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‘The Maid’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Maid

919. The Maid

Aired April 30, 1998

Jerry hires a maid. Kramer dates a woman who lives downtown. George tries to give himself a nickname. Elaine changes her phone number after a deluge of fax calls for Kramer.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Listen. Heads up, Elaine. I'm gonna have to stop by later and pick up a fax.
Elaine: At work?
Kramer: No. At your apartment.
Elaine: I don't have a fax machine.
Jerry: Here we go.
Kramer: Well, now what are we gonna do? [to Jerry] See? This is why you should get a fax and a Xerox.
Jerry: And a dead bolt.
Kramer: [to Elaine] Are you sure you don't have one? Because there's a lot of stuff in my apartment I've never seen.
Elaine: Then maybe you have a fax machine.
Kramer: You just blew my mind.

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Quote from George

Kruger: All right, the Grace building. There's a big stain on the front. How do we get it off?
Coco: When I was a little girl in Jamaica, my Gammy taught me to take a wet rag and in a circ--
George: Ah, excuse me, Vice-president Coco, no one cares about your Gammy.
Coco: What did you say about my Gammy?
George: Forget Gammy.
Kruger: Who's Gammy?
George: There's no Gammy.
Kruger: Maybe there should be a Gammy.
George: Oh, no!
Kruger: George.
All: Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy! Gammy!
George: Gammy's gettin' upset!

Quote from George

George: Well, Jerry, I been thinking. I've gone as far as I can go with George Costanza.
Jerry: Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?
George: The nickname. George. What is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.
Jerry: You mean like "Liza"!
George: I was thinking T-bone.
Jerry: But there's no T in your name. What about G-bone?
George: There's no G-bone.
Jerry: There's a G-spot.
George: That's a myth.
Jerry: T-bone, the ladies are gonna love you.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey. Well, bad news, boys. My life is over. My girlfriend's moving away.
Jerry: You have a girlfriend?
Kramer: Jerry, where have you been?
Jerry: At a rodeo. Where's she moving?
Kramer: Downtown.
Elaine: Downtown New York?
Kramer: Yeah. I don't know if I can handle one of these long-distance relationships.
Jerry: It's like 10 minutes by subway.
Kramer: I don't know. [spills drink] Well, you've got a maid.

Quote from George

Kruger: Let's order lunch. Mary, I will have a chef's salad.
Watkins: Turkey sandwich.
George: T-bone steak.
Kruger: For lunch?
George: Well, I am just a T-bone kinda guy. Love that T-bone. In fact, you might as well call me--
Watkins: That sounds good. I'll have one, too.
Kruger: Watkins, you're havin' a T-bone?
Watkins: I love 'em.
Kruger: Well, then we should call you T-bone.
George: Uh, no. No, we shouldn't.
Kruger: T-bone!
All: [chant] T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone! T-bone!

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Hey, Kramer, what was it you were having faxed to my house every 30 seconds?
Kramer: Well, I signed up for a food delivery service, "Now We're Cooking". That's a play on words. You know, they're faxing me the menus from some restaurants.
Elaine: Which ones?
Kramer: Well, all of them. It's the deluxe package.
Elaine: So this is never gonna stop?
Kramer: Well, it better not. Paid for the whole year. So, should I pick those up later?
Elaine: You can pick them up right now. [imitates fax squeal]

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: [inner monologue] I wonder if anyone knows he's here. If he just disappeared, would anybody notice?
Phone Man: All right, Miss Benes, all finished. Here's your new number.
Elaine: Ahem. 646? What is this?
Phone Man: That's your new area code.
Elaine: I thought 646 was just for new numbers.
Phone Man: This is a new number.
Elaine: No, no, no, no. It's not a new number. It's- It's- It's just a changed number. See? It's not different. It's the same, just... changed.
Phone Man: Look, I work for the phone company. I've had a lot of experience with semantics, so don't try to lure me into some maze of circular logic.
Elaine: You know, I could've killed you, and no one would've known.
Phone Man: I could've killed you, and no one would've known.

Quote from Elaine

Man: You're probably one of those women who doesn't like to give out her number.
Elaine: No, I'm not. Here you go.
Man: 646?
Elaine: It's a new area code.
Man: What area? New Jersey?
Elaine: No, no. It's right here in the city. It's the same as 212. They just multiplied it by 3, and then they added one to the middle number. It's the same.
Man: Do I have to dial a one first? [Elaine nods, so he crumples up his piece of paper] I'm really kinda seeing somebody.
Elaine: Yeah? Well, so am I!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [on the phone] I went down to Madeline's. I told her, "You gotta move, or it's over."
Jerry: Well, what happened?
Kramer: I think it's over. We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walkin', and now I'm lost downtown! I don't have any money. I don't recognize anybody. I miss home, and I don't even know how to get there.
Jerry: What's around you?
Kramer: I'm looking at Ray's Pizza. You know where that is?
Jerry: Is it Famous Ray's?
Kramer: No. It's Original Ray's.
Jerry: Famous Original Ray's?
Kramer: It's just Original, Jerry!
Jerry: Well, what street are you on?
Kramer: Hey, I'm on 1st and 1st. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.
Jerry: Just wait there. I'll pick you up. And, Kramer, stay alive no matter what occurs, I will find you!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: [on the phone] Bobby, you gotta stop calling your Gammy. Why? Because sometimes you call very early in the morning when Gammy has been out late the night before and sometimes when Gammy's not alone. Your parents still haven't said anything to you about your Gammy? [sighs] All right, here we go. [coughing] Gammy doesn't feel so good. [coughs] I think Gammy might be dying. Yep. Yep. Okay. Good-bye, Bobby. Don't call anymore. I'm dead now. Gotta go.

Quote from Kramer

Maxwell: Hey, you look a little lost. You from around here?
Kramer: Uh, no.
Maxwell: You know where you're going?
Kramer: Not really. My friend was supposed to pick me up, but I don't know where he is.
Maxwell: Doesn't sound like much of a friend. You got any money?
Kramer: Uh, no.
Maxwell: You wanna make some?
Kramer: Okay.
Maxwell: Do you know how to use a mop wringer?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah.
Maxwell: Why don't you get in the car?
Kramer: [gets in] Hi. Ah, these are soft seats.


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