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‘The Masseuse’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Masseuse

509. The Masseuse

Aired November 18, 1993

Jerry can't believe his masseuse girlfriend won't give him a massage. George won't let it go when Jerry's girlfriend doesn't like him. Meanwhile, Elaine dates someone who shares a name with a serial killer.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: If there's a serial killer loose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards. Right? "Oh, he was kind of quiet." I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering, just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down. And all these women who always fall in love with the serial killer. They write to him in prison. Here's a woman who's hard to disappoint. I guess she's only upset when she finds out he's stopped killing people and she goes, "You know, sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore".

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Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Oh, the risotto broad.
Jerry: Yeah. He's really got a good thing with her. In fact I'm doubling with them tonight.
Elaine: I thought you didn't like double dates.
Jerry: George likes them. He feels it's a good personality showcase. He likes a date to see him with a friend so she can get a window into his non-date personality.
Elaine: I've looked through that window and screamed at him to shut the blinds.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [on the phone] No, eight years isn't such a long streak.
Elaine: It isn't?
Jerry: No, I haven't vomited in thirteen years.
Elaine: Get out!
Jerry: Not since June 29, 1980.
Elaine: You remember the date?
Jerry: Yes, because my previous vomit was also June 29th... 1972. That's why during the '80 vomit, I was yelling to George: "Can you believe it? I'm vomiting on June 29th again."
Elaine: Boy, you know when Joel told me he hadn't thrown up in eight years, I was wondering if he was normal.
Jerry: Oh, Elaine, he's normal. Your boyfriend is a normal guy. He just happens to have the same name as one of the worst serial killers in the history of New-York.

Quote from Elaine

Joanne: Hi, we just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop.
Elaine: Oh, yeah?
Joanne: Yeah. What's his name?
Elaine: Joel.
Joanne: Joel what?
Elaine: Uh... [coughs] Rifkin.
Michael: Rifkin? Joel Rifkin?
Elaine: Yeah. It's just a coincidence, obviously.
Michael: Guess you better keep on his good side.
Elaine: Very funny. That's very funny.
Joanne: I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you.
Elaine: All right. Well that's enough of that. That's enough.
Michael: Hey, Elaine listen. If you smell anything decaying in the trunk of his car...
Elaine: [yells] Okay, look this is my boyfriend we're talking about, okay? And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eight years so just shut up about him! Shut up, okay?!

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: And you're taking...
Jerry: Jodi the masseuse.
Elaine: Hey, did you get a massage yet?
Jerry: No! How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage?
Elaine: Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't wanna to give them on dates.
Jerry: Yeah, I know. She just wants to have sex.
Elaine: So what?
Jerry: So? Well, it's like going to Idaho and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idaho, I want a potato.

Quote from George

George: So I go into this clothing store, and the saleswoman is wearing this [whistles] low cut thing. So I said to her, "Can I ask you a question? When you put on a top like that, what's your thought process? What's going on in your mind?"
Karen: [laughs] That is so funny.
George: [to Jodi] You're listening to this?
Jodi: [flatly] Yeah. I heard you.
Jerry: [to Jodi] My neck is killing me. Right in this spot. Very tender over here.
Jodi: [to George] So what did she say?
George: Well, nothing. I didn't actually say that. [Karen is still laughing]
Jodi: You just said that you said it.
George: Sweetheart, I was exaggerating.
Karen: I'm learning a lot about you tonight, George. I've never seen you like this.

Quote from George

George: You know, it's like you never see a really attractive woman getting a traffic ticket.
Jodi: How can you say that? My sister got a ticket last week. Are you saying she's not attractive?
George: Well, I've never met your sister but obviously these are not hard-and-fast rules. [to the waitress] Darling, the tea is getting a little cold sweetheart.

Quote from George

George: I was personable. Don't you think I was personable?
Karen: You were extremely personable.
George: I thought I picked up a little something. I'm very good at this. Did you pick up anything?
Karen: I didn't pick up anything.
George: The second time I sent the noodle back, I thought she made a face...
Karen: I didn't see a face.
George: I thought I saw a face.
Karen: Anyhow, what is the difference?
George: No difference. I could care less. She's Jerry's girlfriend.
Karen: George, George, instead of talking about this, we could be... you know...
George: So you think she likes me?

Quote from Elaine

Joel: Uh, boning up on football?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah. You know what? There are a lot of players named Dion these days. What a cool name, Dion. If I were gonna change my name, I'd go with Dion.
Joel: Dion Benes?
Elaine: Well, as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, let's say I was you. And I decided I was gonna change my name for no real reasons whatsoever... Dion Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool.
Joel: D-Dion Rifkin?
Elaine: Well, maybe you're not the Dion type. Okay, then let's see, let's see, what do we got? Oh! Oh, oh, oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! Oh, you don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh please, please, please change your name to O.J.! Please, it would be so great!
Joel: Elaine! What is going on?

Quote from George

George: Uh-huh. Why didn't she like me?
Jerry: Not everybody likes everybody!
George: I tried to be nice. I wasn't nice?
Jerry: You were very nice!
George: I bent over backwards for that woman! Is it because of that thing I said about her sister?
Jerry: It has nothing to do with her sister.
George: I don't even know her sister. But believe me, if she's getting traffic tickets, she's not that good-looking!

Quote from George

George: No one hails a cab like me. My hailing technique is unmatched. I get the wrist going from side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up. [a cab stops] All right, here we go. Let me get door. Feminists aside, I know women like the door holding. Here we are. All righty. Okay. Jodi, let's get together again real soon and say hello to your sister for me.
Jodi: You've never met.
George: Whatever. Believe me, babe, if I wasn't involved right now, I wouldn't mind being set up. Something tells me she's a knockout. [waves]

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Uh, yeah, a ticket for Kramer.
Ticket Man: Here it is. I need some I.D.
Kramer: Oh, yeah. [snaps fingers] You know, I forgot my wallet.
Ticket Man: Well, I can't give it to you then.
Kramer: Are you kidding me?
Ticket Man: I'm afraid not.
Kramer: Come on, just look at me. Tell me I'm not Kramer.
Ticket Man: I'm sorry. I need proof.
Kramer: Look, I'll drive out here tomorrow and I'll show the I.D. I got nothing to do all day.
Ticket Man: Neither do I. But without I.D., I need confirmation from the person who left the ticket.
Kramer: Where is a phone?

Quote from George

George: So I lugged that table. That big heavy massage table all the way down to the cab! You ever seen one of those things?
Karen: Of course.
George: Well, I don't know. Maybe you haven't. You know, not everybody's seen a massage table.
Karen: What, do you think I've never had a massage before?
George: Anyway, I don't even get a thank you. I don't get it!
Karen: George, frankly, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about her.
George: I wanna know what I did to this woman.
Karen: What, you got a little thing for her?
George: No, no! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other.
Karen: What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you?
George: Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!

Quote from George

George: You know what? I should really go talk to her. Nothing confrontational. Just two adults sitting down trying to clear the air. I just know if I could spend some time alone with her. I've got to. [grabs his jacket] I've got to.
Karen: You're going now?
George: I think I can still catch her.
Karen: All right, George. I have had just about enough of this.
George: What? What are you talking about.
Karen: I am talking about you and Jodi. You're completely obsessed with her!
George: I know. I know.
Karen: Who is more important to you, her or me? I like you, she doesn't. Who are you gonna pick?
George: [ponders for a moment] I'm sorry, Karen. I know I care for you, but I just can't stand when someone doesn't like me. [goes to the door]
Karen: Well, now I hate you!
George: That I'm used to

Quote from George

George: Jerry, could you excuse us for a few minutes, please?
Jerry: What for?
George: We need to talk.
Jerry: You need to talk?
Jodi: We have nothing to talk about.
George: Look, it's no secret what's going on between us. [to Jerry] She doesn't like me. Now, Jerry, if you don't mind.
Jerry: George, anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me.
George: [turns to Jerry] Jerry, this woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.
Jerry: What?
George: She just dislikes me so much. It's irresistible.
Jerry: I can see that.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The Swedish are very big massagers. You know, they like the Swedish meatballs, the Swedish massage. They like having meat in their hands, these people. For some reason. But it's weird because they have one of the highest suicide rates. They're always rubbing each other's necks all the time. For a neutral country, they seem kind of tense. I don't really like the idea of getting a professional massage. I don't want people touching me that don't know me and don't want to have sex with me. You know, what are you bothering me for? You've getting me all loosened up, juices flowing, and then, "That's it. Okay, you're done." It's like having chocolate rubbed all over your face. You wanna go, "Excuse me. I think you missed a spot."


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