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‘The Subway’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Subway

313. The Subway

Aired January 8, 1992

Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer get into trouble when they all take trips on the subway.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: When I was a kid, my favorite ride was the bumper car ride. Remember that ride? You'd go around in a circle. There was always one kid on the bumper cars who could not do it. Do you remember this kid? As soon as the ride got started, he'd be, like, stuck in a pack of empty cars. Just... [mimics waving, honking horn] "Excuse me! Excuse me! It won't go! Come on! It's almost over." He always ends up with the attendant hanging off that big pole helping him steer it, you know. "Stop crying. [scoffs]" And then there's always that other one bad car, the helpless father-and-son team. This another car just not going anywhere. They're never organized. Who's on the wheel? Who's pressing on the gas? They're just... [spins around] "Son, turn the wheel."

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Quote from Elaine

Elaine: [inner monologue] Oh, this is great. This is what I need, just what I need. Ok, take it easy I'm sure it's nothing. Probably rats on the track, we're stopping for rats. God, it's so crowded. How can there be so many people? This guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? What is so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. What's that? I feel something rubbing against me. Disgusting animals, these people should be in a cage. We are in a cage. What if I miss the wedding? I got the ring. What will they do? You can't get married without the ring. Oh, I can't breath, I feel faint. Okay, take it easy. It will start moving soon. Think about the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. And hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? Think about that. This is nothing. No, it's not nothing, it's something. It's a nightmare! Help me! Move it! Come on, move this [bleep] thing! Why isn't it moving?!? What can go wrong with a train!?! It's on tracks, there's no traffic! How can a train get stuck?. Step on the gas! What could it be? You'd think the conductor would explain it to us? "I'm sorry there's a delay we'll be moving in 5 minutes." I wanna hear a voice. What's that on my leg?!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: All right, Coney Island? Okay, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
Kramer: Well, yeah...
Elaine: Okay.

Quote from George

Elaine: All right, I'm gonna go.
Jerry: What time is the lesbian wedding?
Elaine: 9:30.
George: Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom on that? What, do they flip a coin?
Elaine: Yeah, they flip a coin.
George: What, was that not politically correct? It's a legitimate question.
Jerry: I'm so tired. I'll fall asleep on that train. [yawns]
George: I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking: "That's why I'm not heterosexual".

Quote from Kramer

George: How many tickets are you paying today?
Kramer: Well, let's see: speeding, running a red light, no license, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror. Look at that one.
George: No doors?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm fighting that one. You know, this is gonna cost me over six hundred bucks.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So what do you say? Run in the cyclone. Hotdogs on Nathan's is on me.
George: What are you? Satan? I'm close to a job here. It's my second interview with them.
Jerry: All right, biff. Elaine, merry-go-round?
Elaine: I can't. I'm the best man.
Jerry: Kramer, bumper-cars?
Kramer: I've gotta go to court, I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with you?
Jerry: Could be years before I get back to Coney Island. I can't go to rides alone.

Quote from George

George: Oh, no, no, no. I was just looking for stock-pages. Here it is. Looking for the quotes. Gotta check to quotes. Love a good quote. Oh, IBM up a quarter.
Woman: You didn't look like someone who needed a job.
George: Me? No, no, I don't. I don't. Doing very well. Very well, yep.
Woman: So, you're in the market?
George: Yeah I'm, uh, in the market.
Woman: Which market?
George: Which market? The, uh, big one. The big market. The big board. Bull market, bear market, you name the market, I'm there.
Woman: So, do you work for one of those big brokerage-houses?
George: They wish. I hate the big brokerage-houses. Hate them with a passion. Big brokerage-houses killed my father.
Woman: Really?
George: Well, they hurt him bad. Really hurt his feelings. It's a long story. I- I don't like to talk about it, but I swore there and then that I would never work for big brokerage-houses. See, all they care about is money. I'm about more than money. I'm about... people. So I've always gone my own way and I've never looked back.
[train horn blows, George looks back, chuckles]

Quote from Elaine

Woman: Where are you off to, with such a nice present, birthday party?
Elaine: A wedding.
Woman: A wedding?
Elaine: Yeah.
Woman: Ha, I didn't know people still get married. It's hard today with men and women.
Elaine: You're telling me.
Woman: So, are they a nice couple?
Elaine: Oh, very nice.
Woman: What does he do, if you don't mind me asking?
Elaine: She.
Woman: She? She works, he doesn't. He sounds like my son.
Elaine: There is no he.
Woman: There is no he. So, who's getting married?
Elaine: Um... Two women. It's... a lesbian wedding.
Woman: Lesbian wedding?
Elaine: Aha, yep. I'm the... um... bes tman.
Woman: [to the man next to her] My luck. I don't talk to a soul in the subway for 35 years, I get the best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves)
Elaine: No, no, no, you don't understand! I'm not a lesbian! I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!

Quote from George

Elaine: What time is your job interview George?
George: 9:45
Jerry: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
George: Why not?
Jerry: That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in Death of a Salesman.
George: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging. The biggest loser in history of American literature.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: Jerry, come on let's go. Pick up the check so we can go.
Jerry: Oh, I'm paying for breakfast?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: Yeah.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Why do I always pay? What am I made of money? You bunch of deadbeats.

Quote from George

[A blind violinist approaches Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer on the subway]
George: I can't carry any changes in these pants, it falls out.
Violin player: Thank you.
George: That guy is not blind.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So, can I convince anybody to come down to Coney Island with me? I got to pick up my car at the pound. George?
George: I can't believe they actually found your stolen car.
Jerry: Not only did they find it. It was simonized and the front end was aligned.
George: That's amazing.

Quote from Elaine

Woman: I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days, a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.
Elaine: It's ironic.
Women: What's ironic?
Elaine: This. That we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties.
Woman: No, I mean what does 'ironic' mean?
Elaine: Oh.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You realize of course, you're naked?
Man: Naked, dressed. I don't see any difference.
Jerry: You ought to sit here. There is a difference.
Man: You got something against the naked body?
Jerry: I got something against yours. How about a couple of deep knee bends? Maybe some squat thrusts?
Man: Who's got time for squat thrusts?
Jerry: All right, how about skipping breakfast. I'm guessing you're not a 'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy.
Man: I like a good breakfast.
Jerry: I understand, I like good breakfast. Long as you don't wind up trapped in a room with bib overalls and pigtails, been counseled by Dick Gregory.
Man: I'm not ashamed of my body.
Jerry: Exactly. That's your problem. You should be. [the man drops half his newspaper] Don't get up, please, allow me.

Quote from George

George: [inner monologue] Make myself comfortable. What does that mean? Does she want me to take my clothes off? Is she taking her clothes off? What if I take my clothes off and she still has hers' on? Then I'd really look like an idiot. She could get offended and leave. So maybe I should leave them on, but what then if she takes her off? Then she'll feel humiliated. "Make yourself comfortable." I got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing could ruin me. I got it! I'll take my shoes off and sit on the bed. There, that's comfortable. She can't accuse me of being uncomfortable.
[The woman comes out of the bathroom wearing a nightie]
George: Gotta tell you I'm pretty comfortable.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on it.
Man: The bug boy?
Kramer: Yeah, the little fella's been riding his heart out. They're gonna break his maiden.
Man: Really? But, it's a little bit slow out there. It rained last night.
Kramer: Oh, this baby loves the slop. Loves it, eats it up. Eats the slob. Born in the slob. His father was a mudder.
Man: His father was a mudder?
Kramer: His mother was a mudder.
Man: His mother was a mudda'?
Kramer: What did I just say?

Quote from Jerry

Man: They still have no pitching. Goodin's a question mark. You don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast.
Jerry: I'm not worried about their best pitching. They got pitching. They got no hitting.
Man: No hitting? They got hitting! Bonilla, Murry. They got no defence.
Jerry: Defense? Please. ... They need speed.
Man: Speed? They got Coleman. They need a bullpen.
Jerry: Franco's no good? They got no team leaders.
Man: They got Franco! What they need is a front office.
Jerry: But you gotta like their chances.
Man: I love their chances.
Jerry: Tell you what. If they win the pennant this year, I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.
Man: It's a deal!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: [inner monologue] Gee, why couldn't I take a cab? For 6 dollars my whole life could've changed. What is that on my leg? I'll never get out of here. What if I'm here for the rest of my life? Maybe I'll get out in 5 seconds. 1 banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana... No, I'm still here! Still here! When will they start moving? Move! Move! Move! [train starts moving, lights come on] It's moving! It's moving! Yes! Yes! [train stops again and lights go off] Mother[bleep]!

Quote from George

George: Gee, I hope you have the key for these things.
Woman: Oh, don't worry. I do. [goes to bathroom]
George: You know, my mother used to walk around on our apartment just in her bra and panties. She didn't look anything like you, she was really disgusting, really bad body. If you could imagine uglier and fatter version of Shirley Booth. Remember Shirley Booth in Hazel? Really embarrassing, cause you know I had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse looking than Hazel. Imagine the taunts I would hear.
Woman: [o.s.] Like what?
George: Like a "Hey, your mother is uglier than Hazel." Or "Hazel really puts your mother to shame."

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: No, I never got the car. We were having such a good time, by the time I got to the police garage, it was closed.
Elaine: Too bad.
Jerry: You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's. Look at what we won! [holds a stuffed monkey] You want him?
Elaine: Get that out of my face.
Jerry: So, you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris!

Quote from George

[George enters Monk's cafe wearing a bed sheet]
Man at the Counter: Hare Krishna! Hare Krishna!
George: How would you like a Hare Krishna fist on your throat, you little punk?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: So I take the subway down to Coney Island, to go on the Cyclone. I'm riding on the subway. I'm sitting on the D train for an hour and 15 minutes to go on a scary ride, okay? How dumb is that? You know that sharp drop on the Cyclone? Fell asleep.

Quote from George

George: What's going on?
Woman: It was a pleasure doing business with you George, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to get going.
George: Get going? But we haven't really, you know...
Woman: Eight dollars? Eight dollars?
George: What are you doing? You're robbing me?
Women: I wasted my whole morning on you for eight dollars?
George: Wait. Wait a second. What are you doing?
Woman: I'm taking your clothes.
George: No, that's my only suit. It cost me 350 dollars. I got it at Moe Ginsburg.
Woman: Bye, George.
George: No wait, you can't just leave me here! Will I see you again?


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