- Main Characters
- Estelle Costanza
- Frank Costanza
- Helen Seinfeld
- Morty Seinfeld
- Uncle Leo
- Mr. Steinbrenner
- J. Peterman
- Jackie Chiles
- David Puddy
- Susan Ross
Quote from The Bottle Deposit
George: What are you talking about?
Mr. Steinbrenner: George, I've read this report. It's very troubling. Very troubling indeed. It's a sick mind at work here.
[Two medical orderlies enter Mr. Steinbrenner's office behind George]
Mr. Steinbrenner: Okay, come on boys. Come on in here. George, this is Herb and Dan. They're gonna take you away to a nice place where you can get some help. They're very friendly people there. My brother-in-law was there for a couple of weeks. The man was obsessed with lactating women. They completely cured him, although he still eats a lot of cheese. [the orderlies grab George]
George: But you see- You see, I didn't write that report. That, that's not mine.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Of course you didn't, George. Of course you didn't write it. [they start to drag George out]
George: I didn't do it! It..It just got done. I don't know how it got done, but it did.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Of course. Of course it got done. Things get done all the time, I understand. [as George disappears] Don't worry, your job'll be waiting for you when you get back. Get better, George. Get better!
Quote from The Millenium
George: You wanted to see me, sir?
Mr. Steinbrenner: I heard about what happened at the meeting this morning...
George: Oh, yes. I already packed up my desk, sir. I can be outta here in an hour.
Mr. Steinbrenner: ...and I have to tell you, it's exactly what this organisation needed. We wanna look to the future, we gotta tear down the past. Babe Ruth was nothing more than a fat old man with little-girl legs. And here's something I just found out recently. He wasn't really a sultan. Huh, what do you make of that? Hey, check this out. [stands up] Lou Gehrig's pants. Not a bad fit. Hey, you don't think that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? Uh, I better take them off. I'm too important to this team. Big Stein can't be flopping and twitching. Hey, how about some lunch. What are you going for?
Quote from The Secretary
George: But Mr. Steinbrenner, how can I be expected to perform my job properly, knowing that my, uh, subordinate is making more money than I am? With all due respect, sir, it's outta whack.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Uh huh, I understand what you're saying George and I know what it's like to be financially strapped. When I was a young man in Cleveland, I used to hitchhike to work. One time, I got picked up by a bakery truck. You think that stuff smells good? Try being cooped up in the back of one of those babies.I couldn't look at a donut for the next two years. Well, not that I was ever one for the sweets. Sure, I like a cup cake every now and then, like everybody else. You know, I like it when they have a little cream on the inside, it's a surprise. That's good. Plus, the chocolate ones are good too. Sometimes, I just can't even make up my mind. A lot of times, I'll mix the two together, make a vanilla fudge.
Quote from The Bottle Deposit
Mr. Steinbrenner: Let me ask you something, George. You having any personal problems at home? Girl trouble, love trouble of any kind?
George: No, sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: What about drugs? You doing some of that crack cocaine? You on the pipe?
George: No, sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Because I got a flash for you young man, you're non compos mentis! You got some bats in the belfry!
Quote from The Nap
Mr. Steinbrenner: Costanza? Where's Costanza? Excuse mois? Have you seen Costanza?
Secretary: I've seen him around.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Um. He was humming this song yesterday. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I've got to know the name of that. "She's a heartbreaker A love-taker Brubaker run this prison like a man Ooh Ooh" Something like that. Very catchy tune. Very, very catchy. Well, you know what? I'm gonna sit here and wait for that guy. What is this, People? "The Most Beautiful People" People. Connie Sellecca. Nothing wrong that, huh?
Quote from The Race
George: You, uh, wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
Mr. Steinbrenner: Yes George, I did. Come in, come in. George, the word around the office is that you're a Communist.
George: Communist? I am a Yankee, sir, first and foremost.
Mr. Steinbrenner: You know, George, it struck me today me that a Communist pipeline into the vast reservoir of Cuban baseball talent could be the greatest thing ever to happen to this organization.
Mr. Steinbrenner: You could be invaluable to this franchise. George, there's a southpaw down there nobody's been able to get a look at. Something Rodriguez. I don't really know his name. You get yourself down to Havana right away.
George: Yes, sir. Yes, sir, do my best.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Good, Merry Christmas, George. And bring me back some of those cigars in the cedar boxes, you know the ones with the fancy rings? I love those fancy rings. They kind of distract you while you're smoking. The red and yellow are nice. It looks good against the brown of the cigar. The Maduro... I like the Maduro wrapper. The darker the better, that's what I say. Of course, the Claro's good too. That's more of a pale brown. Almost like a milky coffee. [George exits] I find the ring size very confusing. They have it in centimetres which I don't really understand that well...
Quote from The Jimmy
George: You wanted to see me Mr. Steinbrenner?
Mr. Steinbrenner: Yes, George. Come in. Come in. You know, George, I've been your biggest supporter around here and that's why I was so disappointed to hear that you been pilfering the equipment.
George: George would never do anything like that.
Mr. Steinbrenner: No, why would I? I own it.
Mr. Steinbrenner: So what are you saying?
George: Why would George steal from the Yankees?
Mr. Steinbrenner: He wouldn't.
George: 'course not.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Exactly. [mumbles] I don't really know what the hell's going on here.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Nothing.
George: Well, I was thinking it's about time for George's lunch.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Yes, it is. All right, let's see what I have today. Oh, darn it. It's ham & cheese again. And she forgot the fancy mustard. I told her I like that fancy mustard. You know, you could put that fancy mustard on a shoe and it would taste pretty good to me. Oh, she made it up with a cupcake, though. Hey, look at this. You know, I got a new system for eating these things, George. I used to peel off the chocolate, now I turn them upside down. I eat the cake first and save the frosting for the end. It's almost a dessert dessert.
Quote from The Hot Tub
Mr. Steinbrenner: How are you enjoying it, George? Melts that tension away, doesn't it? You gotta get that jet on the good spot. Oh. Oh. Uh. Uh. Yes, that feels good. Yes, that's real good. Oh yeah, that's where I keep all my tension. Right down to that chicken bone. Sometimes I get my wife to just stuck her thumb right in there like a screwdriver. You know, the Phillips head, not the flat one. Oh God, those flat ones frustrate me. You got it in, but it slips out. You put it in again, slips out again. You a single man, George?
George: Well, I-I just recently uh...
Mr. Steinbrenner: I'll tell you, if you wanna get something wild going on in your life, you get a girl and bring her to one of these things. It's like four shots of wild turkey. She'll think you're Hopalong Cassidy. It was terrible about that Mickey Mantle, wasn't it? You know, we used to talk. I don't think he liked me very much, you know.
Quote from The Caddy
George: Anyway, as I was lying in the puddle, I think I may have found a way for us to get Bonds and Griffey, and we wouldn't have to give up that much.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Well, don't tell it to me George, tell it to the new Assistant to the General Manager.
George: I didn't get the job?
Mr. Steinbrenner: Well, once you were dead, we couldn't just sit on our hands. We had to make a move...
[A dejected George turns to leave, no longer walking with the aid of the crutches. He takes the bandage off his head and closes the door.]
Mr. Steinbrenner: But, you still have your old job. Of course, we'll have to dock you for the time you missed. We're running a ball club here. If I give special treatment to you, everyone will want it. Next thing you know its chaos! And I can tell you this, chaos does not work for the New York Yankees! Not as long as I'm running the show!
Quote from The Millenium
Mr. Steinbrenner: I heard what you did in the parking lot, big boy, and it is [stressing each syllable] inexcusable. You personally insulted me, my staff... I cannot believe that you, Body-Suit Man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. Breaks my heart to say it... Oh, who am I kidding? I love it. You're fi...
Wilhelm: Wait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. George doesn't deserve any of the blame for what happened in the parking lot today, sir. If there's anyone to blame here, it's me.
Mr. Steinbrenner: What are you talking about, Wilhelm. You popping pills? You got the crazies again?
Wilhelm: No, no. No, no, sir. I ordered George to drive around insulting people today. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games.
George: He's lying, sir! I'm tired of all your macho head games!
Mr. Steinbrenner: Macho head games?
Wilhelm: [puts arm around George] He's just being loyal to me, sir.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Wilhelm, you're fired. I owe you an apology, Body-Suit Man. Streak on. [stands up] Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going to the game today, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets. Owner's box, that's gotta bring in forty bucks, no problem.
George: Mr Wilhelm, what was that?!
Wilhelm: I wanted to get fired. George, you are looking at the new head scout of the New York Mets. [sings] Meet the Mets, meet the Mets. Come right out and greet the Mets.