Dr. Siegel: Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it with them?
Kramer: I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!
Jerry: I dunno.
Kramer: Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open. His guts will be all over the place.
Jerry: Yeah, that's true.
Kramer: They'll saw through bone. You'll see what's inside bone!

Dr. Siegel: [to Roy] I just wanted to stop by to see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation.
Kramer: Yeah, I have a question. What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors?
Dr. Siegel: Are you asking because you saw 20/20 last night?
Kramer: I sure am.
Dr. Siegel: Well, that report was about one very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor in your friend's procedure.
Kramer: But you will use... a retractor.
Dr. Siegel: We have to.
Kramer: Mmm-hmm.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You can't just have an adultery, you commit adultery. And you can't even commit adultery unless you already have a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But, you know, some people actually cheat on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, you know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and going, "All right, give me everything you have, too".

George: What's with the gloves?
Kramer: Well, I'm staining my floors and, you know, I don't want to get my hands dirty.
George: What, the whole apartment?
Kramer: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'cause I need wood around me. Wood, Jerry. [snaps fingers] Wood.
Jerry: Wood is good.
Kramer: Definitely.

Kramer: Ah, there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me?
Jerry: You asked a date to go to the operation?
Kramer: Yeah. So come on, what do you say?
George: What kind of operation is it?
Kramer: Spleenectomy.
George: Isn't that where they remove the-
Kramer: No, no, no. Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet!

Jerry: Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing into the patient!
George: What do you mean "into the patient"?
Jerry: Into the patient, literally!
George: Into the hole?
Jerry: Yes, the hole!
George: Didn't they notice it?
Jerry: No!
George: How could they not notice it?
Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school. They're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that you love. You know, "I love those. I hate those. I hate those. I love those". And only a seven year old kid can taste the difference between, like, a red M&M and a light brown M&M. That's two totally different things when you're seven years old. "Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown is more of a mellower flavor. It's an after dinner M&M, really''.

George: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. You know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.
Jerry: Yeah, I did that too.
George: You remember the, the little bank book, there?
Jerry: Sure.
George: All right, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to $1900. $1900 dollars! They're sending me a check!
Jerry: Wow!
George: Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything.
Jerry: You know, I have friends who try to base their whole life on that principle.
George: Really? Who?
Jerry: Nobody you know.

Jerry: What, you rented Home Alone?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: I thought you saw that already.
George: No, I saw Home Alone II.
Jerry: Oh, right... But you hated it!
George: Well, I was lost. I never saw the first one. By the way, do you mind if I watch it here?
Jerry: What for?
George: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.

Jerry: What are doing? You're crying?
George: No.
Jerry: You crying from Home Alone?
George: The old man got to me.
Jerry: All right, just get yourself together. I don't know if I can be friends with you anymore after this display
George: Oh, shut up!