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‘The Maestro’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Maestro

703. The Maestro

Aired October 5, 1995

Elaine starts dating a conductor who insists people call him Maestro. George feels bad for a security guard who must stand all day. Meanwhile, Kramer gets a lawyer, Jackie Chiles (Phil Morris), for his suit against a coffee shop.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Kramer: Well, you know, they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.
Jackie Chiles: Yeah, see, they like to sell their own coffee.
Kramer: Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?
Jackie Chiles: Yeah, that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.
Kramer: It's definitely preposterous.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I've never been any place in my life where there was absolutely no coffee. And people are constantly trying to give you coffee. "Who's having coffee? Can I get you some coffee?" Coffee's one of the only things you can have that people continue to try and give it to you. Waitresses are constantly coming over, "Can I warn it up for you? Can I top it off?" It's like, you could lift up a manhole cover: "We just made a fresh pot, would you like some?" This liquid has taken over humanity. There are coffee machines we have to call "mister". "Coffee anyone?" "Hey, that's Mr. Coffee to you."

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If you're gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.
Kramer: I guess I screwed up, Jackie?
Jackie Chiles: You're damn right you screwed up. Where the hell did you get that damn balm from anyway?
Kramer: The Maestro.
Jackie Chiles: The who? What are you talking about, Maestro?
Kramer: My friend. He's a conductor.
Jackie Chiles: Oh, oh. So a Maestro tells you to put a balm on and you do it?
Kramer: Well my stomach was burning.
Jackie Chiles: I tell you what this is. This is a public humiliation.
Kramer: Well, I didn't know the balm was gonna work.
Jackie Chiles: Do you know what a balm is? Have you ever seen a balm? Didn't you read the instructions?
Kramer: Well I ...
Jackie Chiles: [interrupts] No one can tell what a balm's gonna do. They're unpredictable.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: "I'll take it"? "I'll take it"? Who told you to take it? Did I tell you to take it?
Kramer: No.
Jackie Chiles: I know the Maestro didn't tell you to take it. He wasn't there.
Kramer: Well, I thought we were lucky to get anything.
Jackie Chiles: Free coffee?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie Chiles: I don't want free coffee. It's not hard to get coffee. I can get my own damn coffee. I wanted to hear what came after that "plus".
Kramer: Well, I didn't hear any Plus.
Jackie Chiles: Twenty years practicing law I've never experienced anything like this.
Kramer: Look, Java World. [to the cabbie] Hey, listen, I'm gonna get out here. I'm gonna get myself a free cafe latte.

Quote from George

George: Well, it was tough to get a good read, but I think if I brought him a chair, he'd sit.
Jerry: So are you gonna get him a chair?
George: Yup. It's really just a question of what kind. Thinking about a bar stool.
Jerry: Yeah, that would give him some height, be able to check things out. With a back or without.
George: Oh, I think I'd go for the back.
Jerry: Swivel?
George: I suppose he could swivel. Hey, maybe one of those director's chairs. What do you think of those?
Jerry: I thinks it's kind of a pompous look. You know, my parents used to have a kitchen chair that would have been perfect.
George: You mean one of those vinyl things?
Jerry: Yes.
George: Vinyl, yeah. Maybe.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Kramer: Well, I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.
Jackie Chiles: Was there a top on it?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie Chiles: Now, did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you?
Kramer: No. They put the top on.
Jackie Chiles: And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you? [over intercom] Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a caffe latte with a top. We're gonna run some test on that top.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: Have you been to the doctor?
Kramer: Uh, no. No, I haven't.
Jackie Chiles: [over intercom] Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.
Kramer: So, uh, what do you think Mr. Chiles?
Jackie Chiles: Jackie.
Kramer: Jackie. I mean, we got a chance?
Jackie Chiles: Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you gonna walk outta there a rich man.

Quote from Susan Ross

George: I don't like it, it's red. It it's too flashy.
Susan Ross: Well, you could use a little flash.
George: All right. Don't change me. Susan, don't change me. You know, there are a lot of woman that would love to be in your position right now.
Susan Ross: Name one.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So what about the "Maestro" stuff. Did he make you call him Maestro?
Elaine: Yeah, I called him Maestro.
Jerry: You didn't mind?
Elaine: Well, I did at first, but actually I kind of got used to it.
Jerry: Okay, from now on I want you to call me, "Jerry the Great".
Elaine: I am not calling you "Jerry the Great".
Jerry: Why not? You call him Maestro.
Elaine: He is a Maestro.
Jerry: Well, I'm great.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Kramer: So you know, my friend and I we were going to the movies and we stopped off and bought this caffe latte.
Jackie Chiles: Hmm-hmm. Oh, what is that like Italian coffee?
Kramer: Yeah, that's right.
Jackie Chiles: Half milk, half coffee?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie Chiles: Hmm-hmm. You take a sip?
Kramer: Yes, I did.
Jackie Chiles: Now, when you took a sip, did you notice it was hot? Were you able to sip it in your normal fashion?
Kramer: No, I wasn't able to sip it in my normal fashion.
Jackie Chiles: Hmm-hmm. All right, all right. You take big sips?
Kramer: Well, I think I take normal sips.
Jackie Chiles: O.K. You take normal sips. Nothing wrong with that. Then what happened?

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: So what did you do last night?
Elaine: Nothing.
Jerry: I know nothing, but what did you actually do?
Elaine: Literally nothing. I sat in a chair and I stared.
Jerry: Wow. That really is nothing.
Elaine: I told you.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: What are you all dressed up for?
Kramer: Oh, I just came from a meeting with my lawyer.
Jerry: Oh, yeah? How's that looking?
Kramer: Oh, I'll tell you how it's looking. My lawyer Jackie says if there is one coffee drinker on that jury, I'm gonna be a rich man.
Elaine: That's despicable. How does he know how all coffee drinkers will vote? I'm a coffee drinker. If I was on that jury, I wouldn't give you a nickel, Kramer.
Kramer: Yeah, well you wouldn't be on that jury. He would have weeded you out.
Jerry: Frankly, I'm surprised you're so litigious.
Kramer: Oh, I can be quite litigious.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Well, I mean, who ever heard of this anyway? Suing a company because there coffee is too hot? Coffee is supposed to be hot.
Kramer: Yeah, but Jackie says the top was faulty.
Elaine: [mocking] Jackie says the top was faulty.

Quote from George

George: Let me ask you something. When you go into a store, does it bother you that they make the security guard just stand there all day?
Jerry: No.
George: See, it didn't bother Susan either. That's why I'm different. I can sense the slightest human suffering.
Jerry: Are you sensing anything right now?
George: Let me just say this. It is inhumane to make a man stand on his feet in one spot for eight hours a day. Why shouldn't he have a chair?
Jerry: Well, what about criminal activity? He's got to be alert.
George: What, he can't jump out of the chair? How long does that take? Here look at this. [moves to the end of the booth] Here, watch. [stands up] Criminals. Boom. I'm up. Stop It! Stop It! Stop It!
Jerry: Maybe they offered him a chair and he turned it down.
George: Would you get out of here. Who's gonna turn down a chair? I would be very interested to know how he felt about all of this. Maybe I'll have a talk with him.
Jerry: I know you will.

Quote from George

Kramer: Java World wants to settle.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm gonna be rich.
Jerry: Why are they settling?
Kramer: Because they're afraid of bad publicity.
Jerry: All this because you spilled coffee on yourself?
Kramer: Yeah, that's right.
George: [loudly to the counter] I'm gonna need a coffee here. Very hot! Boiling!

Quote from George

George: I, I couldn't help but notice that uh you don't have a chair.
Security Guard: I don't need a chair.
George: No, I didn't mean to imply that you did. You're obviously a very well proportioned individual. Well, what I was just wondering is, have they ever offered you a chair?
Security Guard: Nope.
George: Would you like a chair?
Security Guard: I suppose if they gave me one I'd sit down.
George: Ah-ha, ah-ha. You would, wouldn't you?
Security Guard: Obviously, I'd rather sit than stand, if that's what your asking.
George: That's exactly my point.
Security Guard: Well who wouldn't?
George: Cause I tell you, frankly, I would like to walk in hear one day and find you sitting down. [heads for the exit] That would give me a lot of pleasure. Call me crazy.

Quote from Kramer

Mr. Star: Gentlemen, come in. Now, we don't want to take up much of your time. Let's make this short and sweet. We're prepared to offer you all the free coffee you want in any of our stores throughout North America and Europe, Plus..
Kramer: I'll take it!

Quote from George

Jerry: I just wish I could figure out if this guy is trying to keep me out of Tuscany.
George: Of course he is. There's got to be houses for rent in Tuscany. Do you know how big Tuscany is?
Jerry: I have no idea.
George: It- It's huge. It's probably like North Dakota.
Jerry: Oh, no way it's that big.
George: It's a big region.
Jerry: Do you know how big North Dakota is, stupid?
George: I don't know why I bother even talking to you.
Jerry: Hey, no one's got a gun to your head.
George: All right.

Quote from George

Clerk: Excuse me. Can I help you?
George: Nope. Just a, giving a chair to the security guard.
Clerk: Did Mr. Ross tell you to do this?
George: What's your name?
Clerk: Evan Fane.
George: I'm engaged to Mr. Ross' niece. I'm probably gonna be taking over this whole place someday, so if I were you I would stay on my good side.
Clerk: I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know.
George: Innocent mistake.


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