[stand-up:]
Jerry: The thing about L.A. to me, that kind of threw me, was when they have these smog alerts out there and they actually recommend that people stay indoors during the smog alert. Now, maybe I'm way off... But don't you think, wouldn't you assume, that the air in the house pretty much comes from the air in the city where the house is? I mean what do they think, that we live in a jar with couple of holes punched in the top? What the hell is going on out there? It's very strange. I mean, you realize that it's now possible for parents to say to their children, "All right kids, I want you in the house and get some fresh air! Summer vacation, everybody indoors."

[stand-up:]
Jerry: There are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know, it's not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. That seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess they're people who wanted to be a sketch artists, but they couldn't draw too well. "Listen, Johnson, forget the sketches. Do you think if we left a dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?" I don't even know how that helps them to solve the crime? You know, they look at the thing on the ground. "Ah, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement. That means the killer must've been Jim."

George: Do you think she gets to take any of those little bars of soap home?
Jerry: No, I don't.
George: You would think that at the end of the week when they hand out the checks, throw in a few soaps.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe they should throw in a couple of lamps too.
George: I'll tell you something, if I owned a company, my employees would love me. They'd have huge pictures of me up on the walls and in their home, like Lenin.
Jerry: How much did you wound up tipping her?
George: Oh, my God, I forgot!
Jerry: That's why communism didn't work.

George: God, I'm starved, I'm weak with hunger.
Jerry: How can you think of food at the time like this?
George: A time like what? I'm hungry. My stomach doesn't know that Kramer's wanted.
Jerry: I told you to have breakfast. You should've had breakfast!
George: I couldn't have breakfast, it was lunchtime! The three hour time difference threw me. I wanted a tuna fish sandwich. They wouldn't serve me tuna fish sandwich because they were only serving breakfast.
Jerry: You should've had some eggs.
George: For lunch? Who eats eggs for lunch?
Jerry: Have you ever heard of egg salad?
George: Why didn't you say something then?
Jerry: I've gotta to tell you about existence of egg salad?
George: I need food, Jerry. I feel faint, I'm getting light headed.

Jerry: All right, I'll call 911. Do you think he did it? Could he have done it? He couldn't have done it. How could he have? Couldn't do it. Could he? [on the phone] Hello, 911? How are you? I'm sorry it was just a reflex. I know it's an emergency number. It is an emergency. My friend has been accused of being a smog strangler and I know he didn't do it. They're putting me trough to the detective in charge of the investigation.
George: Making terrific headway.
Jerry: What is my name? Who am I? I'm, uh... George Costanza.
George: What's the matter with you? Are you crazy? Why are you using my name?!
Jerry: Oh, don't be a baby! What are you scared of?
George: What am I scared of? I'm scared of the same thing that you are, everything! Why don't you just use your own name?
Jerry: Your name is a good name, Costanza. Sounds like it's stands for something, they'll believe us.

George: You know what I never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid it was always "waa, waa". You know, now it's "woo-woo-woo-woo-woo". Why did they do that? I mean, did they do some research? Did they find that woo-woo was more effective than waa?
Jerry: Yeah, what about those English sirens, you know? Eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...
Both: Eee-aaa-eee-aaa-eee-aaa...
Police Officer: Hey!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I can't believe that cops still have to read that whole, "You have the right to remain silent" speech to every criminal they arrest. I mean, is there anybody who doesn't know that by now? Can't they just go "Freeze, you're under arrest. You've ever seen a Baretta? Yeah, good, get in the car."

Kramer: [over phone in jail] Hey, how are you doing? Jerry! George!
Jerry: We're doing fine. How are you?
Kramer: What me? Fabulous, just fabulous. I've got a lot of auditions, a lot of call backs and I've got a lot of interest for my movie treatment. I'm in development, I'm developing vehicles. And there's a lot of energy here, man. You know, the vibe, it's powerful. I'm just swept up in it. Yeah, I'm a player.
George: A player?
Kramer: Oh, yeah, I'm a player.
Jerry: Kramer, do you realize what's going on here? Do you know why you're here?
Kramer: What? What this? I'll be out of here in couple of hours. Hey, guess who I met today? Fred Savage. Oh nice kid, really good kid. You know, we're talking about doing a project together.
Jerry: Kramer, you've been arrested as a serial killer!
Kramer: So? I'm innocent! I mean you guys believe that I'm innocent, don't you? Jerry? George?
Jerry: Well, yeah. Sure.

Kramer: I didn't kill anyone, I swear! I swear to God!
Lt. Martel: Don't you ever swear to my God, Kramer. My God is the god who protects the innocent and punishes the evil scum like you. Have you got that?
Kramer: You're making a big mistake.
Lt. Martel: No! You have made the mistake, Kramer. Sickies like you always do. The only difference is that this time you're gonna pay.
Kramer: What?
Lt. Martel: Now, you might beat the gas chamber Kramer, but as long as I have got a breath in my body you will never ever see the light of day again.
Kramer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You've got the wrong man! It wasn't me!
Lt. Martel: Oh yeah, right. Maybe it was one of your other personalities huh, the wise guy, the little kid, the bellhop, the ball player, maybe the door to door vacuum cleaner salesman, but not you right? No, you wouldn't hurt a fly. You just couldn't help yourself, could you Kramer? You saw life brimming brightly with optimism and verve and you just had to snuff it out.
Kramer: Okay, can I just talk to somebody? Can I just explain...
Lt. Martel: I'm not interested in your explanations, Kramer! Sure, I bet you've got a million of 'em. Maybe your mother didn't love you enough. Maybe the teacher didn't call on you in school when you had your little hand raise. Maybe the pervert in the park had a present in his pants, huh? Well, I've got another theory, Kramer, you're a weed.
Kramer: No...
Lt. Martel: Society is filled with them. They're choking the life out of the all pretty flowers. [Kramer sobs] You see something even remotely pretty and you have to choke the life out if it, don't you Kramer? [Kramer cries] You killed all the pretty flowers, didn't you Kramer? You killed the pretty little flowers, didn't you? You dirty, filthy, stinky weed! Didn't you?
Officer: [answers phone] Lieutenant, it's for you.
Lt. Martel: [takes phone] Martel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Officer: What it is, Lieutenant?
Lt. Martel: Let him go.
Officer: What, but Lieutenant?
Lt. Martel: You heard me, let him go. They just found another body at the Laurel Canyon. Go on Kramer, get out of my sight.
Kramer: Hey, how did you know about the guy in the park?
Lt. Martel: I said beat it!

Jerry: So Kramer, what are you going to do?
Kramer: Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it.
George: Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?
Kramer: Well, what do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic on the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, the starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say?
George: I'd like to hear that.
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl...
Jerry: Kramer, she was murdered!
Kramer: Yeah, well, you know, I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.
George: As a suspect in a serial killing.
Kramer: Okay. Yeah, all right. You guys got to put a negative spin on everything.