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‘The Maestro’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Seinfeld: The Maestro

703. The Maestro

Aired October 5, 1995

Elaine starts dating a conductor who insists people call him Maestro. George feels bad for a security guard who must stand all day. Meanwhile, Kramer gets a lawyer, Jackie Chiles (Phil Morris), for his suit against a coffee shop.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Kramer: Well, you know, they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theater. So I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in.
Jackie Chiles: Yeah, see, they like to sell their own coffee.
Kramer: Yeah, now is that going to be a problem?
Jackie Chiles: Yeah, that's going to be a problem. It's gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It's an infringement on your constitutional rights. It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.
Kramer: It's definitely preposterous.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I've never been any place in my life where there was absolutely no coffee. And people are constantly trying to give you coffee. "Who's having coffee? Can I get you some coffee?" Coffee's one of the only things you can have that people continue to try and give it to you. Waitresses are constantly coming over, "Can I warn it up for you? Can I top it off?" It's like, you could lift up a manhole cover: "We just made a fresh pot, would you like some?" This liquid has taken over humanity. There are coffee machines we have to call "mister". "Coffee anyone?" "Hey, that's Mr. Coffee to you."

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If you're gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.
Kramer: I guess I screwed up, Jackie?
Jackie Chiles: You're damn right you screwed up. Where the hell did you get that damn balm from anyway?
Kramer: The Maestro.
Jackie Chiles: The who? What are you talking about, Maestro?
Kramer: My friend. He's a conductor.
Jackie Chiles: Oh, oh. So a Maestro tells you to put a balm on and you do it?
Kramer: Well my stomach was burning.
Jackie Chiles: I tell you what this is. This is a public humiliation.
Kramer: Well, I didn't know the balm was gonna work.
Jackie Chiles: Do you know what a balm is? Have you ever seen a balm? Didn't you read the instructions?
Kramer: Well I ...
Jackie Chiles: [interrupts] No one can tell what a balm's gonna do. They're unpredictable.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: "I'll take it"? "I'll take it"? Who told you to take it? Did I tell you to take it?
Kramer: No.
Jackie Chiles: I know the Maestro didn't tell you to take it. He wasn't there.
Kramer: Well, I thought we were lucky to get anything.
Jackie Chiles: Free coffee?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie Chiles: I don't want free coffee. It's not hard to get coffee. I can get my own damn coffee. I wanted to hear what came after that "plus".
Kramer: Well, I didn't hear any Plus.
Jackie Chiles: Twenty years practicing law I've never experienced anything like this.
Kramer: Look, Java World. [to the cabbie] Hey, listen, I'm gonna get out here. I'm gonna get myself a free cafe latte.

Quote from George

George: Well, it was tough to get a good read, but I think if I brought him a chair, he'd sit.
Jerry: So are you gonna get him a chair?
George: Yup. It's really just a question of what kind. Thinking about a bar stool.
Jerry: Yeah, that would give him some height, be able to check things out. With a back or without.
George: Oh, I think I'd go for the back.
Jerry: Swivel?
George: I suppose he could swivel. Hey, maybe one of those director's chairs. What do you think of those?
Jerry: I thinks it's kind of a pompous look. You know, my parents used to have a kitchen chair that would have been perfect.
George: You mean one of those vinyl things?
Jerry: Yes.
George: Vinyl, yeah. Maybe.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Kramer: Well, I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.
Jackie Chiles: Was there a top on it?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie Chiles: Now, did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you?
Kramer: No. They put the top on.
Jackie Chiles: And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you? [over intercom] Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a caffe latte with a top. We're gonna run some test on that top.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Jackie Chiles: Have you been to the doctor?
Kramer: Uh, no. No, I haven't.
Jackie Chiles: [over intercom] Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.
Kramer: So, uh, what do you think Mr. Chiles?
Jackie Chiles: Jackie.
Kramer: Jackie. I mean, we got a chance?
Jackie Chiles: Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you gonna walk outta there a rich man.

Quote from Susan Ross

George: I don't like it, it's red. It it's too flashy.
Susan Ross: Well, you could use a little flash.
George: All right. Don't change me. Susan, don't change me. You know, there are a lot of woman that would love to be in your position right now.
Susan Ross: Name one.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So what about the "Maestro" stuff. Did he make you call him Maestro?
Elaine: Yeah, I called him Maestro.
Jerry: You didn't mind?
Elaine: Well, I did at first, but actually I kind of got used to it.
Jerry: Okay, from now on I want you to call me, "Jerry the Great".
Elaine: I am not calling you "Jerry the Great".
Jerry: Why not? You call him Maestro.
Elaine: He is a Maestro.
Jerry: Well, I'm great.

Quote from Jackie Chiles

Kramer: So you know, my friend and I we were going to the movies and we stopped off and bought this caffe latte.
Jackie Chiles: Hmm-hmm. Oh, what is that like Italian coffee?
Kramer: Yeah, that's right.
Jackie Chiles: Half milk, half coffee?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie Chiles: Hmm-hmm. You take a sip?
Kramer: Yes, I did.
Jackie Chiles: Now, when you took a sip, did you notice it was hot? Were you able to sip it in your normal fashion?
Kramer: No, I wasn't able to sip it in my normal fashion.
Jackie Chiles: Hmm-hmm. All right, all right. You take big sips?
Kramer: Well, I think I take normal sips.
Jackie Chiles: O.K. You take normal sips. Nothing wrong with that. Then what happened?

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