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‘The Contest’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Contest

411. The Contest

Aired November 18, 1992

When George puts his mother in the hospital after being caught in an indelicate situation, the friends compete over who can hold out the longest without pleasuring themselves.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o'clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk. I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!
George: Ma.
Estelle Costanza: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could have cracked my head open.
George: Ma, people can hear you.
Estelle Costanza: Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you. You could be a big star!
George: All right, Ma, that's enough!

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Quote from George

George: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint. She started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.
Kramer: Man..
George: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up.
Jerry: What did you do?
George: I zipped up!
Elaine: So, she fell?
George: Yeah. Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!
Elaine: No, I guess you couldn't have...
Jerry: No, I wouldn't think so.
Elaine: ...done that.
George: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: John F. Kennedy Jr.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: He was in my aerobics class.
Jerry: Really? Did you talk to him?
Elaine: No, you don't understand. He was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, "Quite a workout."
George: "Quite a workout"? What did you say?
Elaine: I said, "Yeah."
Jerry: Good one.
Elaine: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. So we're walking and talking, and he asked me my name. Ad I think I said Elaine, but, I mean, who the hell knows. And so then, he says to me: "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?" And I said, "Sure", even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Jr. we're talking about! So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I- And I- And I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, [laughs] and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house. Oh, God..
Jerry: But the question is, are you still master of your domain?
Elaine: Oh, I'm queen of the castle.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: So, did you make it through the night?
Jerry: Yes, I'm proud to say I did!
Kramer: So, you're still master of your domain.
Jerry: Yes. Yes, I am. Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to her apartment, and I'm telling her to put those shades down!
Kramer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What- What did you just say?
Jerry: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbing the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest... Something's gotta give!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You don't really want to visualize your parents having sex. You know what I mean? It's somehow a very uncomfortable thing. You know, in your mind, that they had to have sex at least once to have you. But you still kind of maintain the image in your head that, "Well, I don't know. I'm not positive. I can't prove it. I don't know if that actually happened." That's why if I found out I was adopted, that would really come as great news. "I'm adopted? That's great." I'd be happy to hear that. That means, technically, it's possible, that my mother and father are just great friends. I mean, sex is great, but you don't want to think your whole life began because somebody maybe had a little too much wine with dinner.

Quote from George

George: My mother caught me.
Jerry: "Caught" you? Doing what?
George: You know. [all three are expressionless] I was alone...
Elaine: You mean..?!
George: Uh-huh.
Kramer: She caught you?
Jerry: Where?
George: I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes. Nobody was there. They're supposed to be working. My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it..
Jerry: Glamour?
George: So, one thing lead to another...

Quote from George

Elaine: How is she?
George: She's in traction.
Elaine: [laughs] Okay, I'm sorry.
George: It's not funny, Elaine.
Elaine: [stifles laughter] I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious.
George: Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's there!"

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it.
Jerry: Well, I'm doing it, get out of my way.
Kramer: No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think: "Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come true, and you want to... throw it away?!

Quote from George

Jerry: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?
George: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous. Then I got a look at the patient... [laughs, snorts] I was going nuts.
Jerry: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.
George: Well, my mother, Jerry..
Jerry: But are you still master of your domain?
George: I am king of the county. You?
Jerry: Lord of the manor.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: [watching the nudist] Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there. It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed. That's good, that's good. Yes, yes, yes.
Jerry: [sings along with the TV] The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus..
Kramer: [sings along] The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on..

Quote from Jerry

George: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Jerry: Dating Marla.
George: Oh, the virgin?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Any, uh, progress, there? What's the latest?
Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border. I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: I want to be in on this, too.
Guys: Oh, no. No, no, no..
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: It's apples and oranges.
Elaine: What? Why? Why?
Jerry: Because you're a woman!
Elaine: So what?
Jerry: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.
Elaine: Oh.
Jerry: We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh.. shaving.
Elaine: Oh, that is such baloney. I shave my legs.
Kramer: Not everyday.

Quote from Elaine

George: I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring.
Jerry: What happened?
Elaine: It was, uh... John-John.
Jerry & George: Oh, John-John.
Jerry: But you made it through the day before.
Elaine: Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o'clock tonight.
Jerry: Why outside here?
Elaine: Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up.
Jerry: All right, Costanza, it's just you and me.
George: And then, [sniffs the money] there were two.
Elaine: Elaine Benes Kennedy Jr.

Quote from George

George: Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing.. that , again.
Elaine: What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together?
George: All together.
Elaine: Oh, gimme a break..
Jerry: Oh, yeah, right.
Kramer: Oh, like you're gonna stop?
George: You don't think I can?
Jerry: No chance.
George: You think you could?
Jerry: Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.

Quote from Jerry

George: Care to make it interesting?
Jerry: Sure, how much?
George: A hundred dollars.
Jerry: You're on.
Kramer: Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this.
Jerry: You?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: You'll be out before we get the check.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Okay, one-fifty.
George: All right, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing?
Jerry: Well, obviously, we all know each other very well. I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system.
Kramer: All right.
[Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer make a "pinkie-promise"]

Quote from George

George: [on the phone] No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you do pay for it! No. Discussion over. Yeah, all right, I'll see you later. Yes, of course I'm gonna come by. All right. [hangs up] My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?! Because she caught me? You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist... [laughs, snorts]
Jerry: ...Yeah?
George: Whatever.

Quote from George

Jerry: Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room?
George: I would imagine it's all naked.
Jerry: What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too?
George: They're naked, the gardeners naked, the bellhops... One big nude-a-rama.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Well, where's my money? Who caved?
Jerry: Not me.
George: Not me.
Elaine: What are you looking at?
Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street.
Elaine: [chuckles] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life.

Quote from George

Elaine: So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.
Jerry: [distracted] Yeah... The... The waitress should've taken it back.
Elaine: So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're going to Mars.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: Have a good time.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: I want you to go see a psychiatrist.
George: No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist!
Estelle Costanza: Why? Why not?! Why won't you go?
George: Because I don't want to.
Estelle Costanza: I want you to go see somebody.
George: Well, I am not going.
Estelle Costanza: It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.

Quote from George

Shelly: Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you. How did this happen?
George: Is that important, really?! What is this, a police investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive the experience now?!

Quote from Elaine

Joyce: So, when was the last time you took a class?
Elaine: Oh, it's been a while.
Joyce: Are you psyched?
Elaine: [fake enthusiasm] Yeah. yeah, I'm really... psyched.
Joyce: Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here.
Elaine: Why is that?
Joyce: See the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts?
Elaine: Oh, my God. John F. Kennedy Junior's here!
Joyce: He's gonna be in your class today.
Elaine: In my class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my class?!
Joyce: I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt.
Elaine: Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.
Jerry: Kramer, get outta my way!
Kramer: No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm begging you! Please! Come on! Please!
Jerry: All right.
Kramer: Yes!
Jerry: All right.
Kramer: Thank you, thank you, thank you. [sits down in a chair at the window]
Jerry: She's not there!
Kramer: Oh, I can wait...

Quote from George

Estelle Costanza: You're back.
George: Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit.
Estelle Costanza: I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this.
George: You're my mother. What wouldn't I do for you?
Estelle Costanza: You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a sandwich..
George: You got it, Ma. A little later. [George sits down]
Estelle Costanza: Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak.
George: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?
Estelle Costanza: I don't understand why you can't do this for me!
George: I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you.
Estelle Costanza: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over!
George: Ten minutes! Here, here. Have some Tic-Tacs.
Estelle Costanza: Get the hell outta here. I'm sorry you came.

Quote from Elaine

Joyce: Did you get your hair done today?
Elaine: No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit.
Joyce: You-know-who isn't here. He was in the early class today. But I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday.
Elaine: What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an impression? What impression?
Joyce: Let me just put this back.
Elaine: No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?!
Joyce: He asked about you.
Elaine: He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about me?! What did he say?
Joyce: He wanted to know your situation.
Elaine: What situation? I have a situation?
Joyce: I-I told him you were single.
Elaine: That was good. That was very good.
Joyce: He said you were just his type.
Elaine: Okay, you trying to hurt me? Are you trying to hurt- You're trying to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt me.
Joyce: He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your building if you want to come down and say hello.

Quote from Jerry

George: All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee?
Jerry: I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside!

Quote from Jerry

George: Where did you get those socks?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I think those are my socks!
Jerry: How are these your socks?!
George: I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore!
Jerry: Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinking feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them!
George: Yeah, well, they're my socks!
Jerry: They're my socks!

Quote from George

George: Oh, boy.
Jerry: What are we doing here?
George: Oh boy.
Jerry: This is ridiculous.
George: Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting.
Jerry: I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody.
George: Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street.

Quote from Elaine

[Elaine sheepishly enters the apartment, walks over to the kitchen counter and takes money out of her purse]
Elaine: Hello.
George: You caved?!
Jerry: It's over?
George: You're out?
Jerry: Oh, my God. The Queen is dead.
[Elaine sets the bills down on the counter]

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Men wanna see women naked. Whatever it is that you won't show us, that's what we're obsessed with seeing. I mean, if women always wore hats in public, all the time, you'd see men buying "Playhead magazine". You know, "Skulls of the Big 10". This would be the only thing that we're interested in. What about these cultures in, like, National Geographic, where everybody is naked. What are the men in these cultures trying to look at when the women walk by? How could you have a strip club in a place like that? A woman goes on the stage, takes off the necklace and takes out nose ring, that's it, show's over. Men are in the audience going, "Boy, did you see that little indentation in the top of her lip? I told you, this place is hot."


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