Elaine: Ah! Jerry, I've been around long enough to know when I'm being worked.
Jerry: Have you slept with him yet?
Elaine: I just met him this morning.
Jerry: It's been known to happen.. I'm telling you right now, Elaine, this guy's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.
Elaine: Well, this is all very flattering.
Jerry: Like a shark fisherman with a bucket of chum.
Elaine: Okay.
Jerry: Like a shrimp farmer-
Elaine: Okay!

Jerry: Excuse me, I'd like to return this jacket.
Salesperson: Certainly. May I ask why?
Jerry: For spite.
Salesperson: Spite?
Jerry: That's right. I don't care for the salesman that sold it to me.
Salesperson: I don't think you can return an item for spite.
Jerry: What do you mean?
Salesperson: Well, if there was some problem with the garment. If it were unsatisfactory in some way, then
we could do it for you. But I'm afraid spite doesn't fit into any of our conditions for a refund
Jerry: That's ridiculous. I want to return it. What's the difference what the reason is?

Kramer: Well, how do you know he's not wondering the same thing about you?
Elaine: What do you mean?
Kramer: What do I mean? Well, perhaps he thinks that you're working him for the discount. Shaking that little butt of yours into big, big savings. And then when you get it, you know, you drop him like a hot potato.
Elaine: Oh, please.
Kramer: No, see, the two of you need to work on trust. And then, and only then, will there be a free exchange of sex and discounts. The cornerstones of a healthy relationship. And now, if you would excuse us, we need to get to bed.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I was thinking about the wig historically. I guess the revolutionary war was the last war fought in wigs. And it seems that it must have been hard. You know, they're going in to battle thinking, "Well, do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby pins?" You got to make sure you have everything. A lot more to worry about, "What if I get killed? Is my wig on straight?" I don't know when the whole wig thing came in to style for men, but I know when it went out. When the mirror was invented. No guy is looking in the mirror powdering a thatch of horsehair on his head going, "All right! Let's go rap to the ladies."

Kramer: Look, can you take me over there?
Jerry: Oh, come on.
Kramer: Come on, Jerry, It's all the way over to Twelfth Avenue.
Jerry: I didn't tell you to park in that lot. Now someone's gonna have to drive you every time you need your car? Take the bus.
Kramer: I'm not going to take the bus. That's why I got a car!

George: Excuse me. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Prostitute: Are you a cop?
George: Oh, no, no. I'm not a cop. I work for the Yankees.
Prostitute: Urgh, they stink.
George: Nevertheless. I was wondering if you and your friends are "doing business" here at the Jiffy Park? You know, what do you people call it? Turning tricks? Anyway, see the thing is, I found a condom in my car. And I'm not saying it's yours but, I just want to know if I should just change parking lots.
Prostitute: Get lost, mister. I'm trying to make a living here.
George: I'll pay you for your time. I just... I just need some information. How much do you want? Ten? Fifteen? You have change for twenty?
Prostitute: Fifteen?
Susan Ross: [walks by] George?
George: Hi, honey.

Kramer: Hmm, I'm gonna turn in.
Jerry: Turn in?
Kramer: Yeah, I had a tough day.
Jerry: It's only nine o'clock.
Kramer: Well, you know, don't argue with the body, Jerry. That's an argument you can't win.
Jerry: I can't go to sleep at nine o'clock.
Kramer: Well, you can go to your room and read.
Jerry: Hey, look, you know, you're the one who's locked out. I'm letting you stay here. You're wearing my bathrobe. You should adapt to me.
Kramer: But I'm tired.

George: Excuse me. I think I made a big mistake. I'd like my deposit back, please.
Jiffy Park Guy: What's the problem?
George: You got hookers turning tricks in my car. How's that for starters?
Jiffy Park Guy: Ah, that is all hearsay.
George: All right, very good. I'd like my car and my deposit back, please.
Jiffy Park Guy: Can't do it.
George: What do you mean?
Jiffy Park Guy: If you read the agreement you signed, the deposit is not refundable.
George: Well, does it say anywhere in the contract about my car being used as a whorehouse? 'cause I don't remember reading that clause either.

Bob: What seems to be the problem?
Jerry: Well, I want to return this jacket and she asked me why and I said for spite and now she won't take it back.
Bob: That's true. We can't return an item based purely on spite.
Jerry: Well, so fine then I don't want it. That's why I'm returning it.
Bob: Well, you already said spite so...
Jerry: But I changed my mind..
Bob: No, you said spite. Too late.

Jerry: Oh, you're staying with my friend George.
Ethan: Right, George. I get the feeling he doesn't want me there.
Jerry: Ah, he doesn't even want himself there.