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Seinfeld: The Contest

411. The Contest

Aired November 18, 1992

When George puts his mother in the hospital after being caught in an indelicate situation, the friends compete over who can hold out the longest without pleasuring themselves.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o'clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk. I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!
George: Ma.
Estelle Costanza: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could have cracked my head open.
George: Ma, people can hear you.
Estelle Costanza: Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you. You could be a big star!
George: All right, Ma, that's enough!

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Quote from George

George: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint. She started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.
Kramer: Man..
George: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up.
Jerry: What did you do?
George: I zipped up!
Elaine: So, she fell?
George: Yeah. Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!
Elaine: No, I guess you couldn't have...
Jerry: No, I wouldn't think so.
Elaine: ...done that.
George: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: John F. Kennedy Jr.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: He was in my aerobics class.
Jerry: Really? Did you talk to him?
Elaine: No, you don't understand. He was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, "Quite a workout."
George: "Quite a workout"? What did you say?
Elaine: I said, "Yeah."
Jerry: Good one.
Elaine: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. So we're walking and talking, and he asked me my name. Ad I think I said Elaine, but, I mean, who the hell knows. And so then, he says to me: "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?" And I said, "Sure", even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Jr. we're talking about! So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I- And I- And I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, [laughs] and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house. Oh, God..
Jerry: But the question is, are you still master of your domain?
Elaine: Oh, I'm queen of the castle.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: So, did you make it through the night?
Jerry: Yes, I'm proud to say I did!
Kramer: So, you're still master of your domain.
Jerry: Yes. Yes, I am. Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to her apartment, and I'm telling her to put those shades down!
Kramer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What- What did you just say?
Jerry: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I'm here, I'm climbing the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest... Something's gotta give!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You don't really want to visualize your parents having sex. You know what I mean? It's somehow a very uncomfortable thing. You know, in your mind, that they had to have sex at least once to have you. But you still kind of maintain the image in your head that, "Well, I don't know. I'm not positive. I can't prove it. I don't know if that actually happened." That's why if I found out I was adopted, that would really come as great news. "I'm adopted? That's great." I'd be happy to hear that. That means, technically, it's possible, that my mother and father are just great friends. I mean, sex is great, but you don't want to think your whole life began because somebody maybe had a little too much wine with dinner.

Quote from George

George: My mother caught me.
Jerry: "Caught" you? Doing what?
George: You know. [all three are expressionless] I was alone...
Elaine: You mean..?!
George: Uh-huh.
Kramer: She caught you?
Jerry: Where?
George: I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes. Nobody was there. They're supposed to be working. My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it..
Jerry: Glamour?
George: So, one thing lead to another...

Quote from George

Elaine: How is she?
George: She's in traction.
Elaine: [laughs] Okay, I'm sorry.
George: It's not funny, Elaine.
Elaine: [stifles laughter] I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious.
George: Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's there!"

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it.
Jerry: Well, I'm doing it, get out of my way.
Kramer: No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think: "Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come true, and you want to... throw it away?!

Quote from George

Jerry: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?
George: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous. Then I got a look at the patient... [laughs, snorts] I was going nuts.
Jerry: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.
George: Well, my mother, Jerry..
Jerry: But are you still master of your domain?
George: I am king of the county. You?
Jerry: Lord of the manor.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: [watching the nudist] Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there. It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed. That's good, that's good. Yes, yes, yes.
Jerry: [sings along with the TV] The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus..
Kramer: [sings along] The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on..

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