[stand-up:]
Jerry: Most men like working on things, tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy's out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just, you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there." So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What are you using, a Philips head?" You know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it. That's just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they don't cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. Right over there. "What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold."

Joel: So my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. This guy is a brilliant man. Lenny Bruce used to go to him... And I think, uh, Geraldo.
Jerry: You know, I read the Lenny Bruce biography, I thought it was really-
Joel: Hey, hey, hey, hey we're starving here! We've been waiting here for ten minutes already!
Jerry: So, I'm thinking about going to Iran this summer.
Joel: I have to eat! I mean, I'm hypoglycemic.
Jerry: Anyway, the Hezbollah has invited me to perform. You know, it's their annual terrorist luncheon. I'm gonna do it is Farsi.

Elaine: Come on, let's go do something. I don't want to just sit around here.
Jerry: Okay.
Elaine: Want to go get something to eat?
Jerry: Where do you want to go?
Elaine: I don't care, I'm not hungry.
Jerry: We could go to one of those cappuccino places. They let you just sit there.
Elaine: What are we gonna do there? Talk?
Jerry: We can talk.
Elaine: I'll go if I don't have to talk.
Jerry: We'll just sit there.

Kramer: [enters] Oh, hey guys. Man, I'm telling you, this pizza idea is really going to happen.
George: This is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza?
Kramer: Yeah. We give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it up in the air, and then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and then, you slide it into the oven.
George: You know, you have to know how to do that. You can't have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree oven.
Kramer: It's all supervised.
George: Oh, well.
Kramer: All of it. You want to invest?
George: My money's all tied up in change right now.
Kramer: You know, look, I'm telling you. People, they really want to make their own pizza pie.

George: I'm outta the picture. I am outta the picture. [laughs] It's only a matter of time now.
Jerry: You're imagining this. Really.
George: Oh no. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you when it happened. When that floss came flying out of my pocket.
Jerry: What floss? When?
George: We were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. I was buying her one of those containers of orange drink. For five dollars. I reach into my pocket to pay for it, I look down, there's this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers.
Jerry: Ah, mint.
George: Of course. So, I'm looking at it, I look up, I see she's looking at it. Our eyes lock. It was a horrible moment. I just..
Jerry: So let me get this straight: she saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her.
George: If I didn't put that floss in my pocket, I'd be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses.

Jerry: And you're sure the floss was the catalyst?
George: Yes, I am.
Jerry: You don't think it might've had anything to do with that? [looks at George's fanny pack]
George: What? You don't like this?
Jerry: It looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

George: Who is this guy?
Jerry: His name is Joel Horneck. He lived like three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten. I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: As a guy I don't know how I can break up with another guy. You know what I mean? I don't know how to say, "Bill, I feel I need to see other men." Do you know what I mean? There's nothing I can do. I have to wait for someone to die. I think that's the only way out of this relationship. It could be a long time. See, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. Just two guys will just become friends just because they're two guys. That's almost all we need to have in common. Because sports - sports and women - is really all we talk about. If there was no sports and no women the only thing guys would ever say is "So, what's in the refrigerator?"

George: She calls me up at my office, she says, "We have to talk."
Jerry: Uh, the four worst words in the English language.
George: That or, "Whose bra is this?"
Jerry: That is worse.

George: So we order lunch, and we're talking. Finally, she blurts out how it's not working.
Jerry: Really?
George: So, I'm thinking, as she's saying this, I'm thinking, "Great, the relationship's over. But the egg salad's on the way." So now I have a decision, do I walk or do I eat?
Jerry: Hm? You ate.
George: We sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship.
Jerry: Someone says, "Get out of my life!" and that doesn't affect your appetite?
George: Have you ever had their egg salad?
Jerry: It is unbelievable.
George: It's unbelievable. You know what else is unbelievable? I picked up the check. She didn't even offer. She ended it. The least she could do is send me off with a sandwich.