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‘The Hamptons’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Hamptons

521. The Hamptons

Aired May 12, 1994

Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer spend the weekend at their friends' beach house in the Hamptons. George is caught in an embrassing position while suffering the effects of "shrinkage".

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I find the human fascination with water is amazing. We're constantly going to beaches, pools, lakes, rivers. We're swimming, we're snorkeling, we're scuba-diving. We bathe in it. Our bodies are mostly made of water. Everyone's carrying around these bottles of water. It's like we can't get enough water. Unless it rains, then we're like, "Oh, look. I'm soaked. I am literally drenched." For some reason, we have a huge problem with small, flying water. It'll just stop us right in our tracks. "I felt a drop. We're gonna get caught in it! Everyone cover your water bottles. Run!"

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Quote from George

Rachel: Strange man.
Jerry: Wait'll you get to know him.
Rachel: So where is this baby, anyway?
Jerry: Oh, check it out. I guarantee you've never seen anything quite so objectionable. It's down the hall, third door on your left.
[Rachel walks in on George as he's changing his swim suit]
Rachel: Oh, my God! I'm sorry, I thought this was the baby's room. [chuckles] I'm really sorry.
George: I was in the pool! I was in the pool!

Quote from George

George: What if she discusses it with Jane?
Jerry: Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: Women aren't like us.
George: They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything! Couldn't you at least tell her about the shrinkage factor?
Jerry: No, I'm not gonna tell her about your shrinkage. Besides, I think women know about shrinkage.
George: How do women know about shrinkage?
Jerry: Isn't it common knowledge?

Quote from Elaine

George: Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry?
George: No.
Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming, afterwards...
Elaine: It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

Quote from George

George: Did she do it on purpose?
Jerry: It was my fault. I told her the wrong door.
George: I was supposed to see her. She wasn't supposed to see me.
Jerry: So what?
George: Well, ordinarily I wouldn't mind. But...
Jerry: But...
George: Well, I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold...
Jerry: Oh. You mean shrinkage.
George: Yes. Significant shrinkage!
Jerry: So you feel you were short changed.
George: Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.

Quote from George

George: You're going back to New York now?
Jane: Yeah, I have some things to do.
George: Uh huh. Uh huh. I think you spoke to your little friend Rachel, that's what I think.
Jane: So what if I did?
George: And she didn't say something to you about a certain something?
Jane: I don't know what you're talking about.
George: I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when in fact it is is all that it should be, and more!
Jane: I'm sure it is.
George: Look, you don't understand. There was shrinkage.

Quote from George

George: I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love.
Jane: Me too. I love cough medicine.
George: You see? We were made for each other. [inner monologue] It's amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right not, she'd scream and throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch it all I want.
Jane: What's your favorite?
George: Pertussin. Ever try it with club soda?
Jane: No.
George: Oh, very refreshing. [inner monologue] Sex is like joining a private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the no trespassing sign will be gone.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: And then there's Maude.
Elaine: Look at my face. Look at it. You see any lines?
Jerry: No lines.
Elaine: You know why? One word: shade.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Oh, this is interesting.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Jane's topless.
Kramer: Yo-yo ma.
Jerry: Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
Elaine: Nice rack.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?
Elaine: Uh, I couldn't look. It was like a Pekingese.
Jerry: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. And, you know, the thing is, they'll never know. No one's ever gonna tell them.
Elaine: Oh, you have to lie.
Jerry: It's a must lie situation.
Elaine: Yes, it's a must lie situation.

Quote from Jerry

George: I can't believe that you saw her before me.
Jerry: Think of me as a doctor.
George: Well, how good a look did you get?
Jerry: Well what do you mean?
George: Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police sketch artist...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.

Quote from George

George: Great, great. So anytime you want you can just visualize her naked.
Jerry: I guess that's true.
George: Stop it, stop it! This is not fair. It's not fair. I don't like this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit.
Jerry: Well, what do you want me to do? You wanna see Rachel naked?
George: Yes, yes! The punishment should fit the crime.
Jerry: You can see me naked. I can offer you that.
George: It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang and you jump out first.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Look at the work that people will do to get to the ocean. They'll fight the traffic and the heat and the parking and the hot sand. Trying to get through the waves, and the ironic thing is the ocean doesn't even want us in there. That's what surfing is. Surfing is the ocean throwing us out of itself, you see? We keep trying to paddle in, and the ocean's saying, "No you don't." The ocean is like a nightclub and the waves are bouncers tossing us out. The undertow's like a really mean bouncer. Instead of throwing you out, they take you in back and rough you up a little bit. "Oh, you wanna come in? How about coming in, like, 25 miles?"


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