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‘The Cartoon’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Cartoon

913. The Cartoon

Aired January 29, 1998

Jerry inadvertently pushes Sally (guest star Kathy Griffin) into the comedy business. Elaine can not figure out a New Yorker cartoon. After one too many moments of indescretion, Kramer decides to stop talking. Meanwhile, George dates a woman who looks like Jerry.

Quote from Newman

Newman: Excuse me, Miss Weaver? Oh, my God, it is you. I've seen your show six times.
Jerry: What a surprise.
Newman: You're great. It's great. It's so great to see a show that's about something. [looks at Jerry]

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Quote from Kramer

Jerry: So you're saying UNICEF is a scam?
Kramer: It's the perfect cover for a money-laundering operation. No one could keep track of all those kids with those little orange boxes of change.

Quote from George

Elaine: Now, we got a dog and a cat in an office.
Jerry: It looks like my accountant's office. There's no pets working there.
Elaine: The cat is saying, "I've enjoyed reading your e-mail."
George: Maybe it's got something to do with that 42 in the corner.
Elaine: That's a page number.
George: Well, I can't crack this one.
Elaine: Oh, this has gotta be a mistake.
George: Well, try shaking it.

Quote from Elaine

Mr. Elinoff: Yeah, that's a rather clever jab at inter-office politics, don't you think?
Elaine: Yeah. But why is it that the animals enjoy reading the e-mail?
Mr. Elinoff: Well, Miss Benes cartoons are like gossamer and one doesn't dissect gossamer. [chuckles]
Elaine: Well, you don't have to dissect it if you could just tell me why this is supposed to be funny.
Mr. Elinoff: Oh, it's merely a commentary on contemporary mores.
Elaine: But what is the comment?
Mr. Elinoff: It's a slice of life.
Elaine: No, it isn't.
Mr. Elinoff: A pun?
Elaine: I don't think so.
Mr. Elinoff: Vorshtein?
Elaine: That's not a word. You have no idea what this means.
Mr. Elinoff: No.
Elaine: Then why did you print it?
Mr. Elinoff: I like the kitty.
Elaine: You know what? You people should be ashamed of yourselves. You know, you doodle a couple of bears at a cocktail party talking about the stock market, you think you're doing comedy.
Mr. Elinoff: Actually, that's not bad.
Elaine: Oh, really? Well, you know, I have others.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Just read it.
Jerry: Pretty good.
Elaine: Pretty good? Well, this is a gem. Kramer, lookit. What? It's funny.
Jerry: It's a pig at a complaint department.
Elaine: Yeah, and he's saying, "I wish I was taller." See? That's his complaint.
Jerry: I get it.
Elaine: Do you? Because that's not a normal complaint.
Jerry: Well, how about if it was something like: "I can't find my receipt. My place is a sty."
Elaine: You know, everything with you has to be so jokey.
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
Elaine: "I wish I was taller." That's nice. That's real.
Jerry: Yeah, well, I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks.
Elaine: Well, I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks. The New Yorker. That's right. They're publishing it in their next issue.

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: Flash of lightning, Elaine. I just realized why I like this cartoon so much.
Elaine: Oh, do tell, sir.
J. Peterman: It's a "Ziggy."
Elaine: A "Ziggy"?
J. Peterman: That irreverence. That wit. I'd recognize it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen a "Ziggy" and passed it off as his own and I can prove it. Quick, Elaine, to my archives.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Oh, no. It's Sally Weaver.
Kramer: Oh, yeah, your old college roommate, huh?
Jerry: No, it's Susan Ross' old college roommate. She moved to New York. She's trying to become an actress.
Kramer: Oh. Dramatic or comedic?
Jerry: Untalented. She's always inviting me to see her in some bad play in a tiny room without ventilation. It's really depressing.
Kramer: Well, we don't go to enough theater.
Jerry: She should just give up.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Hey.
Sally Weaver: Hey there, Mr. Too-Big-to-Come-to-My-Shows. I just came from tap. I'm all: Wooh! [chuckles] I'm on my way to an audition, still looking for that big break.
Kramer: Why don't you just give up?
Jerry: Kramer.
Kramer: Well, that's what Jerry says. Oh, now, face it. If it hasn't happened, it's not gonna happen. All right. Now, go grab us a booth. Join us?
Jerry: ... So Susan's dead.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, I think she was happy someone finally said it.
Jerry: Why did you have to say anything to her?
Kramer: Well, I felt the conversation was lagging.
Jerry: Why can't you ever just keep your big mouth shut?
Kramer: I come in here to have a pleasant meal, and if we're not gonna have one, I'll grab a bite to eat at your place.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: You know, maybe Kramer was right. Some people should just give up. I have.
Jerry: What did you wanna be?
Elaine: I don't remember, but it certainly wasn't this. Look at this cartoon in The New Yorker. I don't get this.
Jerry: Me neither.
Elaine: And you're on the fringe of the humor business.

Quote from Elaine

George: [joins Jerry and Elaine] Hey.
Elaine: Hey, George, look at this.
George: That's cute.
Elaine: You get it?
George: No, never mind.
Elaine: Come on. We're two intelligent people here. We can figure this out.

Quote from George

George: Well, Janet should be here any minute.
Jerry: You've been hiding her from us. You must really like her.
George: Oh, Jerry, the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face. Her eyes, her mouth, nose.
Elaine: We know what a face consists of.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Jerry, she looks exactly like you.
Jerry: She does not.
Elaine: You know, maybe she doesn't. I don't care.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, Kramer.
Kramer: Well, hey. You got some messages. Yeah. George, George, Elaine. George again. Elaine. Newman. But that was a crank call. Yeah, and some Sally woman called, says thanks a lot. Yeah, she's quitting the business. You ruined her life.
Jerry: What? You're the one who ruined her life.
Kramer: Well, that's not how she remembers it.
Jerry: Well, I gotta talk her out of this.
Kramer: I thought you said she stinks.
Jerry: She does stink. And she should quit. But I don't want it to be because of me. It should be the traditional route. Years of rejection and failure until she's spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Oh, who's Janet, huh?
Jerry: George's girlfriend. Elaine thinks she looks like me, but I think it's, as you would say, kooky talk.
Kramer: You know what woman I always thought you looked like? Lena Horne.
[George and Janet enter]
George: Hey. Hey.
Kramer: Hey, George. And you must look exactly like Jerry. You don't see this? Oh, you're like twins. This is eerie.
George: Kramer, what are you talking about? Janet doesn't look anything like Jerry.
Janet: Maybe we do look a little like each other.
George: No, what do you know about what you look like?
Kramer: Come on, George. Relax. Just because they look alike, that doesn't mean you're secretly in love with Jerry.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Yeah, she's a nice girl, kind of quiet, though.
Jerry: What are you doing? Don't tell a woman she looks like a man. And George doesn't wanna hear his
girlfriend looks like me. Frankly, neither do I.
Kramer: Well, how should I have broached the subject?
Jerry: You don't broach. You keep your mouth shut.
Kramer: Well, sounds like someone's having a bad day.
Jerry: Yeah, because of you.
Kramer: Well, then I think one of us should leave.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Sally, you can't quit the business. This is all because of me? [Sally whimpers] You can't give up. You don't think people tell me I stink? When I'm on-stage that's all I hear. "You stink. You suck. We like magic."
Sally Weaver: Really?
Jerry: Of course. I stink. You stink. It's show biz. Everybody stinks.
Sally Weaver: Yeah, you've been stinking since the '80s.
Jerry: All right, I think we've covered my act. Now, you get out there and stink it up with everybody else.
Sally Weaver: All right. Yes. Thank you. I'm gonna do it. [she stays and plays with her food]
Jerry: Now.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Well, I've asked everyone at work and no one gets this cartoon. I mean, I don't understand why, but I am gonna get to the bottom of this.
Jerry: Oh, I think we're at the bottom.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Hey, George. Janet seems really nice. And she's quite a handsome woman.
George: What does that mean?
Jerry: Yeah, what does that mean?
George: What do you mean by that?
Elaine: Enjoy. [exits]

Quote from Jerry

Sally Weaver: Thank you. Hi. I think you're really gonna like this because it's about me. Well, all right, it's not just about me. It's about me, and this guy, Jerry Seinfeld, who I like to call the devil. Okay, okay. So I run into this Jerry on the street and then he says to me: "Hey, Sally, you stink. You should give up acting." Oh, I'm doing Jerry now, okay? So you have to imagine I have horns, a tail and hooves instead of feet. You know what I mean, that guy?
Kramer: [laughs]
Jerry: Oh, shut up.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: She does a full hour about how you're the devil? I gotta go see this thing.
Jerry: Good luck. It's sold out for the next three weeks.
Elaine: Well, I bet I can get in, once I mention I'm from The New Yorker.
Jerry: The New Yorker?
Elaine: Yes. The New Yorker. I met with their cartoon editor and I got him to admit that that cartoon made no sense.
Jerry: Wow, good work, Nancy Drew.
Elaine: So we ended up going out to lunch, and he had some great gossip about James Thurber.
Jerry: Nodding off.
Elaine: And he said I could submit some of my own cartoons.
Jerry: Wow, that's incredible, but you don't draw.
Elaine: I do too.
Jerry: What, your sad little horsies? The house with the little curl of smoke. The sunflower with the smiley face. The transparent cube.
Elaine: It's better than your drawings of naked Lois Lane.
Jerry: Where did you see that? Those are private.

Quote from Jerry

Sally Weaver: Jerry, sorry I'm late. Channel Nine is doing a piece on my show, isn't that great? Do you hate me?
Jerry: No, no, I thought the show was terrific. I was just wondering if you have to keep saying Jerry Seinfeld is the devil.
Sally Weaver: Well, that is the title.
Jerry: I know, but I thought maybe you could mention how I apologized and encouraged you to stick with it?
Sally Weaver: You know, I workshopped that and snoozers. But I'll tell you what, I'll tinker. It's all a journey.
Jerry: Thanks. You got a little schmutz there.

Quote from Jerry

Newscaster: [on TV] Thanks for watching Nine News. We leave you tonight with a scene from Sally Weaver's one-woman show.
Sally Weaver: [on TV] Okay, so, I go to meet Jerry Seinfeld at this horrible coffee shop, right? He's like, "Stop doing your show." And I'm like, "Hello, it's a free country." So then he goes, "Okay, schmutzie." Then he starts pawing at my sweater, right? And getting all, you know, "Hands Across America."
Jerry: There really was schmutz. I didn't try and grab her.
Sally Weaver: And this is what he looks like when he is eating:
Jerry: [turns TV off] Get out of my house.

Quote from Jerry

Sally Weaver: [on TV] "to cease and desist, on behalf of my client, Jerry Seinfeld." Signed, crybaby Jerry Seinfeld's lawyer. Okay. Well, I've got two words for you, Jerry Seinfeld: [beep] you.
Jerry: How could she say that on TV? And how did she get a cable special? I've never gotten a cable special. Well, that's it. I'm not giving her any more material. We are incommunicado. Exactly.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Check it out. From the new issue of The New Yorker. It's funny, isn't it?
Dugan: No.
Elaine: Look at it. The pig wants to be taller. And what's this guy gonna say, huh? Nothing.

Quote from Elaine

J. Peterman: Elaine, I'm afraid I have incurred yet another flat tire.
Elaine: Can I fix that after lunch, sir?
J. Peterman: Oh, no, right away. Chop-chop. Ooh, a new cartoon. "I wish I was taller." [laughs] I'd like to see that complaint get rectified.
Elaine: You see? See? Smart people think this is funny. And you wanna know why? Because I wrote it.
Dugan: You shouldn't make fun of pigs.

Quote from George

George: This relationship, it's got to be about something. And fast, or I am in very serious and weird trouble. What else happened?
Janet: You asked for a piece of gum because you thought your breath smelled like hummus.
George: All right. Yes. Gum. Good enough. I'll take it.
Janet: I like gum.
George: I do too. You see, that's what we're about. You don't remind me of anyone and we love gum.
Janet: I have gum in my hair.
George: Oh, I'm losing it.

Quote from Kramer

Sally Weaver: Hey, you're Jerry's friend. You're kooky. Mind if I sit? My show is going well. Have you seen it yet? You should. Everybody else in town has. Oh, you know what, I got recognized the other day. How weird is that? I know. At first I liked the attention. But after a while it's like, "Whoa, take three steps back. Get a life," okay? Of course, there wouldn't be a Sally Weaver without the fans, you know what I mean? But who am I, anyway? I mean, there's Sally Weaver the woman. Sally Weaver the artist. Sally Weaver...
Kramer: You know, you've gotta shut up. I'm sorry. I haven't spoken in days.
Sally Weaver: Well, lay it on me, string bean.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: You ripped off a "Ziggy"?
Elaine: It must have seeped into my subconscious. Puddy has "Ziggy" bed sheets. Did you read the comics today?
Jerry: Oh, I see Ziggy's back at the complaint department. "The New Yorker is stealing my ideas." [chuckles] See, that's funny... because it's real.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Hey, lookit. Sally's cable show's on.
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, come on in. You gotta watch this. This'll be funny. Now, she's got nothing.
Sally Weaver: [on TV] Master of evil, Jerry Seinfeld, broke off all contact with me.
Jerry: That's right, sister. Why don't you just give up?
Elaine: Why are you yelling at the TV?
Sally Weaver: [on TV] Okay, get this. I heard he makes his best friend date women who look just like him. Hello? Issues.
Jerry: Elaine, have you been talking to her?
Elaine: Hey, I'm just a fan.
Sally Weaver: Oh, and speaking of issues, guess who got a no-polish manicure and begged his neighbor
not to tell anyone.
Jerry: [to Kramer] I thought you stopped talking.
Kramer: All right, starting now.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Elaine, huh? She's completely...
George: Oh, I know. Because you don't think Janet...
Jerry: No.
George: Why would I?
Jerry: It's ludicrous.
George: Yes.
Jerry: Neither one of us.
George: No.
Jerry: So.
George: Exactly.
Jerry: I'm not gay.
George: Neither am I.
Jerry: Kramer, get in here.
George: Kramer. Kramer. Where's that crazy man? Come on.
Kramer: Kramer, come on in here.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I've made an important life decision.
Jerry: Let's talk about that.
George: Don't leave.
Kramer: All right. I know I've been kind of shooting off at the mouth lately. First, with that girl whose life
you destroyed. And then about George dating a lady Jerry.
George: What's the decision?
Kramer: I know you want me to keep my big mouth shut. Well, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. I'm never gonna talk again.
Jerry: Yeah, right.
Kramer: What do I need to talk for, huh? What, to blab to the neighbors about how George has a new fem-Jerry friend? Or to tell everybody at the coffee shop how George is all mixed up in a perverse sexual amalgam
of some girl and his best friend? See, now, I've done all that. Now, it's time for silence.

Quote from George

Jerry: [inner monologue] My friends are idiots. She doesn't look like Jerry. She doesn't look like anybody. And so what if she does look like Jerry? What does that mean? That I'd have everything I have with Jerry, but because it's a woman I could also have sex with her? And that somehow, that would be exactly what I always wanted? She doesn't even look like Jerry.
Janet: I really do look a lot like your friend Jerry.
George: [out loud] I know.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Kramer, you're never gonna be able to completely stop talking.
Kramer: Jerry, 94 percent of communication is nonverbal. Here, watch. [mouths] What? What are you talking about?
Jerry: Well, what does this mean?
Kramer: Well, it's Frank and Estelle's reaction to hearing about George's man love for a she-Jerry.
George: Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
Kramer: That's the idea.


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