[stand-up:]
Jerry: Can you give me an explanation as to why the pharmacist has to be two-and-a-half feet up above everybody else? What the hell is he doing, he can't be down there on the floor with you and me? Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear physicists, we're all on the same level. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half
feet up. "Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread out, give me some room." The only hard part of his whole job that I could see is typing everything onto that little tiny label. He has to try and get all the words on there, keep the paper in the... It's a little piece of paper, in the roller of the typewriter. Oh no, he's gotta be two-and-a-half feet up. "Yeah, I'd like to get this prescription filled." "All right. You wait down there. Only I'm allowed up here."

Jerry: Isabel? She is the most despicable woman I have ever met in my life. I have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.
George: You're not letting him win, he wins till you're forty.
Jerry: Then what?
George: He still wins but it's not a blowout.

Landlord: Hello?
Elaine: Oh, uh, hi. I'm Wanda Pepper, I'm Albert Pepper's daughter. My father asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him.
Landlord: Oh, hello, Miss Pepper. It's a pleasure to meet you. And you must be Professor Van Nostrand?
Kramer: Yes. Yes, I am.
Landlord: I've read your book, Professor, and I was quite intrigued by it.
Kramer: Uh, yes. Well, it's, uh, very intriguing.
Landlord: Tell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter?
Kramer: My contention?
Landlord: Yes, your contention.
Kramer: Yes, that's my contention.
Elaine: I heard him contend that.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The technical term for a nose job is... rhinoplasty. Rhino, okay? Do we really need to insult the person at this particular moment of their lives? They know they have a big nose. That's why they're coming in. Do they really need the abuse of being compared to a rhinoceros on top of everything else? When someone goes in for a hair transplant, they don't go, "We're going to perform a cue ball-ectomy on you, Mr. Johnson. We're going to attempt to remove the skinheadia of your chrome-domus, which is what the technical term..."

Elaine: Daddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe.
Landlord: He is a fine dresser and I'm sure I don't have to tell you he's quite popular with the ladies.
Elaine: My father, really? I had no idea.
Landlord: Yes, they're crazy about him. There was one in particular, came around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, Professor. Could have been your mother. What was her name again? Carter? Kramer! That's it, Babs Kramer. Nasty woman, many a night I had to throw her out on the street, drunken stumblebum.
Kramer: You don't say?
Elaine: I found it!
Landlord: The woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking Colt 45 from a can. Her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, "Come back to bed, Albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of Danish!"
[later:]
Kramer: So I grabbed the guy by the collar.
Elaine: Yeah, and I yelled out, "Kramer, Kramer, you're killing him!"
Jerry: So I assume the jig was up.
Elaine: Yeah, pretty much.

Kramer: So my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house so, you know, she gives it to me. Well, two years later he shows up and he takes it back. And now he's in prison. He got arrested for mail fraud. So, Elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison.
Elaine: Won't the landlord know I'm not the daughter?
Kramer: No, he's never met her. She's in California.
Elaine: Are you coming with me?
Kramer: Oh, yeah yeah, I have to. I'm your fiance, Peter Von Nostrand.
George: Why don't you just commit yourself already?

Audrey: What is so special about this jacket?
Elaine: He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women.
Audrey: What's the smudge on your hand?
Kramer: Oh, I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. Yeah, I'm going back there tonight. You know, I'm not gonna pay another cover charge.
George: What, you didn't wash all day?
Kramer: Yeah, I washed, just not the hand. You wouldn't believe the women at this club. Ooh, man.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: But what would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About thirteen seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry. Your rear end is too big." "That's okay, your breath stinks anyway. See you later. No problem. Good-bye. Okay. Thank you very much."

Jerry: So I'm never gonna see her again, I'm going cold turkey.
George: Good for you.
Jerry: I'll tell you, the sex... I mean, I was like an animal. I mean it was just completely uninhibited.
George: It's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring.
Jerry: It's not like that at all.

Audrey: Remember we talked about taking a trip together?
George: We did?
Audrey: Yeah, we talked about going to Hawaii?
George: Hawaii?
Audrey: Anyway, I think it would be great to get away after all this.
George: [removes glasses] You know, Hawaii could be a little tricky right now. There's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, so there's a lot of debris constantly flying around. Wood, and uh, lava, pretty dangerous.
Audrey: I never heard that.
George: Oh, yeah. My friend lived there so...
Audrey: We could go to the Caribbean.
George: You know, I have to tell you something. You couldn't get me on a plane right now. I get those FAA reports directly. My uncle sends them to me, he used to be a pilot, so... Big investigation in the, uh, what's the word there, uh, offing. It's in the offing. But, you know, you shouldn't let that stop you from going. You could go. I don't mind.
Audrey: George, I don't think this is working.