[stand-up:]
Jerry: When I was a kid, my favorite ride was the bumper car ride. Remember that ride? You'd go around in a circle. There was always one kid on the bumper cars who could not do it. Do you remember this kid? As soon as the ride got started, he'd be, like, stuck in a pack of empty cars. Just... [mimics waving, honking horn] "Excuse me! Excuse me! It won't go! Come on! It's almost over." He always ends up with the attendant hanging off that big pole helping him steer it, you know. "Stop crying. [scoffs]" And then there's always that other one bad car, the helpless father-and-son team. This another car just not going anywhere. They're never organized. Who's on the wheel? Who's pressing on the gas? They're just... [spins around] "Son, turn the wheel."

Elaine: [inner monologue] Oh, this is great. This is what I need, just what I need. Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the track, we're stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so many people? This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I feel something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people should be in a cage. We are in a cage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the ring. What will they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh, I can't breath, I feel faint. Okay, take it easy. It will start moving soon. Think about the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. And hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that. This is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare! Help me! Move it! Come on, move this [bleep] thing! Why isn't it moving?!? What can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic! How can a train get stuck?. Step on the gas! What could it be? You'd think the conductor would explain it to us? "I'm sorry there's a delay we'll be moving in 5 minutes." I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my leg?!

Kramer: All right, Coney Island? Okay, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
Kramer: Well, yeah...
Elaine: Okay.

Elaine: All right, I'm gonna go.
Jerry: What time is the lesbian wedding?
Elaine: 9:30.
George: Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom on that? What, do they flip a coin?
Elaine: Yeah, they flip a coin.
George: What, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question.
Jerry: I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train. [yawns]
George: I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking: "That's why I'm not heterosexual".

George: How many tickets are you paying today?
Kramer: Well, let's see: speeding, running a red light, no license, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror. Look at that one.
George: No doors?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm fighting that one. You know, this is gonna cost me over six hundred bucks.

Jerry: So what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on me.
George: What are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second interview with them.
Jerry: All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?
Elaine: I can't. I'm the best man.
Jerry: Kramer, bumper-cars?
Kramer: I've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with you?
Jerry: Could be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to rides alone.

George: Oh, no, no, no. I was just looking for stock-pages. Here it is. Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. Oh, IBM up a quarter.
Woman: You didn't look like someone who needed a job.
George: Me? No, no, I don't. I don't. Doing very well. Very well, yep.
Woman: So, you're in the market?
George: Yeah I'm, uh, in the market.
Woman: Which market?
George: Which market? The, uh, big one. The big market. The big board. Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.
Woman: So, do you work for one of those big brokerage-houses?
George: They wish. I hate the big brokerage-houses. Hate them with a passion. Big brokerage-houses killed my father.
Woman: Really?
George: Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings. It's a long story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore there and then that I would never work for big brokerage-houses. See, all they care about is money. I'm about more than money. I'm about... people. So I've always gone my own way and I've never looked back.
[train horn blows, George looks back, chuckles]

Woman: Where are you off to, with such a nice present, birthday party?
Elaine: A wedding.
Woman: A wedding?
Elaine: Yeah.
Woman: Ha, I didn't know people still get married. It's hard today with men and women.
Elaine: You're telling me.
Woman: So, are they a nice couple?
Elaine: Oh, very nice.
Woman: What does he do, if you don't mind me asking?
Elaine: She.
Woman: She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds like my son.
Elaine: There is no he.
Woman: There is no he. So, who's getting married?
Elaine: Um... Two women. It's... a lesbian wedding.
Woman: Lesbian wedding?
Elaine: Aha, yep. I'm the... um... bes tman.
Woman: [to the man next to her] My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the subway for 35 years, I get the best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves)
Elaine: No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!

Elaine: What time is your job interview George?
George: 9:45
Jerry: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
George: Why not?
Jerry: That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in Death of a Salesman.
George: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging. The biggest loser in history of American literature.

Kramer: Jerry, come on let's go. Pick up the check so we can go.
Jerry: Oh, I'm paying for breakfast?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Why do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of deadbeats.