Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Doodle’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Doodle

620. The Doodle

Aired April 6, 1995

George is offended by a doodle his girlfriend drew of him. Elaine needs to read a manuscript ahead of a job interview at a publisher. Meanwhile, Jerry's apartment is fumigated when he has fleas.

Quote from Newman

Jerry: Newman! Open the door, Newman. I know you're in there.
Newman: [opens door] Hello, Jerry. What a pleasant surprise.
Jerry: There's nothing pleasant about it. Why don't we just cut the crap. You gave me fleas. I know it and you know it.
Newman: Fleas? [laughs] That's preposterous. How could I give you fleas? Now, if you don't mind...
Jerry: Oh, but I do. There's probably fleas crawling all over your little snack bar.
[As Jerry looks in Newman's apartment, Newman frantically scratches his body behind Jerry's back. He stops as soon as Jerry turns around.]
Newman: So you have fleas. Maybe you keep your house in a state of disrepair. Maybe you live in squalor.
Jerry: You know, Newman, the thing about fleas is that they irritate the skin. And they start to itch. Oh, maybe you can hold out five seconds or 10. Maybe 15 or 20. But after a while [waves Chunky wrapper], no matter how much willpower a person may have, it won't matter because they're crawling... Crawling on your skin. Up your legs, up your spine, up your back...
Newman: All right, I've got them! I'm rife with fleas!

Rate

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, they're in.
Jerry: What's in?
Kramer: The Mackinaw peaches, Jerry. The Mackinaw peaches!
Jerry: Right, the ones from Oregon that are only ripe for two weeks a year?
Kramer: Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I split a case with Newman. I wait all year for these. [eats peach] Oh, this is fantastic. Makes your taste buds come alive. It's like having a circus in your mouth.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You know, these pest control companies, they call themselves exterminators but they can't really do it. The best they can do is get the bugs to go to somebody else's house. They just relocate them, you know what I mean. They're bug realtors, is what they are. "I'll think you'll be happy here. There's a lot of crumbs, not much light, um, they usually sleep through the night. So you'll really have your run of the place, most of the time." Nobody really cares about killing insects. Even the animal rights people don't care. You could probably walk into an animal rights organization meeting and hear a speech like, "The only way to stop the cruelty of the scientific testing on animals is - [slaps his face] Ha! Got him! - is to boycott these companies."

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: So you know what? My friend Judy recommended me for a job at Viking Press.
Jerry: Hey, good for you.
Elaine: Yeah, but get this: Viking has a deal with the Plaza Hotel. They've got a two-bedroom suite there for out-of-town clients. So guess what I did?
Jerry: Oh, come on. You told them you were from out of town just so you could stay in a hotel room?
Elaine: I know. I know, Jerry, but it's the Plaza. I've never stayed there. It'll be like a vacation.
Jerry: Well, be sure to catch a Broadway show while you're in town.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Take a taste.
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Take a taste.
Jerry: I don't want it.
Kramer: Come on, just take a taste.
Jerry: I don't want it! I'm not gonna taste your peach. I ate someone's pecan last night. I'm not eating your peach.
Kramer: Jerry, this is a miracle of nature that exists for a brief period. It's like the aurora borealis.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: I think I got flea bites.
Kramer: Flea bites?
Jerry: Yeah. Look at this. My ankle's all bitten up.
Kramer: You got a dog?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Well, that is strange.
Jerry: How can I have fleas?
Kramer: Don't sweat it, buddy. I used to have fleas.
Jerry: What did you do about them?
Kramer: What do you mean?

Quote from Jerry

Exterminator: Yep. They're in your bedroom too, Mr. Seinfeld. You got a full-blown outbreak of fleas on your hands.
Jerry: I don't get it. How did this happen? I don't have a dog.
Exterminator: I don't explain them, Mr. Seinfeld. I just exterminate them.
Jerry: I don't understand this.
Exterminator: I'm gonna have to seal the place up for 48 hours and fog it. That's the only way to get rid of them.
Jerry: Nobody can be in here for 48 hours? I got my parents in town.
Exterminator: Well, unless you wanna kill them... they can't stay in here. This stuff is pretty toxic.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Well, see, the thing of it is there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.
George: So, what's your point?
Jerry: I don't... I don't know.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: Hey, how do you like this?
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, my God. Morty, let's go. This is too nice.
Morty Seinfeld: Hey, this is the kind of room Sinatra stays in. Hey, look, macadamia nuts.
Helen Seinfeld: Macadamia nuts?
Morty Seinfeld: Yeah. You know what these cost? They're like 80 cents a nut.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, are you sure this is all right?
Jerry: Yeah. It's all taken care of.
Morty Seinfeld: [o.s.] Hey, they got a phone in the john here!

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Jerry, I need that FedEx right now.
Jerry: I told you to take it.
Elaine: I didn't know that it was a manuscript that I had to read.
Jerry: Well, you can't go in there. It's like a gas chamber in there.
[Kramer walks out of Jerry's fumigated apartment]
Kramer: Hey, buddy. I left a Mackinaw peach in your refrigerator.
Jerry: Kramer, they're fumigating. There's toxic gas in there.
Kramer: Toxic gas?
Jerry: Oh, you'll be fine. You were there a couple minutes?
Kramer: An hour and a half. I was reading a manuscript. I just couldn't put it down.

Quote from George

Paula: Hey, look, no shave.
George: No. Why should that make any difference to you?
Paula: It doesn't.
George: Of course not. You don't care what I look like.
Paula: That's right, I don't.
George: I suppose I could pull this out and walk around like this and you wouldn't care.
Paula: Not a whit.
George: I suppose we could go to Lincoln Center and I could wear sneakers and jeans.
Paula: You could wear sweatpants.
George: I could?
Paula: You could drape yourself in velvet for all I care.
George: Velvet?

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Did you read the whole thing?
Kramer: Oh, yeah.
Elaine: Yeah? So, what's it about?
Kramer: Well, it's a story about love, deception, greed, lust, and unbridled enthusiasm.
Elaine: Unbridled enthusiasm?
Kramer: That's what led to Billy Mumphrey's downfall.
Elaine: Oh, boy.
Kramer: You see, Elaine, Billy was a simple country boy, you might say a cockeyed optimist, who got himself mixed up in the high-stakes game of world diplomacy and international intrigue.
Elaine: Oh, my God.

Quote from George

Jerry: Oh, my God. What the hell is this? Don't tell me. Velvet?
George: It's the real deal.
Jerry: She's seen you in this thing?
George: That's right. We just had sex. You know, Jerry, I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over.
Jerry: And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.

Quote from Elaine

Mandel: Three hours of massage time, 12 in-room movies, including several adult features, five shoeshines, and $400 worth of snacks. Not to mention the damage to the room.
Elaine: Mr. Mandel, you don't understand. My friend had fleas. I ran into the gas. It could have killed me. My other friend couldn't taste his peaches. They're only good for two weeks.
Mandel: I think you've read one too many Billy Mumphrey stories. Good day, Ms. Benes.
Elaine: Okay, good day.


 Episode 619 Episode 621 
  Select another episode