George: I mean it's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one.
Jerry: Oh, so there's still hope.
George: I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.
Jerry: Oh, so hopelessness is the key.
George: It's my only hope.

Elaine: So what'd you do last night?
Jerry: Went out with George. You?
Elaine: Went out with Cynthia.
Jerry: How was it? What'd you talk about?
Elaine: Well, you know, the usual. The Federal Reserve, the rainforest. Cynthia thought we should nuke the rainforest. You know, get rid of it in one fell swoop so we can at least eliminate it as a subject of conversation.

George: What kind of hair?
Jerry: You know, long dark hair.
George: Flowing?
Jerry: Flowing?
George: Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me. [scratches his balding head]
Jerry: "Thick lustrous hair is very important to me," is that what you said?
George: Yeah, that's right.
Jerry: Just clarifying.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Have you ever fixed anybody up? Why do we do it? Why? You thought they would have a good time. And a little power trip for you, isn't it? Now you're playing God. Of course, God was the first person to fix people up. He fixed up Adam and Eve. You know, I'm sure he said to Adam, "She's nice. She's very free about her body, doesn't really wear that much. She was going out with a snake. I think that's over, though."

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I tell ya, I never really understood the importance of the conductor. I mean between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing? Do you really need somebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin? Does that really help you out? I could see how we need him at the beginning. Okay, tap-tap-tap, start. Okay, I can see how you need that. But once we're going, okay, once it's all happening, what do we need him for then? I don't see the cellist looking up, go, "I'm confused. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do." And the conductor goes, "Do this. Like this..." "Oh, okay, thank you very much."

George: Why even try anymore? There's no sense to it. I'm never gonna meet anybody. I should just accept it.
Jerry: Oh, yes, you will.
George: No, I won't.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe you won't.
George: I mean it's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like.
Jerry: Are my nostrils getting bigger?
George: No. See, why must it be so difficult? Why is there all this tension and hostility? Why can't I just walk up to a woman on the street and say, "Hi. I'm George. How are you?" Is that so terrible?
[As an attractive woman walks by, George mutters "Hi" to no effect.]

Cynthia: See, I wouldn't really mind so much, but I feel badly for my mother. I mean, if my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But, I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm forty, I'm gonna have to kill her because it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her through that.
Elaine: Well, at least you're not bitter.
Cynthia: Who says I'm not bitter?
Elaine: Aren't you too young to be bitter?
Cynthia: No, you can be young and bitter. Just maybe not as bitter as I'm gonna be ten years from now, but I'm bitter. Anyway, don't tell anyone.
Elaine: Don't worry, your bitterness is safe with me.
Cynthia: Um, order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up.

Jerry: Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from the paper. You know, they should give you a Wet-Nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints.

Elaine: What, you don't think she's beautiful?
Jerry: I don't know. What's with the eyebrows?
Elaine: You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high.
Jerry: I went out with you.
Elaine: That's because my standards are too low. And by the way, you know, women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? I mean women pluck their real eyebrows out of their head, one by one, until they're bald, Jerry. Bald above the eyes! And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that.

Jerry: Well, let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift a hundred pounds over his head without even knowing it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook.
Elaine: He can really do that?