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‘The Pitch/The Ticket’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Pitch/The Ticket

403. The Pitch/The Ticket

Aired September 16, 1992

Jerry and George decide to pitch a "show about nothing" to NBC. Meanwhile, Newman blames Kramer for a speeding ticket.

Quote from Jerry

Male Voice: [on the phone] Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Male Voice: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Male Voice: No.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel. [hangs up]

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Quote from George

George: See, this should be a show. This is the show.
Jerry: What?
George: This. Just talking.
Jerry: [dismissive] Yeah, right.
George: I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea.
Jerry: Just talking? Well what's the show about?
George: It's about nothing.
Jerry: No story?
George: No, forget the story.
Jerry: You've got to have a story.
George: Who says you gotta have a story? Remember when we were waiting for, for that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could be a TV show.

Quote from George

George: They wanna have another meeting? They wanna buy it? They wanna buy it? Oh, I tell you, we're gonna be rich! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?
Jerry: I don't know about sixty.
George: Oh, it's gotta be fifty. [giddy laugh] You know how much Ted Danson makes, huh?
Jerry: Ted Danson. Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson?
George: I didn't say we're Ted Danson.
Jerry: Yes, you did. You said we're Ted Danson!
George: Oh!
Jerry: You know, I think he wears a piece.
George: Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: There are many things I think you can point to as proof that the humans are not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we had to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing these activities, but to instead come up with some device that would help us continue enjoying our head-cracking lifestyles. The helmet. Even that didn't work, because not enough people were wearing them, so we had to come up with the helmet law. Which is even stupider because the idea behind the helmet law is to preserve a brain whose judgment is so poor it does not even try to stop the cracking of the head it's in.

Quote from George

Jerry: So everybody I know is a character on the show.
George: Right.
Jerry: And it's about nothing?
George: Absolutely nothing.
Jerry: So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and tell them I got this idea for a show about nothing.
George: We go into NBC.
Jerry: "We"? Since when are you a writer?
George: What writer. We're talking about a sitcom.
Jerry: You want to go with me to NBC?
George: Yeah. I think we really go something here.

Quote from George

Jerry: What do we got?
George: An idea.
Jerry: What idea?
George: An idea for the show.
Jerry: I still don't know what the idea is.
George: It's about nothing.
Jerry: Right.
George: Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing.
Jerry: So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've got an idea for a show about nothing.
George: Exactly.
Jerry: They say, "What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing."
George: There you go.
Jerry: I think you may have something there.

Quote from George

George: Story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story. Otherwise, it's just masturbation. [George is the only one to laugh]

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Many states in the country now have traffic school when you have an infraction. I went to traffic school. I didn't mind it. I kind of felt bad for the traffic school instructor. This guy goes to traffic school every day, no matter how he drives. What is his incentive to not speed? He's going to traffic school anyway. Why not get a race car, do 200 miles an hour down the street? Cop stops you, "Where are you going?" "Traffic school." "Go ahead. And you better hurry, you really need it." Maybe the punishment should be, instead of traffic school or traffic court, just traffic. They sentence you to 100 hours of traffic. They assign, like, five people to drive all around you at five miles an hour wherever you go. You're on your way to Vegas, there isn't a car in sight. "Come on, move it."

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: So, the show would be about my real life. And one of the characters would be based on you.
Kramer: No, I don't think so.
Jerry: What do you mean you don't think so?
Kramer: I don't like it.
Jerry: I don't understand. What don't you like about it?
Kramer: I don't like the idea of a character based on me.
Jerry: Why not?
Kramer: Well, it just doesn't sit well.
Jerry: You're my neighbor. There's got to be a character based on you.
Kramer: That's your problem, buddy.
Jerry: I don't understand what the big deal is.
Kramer: Okay, I'll tell you what. You can do it on one condition.
Jerry: Whatever you want.
Kramer: I get to play Kramer.
Jerry: You can't play Kramer.
Kramer: I am Kramer.
Jerry: But you can't act.
Kramer: [blows air]

Quote from Newman

Newman: Well, you'll never guess what happened to me today. I was, uh, driving home on the palisades parkway when I looked in the rear view mirror and what did I see? The fuzz. And it's funny because my new radar detector was on, but I didn't hear a thing. Isn't that strange?
Kramer: Yeah. That's strange.
Newman: A radar detector, as I understand it, detects radar. With a series of beeps and flashing lights. But oddly, for some reason I didn't hear a thing except for the sound of a police siren.
Kramer: That's queer uh?
Newman: I want my helmet back! You give me back my helmet, and you're gonna pay for that ticket!
Kramer: Oh, yeah? You better think again, Mojumbo.

Quote from George

Russell: So, what have you two come up with?
Jerry: Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is I will play myself-
George: [interrupting] May I?
Jerry: Go ahead.
George: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.
Russell: Nothing?
George: Nothing.
Russell: What does that mean?
George: The show is about nothing.
Jerry: Well, it's not about nothing.
George: No, it's about nothing.
Jerry: Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something.

Quote from George

Russell: No stories? So, what is it?
George: What did you do today?
Russell: I got up and came to work.
George: There's a show. That's a show.
Russell: How is that a show?
Jerry: Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work.
George: No, no, no. Nothing happens.
Jerry: Well, something happens.
Russell: Well, why am I watching it?
George: Because it's on TV.
Russell: Not yet.
George: Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it. [to Jerry] Right?
Jerry: [to Russell, after a moment] How about this, I manage a circus..

Quote from Newman

Newman: What's the matter with you? I just talked to you fifteen minutes ago.
Kramer: What about?
Newman: The courthouse. You gotta go with me to the courthouse. I'm contesting the ticket today.
Kramer: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.
Newman: You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're my alibi. You have to take the stand.
Kramer: Well, I can't!
Newman: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! Can you even begin to comprehend what that means?

Quote from George

George: That's insulting. Ted Danson makes $800,000 an episode.
Jerry: Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?
George: Well, he does.
Jerry: You're nuts!
George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?
Jerry: He's somebody.
George: What about me?
Jerry: You're nobody.
George: Why him? Why not me?
Jerry: He's good. You're not.
George: I'm better than him.
Jerry: You're worse. Much, much worse.

Quote from George

George: What'd they do for toilet paper during the civil war?
Jerry: What?
George: I wonder what toilet paper was like in the 1860s. Did they-? Did they carry it in rolls in their duffel bags?
Jerry: Every thing with you comes down to toilet paper.
George: What?
Jerry: That's always the first question with you. Why is that always your focus?
George: All right. Then what did they do?
Jerry: I don't know. Maybe they gave out big loose clumps to all the soldiers.
George: Well, I think it would be nice if there was some sort of historical record of it.
Jerry: Maybe they should have a toilet-paper museum. Would you like that? So we could see all the toilet-paper advancements down through the ages. Toilet paper during the Crusades. The development of the perforation. The first six-pack.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Parents like to drag kids to these historical sights on vacation. I remember going to Colonial Williamsburg and you see the supposedly authentic blacksmith there. You know, he's got the three-cornered hat, and the knickers, and the Def Leppard t-shirt. My parents took me to the Amish country, which, you know, to a kid, you see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TVs, no phones, they go "So what? Neither do I." So it's a whole community that's been grounded. So that's the way they should punish the kid after they get home, "All right, kid, get up to your room. You are Amish, young man. For the rest of the weekend, Amish. Don't come down till you make some noodles and raise a barn."

Quote from George

George: They want you to do a TV show?
Jerry: Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I mean, I don't have any ideas.
George: Come on. How hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV. You want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach a gymnastics team in high school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in gymnastics, and you're pushing him into gymnastics.
Jerry: Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics?
George: Because you're a gymnastics teacher. It's only natural.
Jerry: But gymnastics is not for everybody.
George: I know, but he's your son.
Jerry: So what?
George: All right, forget that idea. It's not for you.

Quote from George

George: Okay, okay, I got it. You run an antique store.
Jerry: Yeah. And...?
George: And people come in the store and you get involved in their lives.
Jerry: What person who runs an antique store gets involved in people's lives?
George: Why not?
Jerry: So someone comes in to buy an old lamp and all of a sudden I'm getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist. Because a pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in.
George: I know, but antiques are very popular right now.
Jerry: No, they're not, they used to be.
George: Oh, sure, like you know.
Jerry: Oh, like you do.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: ...and you're the manager of the circus.
Jerry: A circus?
Kramer: Come on, this is a great idea. Look at the characters. You've got all these freaks on the show. A woman with a mustache? I mean, who wouldn't tune in to see a women with a mustache? You've got the tallest man in the world. A guy who's just a head.
Jerry: I don't think so.
Kramer: Look, Jerry, the show isn't about the circus, it's about watching freaks.
Jerry: I don't think the network will go for it.
Kramer: Why not?
Jerry: Look, I'm not pitching a show about freaks.
Kramer: Oh, come on, Jerry, you're wrong. People they want to watch freaks. This is a can't miss.

Quote from George

Jerry: And who is on the show? Who are the characters?
George: I could be a character.
Jerry: You?
George: Yeah. You could base a character on me.
Jerry: So, on the show, there's a character named George Costanza?
George: Yeah. What, there's something wrong with that? I'm a character. People are always saying to me, "You know, you're a quite a character."
Jerry: And who else is on the show?
George: Elaine could be a character. Kramer...
Jerry: Now, he's a character.

Quote from George

Jerry: Don't worry about it. They're just TV executives.
George: They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married, they have secretaries.
Jerry: I told you not to come.
George: I need some water. I gotta get some water.
Jerry: They'll give us water in there.
George: Really? That's pretty good.

Quote from George

Stu: The bit, the bit I really liked what were the parakeet flew into the mirror. Now that's funny.
George: [claps] The parakeet in the mirror. That's a good one, Stu.
Jerry: Yeah, it's one of my favorites.
Russell: What about you, George? Have you written anything we might know?
George: ... Well, possibly. I, uh... I wrote an off-Broadway show, "La Cocina". Actually, it was off-off-Broadway. It was a... [laughs] comedy about a Mexican chef.
Jerry: Oh, it was very funny. There was one great scene with the chef. Uh, what was his name?
George: Pepe.
Jerry: Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was making tamales.
Susan Ross: Oh, he actually cooked on the stage?
George: No, no, he mimed it. That's what was so funny about it.

Quote from George

Susan Ross: What's the premise?
Jerry: Well, as I was saying, I would play myself, as a comedian, living in New York. I have a friend, a neighbor, and an ex-girlfriend, which is all true.
George: Yeah, but nothing happens on the show. You see, it's just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read. You eat, you read, you go shopping.
Russell: You read? You read on the show?
Jerry: Well, I don't know about the reading. We didn't discuss the reading.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [to George] I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You're not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn't even help you. You need to go to, like, Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That's the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences. Observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That's what I'm talking about. Because that's the only way you're going to get better.

Quote from Jerry

George: I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. Should have seen it coming. I didn't see it coming.
Jerry: I think she saw it coming.
George: You know, she was behind the idea. She was going to champion the show. That's what I was bring her up there to tell you. And she liked me.
Jerry: Look, just because Kramer vomited on her doesn't mean the deal is dead.
George: What, are you crazy? It's a traumatic thing to be thrown up on.
Jerry: Vomiting is not a deal breaker. If Hitler had vomited on Chamberlain, Chamberlain still would have given him Czechoslovakia.
George: Chamberlain, you could hold his head in the toilet, he'd still give you half of Europe.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: When you vomit on someone, it is a social faux pas from which there is really no recovery. At that point, there's really very little you can say to the person. There's no Hallmark cards that cover this occasion. There's no vomit sympathy-card section of the store, you know. "You wear it well." You know, there's no words which really capture. "Next time lunch is on me." There's no, really, way to phrase the sentiment.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Yo-Yo Ma!
Jerry: What? Yo-Yo Ma?
Kramer: What about him?
Jerry: You just said 'Yo-Yo Ma'.
George: What's Yo-Yo Ma?
Jerry: He's a cellist. [to Kramer] You should see a doctor today.

Quote from Kramer

[After Jerry's phone rings, Kramer picks it up and answers in Italian.]
Jerry: What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What are you doing? Give me that phone! Go to your apartment and lie down. I'll make an appointment for a doctor today. [on the phone] Hello? Oh, hi. I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know, we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab.
George: All right, we'll be a little late. I'm not taking a cab.
Jerry: I'll pay for it.
George: It's not the money.
Jerry: Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The speed? The convenience?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Did you see the look on my uncle's face? Did you see how insulted he was? What could I do? What are we supposed to do? You can't leave. There's no excuse good enough to justify walking away from a conversation with one of my relatives.
George: I didn't shave this morning. I don't feel like myself.
Jerry: You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives, "I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running." He'll go, "Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do."

Quote from Kramer

Newman: Okay, you all set? You got your story?
Kramer: No.
Newman: When the cop stopped me, I told him that I was rushing home because my friend was about to commit suicide.
Kramer: Uh...
Newman: Now, you're that friend. Now, all we need is a reason why you were going to commit suicide. [pause]
Kramer: I never had an air conditioner.
Newman: No, that's no reason to kill yourself!
Kramer: Why? It gets hot at night, you can't sleep. You ever tried to sleep in a really hot room?
Newman: Every night I sleep in a really hot room, I don't want to kill myself.
Kramer: Well, I've slept in really hot rooms and I wanted to kill myself.

Quote from Newman

Police Officer: Well, I informed him that he was exceeding the speed limit and, uh, that's when he told me that he was racing home because his friend was about to commit suicide.
Judge: And then what happened?
Police Officer: Well, then he became very loud and hysterical. He was flailing his arms about as he told the story. And then he threw himself on the ground, and he grabbed me around the legs, and then he begged me to let him go. And when I refused, that's when he began to scream, "My friend's going to die. My friend's going to die."

Quote from George

Russell: Look. I don't know how you two guys feel, but we would really like to be in business with you.
George: Well, we would like to be in business. Let's do business. We'll have some business. Let's have business.
Jerry: We would love to be in business. We'll do business. We're in business. It's... It's business. This is business.
George: Yeah!
Stu: Would it be possible to get a-a-a copy of 'La Cocina'?
Jerry: Your off-Broadway play.
George: Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my files, pfft, disappeared. Now, I-I don't know if they fell off the truck or if there was some sort of foul play, but let me tell you something, I'm not through with that moving company.
Jerry: Hmm, hmm.
George: That's my vow to you.

Quote from Newman

Newman: I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday. I do charity work with the blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker.
Judge: I don't understand.
Newman: You see, it had been his lifelong dream to be a banker. And he uh, just the day before, he was turned down by another bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. That was the third bank in two weeks to turn him down, so I was a little concerned. I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible. But I distinctly recall him say...
Kramer: [involuntarily] Yo-Yo Ma!
Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding, but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.
Judge: So then he didn't kill himself?
Newman: No, sir, he did not. But only by the grace of God. He's in the courtroom today, [stands up, points to Kramer], sitting right over there. And he can corroborate my entire testimony.

Quote from Newman

Kramer: I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker.
Newman: And that failure to become a banker was eating at you. Eating- Eating- Eating at you inside.
Kramer: Uh, yeah.
Newman: It was your family that pushed you into banking, it was their dream for you...
Judge: Mr. Newman.
Newman: Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish Mr. Kramer's fragile emotional state, my entire case depends on it.
Judge: Uh, continue.

Quote from Newman

Newman: As you were saying, Mr. Kramer...
Kramer: What was the question?
Newman: You're telling how your parents pushed you into banking.
Kramer: Uh, well, my father when I was a kid, he took me to the bank and he lifted me up and he pointed to the teller and he said: 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him, that's gonna be you some day.'
Newman: But you never became a banker, did you Mr. Kramer? Why? Why did you fail?
Kramer: I don't know.
Newman: It was because you hated your father and you would do anything to displease him. Isn't that true?
Judge: Uh, could you get to the speeding?
Newman: Yes, yes. I intend to Your Honor.

Quote from Newman

Newman: And then, on the afternoon of September 10th, you received a phone call did you not?
Kramer: Phone call?
Newman: Yes, a phone call!
Kramer: From who?
Newman: From me!
Kramer: From you?
Newman: Yes, from me! I called you remember?
Kramer: You called me?
Newman: Yes, I called you, you idiot! Because you were going to... You were going to... Remember?
Kramer: What?
Newman: You were going to... [mimics hanging himself] You were going to do something! [mimics stabbing himself in stomach and jerking the knife around] to yourself! You were going to do something to yourself! Remember the banking? The banking, about the banking, about the banking!

Quote from Newman

Judge: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a-
Newman: Yes, the banker!
Kramer: What banking?
Newman: A banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your Honor, Your Honor...
Judge: That's enough, Mr-
Newman: Your Honor, Mr. Kramer's obviously very distraught.
Kramer: I'm distraught!?!
Newman: You shut up! [to Judge] I demand a recess so I can take him outside and help him regain his composure.
Judge: That'll be $75.
Newman: [strangling Kramer] What's the matter with you? We had it all worked out!


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