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‘The Switch’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Switch

611. The Switch

Aired January 5, 1995

When Jerry realizes his girlfriend never laughs at jokes, he wonders whether he can start dating her roommate instead. George is convinced his model girlfriend is throwing up after meals. Elaine lends out her boss's tennis racket in the hopes of getting a better job. Meanwhile, Kramer patches things up with his mother.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: It was unbelievable. You're right. The jokes kept bouncing off her like Superman.
Elaine: See, what did I tell you?
Jerry: And even when she did like something, she doesn't laugh. She says, "That's funny." "That's funny."
Elaine: Ooh, I better call that woman at Doubleday and see when I can pick up Mr. Pitt's racket.
Jerry: I mean how can I be with someone that doesn't laugh. It's like... Well, it's like something!

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Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [enters] What's so funny? What?
Elaine: Cosmo?
Kramer: All right. All right. Okay, so you the name now. The cat is.... out of the bag.
Jerry: Well, I got to hand it to you. You did a hell of a job keeping it a secret all these years.
Elaine: It's not such a bad name.
Kramer: Well, you know, all my life I've been running away from that name. That's why I wouldn't tell anybody. But I've been thinking about it. All this time I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid to face who I was. But I'm Cosmo, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer. And that's who I'm going to be. From now on that's who I'm going to be. I'm Cosmo!

Quote from George

George: Well, I heard a noise.
Jerry: What noise?
George: You know, blargh!
Jerry: What blargh?
George: From the bathroom.
Jerry: Oh, you think she was, uh, refunding?
George: Every time we go out to eat, the minute we we're done eating, she's running to the bathroom.
Elaine: So you're concerned.
George: Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm payin' for those meals. It's like throwing money down the toilet.
Jerry: In a manner of speaking.
George: Let me digest it. Let me get my money's worth. You know, what would be good is if there was someone else in the bathroom that could tell me.

Quote from George

George: Do you realize in the entire history of Western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the roommate switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!
Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: Well, for one thing, they didn't have apartments.
George: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200 somewhere, there were two women living together.

Quote from George

Jerry: So I tell Sandy that I want to have a manage trois with her and her roommate.
George: That's right.
Jerry: And you believe this course of action will have a two-pronged effect. Firstly, the very mention of the idea will cause Sandy to recoil in disgust, whereupon she will insist that I remove myself from the premises.
George: Keep going.
Jerry: At this point, it is inevitable that she will seek out the roommate to apprise her of this abhorrent turn of events.
George: Continue.
Jerry: The roommate will then offer her friend the requisite sympathy, even as part of her cannot help but feel somewhat flattered by her inclusion in the unusual request.
George: A few days go by, and a call is placed at a time when Sandy is known to be busy at work. Once the initial awkwardness is relieved with a little playful humor, which she of course cannot resist, an invitation to a friendly dinner is proffered.
Jerry: Well, it all sounds pretty good. There's only one flaw in it: They're roommates. She'd have to go out with me behind Sandy's back. She's not gonna do that.
George: You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy wants nothing to do with you. She tells Laura, "If you want to waste your time with that pervert, that's your problem."
Jerry: It's a perfect plan. So inspired. So devious. Yet so simple.
George: This is what I do.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and... I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains. I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. Nah, I'm not ready for it.

Quote from Kramer

George: Check that out.
Kramer: Whoa, you're dating this woman?
George: That's right.
Kramer: George, you're becoming one of the glitterati.
George: What's that?
Kramer: You know, people who glitter.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Tennis is the only sport where the uniform is what you would wear under your clothes in any other sport. You're actually out there in your underwear. Unless in the old days, you know, they would wear those long pants and the big heavy sweaters. How long did it take them to get over that? We're out here in the hot
sun, running around after a ball. What exactly are we all dressed up for? Maybe that's why they started keeping score like that. "Point? You know what? Make it 15. I'm dying in this sweater here!". "Oh, another one got by me? Take another 10 points. Let's just get this over with!".

Quote from Jerry

Sandy: So did you like the movie?
Jerry: Yeah, it was OK. Frankenstein didn't seem quite right to me. I missed the sport jacket.
Sandy: [nods silently]
Jerry: Not that it was that nice of a jacket. I mean it didn't fit him that well. But to me there's just something about a monster in a blazer. I mean, it shows at least he's making an effort.
Sandy: [nods silently] That's funny.
Jerry: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: My mother's a matron!
Elaine: Babs?
Kramer: Yeah, there. All right, I said it there. You satisfied? Anything else you want to know?
George: Kramer. Kramer, I need to know if Nina is refunding.
Kramer: Look, George, I can't help you, all right.
George: Why not? Why not?
Kramer: Let me go. Let me go. Because I haven't talked to my mother in five years. We just don't see eye to eye. I don't even want to get into my childhood. I'm still carrying a lot of pain. A lot of pain!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Hello. Oh, my goodness. What happened?
Landis: I tore my humeral epicondylitis.
Elaine: Oh.
Landis: My doctor said it might never fully heal. I may never play again.
Elaine: Oh, you'll be playing ...
Landis: If I can't play tennis, I don't know what I'll do.
Elaine: There are plenty of things you can do. There's chess and, um... Mahjong,
Landis: You don't know how lucky you are to be healthy ...
Elaine: And biking, and...
Landis: What am I going to do?
Elaine: Hiking...
Landis: [whimpers]
Elaine: [points to racket] Could I ...
Landis: If I can't play tennis I have no reason to live... [cries]
Elaine: You know, it's not important. I'm gonna... Okay, well, you know. Take care of that condolitis.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Ma?
Babs: Cosmo!
George: Cosmo?

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Well, when do you have to get the racket back to Mr. Pitt?
Elaine: Oh he's got a big match tomorrow with Ethyl Kennedy.
Jerry: He needs a $300 Bruline to beat Ethyl Kennedy?
Elaine: He'll only play with his racket.
Jerry: Well, why don't you wait 'til she's not there on her lunch hour and just take it?
Elaine: That's stealing?
Jerry: Stealing? You loaned her the racket!
Elaine: I know.

Quote from George

Jerry: So what happened with Kramer's mother?
George: It's all worked out. Nina and I will have dinner Thursday at the restaurant where Babs works.
Jerry: What's she like?
George: Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I was there I uh happened to pick up another juicy little nugget about our friend.
Elaine: Oh, I'm ready. What?
Jerry: What is it?
George: I... got the first name.
Elaine: You found out Kramer's first name?
George: That's right. You ready?
Jerry: We've been trying to get it out of him for ten years. What is it?
George: Cosmo.
Jerry & Elaine: Cosmo?
George: Cosmo.
Jerry & Elaine: Cosmo. [all laugh]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: And the worst part of course is that she also possessed many of the other qualities prized by the superficial man.
George: I see.
Jerry: So as you can see, I've got a bit of a problem here.
George: Well, if I hear you correctly, and I think that I do, my advice to you is to finish your meal, pay your check, leave here, and never mention this to anyone again.
Jerry: Can't be done, huh?
George: The switch?
Jerry: The switch.
George: Can't be done.
Jerry: I wonder.

Quote from George

George: All right. That's enough for today. You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll see you first thing in the morning.
Jerry: Aw, we can't do it. Who are we kidding? It's impossible. It's true. You can't do the switch! Nobody can do the switch! It was a stupid idea to begin with! Let's face it. I'm stuck with the non-laugher and that's that!
George: We'll come up with something.
Jerry: Yeah, sure we will.
George: All right. See you tomorrow. [sighs, exits]
[After a moment, George returns with great gusto]
George: [shouts] I got it!

Quote from George

George: That's unbelievable.
Jerry: Oh, it's a scene, man.
George: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?
Jerry: What are you talking about? I'm not going to do it.
George: You're not going to do it? What do you mean, you're not going to do it?
Jerry: I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.
George: Are you crazy? This is like discovering plutonium by accident.

Quote from George

George: If only something like that could happen to me.
Jerry: Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either.
George: I know.


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