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‘The English Patient’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The English Patient

817. The English Patient

Aired March 13, 1997

Jerry inadvertently challenges an old man, Izzy (guest star Lloyd Bridges), to lift weights. Elaine feels like she's the only one who didn't care for The English Patient. George is surprised to meet an attractive woman who's dating a man who looks like him. Meanwhile, Kramer has a plan to transport Cubans to New York.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Over there. The Dominicans.
Jerry: Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?
Kramer: Well, it didn't quite work out, and now I've got nothing for them to do.
George: So?
Kramer: So, I taught them all about Cuba, and they really took to it. You know, Marxism, the Worker's Revolution, the clothing.
Jerry: Boy, they seem pretty angry about something.
Kramer: Yeah. I'm a little worried. When there's no work, and the people get restless, who do you think they come after? [points to himself] El Presidente!

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Quote from Elaine

J. Peterman: Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes, because I can't take my eyes off the passion.
Elaine: No. No, I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. [to the screen] Quit telling your stupid story, about the stupid desert and just die already! [shouts] Die!
All: Ssh.
J. Peterman: Elaine. You don't like the movie?
Elaine: [shouts] I hate it!
All: Ssh.
Elaine: Oh, go to hell!!
J. Peterman: Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? You're fired.
Elaine: Great. I'll wait for you outside.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Sid: Somebody, call an ambulance.
Morty Seinfeld: There's already an ambulance here for Mrs. Glickman. There's room for one more.

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Jerry: This is quite a condo.
Morty Seinfeld: The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.
Jerry: The crepe place?
Morty Seinfeld: Yeah. This is all big crepe money.
Jerry: There's crepe money?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know at the movies, they show that little ad for the concession stand?
Elaine: Where the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's playing the banjo?
Jerry: Oh, he's wailing on that banjo.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: I just don't understand the raisinettes.
Elaine: The sax player?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: The box of raisinettes runs up to the concession stand, buys another box of raisinettes.
Elaine: So?
Jerry: Box of raisinettes eating another box of raisinettes? It's perverse.
Elaine: He's not gonna eat them. He's buying them for his Pepsi girlfriend.
Jerry: Why's he dating a Pepsi? They're not having children.
Elaine: He's a musician.
Jerry: Musicians. Get a real job.

Quote from George

George: Jerry, figure this out. I'm in the coffee shop, and this beautiful girl I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend.
Jerry: That's a nice four seconds.
George: I look just like him. I. Me. This! This is what her boyfriend looks like. How is that possible?
Jerry: Maybe he has money.
George: Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he and I are exactly the same, except for one minor, yet crucial, detail. You never know.
Jerry: Sometimes you do.
George: Maybe it's some small thing I could change. Like a mustache. Or wearing a top hat, or a monocle, or a..or a cane.
Jerry: Who's she dating? Mr Peanut?
George: She could do a lot worse than Mr Peanut, my friend.

Quote from Elaine

Blaine: So, what do you wanna see?
Elaine: What about Sack Lunch?
Blaine: How about The English Patient? It's up for all those Oscars.
Elaine: Oh, come on Blaine. I mean, look at the poster for Sack Lunch.
Blaine: It's a family in a brown paper bag.
Elaine: Don't you wanna know how they got in there?
Blaine: No.
[The ticket attendant puts up a sign reading "Sack Lunch, Sold Out"]
Elaine: Aw. Sold out.
Blaine: Oh, two for The English Patient.
Elaine: So do you think they got shrunk down, or is it just a giant sack?

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's new physical fitness room. They got medicine balls, you can bike ride, anything you want.
Jerry: Stairmaster?
Morty Seinfeld: What?
Jerry: Nothing.
Morty Seinfeld: [opens his tracksuit] See what I'm wearing? [Morty's wearing the #1 Dad t-shirt]
Jerry: Oh, did you get that outta my bag?
Morty Seinfeld: No, your mother found it. Son, this is the most wonderful and thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.
Jerry: You know, I bought you a Cadillac. Twice.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: [on the phone] What is that bubbling sound? Are you making your tomato sauce?
Kramer: Hot and spicy.
Jerry: You're not wearing a shirt, are you?
Kramer: Yes, I am.
Jerry: What color is it?
Kramer: Damn it.

Quote from George

George: You know, you could've just given me Neil's number. You... You didn't have to take me out to dinner.
Danielle: I wanted to give it to you in person. You know, I don't have to be up in the morning, and I know a great breakfast place, right around the corner.
George: Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast?
Danielle: Why don't you come in? We'll take about it.
George: I really should get going. You know, I..I wanna be home in case Neil calls.
Danielle: Well, goodnight.
[Danielle leans in for a kiss, but an oblivious George turns and walks away]
George: I'll see you.

Quote from Jerry

Izzy: What are you doing here?
Jerry: Aw, Mr Mandelbaum, I just wanted to come by and tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.
Izzy: What the hell is that?
Jerry: What?
Izzy: That shirt. You think that you are the number #1 dad?
Morty Seinfeld: This was a gift from my son.
Izzy: Oh, I see how it works now. He knocks me out of commission, so you can strut around in your fancy number one shirt. Well, I'll show you who's number one. [starts to get out of bed]
Jerry: Mr Mandelbaum, please.
Izzy: It's go time. [his back cracks as he stands up] Ah! My back. I can't move.
Morty Seinfeld: Call an ambulance.
Jerry: I think I saw one a couple of doors down.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: This is your son?
Izzy: I got married in high school.
Izzy Jr.: Hey, who are you?
Izzy: This is Seinfeld's kid.
Izzy Jr.: Oh, you think you're tough, picking on an old man? Maybe you'd like to try taking on somebody your own age.
Jerry: You got any kids?
Izzy Jr.: Oh, you think you're better than me? Go ahead, pick out anything in the room here. I'll lift it up over my head.
Jerry: Look, no-one is lifting anything.
Izzy: The television.
Izzy Jr.: This one's for you, Pop. It's go time. [tries to pick up the TV] Oh! My back!
Izzy: Call an ambulance.
Jerry: We're already in a hospital.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: All right, I got to go back to the hospital.
George: What, to see the old guy?
Jerry: No, I got into a thing with the son, and now he's laid up too.
George: How old's the son?
Jerry: I think he's the same age as the father.
George: What is with this family?
Jerry: I dunno. It's like, if one of them dies, the other one wants to bench press the casket.

Quote from Jerry

Izzy Sr.: My boys.
Izzy: My dad.
Izzy Jr.: My grandpa.
Jerry: Oh, come on!
Izzy Sr.: What happened to him?
Jerry: He was trying to lift the TV.
Izzy Sr.: That TV?
Jerry: Oh, no. It's go time.
Izzy Sr.: [o.s.] [cracking sound] Oh!

Quote from Jerry

Izzy Sr.: Why didn't anybody tell me? It was bolted down!
Izzy: I still thought you could do it.
Izzy Jr.: Me too.
All: Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum!
Jerry: Fellas, fellas, look, I gotta go.
Izzy: Oh yeah, that's right. Go. Put us all in the hospital. And you've ruined our business with all your macho head games.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I didn't ruin your business.
Izzy: Yes, you did. There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan to roll the crepes. We gotta close it up.
Jerry: Don't you hire people to do that?
Izzy: Each crepe has to be hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum. That's what puts the magic in Magic Pan!
Jerry: So, you just need some guys that could roll them?
Izzy: Yeah.
Jerry: I think I can help you out. I'll see you later. [starts to leave]
Izzy Sr.: Hey, I can't see the TV.
[Jerry walks over to the TV, grabs it by the handles and lifts it and the cabinet its bolted to across the room]
Jerry: Here. [walks out]
Izzy: You think you're better than us, don't you?! Huh!?

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: He was gonna fire you?
Elaine: The only way I could talk him out of it was that I agreed to go and visit the Tunisian desert.
Jerry: Tunisia?
Elaine: That's where they filmed the movie. It's supposed to inspire me.
Jerry: Well, that doesn't sound so bad.
Elaine: I have to live in a cave.
Jerry: Oh.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: These Dominicans really know their way round a crepe. Look at that. It's like they're rolling a double corona. Just a cigar made outta bisquik, huh, Guillermo?

Quote from George

George: Danielle. Where's Neil? Is this him?
Danielle: Yeah, that blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly.
George: Whose cane is this?
Danielle: It's Neil's.
George: (to himself) A cane. I knew it. [to Neil] So, we meet at last. I admire your skills, Mr. Peanut.


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