[stand-up:]
Jerry: People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They can't get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I have to tell you that I got some very exciting news recently, and I don't know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because it's really not a definite thing yet. Well, I will tell you what I do know so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that I received, it seems... that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Well, thank you. It's very nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didn't even know I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering. You know, that's what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, "You may have already won." I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes, "You have definitely lost!" You turn it over, giant printing, "Not even close!" You open it up, there's this whole letter of explanation, "Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest."

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I don't really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because there's that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, "I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I let that stuff over there." And that's why I could never be a maid, because I would have an attitude. I'd find them, wherever they are in the house, "Oh, I suppose you couldn't do this? No, don't get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. No, this is too tough, isn't it?"

[As Ray admires the state in his apartment, there's a knock at the door.]
Kramer: [o.s.] Police! Open up!
Ray: Police?
[When Ray opens the door a crack, Kramer barges and pins Ray against the wall, face first. He's wearing Jerry's grandfather's suit and hat.]
Kramer: Freeze, mother!
Ray: Hey..
Kramer: Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! Oh, you're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods. And uh, uh... murder.
Ray: Murder?!
Kramer: Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!
Ray: I think you have me confused with somebody else.
Kramer: [tentatively] Is your name Ray?
Ray: Yeah.
Kramer: [angry] Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for.
Ray: Hey, hey, are you a cop?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! [grabs the statue] Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?
Ray: Got you? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.
Kramer: Good. Good. Let's keep it that way. [exits]

Jerry: Look at this place. I can't wait to get it cleaned.
George: I know someone who'll do it. She's good. She's honest.
Jerry: No, Elaine got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and he's suppose to do it.
George: Students can't clean. It's anathema. [off Jerry's confused look] They don't like it.
Jerry: How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

George: Oh my God, it's exactly the same!
Jerry: What?
George: When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have the recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.

Jerry: He really did an amazing job. Look, he uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid. He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups. Come here, look at this. He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How did he get in there? He must be like Rubber Man!
Elaine: There's no Rubber Man.
Jerry: Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man and Plastic Man.
Elaine: I'm leaving.

Elaine: Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then it's gone and it's in your apartment.
Rava: Maybe you think we're in cahoots.
Elaine: No, no, but it is quite a coincidence.
Rava: Yes, that's all, a coincidence!
Elaine: A big coincidence.
Rava: Not a big coincidence. A coincidence!
Elaine: No, that's a big coincidence.
Rava: That's what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and big coincidences!
Elaine: No, there are degrees of coincidences.
Rava: No, there are only coincidences! Ask anyone! [to everyone in the elevator] Are there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? [silence] Well?! Well?!

Elaine: Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food-allergy cookbook.
Jerry: Can't you talk to your boss?
Elaine: I did. He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he doesn't think you're funny at all.

George: So how long has it been in the basement?
Jerry: Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didn't want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And it's been sitting down there for three years... until he saw it. [to Kramer] All right, so, just take what you want and let's get it out of here.
George: What's in it?
Jerry: Grandpa clothes. I can't wear them.
Kramer: [pulls out some socks] You want these? Knee socks. You don't wear knee socks.
Jerry: No, go ahead.