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‘The Junior Mint’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Junior Mint

420. The Junior Mint

Aired March 18, 1993

When a former boyfriend of Elaine's goes in for surgery, Jerry and Kramer cause a complication. Meanwhile, Jerry doesn't know the name of the woman he's dating.

Quote from Kramer

Dr. Siegel: [to Roy] I just wanted to stop by to see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation.
Kramer: Yeah, I have a question. What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors?
Dr. Siegel: Are you asking because you saw 20/20 last night?
Kramer: I sure am.
Dr. Siegel: Well, that report was about one very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor in your friend's procedure.
Kramer: But you will use... a retractor.
Dr. Siegel: We have to.
Kramer: Mmm-hmm.

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Quote from Kramer

Dr. Siegel: Tell you what. You're obviously concerned about your friend's welfare. A few of my students will be observing tomorrow's operation from the viewing gallery. How would you like to watch it with them?
Kramer: I'd love to watch the operation, yeah!
Jerry: I dunno.
Kramer: Oh, come on Jerry. You gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open. His guts will be all over the place.
Jerry: Yeah, that's true.
Kramer: They'll saw through bone. You'll see what's inside bone!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You can't just have an adultery, you commit adultery. And you can't even commit adultery unless you already have a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But, you know, some people actually cheat on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, you know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and going, "All right, give me everything you have, too".

Quote from Kramer

George: What's with the gloves?
Kramer: Well, I'm staining my floors and, you know, I don't want to get my hands dirty.
George: What, the whole apartment?
Kramer: The whole apartment. And I'm buying that fake wood wallpaper. I'm gonna surround myself in wood. It's gonna be like a log cabin. 'cause I need wood around me. Wood, Jerry. [snaps fingers] Wood.
Jerry: Wood is good.
Kramer: Definitely.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Ah, there you are. My date stood me up. Listen, will you guys go to the operation with me?
Jerry: You asked a date to go to the operation?
Kramer: Yeah. So come on, what do you say?
George: What kind of operation is it?
Kramer: Spleenectomy.
George: Isn't that where they remove the-
Kramer: No, no, no. Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it yet!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing into the patient!
George: What do you mean "into the patient"?
Jerry: Into the patient, literally!
George: Into the hole?
Jerry: Yes, the hole!
George: Didn't they notice it?
Jerry: No!
George: How could they not notice it?
Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.

Quote from George

George: Oh my God, I forgot to tell you. I got a letter today from the State Controller's Office. You know when I was going to public school back in Brooklyn, every week I used to put fifty cents in the Lincoln Savings Bank.
Jerry: Yeah, I did that too.
George: You remember the, the little bank book, there?
Jerry: Sure.
George: All right, so I haven't put anything in it since sixth grade, I completely forgot about it. The State Controller's Office tracks me down. The interest has accumulated to $1900. $1900 dollars! They're sending me a check!
Jerry: Wow!
George: Yeah, interest. It's an amazing thing. You make money without doing anything.
Jerry: You know, I have friends who try to base their whole life on that principle.
George: Really? Who?
Jerry: Nobody you know.

Quote from George

Jerry: What, you rented Home Alone?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: I thought you saw that already.
George: No, I saw Home Alone II.
Jerry: Oh, right... But you hated it!
George: Well, I was lost. I never saw the first one. By the way, do you mind if I watch it here?
Jerry: What for?
George: Because if I watch it at my apartment I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house; I'm doing something.

Quote from George

Jerry: What are doing? You're crying?
George: No.
Jerry: You crying from Home Alone?
George: The old man got to me.
Jerry: All right, just get yourself together. I don't know if I can be friends with you anymore after this display
George: Oh, shut up!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know, I remember when I was a kid growing up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe. "Jerry Jerry Dingleberry", and "Seinsmelled".
Woman: "Seinsmelled"?
Jerry: Yeah. What about you? Did people make fun of your name?
Woman: Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? [chuckles; kisses Jerry's neck] Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are.
Woman: Oh, Jerry.
Jerry: Oh, you!

Quote from George

George: Now, let's try "breast". Celeste... Kest...
Jerry: No.
George: Rest. Sest. Hest.
Jerry: "Hest"? That's not a name.
George: Well, you should have just asked her.
Jerry: I know, I should've asked her.
George: What are you gonna do now?
Jerry: I dunno. I can't ask her now. I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.
George: Aretha!
Jerry: No.
George: Bovary!
Jerry: All right, that's enough.

Quote from Kramer

Dr. Siegel: [o.s.] Now we'll open the peritoneal cavity, exposing the body's internal organs. Nurse, retractor.
Jerry: What are you eating?
Kramer: Junior Mints. Do you want one?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: I can't see. Psst. [motions to the doctor to move out of the way]
Jerry: Where'd you get those?
Kramer: The machine. You want one? Here, take one.
Jerry: I don't want any!
Kramer: No, they're good!
Jerry: I don't want any!
Kramer: Just take one.
Jerry: No! Kramer, stop it!
[As Kramer tries to force a Junior Mint on Jerry, the two tussle. The Junior Mint goes flying from the observation deck, and lands in the Roy's surgical cavity. The doctors and nurses hear a sound but have no idea what happened.]

Quote from Jerry

George: Well, what did they do?
Jerry: They sealed him up with the mint inside.
George: They left the Junior Mint in him?
Jerry: Yes!
George: I guess it can't hurt him. People eat pounds of those things.
Jerry: Yes, they eat them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, this wallpaper is very good. My place looks like a ski lodge!
Jerry: Why did you force that mint on me? I didn't want the mint!
Kramer: Well, I didn't believe you.
Jerry: How could you not believe me?
Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint. It's delicious!
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!

Quote from George

George: Well, I got my triangles.
Jerry: Really.
George: Yup, you know, they really spruce up the apartment.
Jerry: Yeah, I'm sure. Well, I gotta call the Hospital. I gotta tell 'em what happened.
George: No, Jerry. I wouldn't do that.
Jerry: Why?
George: You could get in trouble.
Jerry: Look, I gotta try and help the guy.
George: Who are you to play God!? Every man's time comes! If his number is up, who are you to interfere!?

Quote from Kramer

Roy: Hey, there's the guy who saved my life.
Dr. Siegel: You know I don't want to totally discount the emotional element in your recovery, but I think there were other factors at play here.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Dr. Siegel: I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps from above...
Kramer: Mint?
Dr. Siegel: Those can be very refreshing.

Quote from Jerry

Woman: And afterwards we went backstage and Olympia Dukakis autographed my playbill.
Jerry: Oh, what're you saying, you got her autograph?
Woman: Yeah.
Jerry: Do you have it with you?
Woman: Yeah, it's in my purse.
Jerry: Let me see.
Woman: You, know I really think I'm falling for you, Jerry Seinfeld.
Woman: Oh, well, I really think I'm falling for you... [reads autograph] ...Joseph Puglia.
Woman: I had it autographed for my uncle.
Jerry: Yeah, I know.

Quote from Jerry

Woman: You don't know my name, do you?
Jerry: Yes, I do.
Woman: What is it?
Jerry: It, uh, rhymes with a female body part.
Woman: What is it?
Jerry: Mulva. [she walks out] Gipple? Loleola? [Jerry goes over and opens the fridge, when a literal and metaphorical light goes on] Oh! [runs to the window] Delores!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Ages zero through ten, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school. They're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy. And you have your favorite candies that you love. You know, "I love those. I hate those. I hate those. I love those". And only a seven year old kid can taste the difference between, like, a red M&M and a light brown M&M. That's two totally different things when you're seven years old. "Well, your red is more of a main course M&M, but the brown is more of a mellower flavor. It's an after dinner M&M, really''.


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