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‘The Reverse Peephole’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Reverse Peephole

912. The Reverse Peephole

Aired January 15, 1998

Kramer and Newman have the great notion of installing reverse peepholes. Elaine accidentally throws away someone's fur coat. George refuses to accept his big wallet is causing back problems.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door. So you can see in.
Elaine: Why?
Newman: To prevent an ambush.
Kramer: Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.
Jerry: But then anyone can just look in and see you.
Kramer: Our policy is we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyeful, well, we say, enjoy the show.

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Quote from Elaine

Waitress: Careful, this plate is extremely hot.
Elaine: Thank you. Ow!
Waitress: I just told you it was hot. Why'd you touch it?
Elaine: I just wanted to know what your idea of 'hot' is.

Quote from George

Elaine: Oh, I walked by Bloomingdale's the other day, and I saw that massage chair we want to get Joe Mayo as an apartment gift.
George: An apartment-warming gift? We got to give presents to people for moving? Birthdays, Christmas, it's enough gifts. I would like one month off.
Jerry: Kramer said it's a perfect gift. That's what we're getting him.
George: All right, but we're not buying it at Bloomingdale's. I will buy it, you pay me back later. I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense.
Jerry: Cheapness is not a sense.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Nice wallet.
Newman: Wallet.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Nobody carries wallets anymore. I mean, they went out with powdered wigs. Yeah, see here's what you need. Just a couple of cards and your bankroll. See, keep the big bills on the outside.
Jerry: That's a five.

Quote from George

Jerry: You know it is better without this big wallet. It's more comfortable.
George: It doesn't matter if it's more comfortable. It's wrong.
Jerry: Why?
George: Because important things go in a case. You got a skull for your brain, a plastic sleeve for your comb, and a wallet for your money.
Jerry: But look at this thing. It's-it's huge. [holds George's wallet and a hamburger] You got more cow here than here.
George: I need everything in there.
Jerry: Irish money?
George: I might go there.
Jerry: "Show this card at any participating Orlando-area Exxon station to get your free 'Save the Tiger' poster."
George: All right, just gimme that. And gimme some of those Sweet & Los.

Quote from Kramer

Silvio: Why are we in Jerry's apartment?
Kramer: Well, I, uh, I like to think of this as my conference room. Yeah, it has a more formal atmosphere, you know, with the shelves, and the furniture.

Quote from Newman

Newman: So, to what do I owe this unusual invitation?
Elaine: Come in, come in.
Newman: Ah! This is very much as I imagined it to be. Aside from this rattan piece, which seems oddly out of place.
Elaine: Please, sit down. Newman, um, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Newman: This isn't about my opening your mail?
Elaine: What?
Newman: Because I don't. Never have. Anything I read was already open.

Quote from David Puddy

Elaine: What is that?
David Puddy: It's my new coat.
Elaine: You ditched the fur?
David Puddy: Yeah, I saw Jerry wearing his. He looked like a bit of a dandy. Check it out. Eight Ball. You got a question, you ask the Eight Ball.
Elaine: You're gonna wear this all the time?
David Puddy: All signs point to yes.

Quote from David Puddy

Elaine: Why are you wearing that?
David Puddy: It's my winter coat.
Elaine: A fur?
David Puddy: Is there a problem?
Elaine: A seemingly infinite supply. [touches plate again] Ow. Careful, it's hot.
David Puddy: [touches plate] Ow!

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: So, Puddy wear's a man fur?
Elaine: He was strutting around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson.
Jerry: And, of course, you find fur morally reprehensible.
Elaine: Eh, anti-fur. I mean, who has the energy anymore? This is more about hanging off the arms of an idiot.
George: And this is the first you're seeing of the coat?
Elaine: We never dated in winter.
Jerry: You might want to get a look at that bathing suit drawer.

Quote from Newman

Kramer: You got any pliers?
Jerry: What, has Newman got another army man stuck in his ear?
Newman: Hilarious.

Quote from Kramer

Silvio: Eh, what are you doing?
Kramer: Hey, Silvio. Yeah, I'm reversing my peephole.
Silvio: Hey, you know you gotta get permission from me. I'm the super. Who said you could do that?
Kramer: Well, who says I can do any of the things I do in my place?
Silvio: Like what?
Kramer: Well, I... Uh, nothing. No, I'll, um, I'll switch it back.
Silvio: No, no, no, no. No, that's all right.
Kramer: Well, that's good. Because, uh, Newman and I--
Silvio: Newman? He did this, too?
Kramer: Well, yeah.
Silvio: I deal with him.

Quote from George

George: Hey, look at this. This is the same massage chair we're getting for Joe Mayo, $60 cheaper.
Jerry: Except the store's in Delaware.
George: I'll have them overnight it.
Jerry: Maybe cheapness is a sense.

Quote from Newman

Newman: I can't believe I'm being evicted.
Kramer: What? What are you talking about?
Newman: The reverse peepholes. Silvio said I'm an agitator and I'm out of the building.
Kramer: No. No, he can't do that.
Newman: I'm homeless! I'm gonna be out on a street corner, dancing for nickels. I'll be with the hobos in the train yard, eating out of a bucket.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: George, I am loving this no wallet thing.
George: A man carries a wallet.
Jerry: You know, the very fact that you oppose this makes me think I'm onto something.

Quote from Jerry

Joe Mayo: Hey, Jerry.
Jerry: Hey, Joe Mayo. Nice place.
Joe Mayo: Thanks. George, can you do me a favor and stay by the phone in case anybody calls and needs directions?
George: Love to.
Joe Mayo: Thanks. Jerry...
Jerry: Music?
Joe Mayo: Actually, can you keep an eye on the aquarium and make sure nobody taps on the glass?
Jerry: But I could do that and the music.
Joe Mayo: Oh, no, don't worry about the music. Just... have fun!
Jerry: I was ready to get jiggy with it.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: I can't stand Joe Mayo's parties. You know, the second you walk in, he's got you working for him. "Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you keep an eye on the ice, make sure we have enough?" Uh...
Jerry: I had a great time at the last one. I was in charge of the music. I turned that mother out.

Quote from George

Elaine: So, George... did you get the chair?
George: No, I don't have it yet.
Jerry: So, we're givin' him nothing?
George: No, I brought a picture of the chair.
Jerry: Did you at least get him a card?
George: I thought we'd all sign the picture.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: [throws the fur coat out the window] Goodbye, Dr. Zaius.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: So Joe Mayo had the same coat.
George: And you threw it out the window?
Elaine: Mm-hmm.
George: God, you're like a rock star.
Elaine: So now Joe Mayo wants me to buy him a new coat.
Jerry: Because you threw it out.
Elaine: No, because I was in charge of the coats. It's insane.
Jerry: But you did actually throw his coat out the window.
Elaine: But he doesn't know that. As far as he knows, someone stole it, and that's the person who should be responsible.
Jerry: But that's you.
Elaine: So I guess I'll have to buy him a new coat, even though I don't think I should be held responsible, which I am anyway.

Quote from George

George: Uh, my back is killing me.
Jerry: Of course. Because of that wallet. You-you got a filing cabinet under half of your ass.
George: This is an organizer, a secretary, and a friend.
Elaine: Look at you. You're on a slant.
George: Here, just give me a couple of napkins. [stuffs napkins in the other pocket] There, there I'm fine.
[Suddenly, there's a cracking sound and George slants in the other direction]
Jerry: What was that?
George: I think I had some hard candy in there.

Quote from Jerry

Keri: Do me a favor. Can you hold this stuff for me?
Jerry: Compact, lipstick, all this?
Keri: And can you help to carry my keys?
Jerry: What are you, a medieval dungeon master?
Keri: And a tin of Altoids.
Jerry: Ow! Sharp key.

Quote from Newman

Kramer: So, you're sleeping with Silvio's wife?
Newman: Well, there's very little sleeping going on.
Kramer: Well, why didn't you tell me about this?
Newman: Quite frankly, I don't see how it's any of your business.
Kramer: Well, it's my business now. Look, I stuck up for you. Man, if he catches you, we're both out.
Newman: Hey, what is that up that tree?
Kramer: Hoooh! Man, that looks like a dead bear.
Newman: No, that's a fur coat! Hey, uh, give me a boost.
Kramer: Man, where did you learn to climb trees like that?
Newman: The Pacific Northwest.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: So, you had to carry some of Keri's stuff. Big deal.
Jerry: You don't understand. I went on a successful pocket diet, and I want to keep that weight off.
Elaine: You know what? We sell this thing at Peterman that would be perfect for you.
Jerry: Not more of that crap from the Titanic?
Elaine: No. No. It's a small men's carryall.
Jerry: I'm not carrying a purse.
Elaine: It's not a purse. It's European.
Jerry: Oh.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Well, I guess I better go and price fur coats.
Kramer: Oh, go down to 88th Street. They're free.
Elaine: What are you talking about?
Kramer: Well, they're hanging from the trees. You know, Newman found one there yesterday. Man, that guy can climb like a ring-tailed lemur!
Elaine: 88th Street? That's where Joe Mayo lives. That's the coat! [pushes Kramer]
Jerry: What was that pop sound?
Kramer: Well, I had some hard candy in there.

Quote from Newman

Elaine: Uh, yeah. Uh, no. Newman, uh, I heard that you found a fur coat in a tree. And, I believe that it belongs to a friend of mine, and I'd like to give it back to him.
Newman: Sorry. Climbers, keepers.
Elaine: You know, Newmie. Um, I know how you feel about me, and I have to tell you, I'm quite flattered.
Newman: You are?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. I mean, of all the men that I know, you're the only one who's held down a steady job for several years.
Newman: Well, it's-it's interesting work, I don't mind it. [Elaine laughs] Don't you have a-a boyfriend? A, uh, burly, athletic type?
Elaine: Uh, don't worry, he's cool.
Newman: Cool?
Elaine: Very cool. So, what do you say? Can you do this one little favor, Newmie?
Newman: Oh, how I've waited for this moment. But alas, my heart belongs to another man's wife, and I have given the coat to her.
Elaine: All right, we're done here.
Newman: For I am in love with Svetlana, and I don't care if the whole world knows, except for Silvio, who would throw me out of the apartment, where I would be dancing on the sidewalk--
Elaine: Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.

Quote from Jerry

Keri: Nice carryall.
Jerry: It's European.
Keri: Do you still have my lipstick?
Jerry: Uh, yeah, I think I do. I can never find anything in here. Ah, here it is. So, that Joe Mayo throws the worst parties, doesn't he? So what was your job?
Keri: My job was to keep you away from the music.
Jerry: What, he doesn't like my taste in music?
Keri: Guess not.
Jerry: You should've been there last year. I got jiggy with it!

Quote from Kramer

Silvio: Svetlana says she find it in the laundry room, but I think it is a gift from that postman agitator. Where is he?
Kramer: Relax, Silvio.
Silvio: No, that's it. You're both out of the building!
Kramer: Oh, come on! Hey, Newman didn't even give her that! No, that's not even a woman's coat. It's a man's!
Silvio: A man's?
Kramer: Yeah.
Silvio: What kind of a man would wear fur?
Kramer: Oh, lots of them.
Silvio: Would you?
Kramer: No.
Silvio: Then who?
Kramer: What about Jerry?
Silvio: Jerry?
Kramer: Yeah, sure, he's a celebrity. Oh, yeah, they wear a lot of furs. They're desperate, insecure people.
Silvio: Yes, you are right. It's all about, me, me, me. Please, look at me! I am so pretty! Love me! Want me!
Kramer: Yeah, something like that.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: I have to do what?
Kramer: All you have to do is wear the fur so Silvio thinks it's yours.
Jerry: I'm not wearing the fur.
Kramer: Well, then, Newman and I, we get thrown out of the building.
Jerry: Is that right?
Kramer: All right, why don't you just take a good, hard look at what your life will be like if I'm not around?
Jerry: ... Newman, too?
Kramer: Oh, come on, man! Well, I'll tell you what, if you do this, I'll give you that Walkman you're always asking about.
Jerry: That's my Walkman!
Kramer: And you'll get it back.

Quote from George

George: Oh, so now I have to buy this whole chair by myself?
Jerry: No, you don't have to buy anything.
George: I already bought it! I've been lying to you for three days, and now you're all screwing me!
Jerry: I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us you had it?
George: I needed it! My back is... a little tweaked.
Jerry: Because of your giant wallet. Just get rid of it.
George: Never. It is a part of me. I will just return the chair, and it will be easy, because the receipt is in my good friend.
Jerry: Your good friend is morbidly obese.
George: Well, at least, I'm not carrying a purse.
Jerry: It's not a purse. It's European!

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Hey, Silvio, just out for a little stroll in my favorite fur coat.
Silvio: That is your coat?
Jerry: It sure is.
Silvio: Kramer says you need it because you're an entertainer and you're desperate for attention.
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: Jerry, you forgot your purse.
Jerry: Oh, thanks.
Kramer: Hey, Silvio, look at Jerry here, prancing around in his coat with his purse. Yup, he's a dandy. He's a real fancy boy.
Jerry: Maybe this isn't my coat.
Kramer: All right, all right. You're not fancy!
Silvio: No, he's very fancy! Want me, love me! Shower me with kisses!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, Officer! Someone took my European carryall!
Cop: Your what?
Jerry: The...black, leather...thing with a strap.
Cop: You mean a purse?
Jerry: Yes, a purse. I carry a purse!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [on the phone] So, Silvio ambushed Joe Mayo?
Elaine: Yeah, he was waiting inside his apartment for him with a sock full of pennies.
Jerry: He should have had a reverse peephole.


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