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‘The Shower Head’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Shower Head

716. The Shower Head

Aired February 15, 1996

Jerry is determined to get his parents back to Florida after they move into Uncle Leo's apartment in New York. Elaine loses her at J. Peterman after she fails a drug test. Meanwhile, Kramer is upset when the building manager installs low-flow shower heads.

Quote from J. Peterman

Elaine: Oh, hi, Mr. Peterman. Do you realize how short the Kalahari Bushmen are? I'm going to look like a giant to those guys. [laughs]
J. Peterman: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa.
Elaine: What? Why not?
J. Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for opium.
Elaine: Opium?
J. Peterman: That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.
Elaine: That's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz must have made a mistake.
J. Peterman: Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.

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Quote from Jerry

[on The Tonight Show:]
Jay Leno: Welcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, let me ask you. I saw some people back there. They look like family? Is that family?
Jerry: Yeah, I got some family backstage. Of course my family's nuts. They're crazy. Yeah. My Uncle Leo, I had lunch with him the other day. He's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on anti-Semitism. You know what I mean? The spaghetti's not al dente? Ah, the cook's an anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. Even the horse. Even the animal. Doesn't get a good seat at temple on the High Holy Days? Rabbi? Anti-Semite.

Quote from Uncle Leo

Uncle Leo: Look at this. I told them medium rare. It's medium.
Jerry: Hey, it happens.
Uncle Leo: I bet that cook is an anti-Semite!
Jerry: He didn't see you. He has no idea who you are.
Uncle Leo: They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.
Jerry: All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goebbels made your hamburger is...

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: How could I have tested positive twice? I mean, once I could understand, that's a mistake. But twice?
Waitress: Yeah, it's hard to figure.
Elaine: I mean I lost my job, I can't go to Africa. I was gonna meet the Bushmen of the Kalahari.
Waitress: Ah, the Bushmen?
Elaine: And the Bushwomen.
Man: Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. I notice you're eating a poppy seed muffin.
Elaine: Yeah, I eat these muffins all the time.
Man: Well, you know what opium is made from...
Elaine: Poppies!

Quote from J. Peterman

Elaine: Mr Peterman! What are you doing?
J. Peterman: Elaine, you're out of control. You need help.
Elaine: Huh?
J. Peterman: I know what you're going through. I, too, once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtze in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest.
Elaine: Oh, for God's sake.
J. Peterman: I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone. But a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," he said. That was all it took.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.
J. Peterman: Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have till 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Estelle Costanza: We're moving to Florida.
George: What? You're moving to Florida? That's wonderful! I'm so happy! ... For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do you need this cold weather for?
Frank Costanza: Has nothing to do with the weather, it's because of the Seinfelds.
George: What do you mean?
Frank Costanza: They don't want us there, so we're going. We're moving right into Del Boca Vista!
George: So you're moving there for spite!
Frank Costanza: Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza what to do!
George: That's right, who the hell are they? How dare they?!

Quote from Jerry

Uncle Leo: Move back with Lydia?
Jerry: Come on, you're lucky to have anybody.
Uncle Leo: Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging.
Jerry: Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.
Uncle Leo: But she's an anti-Semite.
Jerry: Can you blame her?

Quote from J. Peterman

Kramer: Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower.
Elaine: What's wrong with your shower?
Kramer: There's no water pressure.
Elaine: Why don't you just go see Jerry?
[Mr. Peterman walks down the corridor and pauses as he overhears Elaine and Kramer's conversation]
Kramer: Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.
J. Peterman: Not on my watch! [grabs Kramer] I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else! [throws Kramer out] Go on, beat it!

Quote from Frank Costanza

Morty Seinfeld: [answers phone] Hello?
Frank Costanza: This is Frank Costanza.
Morty Seinfeld: What do you want?
Frank Costanza: You think you can keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you to keep me out! [hangs up]
Morty Seinfeld: [to Helen] I'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida.

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: [on the phone] So, as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you.
Elaine: Oh, yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa?
J. Peterman: I'm afraid I can't take you.
Elaine: What? Why not?
J. Peterman: Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. You have the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman.
Elaine: But I wanted to see the Bushmen.
J. Peterman: Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Obviously, Mr. Peterman, there's something wrong with this test. I don't take opium. Let me take another one, please? I'll call the doctor right now, I'll take a pop urine test.
J. Peterman: All right, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, thank you Mr. Peterman. [drinks a glass of water] I'll be ready in three minutes.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Hey, you're not giving it to me, man. What's wrong?
Kramer: I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath.
Jerry: No good?
Kramer: It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.
Jerry: Well, you used to sit in that hot tub?
Kramer: Jerry, that was super-heated water. Nothing could live in that.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: A poppy seed! It must have been in the chicken. Oh, I'm dead. I'm going to the doctor's in a half an hour.
Helen Seinfeld: Why?
Elaine: It's a long story.
Helen Seinfeld: Just a second, I have to go to the bathroom.
Elaine: [rushes over to stop Helen] What are you gonna do in there?
Helen Seinfeld: What am I gonna do in the bathroom?
Elaine: You gotta do me a favor.
Helen Seinfeld: Elaine, I really--
Elaine: Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need your sample.
Helen Seinfeld: You want my urine?
Elaine: I need a clean urine sample from a woman.

Quote from Kramer

[Kramer enters Jerry's apartment with uncharacteristically flat hair]
Kramer: Jerry? Jerry!
[Jerry enters from the bathroom, his hair also flat]
Kramer: What, you too?
Jerry: Yeah!
Kramer: These showers are horrible. There's no pressure, I can't get the shampoo out of my hair.
Jerry: Me either.
Kramer: If I don't have a good shower, I am not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual. I'm not Kramer.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You get to a certain point with your parents where really the only thing you can do with them is eat. You can't talk anymore but you want to at least try and keep your mouths moving. And they're so anxious for it, you know. You come in: "How was the plane? You must be hungry." "How did you sleep? Are you ready for breakfast?" My mother will argue with me about what I like. "Can I have a piece of pumpkin pie?" "You don't like pumpkin pie." "Yes, I do." "Since when?" "What's the difference? Can I have it?" "No, I have never seen you eat a piece of pumpkin pie."

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Mr. Peterman sent me over here for a physical because, as you may or may not know, he and I are going on a trip to Kenya. Africa. My first such mission for the company. The Massai bushmen wear these great sandals and we're gonna knock them off. Not the Massai, the sandals.
Doctor: I'll need a urine sample.
Elaine: Right.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Jerry: [answers phone] Hello?
Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, what time do we have to be at the the Tonight Show on Thursday.
Jerry: You gotta be there at 4:30.
Morty Seinfeld: But it comes on 11:30.
Jerry: Yeah, well they tape it in the afternoon and then they air it at 11:30.
Morty Seinfeld: How long they been doing this?
Jerry: 30 years.
Morty Seinfeld: [shouts] Helen, did you know that they tape this thing in the afternoon?
Jerry: All right, I'll see you later.

Quote from George

Elaine: Georgie, how come your parents never moved to Florida?
George: Yeah, that is odd, isn't it?
Jerry: Yeah, it is.
George: I mean, they're retired.
Jerry: No economic reason for them to be here.
George: They have no friends.
Jerry: No social reason for them to be here.
Elaine: You're all grown up.
George: Yeah, they're through ruining my life. What the hell are they still doing here? Let me see this pamphlet. Hm. All right, I'll, uh, get back to you. [leaves with the pamphlet]

Quote from Estelle Costanza

George: Whew! Boy, it's cold outside, huh? Oh, these New York winters. Ha! Bitter cold, bitter.
Frank Costanza: I was out for five minutes before, I couldn't feel my extremities.
Estelle Costanza: What extremities?

Quote from George

George: You know what they got in Florida? Jai alai. You bet on the games, you clean up.
Estelle Costanza: I don't bet.
George: What about the dolphins? You could swim with the dolphins down there.
Estelle Costanza: I don't swim.
George: You could pet them. They come right out of the water onto the sidewalks.
Estelle Costanza: Are you trying to get rid of us?
George: Rid? Nah, come on. The word is care. Care. I care about your comfort, be it here in Queens or twelve-hundred miles away.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: This is your dressing room? They treat you like Toscanini.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Oh, Jerry. I don't know how you can do this. I'm so nervous for you.
Jerry: Actually, I'm drunk.

Quote from Frank Costanza

George: Hey, hey, how was Florida?
Morty Seinfeld: Well, we just bought a new place down there.
Estelle Costanza: I know, we were looking at the brochure.
Morty Seinfeld: What?
Helen Seinfeld: Why, you thinking of moving?
Frank Costanza: Not really.
Morty Seinfeld: Because if you are, you shouldn't. There's nothing available in that development.
Frank Costanza: Are you telling me there's not one condo available in all of Del Boca Vista?
Morty Seinfeld: That's right. They went like hotcakes.
Frank Costanza: How'd you get yours?
Morty Seinfeld: Got lucky.
Frank Costanza: [shouting] Are you trying to keep us out of Del Boca Vista?!

Quote from Newman

Jerry: Hello, Newman.
Newman: Hello, Jerry. Well, I may have a solution to our little problem. Elaine, would you excuse us?
Elaine: Oh, come on, Newman.
Newman: I have a private matter to discuss with my fellow tenants. [opens door] If you don't mind...
Elaine: Jerry?
Newman: Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! [pushes Elaine out]

Quote from Newman

Newman: All right, now here's the lowdown. From a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. Aand from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
Jerry: Not from the footage I've seen.
Newman: Nevertheless, sometime this afternoon, behind the Market Diner, an unmarked van will be waiting. I'm expecting the call at any time. Are you in?
Kramer: I'm down. [places hand on Newman's hand]
Newman: Jerry? [Jerry reluctantly places his finger on Kramer's hand]

Quote from George

George: Jerry? Jerry! I'm busting! I'm busting!
Jerry: What's going on?
George: My parents are moving to Florida.
Jerry: Are you kidding?
George: Can you believe it? It's happening. It's finally happening. I'm free!
Jerry: Where are they moving to?
George: Del Boca Vista.
Jerry: Del Boca Vista? That's where my parents are gonna live.
George: I know.
Jerry: We could visit together.
George: Every five years! [they high five]

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Jerry: [answers phone] Hello.
Morty Seinfeld: Hello, Jerry? It's your father.
Jerry: Oh, hi Dad.
Morty Seinfeld: Listen, is it all right if we move in with you for a little while? [breaking glass] What was that?
Jerry: Nothing. A bottle broke. That's all. What do you mean, you're gonna move in here?
Morty Seinfeld: Because the Costanzas are moving into Del Boca Vista.
Jerry: But it's a big complex.
Morty Seinfeld: You don't understand, you gotta have a buffer zone.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: They're not going back to Florida. They're moving here.
George: What? Why?
Jerry: Because your parents are going down there. My buffer zone just went from twelve hundred miles down to two feet! You gotta do something.
George: Hey, I'm sorry, you had your buffer zone for many years. It's my turn to live, baby.
Jerry: You know what you're doing, don't you? You're killing Independent Jerry! I gotta go see my Uncle Leo. I think he may have made a big mistake.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: Should I use a coffee cup?
Elaine: Yeah, a coffee cup's fine.
Helen Seinfeld: Or maybe a juice glass.
Elaine: Yes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect.
Helen Seinfeld: This one is kind of scratched.
Elaine: It doesn't matter.
Helen Seinfeld: How about a milk glass?
Elaine: A milk glass, a juice glass, any glass, just pick a glass.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry doesn't wash these very well.
Elaine: Mrs. Seinfeld, choose a glass! Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld!

Quote from Kramer

Salesman: All right, I got everything here. I got the Cyclone F series, Hydra Jet Flow, Stockholm Superstream, you name it.
Jerry: What do you recommend?
Salesman: What are you looking for?
Kramer: Power, man. Power.
Newman: Like Silkwood.
Kramer: That's for radiation.
Newman: That's right.
Kramer: Now, what is this?
Salesman: That's the Commando 450, I don't sell that one. What about thi-
Kramer: Well, that's what we want, the Commando 450.
Salesman: Nah, believe me. It's only used in the circus. For elephants.
Newman: We'll pay anything. We've got the... What about Jerry?
Kramer: He couldn't handle that. He's delicate.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Frank Costanza: Take my swim trunks. I won't need them.
Estelle Costanza: What does he want with your swim trunks?
Frank Costanza: Why should they go to waste?!


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