Cosmo Kramer Quotes Page 1 of 41

Quote from The Package

Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

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Quote from The Jimmy

Kramer: You know, you really shouldn't brush 24 hours before seeing the dentist.
Jerry: I think that's eat 24 hours before surgery.
Kramer: Oh, no, you got to eat before surgery. You need your strength.

Quote from The Pool Guy

Kramer: [answers phone] Hello, and welcome to Moviefone. Brought to you by The New York Times and Hot 97. Coming to theaters this Friday: Kevin Bacon, Susan Sarandon, "You've got to get me over that mountain!" "No!" [bang, bang] "Argh" There is no place higher than ... Mountain High. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press 1.
Elaine: Kramer, is that you?
Kramer: Elaine?
Elaine: Uh, what time does Chow Fun start?
Kramer: I don't know.

Quote from The Cafe

Kramer: Anyway, it's been two years. I mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that?
Jerry: Statute.
Kramer: What?
Jerry: Statute of limitations. It's not a statue.
Kramer: No, it's statue.
Jerry: Fine, it's a sculpture of limitations.
Kramer: Just wait a minute. Elaine, Elaine! Now, you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations?
Elaine: Statute.
Kramer: Oh, I really think you're wrong.

Quote from The Implant

Jerry: Oh, how can you be so sure?
Kramer: Jerry, are you blind? He's a writer. He said his name was Sal Bass. Bass. Instead of salmon, he want with bass. He just substituted one fish for another.
Jerry: Look, you idiot. First of all, it's "Salman", not "Salmon".
Kramer: Jerry! Jerry, you're missing the big picture.

Quote from The Switch

Kramer: [enters] What's so funny? What?
Elaine: Cosmo?
Kramer: All right. All right. Okay, so you the name now. The cat is.... out of the bag.
Jerry: Well, I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping it a secret all these years.
Elaine: It's not such a bad name.
Kramer: Well, you know, all my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on that's who I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo!

Quote from The Fusilli Jerry

Kramer: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my new plates. My name is Kramer. Cosmo Kramer.
Clerk: Kramer. [checks computer] All right.
Kramer: All righty.
Clerk: Sign right here, please.
Kramer: Okay. [The clerk hands him a manila envelope]. Thanks. [opens the envelope] Assman? Oh, no, these don't belong to me. I'm not the Assman. I think there's been a mistake.
Clerk: What's your name again?
Kramer: Cosmo Kramer.
Clerk: [checks computer again] Cosmo Kramer. You are the Assman.
Kramer: No! I'm not the Assman.
Clerk: Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are.

Quote from The Fusilli Jerry

George: So, did you get your new plates?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
George: What do they say?
Kramer: Assman.
Jerry: Assman?
Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!

Quote from The Bizarro Jerry

Jerry: It's 8 in the morning. What the hell is going on?
Kramer: Breakfast. I gotta be in at Brandt-Leland by 9.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Because I'm working there, that's why.
Jerry: How long have I been asleep? What year is it?
Kramer: Look, Jerry, I don't know if you've noticed, but lately I've been drifting aimlessly.
Jerry: Now that you mention it...
Kramer: But I finally realized what's missing in my life. Structure. And at Brandt-Leland, I'm getting things done. And I love the people I'm working with.
Jerry: How much are they paying you?
Kramer: No, no, no. I don't want any pay. I'm doing this just for me.
Jerry: Clearly. So, what do you do down there all day?
Kramer: TCB. You know, taking care of business.
Kramer: I gotta go. All right, then. I'll see you tonight. Forget my briefcase.
Jerry: Well, what do you got in there?
Kramer: Crackers.

Quote from The Yada Yada

Jerry: So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to him that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.
Kramer: Those people? Listen to yourself.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream.
Jerry: Whatley's from Jersey.
Kramer: Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American.
Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite!
Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools.
Jerry: They do have their own schools!
Kramer: Yeah!

Quote from The Merv Griffin Show

Kramer: It's the Merv Griffin set
Jerry: How did you get this in here?
Kramer: Oh, you just bring it in sideways and [clicks tongue] hook it.
Jerry: So where are you gonna sleep?
Kramer: The backstage.
Elaine: Phew! This chair smells like garbage.
Kramer: Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's, they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV. Yeah, you can take Mannix for example.
Jerry: [phone rings] I'm gonna get that.
Kramer: All right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime. Well, Elaine Benes! Well, it's great to have you! Why, is it possible that you are even more beautiful than the last time I saw you?

Quote from The Strike

Kramer: Great news. Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work.
Jerry: What strike?
Kramer: Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.
Jerry: You?
Elaine: Worked?
Jerry: Bagels?
Kramer: Yeah. Look, see. I still have my business card. [shows it to Elaine] Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years.
Elaine: Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there, but I haven't seen them in a long time.
Kramer: Yeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use their bathroom while we were picketing. It put a cramp on our solidarity.
Elaine: What were your demands?
Kramer: Yeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now.
Elaine: I believe that's the new minimum wage.
Kramer: And now you know who to thank for that! All right, I've got to go.
Jerry: Why didn't you ever mention this?
Kramer: Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing.

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