Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Statue’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Statue

206. The Statue

Aired April 11, 1991

When Jerry hires the boyfriend of Elaine's colleague as a cleaner, the pair are put in an uncomfortable position after the guy apparently steals a statue from Jerry's apartment that George had claimed.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They can't get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.

Rate

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I have to tell you that I got some very exciting news recently, and I don't know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because it's really not a definite thing yet. Well, I will tell you what I do know so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that I received, it seems... that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Well, thank you. It's very nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didn't even know I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering. You know, that's what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, "You may have already won." I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes, "You have definitely lost!" You turn it over, giant printing, "Not even close!" You open it up, there's this whole letter of explanation, "Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest."

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I don't really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because there's that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, "I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I let that stuff over there." And that's why I could never be a maid, because I would have an attitude. I'd find them, wherever they are in the house, "Oh, I suppose you couldn't do this? No, don't get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. No, this is too tough, isn't it?"

Quote from Kramer

[As Ray admires the state in his apartment, there's a knock at the door.]
Kramer: [o.s.] Police! Open up!
Ray: Police?
[When Ray opens the door a crack, Kramer barges and pins Ray against the wall, face first. He's wearing Jerry's grandfather's suit and hat.]
Kramer: Freeze, mother!
Ray: Hey..
Kramer: Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! Oh, you're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods. And uh, uh... murder.
Ray: Murder?!
Kramer: Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!
Ray: I think you have me confused with somebody else.
Kramer: [tentatively] Is your name Ray?
Ray: Yeah.
Kramer: [angry] Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for.
Ray: Hey, hey, are you a cop?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! [grabs the statue] Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?
Ray: Got you? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.
Kramer: Good. Good. Let's keep it that way. [exits]

Quote from George

Jerry: Look at this place. I can't wait to get it cleaned.
George: I know someone who'll do it. She's good. She's honest.
Jerry: No, Elaine got this writer friend from Finland, Rava. Her boyfriend goes to Columbia grad school, and he's suppose to do it.
George: Students can't clean. It's anathema. [off Jerry's confused look] They don't like it.
Jerry: How long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?

Quote from George

George: Oh my God, it's exactly the same!
Jerry: What?
George: When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly. And, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have the recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: He really did an amazing job. Look, he uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid. He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups. Come here, look at this. He cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How did he get in there? He must be like Rubber Man!
Elaine: There's no Rubber Man.
Jerry: Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man and Plastic Man.
Elaine: I'm leaving.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Well, I mean, he was in the apartment, and then it's gone and it's in your apartment.
Rava: Maybe you think we're in cahoots.
Elaine: No, no, but it is quite a coincidence.
Rava: Yes, that's all, a coincidence!
Elaine: A big coincidence.
Rava: Not a big coincidence. A coincidence!
Elaine: No, that's a big coincidence.
Rava: That's what a coincidence is! There are no small coincidences and big coincidences!
Elaine: No, there are degrees of coincidences.
Rava: No, there are only coincidences! Ask anyone! [to everyone in the elevator] Are there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? [silence] Well?! Well?!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Well, how do you think I feel? Instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, I am proofreading a food-allergy cookbook.
Jerry: Can't you talk to your boss?
Elaine: I did. He loves Rava. Worse, he loves Ray. And he doesn't think you're funny at all.

Quote from Kramer

George: So how long has it been in the basement?
Jerry: Since my grandfather died. I was suppose to send it down to my parents in Florida, but they didn't want it. They told me to get rid of it, but I felt funny and then I sort of forgot about it. And it's been sitting down there for three years... until he saw it. [to Kramer] All right, so, just take what you want and let's get it out of here.
George: What's in it?
Jerry: Grandpa clothes. I can't wear them.
Kramer: [pulls out some socks] You want these? Knee socks. You don't wear knee socks.
Jerry: No, go ahead.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Spread out! Sread out you numbskulls. Why don't you just settle it like mature adults?
Kramer: Potato man!
George: No, no, no potato man. Inka-dink.
Kramer: Okay, start with me.
George: Yeah, good, good.
Jerry: Inka-dink, a bottle of ink. The cork fell out, and you stink. Not because you're dirty, not because you're clean, just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine.. [lands on Kramer, then completes the rhyme] And you are it! [lands on George]
Kramer: What?! Wait a minute. No, no, no. What are you doing? No, no. Oh, oh, okay. He's out. I get it.
George: No, no, no, no. I'm "it". I win.
Jerry: No, he's it. He wins. "It" is good.
Kramer: Do over. Start with him.
Jerry: No, no, no, come on, Kramer. Now, you got the socks.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: All right, you can have it. Okay, I'm gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat.
Jerry: All right, come on. Let's go.
Kramer: Hey, I'll look like Joe Friday in Dragnet. [hums the Dragnet theme song]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, you know, you owe me one.
George: What?
Jerry: The Inka-dink, you were "it".
George: It's bad?
Jerry: It's very bad.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So, where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much longer. I've got a flight.
Elaine: Oh, probably caught in traffic.
Rava: Or maybe he's dead.
Jerry: So what do you write, children's books?

Quote from Jerry

Ray: Ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. I beg your forgiveness. My tardiness was unavoidable. Rava, my love. Elaine, my dear friend.. And you must be Jerry. Lord of the manor. Ah, my liege. A pleasure to serve you. [bows]
Jerry: ... All right.
Rava: And we have to get back to work.
Jerry: I gotta get to the airport.
Ray: Your place shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, Sire.
Jerry: The toilet brush is under the sink.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Elaine, he Windexed the little peep hole!

Quote from Jerry

Ray: Well, this is an unexpected surprise. And Delight! The once and future king of comedy, "Jerry the First," gracing our humble abode. Rava, we're in the presence of royalty.
Jerry: Hey, Ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment.
Ray: But I didn't just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life.
Jerry: Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere? [all laugh, Ray laughs longer]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I think that's the statue from my house. That looks like the statue from my house!
Elaine: What statue?
Jerry: I had a statue!
Elaine: You have a statue? I never saw a statue.
Jerry: My grandfather gave me a statue!
Elaine: Since when?
Jerry: What's the difference?! That's the one! He ripped me off! This guy ripped me off!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [on the phone, whispers] Kramer! Kramer! It's Jerry! Jerry! From next door! Never mind where I am! Yes, Jerry Seinfeld!
[Jerry sees Rava enter the room]
Jerry: [on the phone, normally] Ma, I told ya, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan. Okay, bye. [to Rava] My mother. She forgot how to make French Toast. You know how mothers are.
Rava: My mother left us when I was six years old. All seven of us. He ever heard from her again. I hope she's rotting in an alley somewhere.
Jerry: [long pause] My mom's down in Florida. She's go one of those condos.. Hot down there in the summer. You ever been down there?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Listen, I just remembered.. I'm... Uh, getting a facial.
Elaine: Oh, see you tomorrow morning.
Ray: Oh, how about dinner?
Jerry: No, I don't eat dinner. Dinner's for suckers.

Quote from George

Jerry: Nope, the cop says it's my word against his. There's nothing they can do.
Kramer: Let's go get him.
Jerry: Yeah, right.
George: We can't just let him get away with this.
Jerry: Do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? He knew I was gonna know it's missing, and he took it! And of all things to take. I left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. He's crazy.
Kramer: You want to go get him?
Elaine: Well, then, if he's crazy you should just forget it.
George: Forget it? I already called my parents. I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. My mother's making her roasted potatoes!

Quote from George

Jerry: Ray.
Ray: Oh, Jerry. I can't believe you asked me about that statue. Do you know how much trouble you could've got me into?
Jerry: Well, I didn't..
Ray: Rava was standing right next to me. I never told her where I got the statue.
George: [to himself] I wonder why.
Jerry: Well, just give it back, and I won't say anything.
Ray: Give it back?
Jerry: Yeah.
Ray: What are you talking about?
Jerry: What are you talking about?
George: [to himself] What is he talking about..
Ray: I'm talking about the statue.
Jerry: Yeah, me too.
Ray: Give it back to whom?
Jerry: Me.
George: [to himself] Yeah, him.
Ray: You?
Jerry: Yeah. Me.
Ray: I'm not getting this.
George: [to himself] You already got it.
Jerry: Ray, I had a statue in my house. You were in my house. And then I saw it in your house.
Ray: What are you saying?
Jerry: What am I saying?
George: [to himself] Take a wild guess.
Ray: Are you saying I stole your statue?
George: [to himself] What a mind.
Jerry: Well, I...
Ray: I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Jerry: I can't believe what I'm hearing.
George: [to himself] I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Ray: For your information, I got that statue at a pawn shop.
George: [to Himself] A pawn shop?
Jerry: A pawn shop?
Ray: Yes. In Chinatown with the money I earned cleaning people's apartments.
George: [to himself] And cleaning them out.
[Jerry elbows George to shut him up]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Look, Ray, you were the only person in my house.
Ray: What's behind this? It's Rava, isn't it?
George: [to himself] Again with the Rava.
Ray: You want her.
Jerry: No, she's a little too cheery for me.
Ray: [angrily] She's from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?!
Jerry: I know Finland. They're neutral.

Quote from Jerry

Ray: Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?
Jerry: No, I actually find you quite charming. A bit verbose at times.
George: [mocking] "Oh, I find you so charming" You wuss.
Jerry: [to George] Did you call me a wuss?
Ray: What did you say?
Jerry: I said "luss". I'm at a "luss".

Quote from George

Ray: I would just love to take you down to the shop where I got it.
Jerry: That's not necessary. [George slams his menu down in anger] You know, maybe it's not that bad an idea.
Ray: And I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But, unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore.
George: [to himself] Singapore?! Do you hear this?
Ray: If you really want, maybe I can contact the guy in Singapore and have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over.
George: That's it! That's it! I can't take it. I can't take it anymore! You stole the statue! You're a thief! You're a liar!
Jerry: George!
Ray: [to Jerry] Who is this?
George: I'm the judge and the jury, pal. And the verdict is... guilty!
Ray: What's going on here?
George: Guilty!
Ray: Your friend is crazy.
George: Oh, I'm crazy!

Quote from Jerry

Ray: I've got to get going. I have a class.
George: Oh ho! Class, huh? At Columbia? Let me tell you something, pal. I called the registrar's office. I checked you out. They have no record of a Ray Thomas at that school! You liar!
Ray: Well, that's because I'm registered under my full legal name, Raymond Thomas Wochinski. Ray Thomas is my professional name.
George: You mean alias.
Ray: You are starting to make me angry.
George: Well, that was bound to happen.
Ray: [to Jerry] I hope you think about what you've done here today. And if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me. [going to leave]
Jerry: Hey, Ray.
Ray: [stops] Yes?
Jerry: How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle!

Quote from Elaine

Rava: Your notes are very insightful.
Elaine: The book is great. Did you go out last night?
Rava: No. We made love on the floor like two animals. Ray is insatiable.
Elaine: They all are.
Rava: Was Jerry?
Elaine: I can't remember.

Quote from Elaine

Man: Will you put that cigarette out?!
Rava: Maybe I put it out on your face! [to Elaine] It's just like Ray said. You and Jerry are jealous of our love. You're trying to destroy us.
Elaine: Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?

Quote from George

George: [on the phone] Ma, will you stop? It's just a statue! How is it my fault?! It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time. Okay, fine. I don't see why this should affect to potatoes! Okay. Goodbye. [hangs up] She doesn't react to disappointment very well. Unlike me.
Kramer: I'm not happy about this.
Elaine: Why don't we just throw a Molotov cocktail through their window?
George: There's just no justice. This experience has changed me. It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.
Jerry: Really?
George: Sure. Why not?

Quote from George

Kramer: I'm not happy about this.
Jerry: Well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice.
George: Yeah, he'll have my parents!

Quote from George

Jerry: All right, all right. What's the big hubbub, bub?
[Kramer takes the statue out of his duffel bag]
George: Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're my hero!
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: Kramer, what did you do?
Kramer: Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.
George: I feel like a huge weight's been lifted off my shoulders. [giddily] I.. I.. I feel happy! Kramer, I don't know how to thank you!
Kramer: Well, I'll think of something. [Kramer slaps George on the back, sending the statue crashing to the ground]


 Episode 205 Episode 207 
  Select another episode