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‘The Susie’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Susie

815. The Susie

Aired February 13, 1997

Elaine doesn't correct a colleague who calls her Susie. George tries to avoid his girlfriend who "needs to talk". Meanwhile, Kramer gambles with Jerry's money.

Quote from George

[George is eating popcorn as he watches TV. He doesn't break his concentration as his phone rings and his answering machine picks up]
George: [on answer phone, to tune of "The Greatest American Hero"] Believe it or not George isn't at home Please leave a message At the beep I must be out Or I'd pick up the phone Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.

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Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Mr. Peterman, Peggy. I guess we should just get this over with.
J. Peterman: Just hold on a minute. We're still one short.
Elaine: No, we're not.
Peggy: Susie has been very rude to me.
J. Peterman: Well, Elaine has nothing but good things to say about Susie.
Elaine: Look. We don't have to name names or point fingers... or name names. Me and her have had our problems. She and I have had our problems. You and I and she and you.
J. Peterman: Don't you drag me into this. This is between you and her and her.
Elaine: Yes. And I am convinced that if she were here with us today, she would agree with me too.
J. Peterman: Who?
Elaine: Her.
J. Peterman: Where is she?
Elaine: This is part of the problem.
Peggy: I thought I was part of this problem.
Elaine: You're a huge part of the problem. But I think that at its core this is a Susie-and-Elaine problem that requires a Susie-and-Elaine solution. And who better to do that than... Elaine and Susie, Susie and Elaine.
J. Peterman: Well, now that we have that cleared up... why don't the three of us have lunch?
Elaine: [loudly] What? Oh, I'm coming. I gotta go. [runs off]
J. Peterman: [to Peggy] She is the best. What was your name again?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Look how dark it's getting already.
Jerry: Well, it's not daylight-savings time yet.
Kramer: When does it start?
Jerry: I don't know. They just tell you the night before.
Kramer: Well, I'm sick of waiting. I am springing ahead right now.
Jerry: Oh, I'm sure that won't cause any problems.

Quote from George

Jerry: [on the phone] Pick up. I know you're screening for Allison.
George: Hey.
Jerry: So coffee shop?
George: No, I can't. She knows I go there. It's not secure. Hey, I got another call coming in. I gotta let the machine get it. Bye.
George: [on machine again] Believe it or not George isn't at home Please leave a message At the beep I must be out Or I'd pick up the phone Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home
Allison: George, are you there? I hate that stupid message. I know you're avoiding me. I'm at the office. Please call me. I've gotta talk to you.
George: [dials phone] Hi, Allison. Oh, I guess you're not at home. I probably should have tried you at the office. Anyway, good to hear from you. Really looking forward to the ball. [hangs up, laughs]
George: [dials phone] Hi, Allison. Oh, I guess you're not at home. I probably should have tried you at the office. Anyway, good to hear from you. Really looking forward to the ball. Can you believe this woman?

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: And also much like me, Susie hated going to the market.
J. Peterman: Elaine, may I say a few words?
Elaine: Oh, God, yes, Mr. Peterman.
J. Peterman: I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Susie. And most of all, I will never forget that one night... working late on the catalog... just the two of us, and we surrendered to temptation. And it was pretty good.
Jerry: [to Peggy] Yeah, but he didn't sleep with both of them.
J. Peterman: But I never heard her cries for help... and now Susie is gone.
Mike: Hold on! Susie didn't commit suicide. She was murdered... by Jerry Seinfeld!
Jerry: [to Peggy] Not only that, I broke his thumbs.

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: Elaine, guess what. I've decided to form a charitable foundation in Susie's honor, and as Susie's best friend, I want you to be involved.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I'm Susie. She's me.
J. Peterman: I feel the same way. And that's why this foundation will meet around your schedule. Nights, weekends, every free moment you have. [exits]
Elaine: [screams to the heavens] Suz!

Quote from Elaine

Peggy: Susie. Susie.
Elaine: Hi, Peggy. Look, I should have said this yesterday...
Peggy: Did you get this memo from Elaine Benes?
Elaine: Yeah. See-
Peggy: You know, it's amazing Peterman hasn't fired that dolt. She practically ran the company into the ground.
Elaine: Well, I thought she did a pretty good job.
Peggy: I heard she was a disaster, Suz.
Elaine: Lookit. It's not Suz, all right? It's Susie. My name is Susie!

Quote from Jerry

Peggy: Oh, my God. Susie?
Elaine: I'm not Susie. I'm Elaine.
Peggy: But I've been calling you Susie.
Elaine: Hadn't noticed. Excuse me. [walks off]
Peggy: I guess I never met Susie.
Jerry: Suz? I actually had a little thing with her for a while. [points to Elaine] Her too.

Quote from George

George: Hey, if I were a gigolo, how much do you think I could charge a night?
Elaine: Here or in Japan?
George: What's the difference?
Elaine: Well, the Japanese are more enlightened. They can see beyond the physical.
George: Forget Japan. How much would you pay?
Elaine: Oh, I don't know. A dollar.
George: I think I'm worth at least 300.
Elaine: Oh, I don't think so.
George: Hey, that's for all night.
Elaine: I know.
George: You're demeaning me.
Elaine: You're a gigolo.
George: Well, you hired me. I'm the victim here.
Elaine: Did I force you into this life?
George: Yes. You and every woman like you.

Quote from Kramer

Mike: Jerry's still mad about that phony thing?
Kramer: Are you kidding? It's all water near a bridge.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: You won't believe this, but as I'm leaving, she calls me Susie.
Jerry: I don't see you as a Susie. Sharon, maybe.
Elaine: What am I, a bulimic, chain-smoking stenographer from Staten Island?
Jerry: Who are you describing?
Elaine: Someone I know.
Jerry: Named Sharon?
Elaine: I'd rather not say.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You taking Allison?
George: Yes, of course I'm taking Allison. This woman is genetically engineered to go to a ball. Tall, blond, lithe.
Jerry: Live?
Elaine: Lithe.
George: Live?
Elaine: Lithe.
Jerry: Oh, lithe.
Elaine: Well, you two will have a great time.
Jerry: It can't be worse than this.

Quote from George

George: Wait till you see the dress that she's got. It's backless. I'm finally gonna make a great entrance.
Elaine: Backless? You gonna back her in?
George: Elaine, when a woman makes a ball entrance, she twirls.
Elaine: She's not gonna twi...
George: She'll twirl.

Quote from George

Jerry: She wants to talk?
George: She doesn't want to. She needs to talk.
Jerry: Nobody needs to talk.
George: Who would want to? She tried to end it with me, Jerry.
Jerry: What did you do?
George: I told her I was out of soda. I went out to get some, and I never went back.
Jerry: All night?
George: Yeah, I slept at my parents' house.
Jerry: And she wants to break up with you.
George: [chortles] Can you believe it?

Quote from George

George: I'm supposed to be having lunch with her now at Pomodoro.
Jerry: Uh-oh. Everybody breaks up at Pomodoros.
George: So, what am I gonna do?
Jerry: You really like this girl?
George: No, I like the ball. This is my one chance to make a great entrance. My whole life, I've never made a great entrance.
Jerry: You've made some fine exits. So, what? You can't keep avoiding her.
George: Why not? If she can't find me, she can't break up with me. And if we're still going out, she has to go to the ball.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Hey, I thought you went to the game.
Kramer: No, I was kicked out for fighting with one of the players.
Jerry: Wait. Wait. Wait. Who?
Kramer: Reggie Miller.
Elaine: Cheryl Miller's brother?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: Hey, hey, hey. Wait. Wait. Wait. What happened?
Kramer: Well, first of all, for some reason, they started the game an hour late. And, I don't know, I was sitting next to Spike Lee. He and Reggie were jawing at each other. I got involved.
Jerry: Wait. Wait. Wait. What do you mean, "involved"?
Kramer: Well, I ran out onto the court and threw a hot dog at Reggie Miller. Involved. Then they threw me and Reggie and Spike out of the game.
Elaine: So that's it?
Kramer: Well, you know, I felt pretty bad about everything. Then the three of us went to a strip club.

Quote from J. Peterman

Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me?
J. Peterman: Apparently Peggy down in Design got into a little bit of a tiff yesterday with somebody named Susie.
Elaine: Susie.
J. Peterman: Yes. And between you, me and the lamppost, and the desk... Peggy says this Suz isn't much of a worker.
Elaine: It's Susie.
J. Peterman: Nevertheless, Elaine, the house of Peterman is in disorder. First thing tomorrow morning, I wanna see you, Peggy and Susie right here in my office.
Elaine: All of us?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [sings] Believe it or not George isn't at home

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: So Peterman bought it? I can't believe you got away with that.
Elaine: Well, I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.
Jerry: Yeah, I know how you feel.

Quote from Elaine

J. Peterman: Elaine, where's Susie? I want her to head up our new fingerless-glove division.
Elaine: Oh, but I thought I was in line for that assignment.
J. Peterman: Mmm... No.
Elaine: All right, then, I was gonna wait to tell you this, but last night, Susie.... She took her own life.
J. Peterman: Oh!

Quote from Kramer

George: Where's Allison?
Kramer: No, Allison, she didn't wanna come.
George: But you took me back.
Kramer: Well, yeah, I did, but she's a tough nut. How do you like the tuxedo? It's a rental, but I've had it for 15 years. All right.


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