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‘The Merv Griffin Show’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Merv Griffin Show

906. The Merv Griffin Show

Aired November 6, 1997

Kramer hosts a talk show in his apartment after finding the set to the old Merv Griffin show. Elaine is haunted at work by a colleague who silently sidles up to her. George's girlfriend is horrified when they run over some pigeons. Jerry dates a woman with a toy collection.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: It's the Merv Griffin set
Jerry: How did you get this in here?
Kramer: Oh, you just bring it in sideways and [clicks tongue] hook it.
Jerry: So where are you gonna sleep?
Kramer: The backstage.
Elaine: Phew! This chair smells like garbage.
Kramer: Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's, they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV. Yeah, you can take Mannix for example.
Jerry: [phone rings] I'm gonna get that.
Kramer: All right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime. Well, Elaine Benes! Well, it's great to have you! Why, is it possible that you are even more beautiful than the last time I saw you?

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Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: That noise. That's the noise.
Elaine: What?
J. Peterman: That infernal rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days, and I could not find the source. In my office, in the hallway. Even in the men's room. Shame on you, Elaine!
Elaine: No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!
J. Peterman: That reminds me of the Haitian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side have you?
Elaine: No, Mr. Peterman.
J. Peterman: Because, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can. And if you are undead, I'll find out about that too.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Oh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite a thrill, yes. Come on sit down. Yes.
Elaine: Well, I'll tell you, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide.
Kramer: Excuse me. Yeah, we're talking this way.
Elaine: Well, he's getting credit for work I did. He's gonna sidle me right out of a job.
Kramer: Now, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what?
Elaine: Kramer, what is wrong with you?
Kramer: What do you mean?
Elaine: Well, for starters, you're looking at note cards.

Quote from Kramer

George: Jerry?
Kramer: Oh. Hey. [plays entrance music] Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's our good friend, George Costanza! What a surprise! [Kramer encourages Jerry and Elaine to move up a seat] Yeah, sit, sit, sit. Well. [claps]
George: Well, it happened again.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Eh, eh, eh. I'll ask the questions. What happened?
George: Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They- They didn't move.
Kramer: All right, let's change the subject. [to George] Now, uh you and Jerry dated for a while. Tell us ... what was that like? That was the wrong card.
George: I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me!
Jerry: So they're like everyone else.
Kramer: [laughs loudly] All right, let's take a short break. [eats chips, sips cola] Okay. [checks watch] We're back!

Quote from Kramer

George: So they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.
Kramer: El Paso? I spent a month there one night.
Newman: [laughs] El Paso!
Jerry: What's he here for?
Kramer: To take some of the pressure off of me.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: So, Jerry, what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life, mmm?
Jerry: Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.
Kramer: Well. It sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?
Newman: Are you married right now?
Jerry: Actually, she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I guess she passed out!
Kramer: What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?
Jerry: She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love!
George: Oh, come on. You gotta get me over there.
Kramer: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. [Newman plays the theme music and starts eating] Jerry, now, what you do with your personal life is your business, but when you're on my set, you clean it up, mister!
Newman: I told you he was a risk.
Jerry: Oh, like he's not just carrying you, and has been for years.
Newman: Yeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs!
Kramer: Smile, everyone! We're back!

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: I just think if you borrow my blender, return it.
Kramer: Come on, we're like Cain and Abel.
Jerry: Yeah, you know, Cain slew Abel.
Kramer: No, he didn't. They were in business together. Dry wall or something.
Jerry: Oh, no.
Kramer: All right, then what was it?
Jerry: Well, I think Abel worked hard all summer harvesting his crops, while Cain just played in the field. Then when winter came, Abel had all the nuts, Cain had no nuts. So he killed him.
Kramer: The way I remember it, Cain, he was a successful doctor, but when he took this special formula, he became Mr. Abel.
Jerry: You broke my blender, didn't you?
Kramer: Yeah. Well, I was trying to make gravel and it just... It just didn't work out.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: So the whole set was destroyed?
Kramer: Well, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing.
George: Well, at least we know the prosthetic squirrel hips work. Sorry about the set.
Kramer: I'll tell you, it was a grind trying to fill 10 hours a week. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, those look familiar.
Jerry: Of course. It's garbage.
Kramer: No, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin Show! They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian!
Jerry: Yeah, or at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.
Kramer: Look at this. Boy, one minute Elliot Gould is sitting on you and the next thing, you're yesterday's trash.
Jerry: Come on, Kramer, get out of there.
Kramer: No, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in. Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar.
Jerry: Oh, come on.

Quote from George

Jerry: You ran over some pigeons? How many?
George: What ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm a butcher. But it's not my fault is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
Jerry: Of course. We have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation.
George: Right! And these pigeons broke the deal. I will not accept the blame for this.
Jerry: So Miranda's cooled on you?
George: I'm getting nothing.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Hey. What's going on?
George: Hey. [sees Elaine's coffee stain] Art Garfunkel?
Elaine: No, Castro.
George: Right.
Elaine: All because of this creepy new guy at work. He just- He just comes out of nowhere and he's right next to you!
Jerry: So he just sidles up?
Elaine: That's right! He's a real sidler.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: So three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys.
Kramer: That's interesting. You know, someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys growing up.
Jerry: Yeah, that was me.
Kramer: Oh, that's right, right, right. And, uh, you mentioned that uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had...
Jerry: An Army Pete.
Kramer: Right.
Jerry: He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split.
Kramer: And we all know how painful that can be.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste of his own medicine, so, I'm going to sidle the sidler.
Jerry: You, sidle? You... You stomp around like a Clydesdale!
Elaine: Not with these honeys. Wrestling shoes!
Kramer: Only in New York. [chuckles]

Quote from Elaine

Lou: Here's the new copy you wanted.
J. Peterman: Ah, yes. Well this certainly looks like a lot of words. In record time. I'm very impressed ... with both of you.
Elaine: [quietly standing next to Lou] Thank you.
J. Peterman: Unfortunately, I am also disgusted. This is incoherent dribble! This is a total redo and I'm assuming I need it right away.
Elaine: Well, I guess we'll just... [Lou has gone] Oh, just give me that.

Quote from Kramer

Newman: Lately, though, I've been, uh... I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans. You know, I rip of the label. I can hardly tell the difference.
Kramer: We've officially bottomed out. Who's our next guest?
Newman: We've got no one!
Kramer: We need a new foreman. We should shut down and re-tool. [pulls plug]
Newman: What about a guest-host?
Kramer: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Quote from George

Jerry: Maybe it'll be fun having a pet.
George: It's not a pet. It's a wild invalid. And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep.

Quote from George

Elaine: Who wants cupcake?
George: Oh, me, me, me, me, me!
Jerry: You know, that batter is, like, 30 years old.
Frank Costanza: [on TV] You step on it and it flushes.
Elaine: Why is your father giving a tour of a rest stop?
Estelle Costanza: [on TV] Stop squirming.
George: Oh, don't look. This is the part where they change me.
Jerry: You're like eight years old.
Estelle Costanza: [on TV] Georgie.
George: I was seven and a half.

Quote from George

Miranda: I got the nut bread, George. Let's go.
Jerry: So the squirrel's gonna make it?
George: Yeah, he's in my bed. I'm sleeping on the couch.
Jerry: Sleeping on the couch? So you're...
George: Still getting nothing! [to the pigeons on the window outside] Oh, go ahead pigeons. Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now and the last think I heard ... we have no deal!


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