Jerry: Newman! Open the door, Newman. I know you're in there.
Newman: [opens door] Hello, Jerry. What a pleasant surprise.
Jerry: There's nothing pleasant about it. Why don't we just cut the crap. You gave me fleas. I know it and you know it.
Newman: Fleas? [laughs] That's preposterous. How could I give you fleas? Now, if you don't mind...
Jerry: Oh, but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your little snack bar.
[As Jerry looks in Newman's apartment, Newman frantically scratches his body behind Jerry's back. He stops as soon as Jerry turns around.]
Newman: So you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squalor.
Jerry: You know, Newman, the thing about fleas is that they irritate the skin. And they start to itch. Oh, maybe you can hold out five seconds or 10. Maybe 15 or 20. But after a while [waves Chunky wrapper], no matter how much willpower a person may have, it won't matter because they're crawling... Crawling on your skin. Up your legs, up your spine, up your back...
Newman: All right, I've got them! I'm rife with fleas!

Kramer: Well, they're in.
Jerry: What's in?
Kramer: The Mackinaw peaches, Jerry. The Mackinaw peaches!
Jerry: Right, the ones from Oregon that are only ripe for two weeks a year?
Kramer: Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I split a case with Newman. I wait all year for these. [eats peach] Oh, this is fantastic. Makes your taste buds come alive. It's like having a circus in your mouth.

Elaine: Did you read the whole thing?
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
Elaine: Yeah? So, what's it about?
Kramer: Well, it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust, and unbridled enthusiasm.
Elaine: Unbridled enthusiasm?
Kramer: That's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.
Elaine: Oh, boy.
Kramer: You see, Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy, you might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high-stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.
Elaine: Oh, my God.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You know, these pest control companies, they call themselves exterminators but they can't really do it. The best they can do is get the bugs to go to somebody else's house. They just relocate them, you know what I mean. They're bug realtors, is what they are. "I'll think you'll be happy here. There's a lot of crumbs, not much light, um, they usually sleep through the night. So you'll really have your run of the place, most of the time." Nobody really cares about killing insects. Even the animal rights people don't care. You could probably walk into an animal rights organization meeting and hear a speech like, "The only way to stop the cruelty of the scientific testing on animals is - [slaps his face] Ha! Got him! - is to boycott these companies."

Elaine: So you know what? My friend Judy recommended me for a job at Viking Press.
Jerry: Hey, good for you.
Elaine: Yeah, but get this: Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel. They've got a two-bedroom suite there for out-of-town clients. So guess what I did?
Jerry: Oh, come on. You told them you were from out of town just so you could stay in a hotel room?
Elaine: I know. I know, Jerry, but it's the Plaza. I've never stayed there. It'll be like a vacation.
Jerry: Well, be sure to catch a Broadway show while you're in town.

Kramer: Take a taste.
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Take a taste.
Jerry: I don't want it.
Kramer: Come on, just take a taste.
Jerry: I don't want it! I'm not gonna taste your peach. I ate someone's pecan last night. I'm not eating your peach.
Kramer: Jerry, this is a miracle of nature that exists for a brief period. It's like the aurora borealis.

Jerry: I think I got flea bites.
Kramer: Flea bites?
Jerry: Yeah. Look at this. My ankle's all bitten up.
Kramer: You got a dog?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Well, that is strange.
Jerry: How can I have fleas?
Kramer: Don't sweat it, buddy. I used to have fleas.
Jerry: What did you do about them?
Kramer: What do you mean?

Exterminator: Yep. They're in your bedroom too, Mr. Seinfeld. You got a full-blown outbreak of fleas on your hands.
Jerry: I don't get it. How did this happen? I don't have a dog.
Exterminator: I don't explain them, Mr. Seinfeld. I just exterminate them.
Jerry: I don't understand this.
Exterminator: I'm gonna have to seal the place up for 48 hours and fog it. That's the only way to get rid of them.
Jerry: Nobody can be in here for 48 hours? I got my parents in town.
Exterminator: Well, unless you wanna kill them... they can't stay in here. This stuff is pretty toxic.

Jerry: Well, see, the thing of it is there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
George: So, what's your point?
Jerry: I don't... I don't know.

Morty Seinfeld: Hey, how do you like this?
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, my God. Morty, let's go. This is too nice.
Morty Seinfeld: Hey, this is the kind of room Sinatra stays in. Hey, look, macadamia nuts.
Helen Seinfeld: Macadamia nuts?
Morty Seinfeld: Yeah. You know what these cost? They're like 80 cents a nut.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, are you sure this is all right?
Jerry: Yeah. It's all taken care of.
Morty Seinfeld: [o.s.] Hey, they got a phone in the john here!