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‘The Scofflaw’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Scofflaw

613. The Scofflaw

Aired January 26, 1995

George is surprised to learn that his friend Gary (Jon Lovitz) didn't tell him about his battle with cancer. Meanwhile, Kramer helps the police track down a notorious scofflaw.

Quote from Newman

Kramer: All right. Now you listen, and you listen good. I know who you are. You're the scofflaw.
Newman: [defensive] What are you talking about...
Kramer: Ah, don't play dumb. It's me, Cosmo.
Newman: All right, so it's me. So what?
Kramer: You don't think I know how you're feeling, every second of the day? Looking over your shoulder to see if someone's coming up from behind. Sitting alone at night, knowing they could be closing in.
Newman: I can't sleep, I tell you! I can't sleep!
Kramer: Of course you can't, you poor sap! Now why didn't you tell me?
Newman: I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone.
Kramer: So you been living this secret the whole time by yourself?
Newman: [sobbing] Yes, it's been awful. I wanted to tell somebody. [pleads] Help me Kramer! Help me!

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Quote from Elaine

Kramer: [opens the door to leave] Anyway, I told Jake that you said hi.
Elaine: What? [slams the door shut] You told Jake I said hi?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: I can't believe you did that! Why did you tell him I said hi? I never said hi! [to Jerry] When did I say hi?
Jerry: I never heard her say hi.
Kramer: Well, it's uh, common courtesy.
Elaine: No, no. Kramer, you don't understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand.
Jerry: It's like a game of tag.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Hey, do you know what the whip does?
Kramer: What whip?
Jerry: The whip in the Senate, in the House.
Kramer: Well, you know in the old days, when the senators didn't vote the way that the party leaders wanted 'em to... they whipped them. "You better vote the way we want you to, or there's gonna be big trouble. [whip sound]"

Quote from Newman

Judge: Well, Mr. Newman, in all my years on the bench, I have never come across anything quite like this. I have given this matter some very serious consideration and I've decided that what's best for the city and possibly for yourself, is for you to keep your car, in a garage... [Newman bursts into tears] convenient to your home.
Newman: I can't afford that!
Judge: Afford it you will, Mr Newman. Or this court will see that your car is impounded... [Newman continues to sob] and sold at auction.
Kramer: Well, don't you worry, your honor. He's in my custody.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The big new accessory with eyeglasses, seems to be that strap, that connects in the back so you can take them on and off. Which I don't get, because I thought, if you have glasses, isn't that because you need to wear glasses? "You need glasses", isn't that what they say? I mean, an eye doctor doesn't say, "Would you care for some glasses?" When people have crutches, they don't have like a little chain attached to their belt, so they can just let go of them every now and then. Why not get a toupee with a rubber band for when you're water-skiing, the thing could just...

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: So you called the cop a pig?
Kramer: I was yelling at the litterbug. I mean, this is my town. You don't throw trash on the streets of my town.
Jerry: So didn't you explain that to the cop?
Kramer: No, I fled the scene.

Quote from Jerry

George: So, is he okay?
Jerry: Oh, yeah. He's fine, fine. He was in bad shape for a while though.
George: Huh, really? How bad? Was he on his death bed?
Jerry: No, he was on his regular bed.

Quote from George

George: Well, I wanna talk to him about this.
Jerry: That's right, you let him have it.
George: Mmm-mm.
Jerry: Who is he not to tell you about his life-threatening illness?
George: That's what I'm saying.
Jerry: His illness is your business.
George: If not mine, whose?
Jerry: If not now, when?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Oh, I just saw your old boyfriend on TV.
Elaine: Ugh, Jake Jarmel?
Kramer: Yeah. I really liked those glasses he was wearing. Where'd he get those?
Elaine: Why? You don't wear glasses.
Kramer: I know, I know. But I need a new look. I'm stagnating.
George: I have to say, as a glasses wearer I take exception to that. That's like me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in.
Kramer: Yeah, I've considered that.

Quote from Elaine

Kramer: Look, how do I get in touch with this guy?
Elaine: Well, he's having a two day book signing at Waldens.
Kramer: Ah.
Elaine: You know, we had a really bad break-up.
Jerry: The Jujyfruits?
Elaine: [emotional] Yeah, the Jujyfruits.

Quote from George

Jerry: So he's been lying to me for two months?!
George: That's right.
Jerry: What kind of person is this? There's only one other person who might be able to do something like this, and that's you.
George: Well...
Jerry: I don't even think you could do it.
George: Oh, I could do it.
Jerry: Yeah, I guess you could.
George: [snorts] Come on.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Hey. Look at you. What- what's this?
Kramer: It's an eye patch.
Jerry: You look like a pirate.
Kramer: I wanna be a pirate.
Jerry: This is Gary.
Kramer: How you doing?
Gary: All right.
[As Kramer goes to shake Gary's hands, his impaired depth perception leads him to miss Gary's hand by a few inches. Gary walks off.]
Kramer: Well, I tell you there's only one problem.
[As Kramer sits down at the booth, he misjudges the dept and almost slides under the table. He knocks a glass of Coke over.]
Jerry: Can't see on your right side?
Kramer: No. It's uh, it's itchy. [swaps patch to the left eye]

Quote from Jerry

George: Well, what d'you think?
Jerry: I really can't say.
George: No, say. I want you to say.
Jerry: It's not good, okay. It's not good. You look... stupid. I'm sorry.
Salesman: You have to realize this has not been custom-fitted to his scalp.
George: I really think this looks pretty good.
Jerry: Why don't you get a pair of white shoes, move down to Miami Beach and get the whole thing over with?


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