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‘The Abstinence’ Quotes Page 1 of 5    

Seinfeld: The Abstinence

809. The Abstinence

Aired November 21, 1996

George's intelligence skyrockets when his girlfriend can't have sex for six weeks, while Elaine experiences the opposite effect with her doctor boyfriend. Jerry gets bumped from Career Day at his old school. Kramer launches a smoker's lounge in his apartment.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: How come he's getting so smart? I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago and I don't know no Portuguese.
Jerry: Are you all right?
Elaine: I don't know. It's just the last couple of days my mind has been kind of, you know... not good.
Jerry: Wait a second, I know what's happening. The no sex thing is having a reverse effect on you.
Elaine: What? What are you talking about?
Jerry: To a woman, sex is like the garbage man. You just take for granted the fact that any time you put some trash out on the street, a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up. But now, no sex, it's like a garbage strike. The bags are piling up in your head. The sidewalk is blocked. Nothing's getting through. You're stupid!
Elaine: I don't understand.
Jerry: Exactly.

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Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: [on the phone] Oh, my vacation was restful, splendid, magnificent. In fact, next time I'm planning on going to Corfu.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: Did that cigarette warning label mention anything about damage to your appearance?
Kramer: No, it didn't say anything.
Jackie Chiles: So you're a victim. Now your face is sallow, unattractive, disgusting.
Kramer: So Jackie, do you think we gotta case?
Jackie Chiles: Your face is my case.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, buddy. How was Career Day?
Jerry: Ah, I didn't get on. The lizard guy went long.
George: You got bumped from Career Day?
Jerry: It was a mix-up, I'm sure.
Kramer: They're trying to screw with your head.
Jerry: Now, why would a junior high school want to screw with my head?
Kramer: Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries? I don't know.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe night.
Jerry: What? What happened to your face? It looks like an old catcher's mitt.
Kramer: What? [looks at reflection on toaster] My face is all craggly. It's crinkly.
Jerry: It's from all that smoke. You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?
Kramer: Emphysema, birth defects, cancer. But not this. Jerry, my face is my livelihood! Everything I have I owe to this face. It's my allure. My twinkle!
Jerry: And your teeth, your teeth are all brown.
Kramer: Look away, I'm hideous.

Quote from George

Jerry: Six weeks?
George: Yeah, six weeks.
Jerry: Well, so what? You've gone six weeks before.
George: I can do six weeks standing on my head. I'm a sexual camel. That's not the point. At least there was the possibility.
Jerry: Well, so, are you gonna break up with her?
George: I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys.
Jerry: What guys?
George: Like us.

Quote from Elaine

George: So it's just mono.
Elaine: Mono? Huh, well, if anyone needs any medical advise, Laney met a doctor. And he's unattached.
Jerry: I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked.
Elaine: No, it's not debunked. It's totally bunk.
Jerry: Isn't bunk bad? Like, "That's a lot of bunk".
George: No, something is bunk and then you debunk it.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: Huh?
George: I think.
Elaine: Look it, I'm dating a doctor and I like it. Let's just move on.

Quote from George

George: What is Tungsten? Or Wolfram.
Alex Trebek: [on TV] We were looking for 'What is Tungsten? Or Wolfram.'.
Jerry: Is this a repeat?
George: No, no, no. Just lately, I've been thinking a lot clearer. Like this afternoon... "What is chicken Kiev?" ... I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.
Jerry: Louise! That's what's doing it. You're no longer preoccupied with sex, so your mind is able to focus.
George: You think?
Jerry: Yeah. I mean, let's say this is your brain. [holds lettuce head] Okay, from what I know about you, your brain consists of two parts: the intellect, represented here [plucks tiny piece], and the part obsessed with sex. Now granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount from this little scrap. But with no-sex-Louise, this previously useless lump, is now functioning for the first time in its existence. [eats the tiny piece]
George: Oh my God. I just remembered where I left my retainer in second grade. I'll see you later.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Need some more matches.
Jerry: What is going on in there?
Kramer: I met some people smoking on the street, so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Well, somebody had to. You know, just because a person's a smoker, that doesn't mean he's not a human being.
Jerry: It doesn't?
Kramer: Jerry, these people aren't just going to let themselves be flicked into the ashbin of society.
Jerry: Why not?
Kramer: Well, you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but they're not going away, Jerry.

Quote from George

Jerry: So what did you do?
George: I told her I would have to think about it.
Jerry: But ultimately, you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right?
George: I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way.
Jerry: You mean, not subjecting women to your sexual advances.
George: Simple joke from a simple man.
Jerry: So you're never gonna have sex again?
George: Well, Jerry. There was a pretty good chance I was never gonna have sex again anyway.

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