I'm sorry. I can't spare it.
Elaine: You can't spare it?
Jane: No. There's not enough to spare.
Elaine: Well, I don't need much. Just three squares will do it.
Jane: I'm sorry, I don't have three squares. Now, if you don't mind...
Elaine: Three squares? You can't spare three squares?
Jane: No, I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square!
Elaine: Well, is it two-ply? Because if it's two-ply, I'll take one ply. One ply. One puny little ply. I'll take one measly ply!
Jane: Look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply! [toilet flushes]
Elaine: No, no, don't go! I beg you!

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Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Oh, you think she's Erica, the phone-sex woman?
Kramer: Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, it's her. I'm telling you, it's her!
Jerry: Oh, you're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible!
Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be!
Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: He's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday. What if...?
Jerry: What?
Elaine: You know...
Jerry: Oh, you're afraid he might look like Zippy the Pinhead.
Elaine: Yeah. I mean, what is my obligation here? You know, we were just dating. It was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway.
Jerry: Oh, I thought you didn't care about his looks.
Elaine: I lied.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Elaine: Are you kidding? He's a mimbo. I know that. But he's my mimbo. You know, and even if he is a hideous freak... Maybe I can learn to love him. And maybe in some final irony... I'll learn what love really is. You know, Jerry?
Jerry: I'm sorry. I didn't get most of that.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hello, Erica.
Jane: Erica? What are you talking about?
Jerry: How could you say things like that over the phone?
Jane: What things? What are you talking about?
Jerry: Selling sexual pleasure on the phone?
Jane: I sell paper goods, you jerk.
Jerry: Paper goods?
Elaine: Excuse me. Do you have a tissue?
Jane: No, I'm sorry. I can't spare it. There's just not enough to spare.

Quote from Elaine

Jane: Oh, damn.
Elaine: Something wrong?
Jane: Yeah, there's no toilet paper in here. I usually check. Would you mind?
Elaine: I can't. I don't have it. I don't have a square to spare. I can't spare a square.
Jane: Hey, wait a minute. I know you!
Elaine: That's right, honey. And I know you!
[Elaine runs out of the cubicle with rolls of toilet paper]
Jane: No. Wait! No!
[to Jerry in the dining area]
Elaine: Here. Take it.
Jerry: Thanks.
Jane: [to Jerry] Don't call me anymore. [to Kramer in a sultry voice] You either.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Now, of course, the thing is extreme sports. Bungee jumping. To me, if the bungee jumping is a sport, so is being a crash-test dummy. Just leaning does not make it a sport. It's like a Wile E. Coyote idea, isn't it? The thing I wonder about the skydiving, is why do they even bother with the helmets? Can you almost make it? You might as well wear a party hat. What's the difference? I mean, you jump out of a plane 20,000 feet in the air, the chute doesn't open, I got news for you: The helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on, the helmet is talking to the other helmets: "Boy, it's a good thing he was there, or I would have hit the ground directly."

Quote from Elaine

Jane: I mean, a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered. I simply could not spare it. This woman just didn't get it. She kept harassing me.
[meanwhile:]
Elaine: Three squares! That's all I was asking for. Three squares!
[back:]
Jane: She wouldn't stop. "Help me! Help me!" She was insane.
[meanwhile:]
Elaine: I was begging her. "Please, please!" She was insane.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Rock climbing? Where do you come off going rock climbing? Rock climbing? You need a boost to climb into your bed.
George: All right. All right.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The whale's supposed to be such an intelligent animal. You know, you always hear about how they can communicate by song from miles away, how extensive their vocabulary is. I would say, from the rate we're pushing the whales off the beach back into the ocean, the words "shore" and "close" do not appear to be in their vocabulary. I would say to the whales, "Concentrate less on the singing, a little more on the approaching Cuervo beach volleyball tournament. If you want to maintain that brainy-mammal image."

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Listen to this. I am in the bathroom, right, before the movie starts, and I'm in the stall, and there's no toilet paper.
Jerry: No what?
Elaine: Toilet paper.
Jerry: Oh. Whoa.
Elaine: So, I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some... and she refuses!
Jerry: Well, maybe she couldn't spare it.
Elaine: A square?
Jerry: Well, you know, sometimes a square is everything.
Elaine: A ply?
Jerry: Elaine, you cannot judge a person in a situation like that. It's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert. It's battle conditions.
Elaine: Yeah, well, I just hope I run into her again, okay? Because I will never forget that flinty voice. It is tattooed in my brain. If I hear it, watch out.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: You know, I hate to tell you this, but it is time to defrost your freezer.
Jerry: I know. I just can't bring myself to do it. Meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Hey, you got a problem with Tony?
Jerry: Hunky Tony. "Hey."
Elaine: Okay. Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like.
Jerry: Of course you would.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. Like you're one to talk.
Jerry: Elaine...
Elaine: What?
Jerry: It's different for a man. We're expected to be superficial.
Elaine: I'm not being superficial.
Jerry: Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a "mimbo."
Elaine: He's not a mimbo. He is an exciting, charismatic man... who just happens to have a perfect face.

Quote from George

Tony: So I said: "Hey, dude, you better step off."
George: Step off?
Tony: Yeah.
George: You said, "Step off"? God, that is too much! [turns baseball cap around] Hey, hey, Tony... I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is?
Tony: No.
George: Bowling. What do you say? Bowling, huh? Bowling's insane! Bowling is crazy time!
Tony: Bowling? I don't think so, George. You get no rush from bowling.
George: Rush? You want a rush? Drop a ball on your toe, my friend! Talk about a rush, you'll be throbbing! You'll see visions!
Tony: No, no, no. I'm thinking... rock climbing.

Quote from George

George: All right! Rock climbing! Just the two of us? All right. All right. Hey, I'll make some sandwiches. What do you like? Tuna, peanut butter?
Tony: Whatever.
George: All right. I gotta buy some bread.
Tony: You know, I am definitely down for some rock climbing.
George: Yeah, me too. I am down. I am totally down. Mark me down. Cool.
Tony: So, what do you say we climb a rock manana?
George: Manana.
Tony: Manana might be a problem. I'm supposed to... have a boil lanced manana. You know, I think they charge me if I cancel with only one manana's notice.

Quote from George

Jerry: What- What is it with you and Tony? What, are you his sidekick now?
George: Yeah. That's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy.
Jerry: "A cool guy"?
Jerry: What, are you in eighth grade?
George: He's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my life. You know, it's a different world when you're with a cool guy. He's not afraid of anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses. He gets free pie!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I've got oil all over me. Can I have your napkin?
Jane: What?
Jerry: Your napkin. I'm dripping.
Jane: Well, where's your napkin?
Jerry: I used it up.
Jane: Well, I need mine.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: What is with the gum?
Jerry: It's a big problem. She puts like four pieces in her mouth. It's ridiculous. I don't think we're going to be able to get together Saturday.
Elaine: Because of the gum?
Jerry: Well, it's too much. It's embarrassing.
Elaine: Why does she chew so many?
Jerry: She's one of these people that always has to be different.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Where's Tony?
George: Well... Kramer was supposed to tie a knot...
Kramer: Whoa, whoa. Ginga. You were supposed to tie the knot.
Elaine: What, did something happen?
George: Well... Tony took a bit of a tumble.
Elaine: His face? Did something happen to his face?
Kramer: Well, it all depends on what you mean by "happen."
George: He's alive.
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: What happened to his face? Tell me, what happened?

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: So, what did the doctor say?
Tony: They said... They said I'm coming along.
Elaine: Yeah. But what else did they say?
Tony: Well, let's see. They said: "Tony, try to keep it clean."
Elaine: Right. Yeah. No, I mean, um. did they get into stuff like... long, jagged scars... or gross deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that?
Tony: I really don't remember. I was kind of out of it, the first couple of days. I was on a lot of medication. It was kind of like a haze. It was pretty cool.
Elaine: But, you know, in this medicated haze.. in this sort of woozy state... do you recall the words... "radical reconstructive surgery" being uttered?
Tony: I don't know. I don't know.
Elaine: Think, Tony. Think.
Tony: I'm drawing a blank, babe.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Jane, this is my neighbor, Kramer.
Kramer: Oh, hey.
Jane: Hello, Kramer.
Kramer: [shudders] Well, hello, Jane.
Jane: Jerry's told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately.
Kramer: Oh, I don't think so. No, we never met. I never talked to you on the phone. Right, I'll see you later, buddy.
Jerry: Wait. Where you going?
Kramer: Uptown. To the Y.
Jane: Oh, I'm going uptown, too. You wanna split a cab?
Kramer: What about the driver?
Jane: What are you talking about?
Kramer: All right, I changed my mind. Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna go now.
Jane: All right, I'll see you later. Nice meeting you.


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