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‘The Hot Tub’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Hot Tub

705. The Hot Tub

Aired October 19, 1995

George's boss worries he's stressing out on the job because he purposely looks annoyed all the time. Elaine agrees to host a marathon runner who once slept through his alarm and missed an important race. Meanwhile, Kramer installs a hot tub in his apartment.

Quote from George

Jerry: I thought that new promotion was supposed to be a lot more work.
George: Yeah, when the season starts. Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy.
Jerry: How do you pull that off?
George: I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... [looks annoyed]
Elaine: Yeah, you do. He looks very busy.
Jerry: Yeah, he looks busy.
George: I know what I'm doing. In fact, Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right. [gets up] Back to work. [looks annoyed and leaves]

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Quote from Kramer

Jerry: He overslept and missed the whole race. Isn't that amazing?
George: I'll tell you what happened. I bet he got the AM/PM mixed-up.
Jerry: My money's on the snooze. I bet he hit the snooze for an extra 5 and it never came back on. [Kramer enters] Imagine your whole life riding on an alarm clock.
Kramer: Alarm clocks? I never use them. Don't trust them.
Jerry: What do you do?
Kramer: I have a, uh, mental alarm. I set my head for quarter to seven and... [pop] I get up!
Jerry: Always works?
Kramer: Oh, it never fails. See, it's based on your body clock. See, your body has an internal mechanism. It knows what time it is.

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

Mr. Steinbrenner: How are you enjoying it, George? Melts that tension away, doesn't it? You gotta get that jet on the good spot. Oh. Oh. Uh. Uh. Yes, that feels good. Yes, that's real good. Oh yeah, that's where I keep all my tension. Right down to that chicken bone. Sometimes I get my wife to just stuck her thumb right in there like a screwdriver. You know, the Phillips head, not the flat one. Oh God, those flat ones frustrate me. You got it in, but it slips out. You put it in again, slips out again. You a single man, George?
George: Well, I-I just recently uh...
Mr. Steinbrenner: I'll tell you, if you wanna get something wild going on in your life, you get a girl and bring her to one of these things. It's like four shots of wild turkey. She'll think you're Hopalong Cassidy. It was terrible about that Mickey Mantle, wasn't it? You know, we used to talk. I don't think he liked me very much, you know.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Lomez, he sold me his hot tub.
Jerry: Hot tub?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah. It's in my living room. I just gotta fill it.
George: You put a hot tub in your living room?
Kramer: Oh, it's a beauty! It's got these high-volume accusage jets oscillating and pulsating, soothing your every aching muscle. The water's gonna get over 120 degrees!
George: Is that tolerable?
Kramer: Oh, it's tolerable...!
Jerry: Isn't that the same temperature the coffee that scalded you?
Kramer: Oh, I think it's a little cooler than that. [exits]
George: He, uh, doesn't have any running water?
Jerry: I don't ask those kind of questions anymore.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Kramer, I'm telling you, Elaine doesn't know what hell she's doing! I've got to take over this whole operation!
Kramer: Jerry, look how tense you are. You need to take a soak.
Jerry: I'm not taking a soak in that human bacteria frappe you've got going there.
Kramer: Come on, I'm tellin' you, it's great. I opened up all the windows. The air is cold, the tub is boiling hot. It's like Sweden, man. Sweden!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: [inner monologue] Oh, I'm exhausted. I've been on this street a thousand times! It's never looked so strange! The faces, so cold! In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless. A bastard child, perhaps. My back aches. My heart aches. But my feet, [looks down] my feet are resilient! [smiles] Thank God I took off my heels, and put on my Himalayan walking shoes. [lifts arms in victory]

Quote from Mr. Steinbrenner

George: You wanted to see me, Mr. Steinbrenner?
Mr. Steinbrenner: Yes, George, come in, come in. George, word has it you've been cracking under the pressure. Can't cope, can't stand the heat. Spit the bit.
George: Mr. Steinbrenner, I can explain...
Mr. Steinbrenner: Oh, we all get a little cuckoo sometimes, George, I used to be like you. Beating personnel 'till they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening to move the team to New Jersey just to upset people. Then I found a way to relax. I've got two words to say to you, George. Hot tub.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I always feel bad for the silver medal winner in the Olympics. I mean, how do you live with that the rest of your life? People are gonna keep asking you, how much did you lose by? I don't even know. It was like from nopw to now. Now to now. Now, now, now. It was...! Eh, it was... and I lost. I trained, I worked out, I exercised, I did everything, I was doing push-ups, sit-ups, I never did anything but exercise and work out for 20 years, I flew half way around the world.... And that was it. It was a photo-finish! Silver, gold. If I had a pimple, I would've won.

Quote from George

Jerry: I can't believe you write for this J. Peterman catalog. [to George] Get this one: "I packed my rod and reel. 30 hours later, lost in the fjord, a welcoming smile. Thank god she spotted the epaulets on my Norwegian ice-fishing vest".
George: This catalog is all about how to score in a foreign country.
Elaine: Yeah. What do you do all day?
George: Not that much.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: So did you come up with a little stupid story for the Himalayan walking shoe yet?
Elaine: No. I'm completely blocked! In fact, I'm gonna work on it tonight. Oh. Oh no! Oh, I can't! I got that marathon runner coming in tonight.
Jerry: What marathon runner?
Elaine: You know, this guy, Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul. I met him when I was working at Pendant, editing a book on running.
Jerry: Oh, wait! Jean-Paul, Jean-Paul! Isn't he the guy who overslept at the Olympics 4 years ago and missed the marathon?!
Elaine: Yeah, that's him.
Jerry: He's from, uh, Trinidad and Tobago, right?
Elaine: Yeah, he's Trinidadian and... Tobagan.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: How do you oversleep at the Olympics?
Elaine: Ah, I know. I know.
Jerry: I mean, it's like the biggest event of your life! You'd think you'd have, like, 6 alarm clocks, paying off little kids in the village to come banging on your door...
Elaine: Yeah, well, he was pretty devastated. This is his first race in 3 years.
Jerry: Ah. That's a big responsibility on your hands.
Elaine: What responsibility? I don't have any responsibility.
Jerry: You gotta wake him up!
Elaine: Eh, he'll get up.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: I've seen her in your building.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: I didn't know she was married.
Elaine: [whispering] She's not. And the guy just took off. [makes a sad face] Don't say anything to anybody.
Jerry: Who am I gonna tell?
Elaine: I know, it's just something you have to say.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Listen, listen I'm gonna go call work to see if I can get my deadline extended. I can't come up with anything for this thing.
Jerry: Ah, catalog writer's block?
Elaine: Yeah, that's funny.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So what happened? The snooze alarm, wasn't it?
Jean-Paul: Man, it wasn't the snooze. Most people think it was the snooze, but no, no snooze.
Jerry: AM/PM.
Jean-Paul: Man, it wasn't the AM/PM. It was the volume.
Jerry: Ah, the volume.
Jean-Paul: Yes, the volume. There was a separate knob for the radio alarm.
Jerry: Ah, separate knob.
Jean-Paul: Yes, separate knob. Why separate knob?! Why separate knob?!
Jerry: Some people like to have the radio alarm a little louder than the radio.
Jean-Paul: Oh, please, man, please!
Jerry: Don't worry, it's not gonna happen again. Not if I have anything to say about it.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Elaine, what's the alarm clock situation in your house?
Elaine: Jerry.
Jerry: It's a simple question.
Elaine: I've got an alarm, okay?
Jerry: That old one? Didn't I once miss a flight to Cleveland because of that alarm clock?
Jean-Paul: Flight to Cleveland?
Elaine: It works.
Jerry: Elaine.
Elaine: It works!

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Well, you said you were gonna be here at a certain time, and you weren't.
Elaine: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And this all means, what?
Jerry: Well, it means that a man has come from very far away to compete in a very difficult race, he's put his faith in you, and frankly, I'm a little concerned!
Elaine: Oh are you?!
Jerry: Yes, I am.
Elaine: Hey, I'm not running in the marathon! He is!
Jerry: Yeah, I know that.
Elaine: Yeah, I got enough to think about just trying to come up with some load of crap for that Himalayan walking shoe! I mean, I've given him a place to stay, I'll set an alarm, but I'm not gonna turn my life completely upside down for this guy!

Quote from Elaine

Kramer: What's burning?
Elaine: Oh, God. My muffin! [opens microwave] Oh, shoot!
Jerry: What happened?
Elaine: Oh I don't know. I set this thing for 20 seconds.
Kramer: This was set for 2 minutes. See?
[Jerry raises his hands in the air, worried]
Elaine: Don't say anything! Don't say anything!
Jean-Paul: You mis-set the timer...
Elaine: Jean-Paul, it's not my microwave, okay? Okay? All right, listen, let's just go. Come on, Jean-Paul, let's go. Let's go.

Quote from George

Clayton: 'till this bastard over here says: "Let's call the sons o'bitches and go visit them in New York!" [all laugh]
George: Well, we're certainly glad that you could make it.
Gardner: I like your organization, George. We've been talking to a really friendly son of a bitch in the front office. Wilhelm, I think is his name.
George: Oh yes, Mr.Wilhelm, yeah.
Gardner: He told us that George Costanza was gonna be taking us bastards out on the town. [all laugh] I said: "That son of a bitch doesn't know what he's got in store for him!". [all laugh]
Zeke: Finish your drink?
George: Oh yeah, almost. Almost.
Zeke: Let's get that bastard bring us another round!
Clayton: You a big drinker, George?
George: Well, maybe not as much as this bastard... [points to Zeke; all laugh] I can hold my own!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Jean-Paul, I asked you down here this morning because I'm concerned. Concerned that tomorrow is perhaps the biggest race of your entire career. And the person with whom you have chosen to stay is...
Jean-Paul: What are you saying?
Jerry: I'm saying "get the hell outta there"! Let me put you in a hotel. You'll be comfortable. You'll be near the starting line. And most importantly, you'll have a wake-up call, Jean-Paul! A wake-up call!
Jean-Paul: Wake-up call.
Jerry: These people never fail. They sit in a room with a big clock all night long, just waiting to make that call!

Quote from George

George: Hey, you bastards.
Jerry: Hey, how was the meeting?
George: I really like those sons of bitches.
Jerry: Sons of bitches?
George: Yeah. That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch. Yeah, it's like uh., Boy, that son of a bitch Boggs can really hit, uh?!" (laughs)
Jean-Paul: Really?!
George: Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in the major league.

Quote from Kramer

George: What's going on?
Kramer: I fell asleep in the hot tub and the heat pump broke. Water went down to 58 degrees. I can't get my core temperature back up!
Jerry: Your core temperature?
Kramer: [to Jean-Paul] Here, feel my hand. [takes off glove] Yeah, feel.
Jean-Paul: This son of a bitch is ice-cold.

Quote from George

Clayton: [on airplane phone] Uh, is that you, George?
George: (laughs) Yeah, it's me. Is this Clayton?
Clayton: Well, listen, you son of a bitch! You know where we are? 30,000 feet above your head, you bastard!
George: What are they doing letting you bastards on an airplane? Don't they know that's against FAA regulation?
Clayton: [to his seatmates] Hey, hush up, now! I can't hear him!
George: Listen, I want you guys to send along those agreements the minute you land. Our boys can't wait to kick your butts!
Zeke: [to Clayton] When's that bastard coming to Houston?
Clayton: Hey, Zeke wants to know when you Yankee bastards are coming to Houston!
George: You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever coming to Houston. Not as long as you bastards are running things.
Clayton: Hey, uh, speak up, George, I can't hear ya!
George: [yellings] You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever coming to Houston! Not as long as you bastards are running things!
[Mr. Wilhelm runs in and grabs the phone from George]
Wilhelm: George! George, get a hold of yourself!
George: Mr.Wilhelm...
Wilhelm: What's the matter with you?!
George: Well I-I...

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: [inner monologue] "It was a cold winter's night in Timbuktu..." Oh! This stinks! [grabs shoe for inspiration] Oh, come on... come on...!...God!

Quote from Elaine

Jean-Paul: Hello.
Judy: Hello.
Jean-Paul: I'm a friend of Elaine's.
Judy: Oh, hi.
Jean-Paul: [looking at the baby] Oh, look at the cute little bastard. [the building manager enters] You are mama's little bastard, aren't you? [laughs]
[A peeved Judy walks away]
Manager: What the hell are you doing harassing my tenants?
Jean-Paul: [smiling] Oh come on, you son of a bitch. I'm just trying to be friendly.
Manager: All right, that's it! [grabs Jean-Paul] Let's go!
Jean-Paul: What...but I got a race tomorrow!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Very lucky to find this hotel, Jean-Paul.
Jean-Paul: Man, I just want to get some sleep.
Jerry: All right. Let's check out the clock. Notch good, 6:50, volume check. [music plays] What kind of music you wanna wake up to? Top 40, classical...
Jean-Paul: Man, whatever!
Jerry: How about adult contemporary?
Jean-Paul: Fine, adult contemporary. Just pick one.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [on the hotel phone] Yeah, this is room 419. I'd like a wake-up call for 6:50 AM tomorrow morning.
Man: Yes, sir.
Jerry: That's room 419. 6:50 AM. Four... one... nine...
Man: Yes, I got it sir. You only had to say it once.
Jerry: I know, but it's a very important wake-up call, and I don't want to take any chances.
Man: Every wake-up call I make is important. You're no more important than any of our guests.
Jerry: Well, I just don't wanna get into a whole thing with you here...
Man: Are you through?
Jerry: Yeah I am, but I just... [dial tone]

Quote from Jerry

Jean-Paul: What is it?
Jerry: I think I offended the wake-up guy.
Jean-Paul: No, no.
Jerry: [gets up] No, no, I did. I think he's got it in for me!
Jean-Paul: Man, he doesn't got "in" for you.
Jerry: What if he doesn't call now out of spite?
Jean-Paul: It is his job!
Jerry: [sits down] Not comfortable.
Jean-Paul: For God's sake.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Feel much better here at my home base, Jean-Paul. It's a controlled environment.
Jean-Paul: It's a marathon, you know. 26 miles! I need to get some sleep!
Jerry: Hey, believe me, if I'd been with you there in Barcelona, you'd be polishing that medal right now.
Jean-Paul: I left a comfortable hotel bedroom for this!
Jerry: That wake-up guy was trouble!

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Man, that thing is noisy!
Kramer: [shouts] Yeah yeah, we're cracking along pretty good! We're almost up to 80 degrees!
Jerry: Yeah, listen, do me a favor. Set your mental alarm for 6:30 and gimme a call.
Kramer: Yeah, okay. Wait. [concentrates and then makes a pop sound] Done!


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