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‘The Parking Space’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Parking Space

322. The Parking Space

Aired April 22, 1992

George gets in an argument over a parking spot outside Jerry's apartment building. Meanwhile, Kramer is upset with George and Elaine for going to a flea market without him.

Quote from George

George: I really think it looks good.
Elaine: Ten bucks, how can you go wrong?
George: All bald people look good in hats.
Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know men wore hats all the time then.
George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
Elaine: Well, you can wear a hat all the time now. Who's stopping you?
George: No, I can't. What if I meet a woman? I'd always be worried about that first moment where I take it off and see that look of disappointment on her face.

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Quote from George

George: All right, start looking for spaces.
Elaine: Oh, you're never gonna find a space on Jerry's block, just put it in a garage.
George: Look, I have my system. First, I look for the dream spot right in front of the door, then I slowly expand out in concentric circles.
Elaine: No, come on, George, please put it in a garage. I don't want to spend an hour looking for a space.
George: I can't park in a garage.
Elaine: Why?
George: I don't know, I just can't. Nobody in my family can pay for parking, it's a sickness. My father never paid for parking. My mother, my brother, nobody. We can't do it.
Elaine: I'll pay for it.
George: You don't understand. A garage. I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Okay. Now listen. We were at the toll booth at the Henry Hudson Parkway, okay?! And there were these, like, this pack of extremely wild teenagers in a convertible behind us, okay?! And for some reason, I don't know, they just started to taunt us! And so then we paid the toll... And then we went through... And then they started to follow us, all right?! So George tries to lose them, and, and, but they were in this really like a souped up car, you know?! And so he turned off the road really suddenly and the car was on two wheels and I was just screaming! And then, George is such a great driver.
Jerry: He is?
Elaine: Oh, he is fantastic! And then they fired a gun right up in the air.
Jerry: A gun?!
Elaine: I think it was a gun. And then they followed us all the way into the city, and then they just stopped and they turned around and they went home.
Jerry: My god, are you okay?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, I'm all right. Oh, by the way, the car hit a pothole and now it's making a clanking noise.
Jerry: Well, I mean, as long as you're okay, that, that's the important thing.
Elaine: Exactly.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't want to have on your bad side.
Jerry: Why not?
Kramer: Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you've got problems.

Quote from George

Elaine: Oh, George, there's a space right there!
George: Oh, beautiful! Look at that. The dream space right in front of Jerry's building. Huh? Dreams can come true. What did I tell you?
Elaine: You didn't even have to take it out to dinner. [both laugh]
George: All right, now you're gonna see some parallel parking. How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. It's all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that's the key.
Elaine: Will you just park it already?
George: There's nothing I can even impart to you, that's the sad thing. It's so inborn, I can't pass it on.

Quote from Elaine

George: You told him? What did you tell him?
Elaine: I did a number on him. It was a thing of beauty. You really had to have been there to appreciate it.
George: I don't believe it. what did you say?
Elaine: I told him a pack of teenagers in a convertible were terrorizing us and they followed us into the city.
George: A pack of teenagers?
Elaine: Yeah, by the time I got to the end of the story, he was to relieved that we were alive he couldn't care less about the car.
George: You are a genius. It's as simple as that.
Elaine: What can I say, you know? It's a gift. I only wish I could teach it but, you know it's inborn.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: At parking lots now, they have these "compact car only" spots, isn't that discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot, that's my business. There are people out there with real asses hanging out of their pants, nobody's stopping them. Nobody goes, "Hey, hold it, sir. Those are compact jeans, you can't pull that in there."

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Oh, my God. I need a drink. Do you got any Hennigan's here?
Jerry: Yeah, under the counter. What happened?
Elaine: Oh, God. Oh, Jerry it was so terrible what we just went through on the way home. [pouring a big shot of scotch] You wouldn't believe it. [knocks a bag of chips off the counter]
Jerry: Tell me what happened.
[As Jerry bends down to pick up the bag of chips, Elaine pours the whiskey in the sink and pretends to have downed the shot.]

Quote from George

Mike: Hey pal, you're not getting that space. I mean, I'll sleep in my car if I have to.
George: I'll die out here.

Quote from Jerry

Mike: You're looking tremendous. What are you on some kind of regimen?
Jerry: Yeah, twenty-five percent bran flakes. The forty percent was too much so I found a store to mix it up special for me, they take it down another fifteen percent.
Mike: [laughing way too loudly] That's killer! Killer! I love that! You gotta use that. That's a definite!
George: Oh, come on.

Quote from Elaine

George: Well, I didn't know you wanted to go to the flea market.
Mike: A flea market? You went to a flea market?
George: Hey, who's talking to you?
Elaine: We just didn't think of you.
Kramer: You said it, sister.
George: What? Every time I leave my house now I have to call everybody I know and ask them if they want to do what I'm doing?
Elaine: People forget. Look at Home Alone. They forgot.

Quote from George

Jerry: I thought you said you were a good driver!
George: No, no, no. I never said I was a good driver, I said I was a good parker.
Jerry: I think you said driver.
George: Parker. I never said driver. I said parker. A great parker.

Quote from George

Sid: Hey, somebody better move these cars, you're making a commotion.
Jerry: Hey, Sid.
Mike: Who are you?
Sid: Never mind who I am. I know who I am. Do you know who you are? [to George] Why is it every time you park a car in this block, everything gets disrupted and disjointed?
George: Sid, it's completely his fault.
Mike: Oh, right.
Sid: Why don't you start taking the bus?

Quote from George

Jerry: Okay, George. Come on, let's go. I'm putting it in a garage. The fight's starting in two minutes.
George: Don't do it!
Jerry: What are we gonna do, stay out here all night?
George: Yes! I'm not giving him the satisfaction, it's my space.
Elaine: Why don't you just flip a coin already?
George: No. No, this is a matter of principle. That would just be saying that anybody could just pull into any parking space any way they want. Well I'm making a stand here. I'm saying no to head first parking. I'm not putting up with that. We put up with too much crap in this city, we're not putting up with head first parking.
Elaine: You know, maybe if you hadn't been sitting there pontificating about what a great parker you were, you might have got the space.
George: So you're against me now?

Quote from Newman

Newman: You wanna know why you can't go in front first? I'll tell you why. because it signals a breakdown in the social order. Chaos. It reduces us to jungle law. [George applauds]
Kramer: When can you park head first?
Newman: Never.
Mike: What are you asking this guy for?
Newman: Who's talking to you?
George: He's right. never.
Mike: Oh yeah? What if you got ten car lengths? You have to pull all the way up to the front car?
Newman: Well, I suppose if you got ten car lengths.

Quote from George

George: [o.s.] Well, you're gonna have to go to the bathroom!
Mike: [o.s.] Well, you're gonna have to go to work!
George: [o.s.] I don't have a job!
Mike: [o.s.] Neither do I!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they think, "If I don't get this one, I may never get a space." You know? "I'll be circling for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons." I think because everyone in New York City knows there's gotta be way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. It's like musical chairs, except everybody sat down around 1964. The problem is car manufacturers are building hundreds of thousands of new cars every year, they're not making any new spaces. That's what they should be working on. Wouldn't that be great? You go to the Auto Show, they got that big revolving turntable, and there's nothing on it. "New from Chrysler, a space."


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