Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Calzone’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Calzone

720. The Calzone

Aired April 25, 1996

George bonds with his boss, Mr. Steinbrenner, over calzones. Jerry dates a woman who can get anything she wants. Elaine goes out for a meal with a guy who lost a bet. Meanwhile, Kramer starts heating up his clothes.

Quote from Newman

Newman: I called in sick. I don't work in the rain.
George: You don't work in the rain? You're a mailman. "Neither rain nor sleet nor..." It's the first one.
Newman: I was never that big on creeds.
George: You were supposed to deliver my calzones. We had a deal!
Newman: I believe the deal was that I get the calzones on my mail route. Well, today I won't be going on my mail route, will I? Perhaps tomorrow.
George: But I'm paying you!
Newman: Yes, thank you. [closes door]
George: Newman!

Rate

Quote from George

Jerry: So George, remember I was telling you Nikki always gets whatever she wants. We're at the movies last night. It's sold out. Nikki goes and talks to the manager. Right in.
George: Beautiful women. You know, they could get away with murder. You never she any of them lift anything over three pounds. They get whatever they want whenever they want it. Nobody can stop them.
Jerry: She's like a beautiful Godzilla.
George: And I'm thousands of fleeing Japanese.

Quote from Newman

Newman: Well, you certainly are in a bind.
George: Yeah. And I thought since you go buy there everyday, we could help each other out.
Newman: [chuckles] Oh, well. Let me perfectly blunt. I don't care for you, Costanza. You hang out on the west side of the building with Seinfeld all day and just laughing it up, wasting your lives.
George: Are you going to help me or not?
Newman: All right, all right. I will help you. But I will except something in return.
George: What?
Newman: Well, for starters I want a calzone of my own.
George: All right.
Newman: And a slice of pepperoni pizza. And a large soda. And three times a week, I shall require a canolie.
George: That's a little steep, don't you think?
Newman: You know, I hear Mr. Steinbrenner can be a bit erratic. I would hate to see him when he's hungry.
George: All right, all right.
Newman: Do we have a deal?
George: Just make sure you have them to me by one o'clock. He's very regimented about his meals.
Newman: I know exactly how he feels. Well, nice doing business with you. Do come again. [laughs]

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

George: Well, currently, the doors on the bathroom stalls, here at the stadium, don't offer much by way of privacy. But I was thinking if we extend the doors all the way to the floor...
Mr. Steinbrenner: All the way to the floor! What are you out your mind? You'd suffocate in there. You'rer lucky you have any doors at all. You know, when I was in the army... Hey, Costanza. What is that you're eating over there? That looks pretty tasty.
George: It's a calzone, sir.
Mr.. Steinbrenner: A calzone, huh? Pass it down here. Let's get a little look at at it. I want a little taste. Come on, come on. Pass it down here. That's a good boy. Okay. What's in this thing?
George: Uh. Cheese, pepperoni, eggplant.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Eggplant. Oh, that's a hell of a thing. Okay, back to business. Okay, here you go. Very good, very good. Excellent. Excellent calzone you got there Costanza. I'm a little jealous now. Okay, here we go. [talks rapidly] Like I told you last week, the renovation of the press box is taking too long. [normal voice] Boy, you know that eggplant was very good. Everybody out. I got eggplant on my mind. Costanza, go get me couple of those calzones right now. Pronto. Move out. Big Stein wants an eggplant calzone. He ust have one. Everybody out. Out. Hurry up. Hurry up.

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

Mr. Steinbrenner: What did he do with it? It's gotta be here somewhere. I'm not crazy. I can smell it. [sniffs Kramer's shirt] Oh, hey, Costanza. How come these clothes smell like calzone?
George: My friend put them in the pizza oven.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Put them in a pizza oven? What for?
George: To heat them up.
Mr. Steinbrenner: That's not a bad idea. How about this? We'll put all the uniforms in big pizza ovens before the game. That's fantastic. Keep those muscles loosey-goosey. This could be big. Clean up this mess, will you? Big Stein's onto something. I smell a pennant!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Have you noticed that every place you go into lately has that tip jar on the counter? What is the service that this tip is for, anyway? I mean, isn't the man basically just turning around? Isn't that really all it is? I think we're tipping people now just for the absence of outright hostility. "Thanks very much. Here's a little extra for not taking my head and smashing my face through the glass countertop. Really good service here."

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What's with you?
Kramer: Feel this.
Jerry: Wow. That's hot.
Kramer: Yeah. It's piquing hot. It's fresh out of the dryer. Hey, Elaine, you've got to feel my pants.
Elaine: I'll see you later. [exits]
Kramer: Oh. All right. You don't know what your missing. I'm loving this, Jerry. I am never putting on another piece of clothing unless it's straight out of the dryer.
Jerry: So, now every time you get dressed, you're going to go down to the basement and use the dryer?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. It's a warm and wonderful feeling, Jerry.

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

Mr. Steinbrenner: [answers phone] What is it, Watson? A lost and found? No, I don't think we need that. If people can't hold on to things, tough luck. [to George] You got a little chunk on your lip, by the way.
George: You know, a lost and found could be a good idea.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Hold on, Watson. You like lost and found George?
George: Definitely.
Mr. Steinbrenner: All right. A lost and found. But there's got to be some kind of a time limit. We're not running a pawn shop here.

Quote from George

George: So, they're putting in a lost and found because of me. I mean, there's a time limit but still.
Jerry: They're really building a Utopian society up there. And you attribute all this to the calzone?
George: Yeah. I am like a drug dealer. I got the guy hooked. I am having lunch at his desk everyday this week, just him and me. He doesn't make a move without me. It's very exciting.
Jerry: Boy, with you two guys at the helm. The last piece of the puzzle is in place.

Quote from George

George: So let me ask you a question about the tip cup, because I had a little thing with the calzone guy there this morning. I go to drop a buck in the tip jar and just as I am about to drop it, in he looks the other way. And then, as I am leaving, he gives me this look like, "Thanks for nothing."
Jerry: You got no credit.
George: Exactly. It's like I'm throwing a buck away. I mean, if they don't notice it what's the point.
Jerry: So you don't make it a habit of giving to the blind?
George: Not bills.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Let me ask you a question. Was the movie part of the bet?
Elaine: No. We were both in the mood for one.
Jerry: You know, Elaine, it's not my way to intrude on the personal lives of close friends.
Elaine: Oh, is that so?
Jerry: Absolutely. But I feel I must inform you that what happened last night was more than a simple bet.
Elaine: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Come on. Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars. He made a bet he knew he was going to lose just to take you to dinner.
Elaine: Oh, that doesn't make any sense. I mean, if he wanted to ask me out, why didn't he just ask me?
Jerry: Because if he doesn't ask you out, he doesn't get rejected. He's found a dating loop hole.
Elaine: I don't buy it.

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

George: I got the calzones, Mr. Steinbrenner.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Oh, beautiful. I am starving, George.
George: So, I thought tomorrow maybe we'd try a little corn beef.
Mr. Steinbrenner: Corn beef. Eh, I don't think so. It is a little fatty.
George: How about Chinese?
Mr. Steinbrenner: No. Too many containers. Big mess, big mess. Too sloppy. I want to stick with the calzones from Paisano's. That's the ticket.
George: I just thought it would be nice. A little variety.
Mr. Steinbrenner: No, no, no. George, let me tell you something. When I find something I like, I stick with it. From 1973 to 1982, I ate the exact same lunch everyday. Turkey chili in a bowl made out of bread. Bread bowl, George. You'd eat the chili. Then you'd eat the bowl. There's nothing more satisfying than looking down after lunch and seeing just the table.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.
Jerry: You got your shirt in my oven!?
Kramer: Yeah, well, you know, I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. But this is better anyway. And it's more convenient.
Jerry: Oh, for both of us.
Kramer: And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for 10 minutes at 325 degrees.
Jerry: What's wrong with your oven?
Kramer: I am baking a pie!

Quote from George

George: Well, this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now.
Jerry: So what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzone?
George: What's he going to do? That's exactly the point. Nobody knows what this guy is capable of. He fires people like it is a bodily function.
Jerry: Why don't you get someone else from the office to go to Paisano's ?
George: Because before you know it, he'll be having lunch with him. You know how these interoffice politics work.
Jerry: No, I never had a job.

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

Mr. Steinbrenner: [on the phone] That's right. Do you want me to say it again?> I'll say it again. I haven't had a pimple since I was eighteen and I don't care if you don't believe me or not. And how's this? You're fired. Okay, you're not. I'm just a little hungry. I'm sorry. Where's Costanza? Where's my calzone? It's 1:15. He's late. Wait a second. I got to call you back. [sniffs] That smell. I know that smell. He's in building. Costanza is in the building. And he's not in this office. He's got the calzone. Costanza! I catch you, I'm killing you, Costanza!


 Episode 719 Episode 721 
  Select another episode