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‘The Abstinence’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Abstinence

809. The Abstinence

Aired November 21, 1996

George's intelligence skyrockets when his girlfriend can't have sex for six weeks, while Elaine experiences the opposite effect with her doctor boyfriend. Jerry gets bumped from Career Day at his old school. Kramer launches a smoker's lounge in his apartment.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: How come he's getting so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese.
Jerry: Are you all right?
Elaine: I don't know. It's just the last couple of days my mind has been kind of, you know... not good.
Jerry: Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you.
Elaine: What? What are you talking about?
Jerry: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, no sex, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid!
Elaine: I don't understand.
Jerry: Exactly.

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Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: [on the phone] Oh, my vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent. In fact, next time I'm planning on going to Corfu.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: Did that cigarette warning label mention anything about damage to your appearance?
Kramer: No, it didn't say anything.
Jackie Chiles: So you're a victim. Now your face is sallow, unattractive, disgusting.
Kramer: So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?
Jackie Chiles: Your face is my case.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, buddy. How was Career Day?
Jerry: Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long.
George: You got bumped from Career Day?
Jerry: It was a mix-up, I'm sure.
Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now, why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe night.
Jerry: What? What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt.
Kramer: What? [looks at reflection on toaster] My face is all craggly. It's crinkly.
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Kramer: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood! Everything I have I owe to this face. It's my allure. My twinkle!
Jerry: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.
Kramer: Look away, I'm hideous.

Quote from George

Jerry: Six weeks?
George: Yeah, six weeks.
Jerry: Well, so what? You've gone six weeks before.
George: I can do six weeks standing on my head. I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility.
Jerry: Well, so, are you gonna break up with her?
George: I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys.
Jerry: What guys?
George: Like us.

Quote from Elaine

George: So it's just mono.
Elaine: Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical advise, Laney met a doctor. And he's unattached.
Jerry: I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked.
Elaine: No, it's not debunked. It's totally bunk.
Jerry: Isn't bunk bad? Like, "That's a lot of bunk".
George: No, something is bunk and then you debunk it.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Huh?
George: I think.
Elaine: Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it. Let's just move on.

Quote from George

George: What is Tungsten? Or Wolfram.
Alex Trebek: [on TV] We were looking for 'What is Tungsten? Or Wolfram.'.
Jerry: Is this a repeat?
George: No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon... "What is chicken Kiev?" ... I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.
Jerry: Louise! That's what's doing it. You're no longer preoccupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus.
George: You think?
Jerry: Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. [holds lettuce head] Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here [plucks tiny piece], and the part obsessed with sex. Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. [eats the tiny piece]
George: Oh my God. I just remembered where I left my retainer in second grade. I'll see you later.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Need some more matches.
Jerry: What is going on in there?
Kramer: I met some people smoking on the street, so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Well, somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being.
Jerry: It doesn't?
Kramer: Jerry, these people aren't just going to let themselves be flicked into the ashbin of society.
Jerry: Why not?
Kramer: Well, you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry.

Quote from George

Jerry: So what did you do?
George: I told her I would have to think about it.
Jerry: But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right?
George: I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way.
Jerry: You mean, not subjecting women to your sexual advances.
George: Simple joke from a simple man.
Jerry: So you're never gonna have sex again?
George: Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak.
Kramer: Who could love me?
Wilkie: I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.
Wilkie: All right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our offer by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen. [exits]
Kramer: Yeah, bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.
Jackie Chiles: You better believe it. Jackie's cashing in on your wretched disfigurement.

Quote from George

George: You know, Louise. I think you'll find this amusing. In early Euclidean geometry-
Louise: George, I have to have sex.
George: I used to share that very same outlook. But now, I have so many things to occupy my mind. For instance, the atom.
Louise: Goodbye, George. I hate you. [exits]
George: What a fascinating turn of events.

Quote from George

Jerry: Where have you been? You know, you're on next.
George: I got lost on the way over.
Jerry: Got lost? We went to school here for three years.
George: What are these? [holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me to your leader.
Jerry: Oh, my God. You had sex! You had sex with Louise!
George: No, the Portuguese waitress.
Jerry: The Portuguese waitress?
George: I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Kramer: That was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.
Jackie Chiles: It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet.
Kramer: Well, Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little powwow.
Jackie Chiles: A powwow? Who told you to have a pow-wow? I didn't tell you to have powwow.
Kramer: She made an offer. I took it.
Jackie Chiles: How much?
Kramer: No, no, no. There was no money.
Jackie Chiles: No money? Then what'd we get?
Kramer: Check it out.
[Kramer features on a cigarette billboard]
Jackie Chiles: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.

Quote from George

George: Say me, you and Kramer are, uh, flying over the Andes.
Jerry: Why are we flying over the Andes?
George: We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the plane crashes. Who are you gonna eat to survive?
Jerry: Kramer.
George: So fast? What about me?
Jerry: No.
George: Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.
Jerry: Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content. It's better for you.
George: Well, I would eat you.
Jerry: That's very nice, I guess.
George: I still don't see why you wouldn't eat me. I'm your best friend.
Jerry: Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you.
George: Thank you.
Jerry: [about George's snack] Can I have a piece of that?
George: No.

Quote from Jerry

Mrs. Burns: Jerry, it was so nice of you to come down here.
Jerry: I'm on next, right?
Mrs. Burns: Well, unfortunately, Mr. O'Meary from the Bronx zoo...
Jerry: The guy with the lizard.
Mrs. Burns: Yes. Well, he started feedin'git crickets, and the children just love him. And we're out of time. So can you come back tomorrow?
Jerry: I'm getting bumped? You're bumping me from Career Day?

Quote from Kramer

George: Kramer, what are you doing? You can't smoke in here.
Kramer: No, come on.
Larry: Take it outside.
Kramer: Come on, Larry. You know me.
Larry: It bothers people, and it's against the law.
Jerry: You can make all the laws you want. He's still gonna bother people.

Quote from Jerry

Mrs. Burns: Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry. Care for a Graham cracker?
Jerry: No, let's just do it. [fire alarm goes off] What? What is going on? What is that about?
Mrs. Burns: Fire drill. Sorry. Single file everyone!
Jerry: But I was promised this slot.
Mrs. Burns: Single file, Jerry.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [answers phone] Hello?
Katie: Jerry.
Jerry: Oh hi, Katie.
Katie: I heard what happened to the junior high. They can't bump you like that. That is so unprofessional.
Jerry: Oh relax, Katie. It's not a problem.
Katie: They bump you in junior high, the next thing you know you're being bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools. Before you know it, Letterman's not returning your calls.

Quote from George

George: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. [hits a home run] It's not complicated.
Derek Jeter: Now who are you again?
George: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.
Bernie Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
George: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?
Derek Jeter: We won the World Series.
George: In six games.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

[Kramer enters Jackie Chiles' office]
Jackie Chiles: Oh, no.
Kramer: Jackie we gotta talk.
Jackie Chiles: No way, Kramer. You've brought nothing but a mountain of misfortune and humiliation. Now get out.
Kramer: But Jackie--
Jackie Chiles: I said out.
Kramer: Jackie, I think I gotta case against the tobacco companies.
Jackie Chiles: The who?
Kramer: The tobacco companies.
Jackie Chiles: I've been wanting a piece of them for years.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [on the phone] Cancelled? But I was supposed to be on tomorrow night.
David Letterman: Yeah, but then, you know, some people were telling me about that little flap out there at the junior high school assembly. And before that, you were bumped by a lizard?
Jerry: Actually, it was a monitor lizard.
David Letterman: Those things, deadly dangerous. A long time ago my uncle and a date are driving, like, through Mexico. They see one on the road, drags him out of the road, and chews his face off. Listen, we'll call you if anything opens up. Okay, Jimmy?
Jerry: Jerry.
David Letterman: Right. Jerry.


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