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‘The Kiss Hello’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Kiss Hello

617. The Kiss Hello

Aired February 16, 1995

Jerry is fed up of the "kiss hello". Kramer tries to make the apartment building more friendly. Meanwhile, George is outraged when a physical therapist (guest star Wendie Malick) charges him for a cancelled appointment.

Quote from George

George: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Elaine: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because it is what she does.
George: I love these people! You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office! When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Elaine: George, you got a little something, right here.
George: [wiping face] These people think they're so important!

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Quote from George

Receptionist: Oh, hi. Mr. Costanza, we were trying to get in touch with you. Wendy can't make her appointment. [clicks tongue]
George: What do you mean?
Receptionist: She had some personal affair she had to attend to. I left a message on your machine. You didn't get it?
George: When did you leave the message?
Receptionist: A few hours ago.
George: Oh, I'm sorry, I require twenty-four hours notice for a cancellation. Now, as I see it, you owe me seventy-five dollars.
Receptionist: Look, Mr. Costanza...
George: Will that be cash or check? [clicks tongue]

Quote from George

Wendy: I'm sorry, I don't owe you anything. I had some personal business that day.
George: Oh, I see. So your time is more valuable than mine. Is that it? You're a delicate genius!
Wendy: A delicate genius?

Quote from George

Elaine: Wendy, I injured my shoulder, Wednesday, when you dropped me off and I had to carry my skis, and my boots, and my poles and everything, all the way home. I'm, I'm having trouble lifting my arm. Do you think you could give me some treatment?
Wendy: Oh, sure. You have insurance, right?
Elaine: Insurance? You're charging me?
George: [returns] Wednesday? That's your personal business?! Skiing?! Oh, sure, let people suffer, while you're shushing all over a mountain?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Now, I was thinking the other day about hair, and that the weird thing about it, is that people will touch other people's hair. You will actually kiss another human being, right on the head. But, if one of those hairs should somehow be able to get out of that skull, and go off on its own, it is now the vilest, most disgusting thing that you can encounter. The same hair. People freak out. "There was a hair in the egg salad!"

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Well, I'm going on record right now that that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.
Elaine: Why?
Jerry: Well, you know, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time.

Quote from George

Jerry: There's a squeeze ketchup.
George: I've seen squeeze mustard. I've never seen squeeze ketchup.
Jerry: Well, if they make squeeze mustard, doesn't it stand to reason that they make squeeze ketchup?
George: Not necessarily. Mustard lends itself to the squeeze.
Jerry: I really don't see the difference.
George: Oh, there's a difference. It's subtle.
Jerry: It's subtle?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I'm putting everybody's picture up in the lobby of our building.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: So everyone will know everybody's name. See, people are gonna be a lot friendlier.
Jerry: I, I don't want my picture plastered up in the lobby.
Kramer: Imagine walking by someone on the floor, and you say "Hey, Carl!" and he says "Hey, Jerry!" You see, that's the kind of society I wanna live in.
Jerry: Kramer, I don't wanna stop and talk with everyone, every time I go in the building. I just wanna nod and be on my way.
Kramer: [to Elaine] You know, your eyeliner's smudged a little. Why do you wear so much eye makeup?
Elaine: Yeah. This is gonna work out just fine.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: Do you know what the interest on that fifty dollars comes to over fifty-three years?
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, Morty, please.
Morty Seinfeld: S663.45. And that's figuring conservatively at five percent interest, over 53 years, compounded quarterly. Or, if you put it into a 10-year T-bill-
Helen Seinfeld: Morty, will you stop it!
Morty Seinfeld: Well, he's not getting away with this!

Quote from George

Receptionist: Ah, you owe a $150.
George: What for?
Receptionist: Well, you cancelled on Tuesday, and our policy is "twenty-four hours notice, for all cancellations". [clicks tongue]
George: Well, I, I couldn't come. I, I had to drive my mother to, to the chiropodist.
Wendy: [enters] What's the problem?
George: Are you aware that I'm being charged for Tuesday's appointment? I had to take my mother to the chiropodist.
Wendy: Well, I'm sorry, that's our policy. [exits]
George: Oh, you have a policy! The delicate genius has a policy!
Receptionist: So, will you be here tomorrow?
George: Well, it's less than twenty-four hours, so I guess I have to! [storms out]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Well, thank you very much!
Kramer: For what?
Jerry: For putting my picture up on that wall. I'm like Richard Dawson down there now. And every person I see engages me in this long, boring, tedious, conversation. I can't even get out of the building!
Kramer: You should be thanking me for liberating you from your world of loneliness and isolation. Now, you're part of a family.
Jerry: Family?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on $50 he was supposed to give my mother in 1941, and my uncle put my Nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I'll tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are.
[Kramer kisses Jerry just as George opens the door. George backs out of the apartment without saying a word.]

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: She'd driven me a 120 miles and, all of a sudden, three blocks from my door, she decides this trip is over. Isn't that strange?
Jerry: Yes, it's very strange. Very strange.
Elaine: I've never heard of anything like this. I mean, it's almost as if I was hitch-hiking and she says, "Well, this is as far as I can take you."
Jerry: I'll tell you, if you were hitch-hiking, you'd never get into a car with someone with a hairdo like that.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Jerry: [on the phone] Hi, mom. So, what's happening with uncle Leo? Is he paying you?
Helen Seinfeld: Well, he said no. He said we had no proof.
Morty Seinfeld: No proof? We'll get him. He's a crook, sooner or later, he'll slip up.
Helen Seinfeld: Uh, anyway, I want you to go check on Nana at the home.
Jerry: Okay, I will.
Morty Seinfeld: Do you realize an above-average performing growth mutual fund for 53 years...


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