Jerry: I-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it!
Kramer: Jerry, you don't understand, that's the way they talk in Italy, they sing to one another. [sings in nonsense Italian]
Jerry: All right, all right.
Kramer: That's the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, it's got that sing-songy quality. It's the language, Jerry. The language.
Jerry: So why don't they talk like that now?
Kramer: Well it's, uh... Well, it's too hard to keep up, you know. They were tired.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I think the idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why to me, a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That's why the wedding vow isn't "Do you take Bill Simpson", its "Do you take this man".

Jerry: [on the phone] But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand. That's not right! What if it was the President of the United States? I bet you'd investigate. So what's the difference? I'm a comedian of the United States, and I'll tell you, I'm under just as much pressure.

George: Susan's not going tonight, you know.
Jerry: What do you mean not going? Why not?
George: I don't know. She said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket.
Jerry: Why doesn't she pay for hers?
George: That's a very good question. You know, she and I go out for dinner, she doesn't even reach for the check. That's all I'm asking for, is a reach. Is that so much to ask for?
Jerry: It's nice to get a reach.

Jerry: How come you're not dressed?
Kramer: I am dressed.
Jerry: You're going like this?
Kramer: Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something.
Jerry: I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera!
Kramer: People do, I don't.

Elaine: We're gonna miss the overture.
Jerry: [singing] Overture, curtains, lights. This is it, we'll hit the heights. Oh, what heights we'll hit. On with the show, this is it!
Elaine: You know, it is so sad. All your knowledge of high culture comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I had some friends drag me to an opera recently. You know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know. Do you really need binoculars? I mean, how big do these people have to get before you can spot
'em. These opera kids they're going 250, 280, 325. They're wearing big white woolly vests. The women have, like, the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry. Maybe that's more you're thing.

Kramer: So, huh?
Jerry: I don't know.
Kramer: Oh, come on, Jerry. It's opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The great clown. The great, sad, tragic clown. Like you.
Jerry: Well it's very flattering. How did you get these tickets? I heard they're impossible to get.
Kramer: Oh, well, I have many associates.

Jerry: I don't know. Opera, it's not my kind of thing.
Kramer: All right, you're not gonna go, I'm not gonna go. I'm gonna call the whole thing off.
Jerry: No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's not fair. What about George, Susan and Elaine? What do you need me for?
Kramer: You're the nucleus. The straw that stirs the drink. You're the magliana!
Jerry: Well, I guess if I'm the magliana, I should go.

Jerry: So I finally get to meet your pal Joey.
Elaine: It's killing you isn't it?
Jerry: Yeah, so Joey's a great lover of the opera?
Elaine: Listen, I got news for you. It's nice to be involved with somebody who's interested in something other than Nick-at-Nite. You know, he's got a grip on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted.