Elaine: Oh, hi, Mr. Peterman. Do you realize how short the Kalahari Bushmen are? I'm going to look like a giant to those guys. [laughs]
J. Peterman: I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa.
Elaine: What? Why not?
J. Peterman: I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for opium.
Elaine: Opium?
J. Peterman: That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.
Elaine: That's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz must have made a mistake.
J. Peterman: Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.

[on The Tonight Show:]
Jay Leno: Welcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, let me ask you. I saw some people back there. They look like family? Is that family?
Jerry: Yeah, I got some family backstage. Of course my family's nuts. They're crazy. Yeah. My Uncle Leo, I had lunch with him the other day. He's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on anti-Semitism. You know what I mean? The spaghetti's not al dente? Ah, the cook's an anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. Even the horse. Even the animal. Doesn't get a good seat at temple on the High Holy Days? Rabbi? Anti-Semite.

Elaine: How could I have tested positive twice? I mean, once I could understand, that's a mistake. But twice?
Waitress: Yeah, it's hard to figure.
Elaine: I mean I lost my job, I can't go to Africa. I was gonna meet the Bushmen of the Kalahari.
Waitress: Ah, the Bushmen?
Elaine: And the Bushwomen.
Man: Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. I notice you're eating a poppy seed muffin.
Elaine: Yeah, I eat these muffins all the time.
Man: Well, you know what opium is made from...
Elaine: Poppies!

Uncle Leo: Look at this. I told them medium rare. It's medium.
Jerry: Hey, it happens.
Uncle Leo: I bet that cook is an anti-Semite!
Jerry: He didn't see you. He has no idea who you are.
Uncle Leo: They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.
Jerry: All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goebbels made your hamburger is...

Elaine: Mr Peterman! What are you doing?
J. Peterman: Elaine, you're out of control. You need help.
Elaine: Huh?
J. Peterman: I know what you're going through. I, too, once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was travelling the Yangtze in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest.
Elaine: Oh, for God's sake.
J. Peterman: I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone. But a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste," he said. That was all it took.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.
J. Peterman: Oh, Elaine. The toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have till 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.

Estelle Costanza: We're moving to Florida.
George: What? You're moving to Florida? That's wonderful! I'm so happy! ... For you! I'm so happy for you! Oh, what do you need this cold weather for?
Frank Costanza: Has nothing to do with the weather, it's because of the Seinfelds.
George: What do you mean?
Frank Costanza: They don't want us there, so we're going. We're moving right into Del Boca Vista!
George: So you're moving there for spite!
Frank Costanza: Absolutely. No one tells Frank Costanza what to do!
George: That's right, who the hell are they? How dare they?!

Uncle Leo: Move back with Lydia?
Jerry: Come on, you're lucky to have anybody.
Uncle Leo: Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging.
Jerry: Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.
Uncle Leo: But she's an anti-Semite.
Jerry: Can you blame her?

Kramer: Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower.
Elaine: What's wrong with your shower?
Kramer: There's no water pressure.
Elaine: Why don't you just go see Jerry?
[Mr. Peterman walks down the corridor and pauses as he overhears Elaine and Kramer's conversation]
Kramer: Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.
J. Peterman: Not on my watch! [grabs Kramer] I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else! [throws Kramer out] Go on, beat it!

Morty Seinfeld: [answers phone] Hello?
Frank Costanza: This is Frank Costanza.
Morty Seinfeld: What do you want?
Frank Costanza: You think you can keep us out of Florida? We're moving in lock, stock and barrel. We're gonna be in the pool. We're gonna be in the clubhouse. We're gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you to keep me out! [hangs up]
Morty Seinfeld: [to Helen] I'm sorry, we can't go back to Florida.

J. Peterman: [on the phone] So, as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you.
Elaine: Oh, yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa?
J. Peterman: I'm afraid I can't take you.
Elaine: What? Why not?
J. Peterman: Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. You have the metabolism of a sixty-eight year old woman.
Elaine: But I wanted to see the Bushmen.
J. Peterman: Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.