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‘The Chaperone’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Chaperone

601. The Chaperone

Aired September 22, 1994

When Jerry has a date with a Miss America contestant, Kramer accompanies them as a chaperone. George suggests changing the Yankees' uniform. Meanwhile, Elaine starts a new job.

Quote from Elaine

Mrs. Landis: Of course, Jackie O. was a great lady. Those are going to be some tough shoes to fill. Everyone loved her. She had such... grace.
Elaine: Yes. Grace.
Mrs. Landis: Not many people have grace.
Elaine: Well, you know, grace is a tough one. I like to think I have a little grace. Not as much as Jackie.
Mrs. Landis: You can't have "a little grace." You either have grace, or you... don't.
Elaine: Okay, fine, I have... no grace.
Mrs. Landis: And you can't acquire grace.
Elaine: Well, I have no intention of "getting" grace.
Mrs. Landis: Grace isn't something you can pick up at the market.
Elaine: All right, all right, look. I don't have grace, I don't want grace... I don't even say grace, okay?
Mrs. Landis: Thank you for coming in.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, right.
Mrs. Landis: We'll make our choice in a few days, and we'll let you know.
Elaine: [stands up] I have no chance, do I?
Mrs. Landis: No. [they shake hands]

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I've always wondered why baseball is so associated with sex. "He's playing the field," "Ho, he scored," "Oh, he didn't get to first base." "I struck out." "Why?" "She wanted a diamond." It's always baseball. Always baseball. As far as baseball goes, I prefer the fat umpires. I feel if you're on the field and you're not in the game, you should be in the worst physical condition a human being could possibly be in. They should be allowed to eat during the game. We're a little too into sports in this country. I think we gotta throttle back. You know what I mean? People come home from these games, "We won! We won!" No, they won, you watched.

Quote from Elaine

Woman: [over intercom] Justin Pitt to see you.
Elaine: Justin Pitt?
Mrs. Landis: He was a very close friend of Mrs. Onassis's.
Elaine: "Mrs. Onassis's"? That's hard to pronounce.
Mrs. Landis: Excuse me?
Elaine: Nothing.
[Mr. Pitt enters the office with a stack of papers]
Mr. Pitt: Mrs. Landis, there's something wrong with this copying machine, it's all coming out slanted. Now, I don't know if this is your department or not.
Mr. Pitt: Justin Pitt, this is Elaine Benes.
[Elaine has wrapped a scarf around her hair and put black glasses on. Mr. Pitt is taken aback by her resemblance to Jackie O.]
Mr. Pitt: Charmed.
Elaine: I was a great admirer of Mrs. Onass-sis-sis-sis...

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Kramer: Nothing.
Jerry: I'm going out with one of the Miss America contestants, you wanna go?
Kramer: What state?
Jerry: Rhode Island.
Kramer: They're never in contention.
George: How do you know?
Kramer: Because I've seen every Miss America pageant since I was six.
Jerry: Look, do you want to go or not? I'll buy you dinner.
Kramer: Giddy-up!

Quote from Elaine

Mr. Pitt: The resemblance is uncanny. [Elaine has a sour expression on her face as she drinks through a straw] Even the brown eyes.
Elaine: Well, a lot of people have brown eyes.
Mr. Pitt: No, there's something else. An indefinable quality.
Elaine: Grace?
Mr. Pitt: Grace, yes.
Elaine: You think I have grace?
Mr. Pitt: Some grace, yes.
Elaine: Just some?
Mr. Pitt: Well, you don't want too much grace or you won't be able to stand.
Elaine: [laughs] Oh, Mr. Pitt.

Quote from George

George: Hey, Buck. Talk to you for a second?
Showalter: Sure, George.
George: How's everything going? Everything okay?
Showalter: Well, all of a sudden there's a problem with Tartabull's swing, but...
George: Listen, Buck, I uh... Obviously, I don't need to talk to you about the importance of player morale, but I've been talking to some of the guys, and some of them - I don't want to mention any names - but some of them, they're not too happy with the polyester uniforms.
Showalter: How so?
George: Well, they get very hot in the polyester. You know, it's not a natural fiber. I think they would prefer cotton.
Showalter: Cotton, huh?
George: Yeah. Cotton breathes. You see, it's much softer. Imagine playing games and your team is five degrees cooler than the other team. Don't you think that would be an advantage? They're cooler, they're more comfortable, they're happier, they're gonna play better.
Showalter: You may have something there, George.
George: Oh. I've got something.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: If you were Miss America, what would you do to make the world a better place?
Karen: As Miss America, I would try and bring an end to world hunger. If every person sacrificed one meal a week, there would be enough to feed the whole world!
Jerry: That's a hell of a plan. [to Kramer] Listen -
Kramer: What advice would you give young people?
Jerry: All right, Kramer!
Kramer: This is important stuff! She's got to be able to answer these questions. She's not going to have time to think, out there, with millions of people watching her. Any hesitation could cost her the crown. You know, poise counts.
Karen: You really know a lot about this, don't you?
Kramer: Oh yeah, like last year? Miss Texas? Now, she should have won easily, but she lost points in the swimsuit competition.
Karen: Well, what could she have done?
Kramer: Tape her breasts together.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Let's try a few more questions, all right? If you were Miss America, and the U.S. was on the brink of a nuclear war, and the only way the conflict could be averted was if you agreed to sleep with the enemy's leader, what would you do?
Karen: Kramer, are these questions really that important...?
Kramer: Yes, they're important! If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye. Now, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, poise counts! It's just as important as the others. Swimsuit, evening wear, talent, poise!

Quote from Elaine

Mr. Pitt: It's good, but...
Elaine: But what??
Mr. Pitt: Ultimately I don't think they'll stay up.
Elaine: No, no! They'll stay up!
Mr. Pitt: For a while, yes, but not in the long run.
Elaine: But that's why I got you the tighter ones!
Mr. Pitt: Oh, forget about those! Why do you keep mentioning those?
Elaine: What do you want!?
Mr. Pitt: I want a decent sock that's comfortable, that will stay on my foot!

Quote from George

[As Jerry and George watch Miss Rhode Island's lackluster singing on TV]
Jerry: I heard those doves were really incredible.
George: That's a shame.
Jerry: It's like watching an animal get tortured.
George: Hey, hey! Yankee game. [changes channel]
Jerry: Oh, great! All right.
Announcer #1: And the Yankees take the field!
Announcer #2: What is with the Yankees? They look like they're having trouble running, they can't move!
Announcer #1: It's their uniforms, they're too tight, they've shrunk! They're running like penguins! Forget this game!
Announcer #2: Oh my God, Mattingly just split his pants!
Jerry: That's a shame.


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