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‘The Fire’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Fire

520. The Fire

Aired May 5, 1994

George panics when there's a fire at his girlfriend's apartment as she hosts a birthday party for her son. Jerry is heckled at the comedy club by Kramer's girlfriend.

Quote from George

George: [hoarse from shouting] I was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety.
Robin: But you yelled, "Get out of my way"!
George: Because... Because... As the leader, if I die, then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?
Robin: But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic. I saw you knock them down. And when you ran out, you left everyone behind.
George: Seemingly. Seemingly. To the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing, what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? Oh! And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh-ho, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George: It's not easy.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there. You're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's going on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it. You don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring them in, they sit them down, and they tell you, "These are your friends!" Tell them, "Thank you for coming to my birthday party."

Quote from George

Jerry: So you feel "women and children first", in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion.
George: To some degree.
Jerry: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves.
George: In a manner of speaking.
Jerry: Well, it's honest.
George: Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.
Jerry: Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently.
George: Perhaps.
Jerry: So, what was the fire? Just a couple of greasy hamburgers?
George: Yeah. Eric the clown put it out with his big shoe.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinkie toe.
George: That's unbelievable!
Kramer: Yeah. Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
George: You ran?
Kramer: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy. Step on it."
George: Holy cow!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. Then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinkie toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy." Knocked him out cold!
George: How could you do that?!
Kramer: Then everybody is screaming, because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm driving the bus.
George: You're Batman.
Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts choking me! So I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other, y ouknow? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door, you know, with my foot, you know, at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept making all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringing the bell!
George: Well, what about the toe? What happened to the toe?
Kramer: Well, I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line.
George: You did all this for a pinkie toe?
Kramer: Well, it's a valuable appendage.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Elaine, listen, tell me if you think this is funny. "Men definitely hit the remote more than women. Men don't care what's on TV, men only care what else is on TV. Women want to see what the show is before they change the channel, because men hunt and women nest."
Elaine: [uninterested] Yeah, it's funny, I dunno.
Jerry: You don't know? Come on, that's gold!
Elaine: Well, I don't know about "gold."
Jerry: Oh, that's gold, baby.
Elaine: "Baby"? What, are you doing George now?
Jerry: I was saying 'baby' way before George!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I should have let her have it. I held back because of Kramer.
George: You know what you ought to do. You should go to her office and heckle her.
Jerry: Yeah, right.
George: You know, like all the comedians always say, "How would you like it if I came to where you work and heckled you?"
Jerry: Yeah, that'd be something.
George: I'm not kidding, you should do it.
Jerry: But wouldn't that be the ultimate comedian's revenge? I've always had a fantasy about doing that.
George: Well, go ahead! Do it!
Jerry: Why can't I?
George: No reason!
Jerry: You know what? I think I'm gonna do that! She came down to where I work, I'll go down to where she works!
George: This is unprecedented!
Jerry: There's no precedent, baby!
George: What, are you using my "babies" now?

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: She got the promotion?
Elaine: Yep.
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: I'll tell you why. Because of her pinkie toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Jerry: Too bad.
Elaine: Sure, the pinkie toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for?
Jerry: Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee, wee, wee all the home.'
Elaine: Why don't you just shut the f-

Quote from Kramer

Toby: [exuberantly] These are great! Just great! Really great! Really, really great! Don't you think so, Elaine?
Elaine: [unimpressed] Yeah, really great.
Toby: A coffee table book about coffee tables! How did you come up with this idea?
Kramer: It was there!
Toby: Oh, look at this one! It's saying, "I'm a coffee table, put some coffee on me! Oh, the hotter the better, that's what I'm here for!" [laughs]
Elaine: You know, actually, I've got some work I gotta do, so...
Kramer: Hey, how about if the book came with these little fold-out legs, so the book itself becomes a coffee table?
Toby: Oh, that is a great idea! Really, really great!

Quote from George

Robin: Maybe a clown.
George: How about Bozo?
Kid: Who's Bozo?
George: Who's Bozo? Bozo the Clown. That's who Bozo is. When I was a kid, Bozo the Clown was the clown, bar none.
Robin: George...
George: With the orange hair, and the big clown shirt with the ruffles...
Robin: George...
George: And the TV show! He had cartoons!
Robin: George! Forget Bozo, George. Bozo's out. He's finished. It's over for Bozo.

Quote from George

George: You know, when I was a kid, we didn't have these elaborate birthday parties with catered food and entertainment. I remember my 7th birthday party...
[flashback to a young George in front of a birthday kid while Frank and Estelle scream:]
Frank Costanza: Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles, I said! Blow out the damn candles!
Elaine: Stop it, Frank! You're killing him!
[present:]
Robin: Well, this time, you can blow out the candles.
George: No, I have asthma.

Quote from George

George: [to the medic] It was an inferno in there! An inferno!
[Eric, Robin's mother and the kids rush towards the ambulance]
Elaine: There he is! There he is! [hits George with his big clown shoe]
Robin's mother: That's the coward that left us to die!

Quote from George

George: So she doesn't want to see me anymore.
Jerry: Did you knock her over too or just the kids?
George: No, her too. And her mother.
Jerry: Really? Her mother.
George: Yeah. I may have stepped on her arm, too. I don't know.
Jerry: You probably couldn't see because of the smoke.
George: Yeah. But it was somebody's arm.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, nice shoes. What, do you wear sandals to work? It's always nice to walk into a room and get the aroma of feet. That's real conducive to the work atmosphere. I'm sure your co-workers really appreciate it. "Hey, let's go eat in Toby's office. Great idea! We can check on her bunions!"
Toby: You know, I have work to do here. I'm very busy.
Jerry: Oh, is this disruptive? You find it hard to work with someone... interrupting?
Toby: Well, you know, how would you like it if I called security?
Jerry: Security? Well, I don't know how you're gonna make it in this business if you can't take it. You gotta be tough! Boo! Boo!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I was in a hotel the other day, and on the back of the door in the hotel they have the fire map. I'm flattered they think I have it together enough to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing directions. "Yeah, I'll go left by the stairs, right by the candy machine..." I'd probably get lost, have to go back to the room, check the map again. And they always tell you, no matter what, whatever you do in a hotel fire, do not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to live, I've never panicked in my whole life. It's my option. Even if they find you, you have a perfect excuse... "Gee, I heard they saved you swinging from the shower curtain naked with an ice bucket on your head. What happened there?" "Well, I panicked." "That's understandable."


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