[stand-up:]
Jerry: I'm not a foodie. I don't... "Oh, this is too rare. Oh, it's too salty." Just eat it and shut up. I'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having. I have eaten rotten rolls off of room service trays in hotel hallways. I have. It's not a joke. This is my life. I don't know, somebody left it. Why would someone poison a roll, and leave it in a hallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning? Why would they do that? Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in a little book. What is this? The story of the bill? "Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people..." What is this? A little gold tassle hanging down? Am I graduating from the restaurant? What is this about?

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Flying doesn't make me nervous. Driving to the airport can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're getting on the plane, if you miss that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options. You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But, when you're taking a flight, if you miss it, that's it. No airline goes, "Well, you missed the flight, we do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. Would you be interested in that? It's not a direct cannon, you have to change cannons after you land." "I'm sorry, where you goin'? Chicago? [turns the cannon] Oh, Dallas? All right, wait a second... [turns the cannon] Dallas. That's about Dallas. Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas. Are you ready? Make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you."

Jerry: Anywhere in the city?
George: Anywhere in the city, I'll tell you the best public toilet.
Jerry: Okay. Fifty-fourth and Sixth?
George: Sperry-Rand Building. 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name. She'll give you the key.
Jerry: All right. Sixty-fifth and Tenth.
George: [scoffs] Are you kidding? Lincoln Center. Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities.

[A disheveled Elaine enters the apartment still wearing her coat over her nightie]
Elaine: I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there! And then... I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this: I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.

Elaine: Do you want some of mine?
Jerry: Take some of mine.
George: Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll like it? I keep trying to like it. Like I have to like it.
Jerry: Who said you have to like it?
George: Everybody likes pesto. You walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear. Pesto, pesto, pesto.
Jerry: I don't like pesto.
George: Where was pesto ten years ago?

Jerry: Look at that guy. (Jerry grumbles as Elaine indiscreetly turns to look] I'll bet you he's getting hair transplants. Any time you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, ten to one, plugs.
Elaine: [turns around] The thing about that painting... is with the colors and um... [turns back] Oh yeah, plugola.

Kramer: [to Antonio] He's a hell of a guy.
George: This is a guy I know. Kramer.
Kramer: Habla espanol?
George: [to himself] Oh my God.
Antonio: Si.
Kramer: ¿Cómo se dice... waterbed?

Kramer: You know, cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later. You never know. They got things in their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what you gotta worry about.

Elaine: Ed's downstairs. Can I have the car keys?
Jerry: No, hello?
Elaine: Got any aspirin? Hello. Now, look it, you guarantee this car will get me to the airport tomorrow? No problems?
Jerry: Guarantee? Hey, it's a car.
Elaine: Because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem at all, I don't want to take it. Because if I don't get this guy on a plane to Seattle and out of my life, I'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me.

Kramer: No, he's not going to do anything. I guarantee it.
George: Oh, the hell with it. Let him kill me. I..
Kramer: Antonio. In here!
George: [voice cracks] Hey, Antonio. How's it going?
Antonio: Three nights ago, a gas main beneath the restaurant exploded, killing five people in my section, including the busboy who replaced me. If I am not fired that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive remarks, it would have been me. You saved my life. [kisses George, hugs George]
George: Ah, come on... [chuckles]