George: I really think it looks good.
Elaine: Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?
George: All bald people look good in hats.
Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know men wore hats all the time then.
George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
Elaine: Well, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you?
George: No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about that first moment where I take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face.

George: All right, start looking for spaces.
Elaine: Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put it in a garage.
George: Look, I have my system. First, I look for the dream spot right in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.
Elaine: No, come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to spend an hour looking for a space.
George: I can't park in a garage.
Elaine: Why?
George: I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking. My mother, my brother, nobody. We can't do it.
Elaine: I'll pay for it.
George: You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?

Elaine: Okay. Now listen. We were at the toll booth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we paid the toll... And then we went through... And then they started to follow us, all right?! So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a great driver.
Jerry: He is?
Elaine: Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air.
Jerry: A gun?!
Elaine: I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home.
Jerry: My god, are you okay?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, I'm all right. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now it's making a clanking noise.
Jerry: Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing.
Elaine: Exactly.

Kramer: Well, I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't want to have on your bad side.
Jerry: Why not?
Kramer: Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems.

Elaine: Oh, George, there's a space right there!
George: Oh, beautiful! Look at that. The dream space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true. What did I tell you?
Elaine: You didn't even have to take it out to dinner. [both laugh]
George: All right, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key.
Elaine: Will you just park it already?
George: There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's so inborn, I can't pass it on.

George: You told him? What did you tell him?
Elaine: I did a number on him. It was a thing of beauty. You really had to have been there to appreciate it.
George: I don't believe it. what did you say?
Elaine: I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city.
George: A pack of teenagers?
Elaine: Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.
George: You are a genius. It's as simple as that.
Elaine: What can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach it but, you know it's inborn.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: At parking lots now, they have these "compact car only" spots, isn't that discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot, that's my business. There are people out there with real asses hanging out of their pants, nobody's stopping them. Nobody goes, "Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans, you can't pull that in there."

Elaine: Oh, my God. I need a drink. Do you got any Hennigan's here?
Jerry: Yeah, under the counter. What happened?
Elaine: Oh, God. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the way home. [pouring a big shot of scotch] You wouldn't believe it. [knocks a bag of chips off the counter]
Jerry: Tell me what happened.
[As Jerry bends down to pick up the bag of chips, Elaine pours the whiskey in the sink and pretends to have downed the shot.]

Mike: Hey pal, you're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to.
George: I'll die out here.

Mike: You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind of regimen?
Jerry: Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent.
Mike: [laughing way too loudly] That's killer! Killer! I love that! You gotta use that. That's a definite!
George: Oh, come on.