Male Voice: [on the phone] Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Male Voice: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Male Voice: No.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel. [hangs up]

George: See, this should be a show. This is the show.
Jerry: What?
George: This. Just talking.
Jerry: [dismissive] Yeah, right.
George: I'm really serious. I think that's a good idea.
Jerry: Just talking? Well what's the show about?
George: It's about nothing.
Jerry: No story?
George: No, forget the story.
Jerry: You've got to have a story.
George: Who says you gotta have a story? Remember when we were waiting for, for that table in that Chinese restaurant that time? That could be a TV show.

George: They wanna have another meeting? They wanna buy it? They wanna buy it? Oh, I tell you, we're gonna be rich! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand?
Jerry: I don't know about sixty.
George: Oh, it's gotta be fifty. [giddy laugh] You know how much Ted Danson makes, huh?
Jerry: Ted Danson. Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson?
George: I didn't say we're Ted Danson.
Jerry: Yes, you did. You said we're Ted Danson!
George: Oh!
Jerry: You know, I think he wears a piece.
George: Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: There are many things I think you can point to as proof that the humans are not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we had to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing these activities, but to instead come up with some device that would help us continue enjoying our head-cracking lifestyles. The helmet. Even that didn't work, because not enough people were wearing them, so we had to come up with the helmet law. Which is even stupider because the idea behind the helmet law is to preserve a brain whose judgment is so poor it does not even try to stop the cracking of the head it's in.

Jerry: So everybody I know is a character on the show.
George: Right.
Jerry: And it's about nothing?
George: Absolutely nothing.
Jerry: So you're saying, I go in to NBC, and tell them I got this idea for a show about nothing.
George: We go into NBC.
Jerry: "We"? Since when are you a writer?
George: What writer. We're talking about a sitcom.
Jerry: You want to go with me to NBC?
George: Yeah. I think we really go something here.

Jerry: What do we got?
George: An idea.
Jerry: What idea?
George: An idea for the show.
Jerry: I still don't know what the idea is.
George: It's about nothing.
Jerry: Right.
George: Everybody's doing something, we'll do nothing.
Jerry: So, we go into NBC, we tell them we've got an idea for a show about nothing.
George: Exactly.
Jerry: They say, "What's your show about?" I say, "Nothing."
George: There you go.
Jerry: I think you may have something there.

George: Story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story. Otherwise, it's just masturbation. [George is the only one to laugh]

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Many states in the country now have traffic school when you have an infraction. I went to traffic school. I didn't mind it. I kind of felt bad for the traffic school instructor. This guy goes to traffic school every day, no matter how he drives. What is his incentive to not speed? He's going to traffic school anyway. Why not get a race car, do 200 miles an hour down the street? Cop stops you, "Where are you going?" "Traffic school." "Go ahead. And you better hurry, you really need it." Maybe the punishment should be, instead of traffic school or traffic court, just traffic. They sentence you to 100 hours of traffic. They assign, like, five people to drive all around you at five miles an hour wherever you go. You're on your way to Vegas, there isn't a car in sight. "Come on, move it."

Jerry: So, the show would be about my real life. And one of the characters would be based on you.
Kramer: No, I don't think so.
Jerry: What do you mean you don't think so?
Kramer: I don't like it.
Jerry: I don't understand. What don't you like about it?
Kramer: I don't like the idea of a character based on me.
Jerry: Why not?
Kramer: Well, it just doesn't sit well.
Jerry: You're my neighbor. There's got to be a character based on you.
Kramer: That's your problem, buddy.
Jerry: I don't understand what the big deal is.
Kramer: Okay, I'll tell you what. You can do it on one condition.
Jerry: Whatever you want.
Kramer: I get to play Kramer.
Jerry: You can't play Kramer.
Kramer: I am Kramer.
Jerry: But you can't act.
Kramer: [blows air]

Newman: Well, you'll never guess what happened to me today. I was, uh, driving home on the palisades parkway when I looked in the rear view mirror and what did I see? The fuzz. And it's funny because my new radar detector was on, but I didn't hear a thing. Isn't that strange?
Kramer: Yeah. That's strange.
Newman: A radar detector, as I understand it, detects radar. With a series of beeps and flashing lights. But oddly, for some reason I didn't hear a thing except for the sound of a police siren.
Kramer: That's queer uh?
Newman: I want my helmet back! You give me back my helmet, and you're gonna pay for that ticket!
Kramer: Oh, yeah? You better think again, Mojumbo.