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‘The Opera’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Opera

409. The Opera

Aired November 4, 1992

Jerry and George reluctantly agree to join Kramer and Elaine at an opera. Meanwhile, Jerry and Elaine both try to avoid Joe Divola.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: I-I-I don't like the opera. What are they singing for? Who sings? You got something to say, say it!
Kramer: Jerry, you don't understand, that's the way they talk in Italy, they sing to one another. [sings in nonsense Italian]
Jerry: All right, all right.
Kramer: That's the way it was, you know. You listen to the language, it's got that sing-songy quality. It's the language, Jerry. The language.
Jerry: So why don't they talk like that now?
Kramer: Well it's, uh... Well, it's too hard to keep up, you know. They were tired.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I think the idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why to me, a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. That's why the wedding vow isn't "Do you take Bill Simpson", its "Do you take this man".

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [on the phone] But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand. That's not right! What if it was the President of the United States? I bet you'd investigate. So what's the difference? I'm a comedian of the United States, and I'll tell you, I'm under just as much pressure.

Quote from George

George: Susan's not going tonight, you know.
Jerry: What do you mean not going? Why not?
George: I don't know. She said she had to pick up a friend of hers at the airport. It cost me a hundred dollars this ticket.
Jerry: Why doesn't she pay for hers?
George: That's a very good question. You know, she and I go out for dinner, she doesn't even reach for the check. That's all I'm asking for, is a reach. Is that so much to ask for?
Jerry: It's nice to get a reach.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: How come you're not dressed?
Kramer: I am dressed.
Jerry: You're going like this?
Kramer: Yeah. Hey I want you to hear something.
Jerry: I thought you said people dress up when they go to the opera!
Kramer: People do, I don't.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: We're gonna miss the overture.
Jerry: [singing] Overture, curtains, lights. This is it, we'll hit the heights. Oh, what heights we'll hit. On with the show, this is it!
Elaine: You know, it is so sad. All your knowledge of high culture comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I had some friends drag me to an opera recently. You know how they've got those little opera glasses, you know. Do you really need binoculars? I mean, how big do these people have to get before you can spot
'em. These opera kids they're going 250, 280, 325. They're wearing big white woolly vests. The women have, like, the breastplates, the bullet hats with the horn coming out. If you can't pick these people out, forget opera, think about optometry. Maybe that's more you're thing.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: So, huh?
Jerry: I don't know.
Kramer: Oh, come on, Jerry. It's opening night, black tie, Pagliacci! The great clown. The great, sad, tragic clown. Like you.
Jerry: Well it's very flattering. How did you get these tickets? I heard they're impossible to get.
Kramer: Oh, well, I have many associates.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: I don't know. Opera, it's not my kind of thing.
Kramer: All right, you're not gonna go, I'm not gonna go. I'm gonna call the whole thing off.
Jerry: No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's not fair. What about George, Susan and Elaine? What do you need me for?
Kramer: You're the nucleus. The straw that stirs the drink. You're the magliana!
Jerry: Well, I guess if I'm the magliana, I should go.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: So I finally get to meet your pal Joey.
Elaine: It's killing you isn't it?
Jerry: Yeah, so Joey's a great lover of the opera?
Elaine: Listen, I got news for you. It's nice to be involved with somebody who's interested in something other than Nick-at-Nite. You know, he's got a grip on reality, he's happy, he's well adjusted.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: I'm gonna call the cops. That's what I'm doing, I'm calling the cops.
Kramer: The cops? What are you calling the cops for? They're not going to do anything!
Jerry: What do you mean they're not going to do anything? They're the cops. They gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the kibosh means? It's a kibosh!
Kramer: [indiscernible muttering] Kibosh.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Oh, God. Oh, it's you. You scared me.
Joe: Good. Fear is our most primal emotion.
Elaine: You left your door open.
Joe: I know, I like to encourage intruders.
Elaine: [laughs] What's all this?
Joe: Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you.
Elaine: Where did you get all these pictures?
Joe: I took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your office, your apartment, shopping, showering.
Elaine: Showering?
Joe: I developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to see?
Elaine: In the dark room? Uh, no. No, thank you. Not right now. I'm a day person.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Are you all right?
Joe: Why
Elaine: Well, I don't know. You just don't seem yourself?
Joe: Who am I? Who am I supposed to be?
Elaine: That's a good question, good question, it's very... existential. Who are you? Who am I? Well...

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Oh, dammit. You know, I just remembered I gotta go. I left something on. The gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere, so I'm just gonna get the, uh..
Joe: Do you know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?
Elaine: Uh, I'm Elaine!
Joe: He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him.
Elaine: Oh.
Joe: Do you think I'm a clown, Nedda?
Elaine: Do I think you're a clown? No, not if it's bad to be a clown. If it's bad to be a clown, then you are definitely not a clown. But if it's good to be a clown then I would, you know, have to rethink the whole thing.
Joe: You've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda? Who is he. I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his name.
Elaine: Oh, like any man would ever look at me, come on, I'm gonna... [Joe blocks the door] get out of here.
Joe: Pagliacci kills his wife.
Elaine: See, now that's terrible. That is not a nice thing to do at all. I don't know how this Paliachi thing turns out. But, you know, I would assume that there is big big trouble for that clown
Joe: You're not leaving.
[Elaine sprays Joe in the eyes. As he falls back, she rushes out of his apartment.]

Quote from George

Jerry: Well, well, look at you. It's a little skimpy there isn't it?
George: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.
Jerry: Ooh, that was a bad toast.
George: It wasn't that bad.
Jerry: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
George: I was trying to loosen them up a little bit.
Jerry: There were old people there. All the relatives. You were like a Red Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts.
George: All right, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that. He could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Well, what about me? If you're going like that, I'm not going like this.
George: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you think I'm comfortable here. I can't change, I've got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I cant go like this alone!
Jerry: Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to town hall than yours?
George: That's not the issue. We're friends, if I've got to be uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!
Jerry: All right, all right. I'll wear this. It's bad enough I've got to go to the opera, I've got to sit next to Ozzie Nelson over here.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?
Elaine: Cherry Binaca. It's new.
Jerry: See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular. Then a year later, they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry, start with cherry! Then come out with the regular!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, hey. What are you doing? That's my quarter.
Man: No, it's not. It's mine.
Jerry: I was just flipping it, it's mine.
Man: No, I dropped it, it's mine.
Jerry: All right, do you want the quarter? Take the quarter, but don't try and tell me it's yours.
Man: Well, it is mine.
Jerry: What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look. Here look at this. Here's a dollar here. Look, [rips dollar] there, that's how much I care about money.
Man: You think I care about money? [rips money] That's how much I care about money, I don't care about money.
Jerry: Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you just get lost?
Man: Why don't you get lost?
Jerry: Because I was standing here, that's why.
Man: Oh, yeah?
Jerry: Yeah! [The man walks away] I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I got two. I got two. Paliachi, who needs two? Pagliacci, come on, the great tragic clown. Come on, check it out. He laughs, he cries, he sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it out, all
right.
Man: Hey, hey.Are you selling.
Kramer: Oh yeah, I'm selling.
Man: Where are they?
Kramer: Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! You'll think you died and went to heaven.
Man: What do you want for them.
Kramer: All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. Cause you look like a nice guy, a thousand dollars for the deuce.
Man: I'll give you five hundred for the pair.
George: Yeah, it's a deal!
Kramer: Pfft. No.
George: No? Are you crazy?
Kramer: Look, let me handle this.
George: Five hundred dollars, that's a great deal!
Kramer: You're blowing this. The guy's a pigeon. [The man walks away]
George: Did you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you? That was a three hundred dollar profit.
Kramer: Look, I know what I'm doing here, George.
George: This is not a Metallica concert. It's an opera, all right. A little dignity, a little class. Just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and sell it.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: So, can you believe that message? Now, I've got to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Elaine: Me too.
Jerry: Crazy Joe Davola
Elaine: How do you know his name?
Jerry: What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name?
Elaine: I never told you his name.
Jerry: I never told you his name.
Elaine: Wait a second. Who are we talking about here?
Jerry: Joe Davola.
Elaine: Right, Joe Davola.
Jerry: How do you know his name?
Elaine: I've been out with him three times. I should know the man's name.
Jerry: Oh, my God, it's Joe Davola.

Quote from George

Mr. Reichman: You know, Steven Holtzman did a production in Tunis last yeas and from what I understand, the Muslims really took to it.
George: [to a man] All right, I'll tell you what. You seem like a nice guy, let's stop jerking around. Give me two hundred and fifty dollars, I've got people waiting for me, I've got to get the hell out of here.
Mr. Reichman: Scalping! I told them to put out extra security. Excuse me.
George: Hey, pop, would you buzz off? I've got something cooking.
Mr. Reichman: Costanza!?
George: Mr Reichman?
Mr. Reichman: You've still got a mouth like a sewer. Give me those tickets.

Quote from Jerry

Joe: Anything is welcome, I accept change.
Jerry: I don't have anything, I gave it to that guy.
Joe: You know, you could just say no, you don't have to humiliate
me. I may be dressed as a clown but I am a person.
Jerry: I'm telling you, the guy took.....
Joe: And I don't need people like you looking down their noses at me. I am just a street performer out here trying to make enough to get by.
Mrs. Reichman: Doctor! Doctor! Is there a doctor anywhere!
Joe: What, are you showing off to your girlfriend here, is that it?
Elaine: I'm not his girlfriend. We dated for a while, but things didn't really work out.
Joe: You people make me sick.
Jerry: That is one angry clown.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?", "I'm not working with that clown, did you hire that clown?", "The guy's a clown!".
How do you even start into being a clown? How do you know that you want to be a clown? I mean, I guess you
just get to a point where you're pants look so bad, it's actually easier to become a clown than having the proper alterations done. Because if you think about it, a clown, if there isn't a circus around them, is really just a very annoying person. I mean, you're in the back seat of this guys Volkswagen, "What, you're picking somebody else up? Oh, man!"

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Oh, there's that clown again. What does he want from me? Look, I'm serious, I'm not kidding, I don't have the quarter, that guy took it.
Joe: I don't want any money.
Elaine: I smell cherry.
Joe: It's Binaca.
Jerry: Binaca?
[When Jerry and Elaine see the real clown, they realize they are talking to Joe. They both run away.]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Come on, you gotta let us in
Usher: Not without tickets.
Jerry: We have tickets, we just don't have 'em with us.
Usher: Well, that's a problem. Excuse me.
Jerry: You don't understand. Someone's after us. A crazy clown is trying to kill us.
Usher: A crazy clown is after you? Oh, that's rich.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Susan, what are you doing here?
Susan Ross: My friend's flight couldn't make it.
Jerry: Where's George?
Man: I got his ticket.
Susan Ross: He decided not to come. He said he was uncomfortable.
Jerry: Uncomfortable? How do you think I feel? Hey, let me ask you something, how much did you pay for that ticket?
Man: $175.
Jerry: Kramer, who'd you sell your ticket to?
Kramer: Some nut in a clown suit!


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