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‘The Phone Message’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Phone Message

204. The Phone Message

Aired February 13, 1991

George is worried about a new relationship when his girlfriend doesn't return his calls. Meanwhile, Jerry can't get over the fact his girlfriend likes the Dockers commercial.

Quote from George

George: I can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of underwear.
Carol: You do not.
George: Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year.

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Quote from Elaine

Jerry: I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday, but can I go out with someone who actually likes this commercial.
Elaine: I once broke up with a guy because he didn't keep his bathroom clean enough.
Jerry: No kidding. Did you tell him that was the reason?
Elaine: Oh yeah, I told him all the time. You would not have believed his tub. Germs were building a town in there. They were constructing offices. Houses near the drain were going for $150,000.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda commercial people. Where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, flying through the air. It's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV? And it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jet-skiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there... "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other through. Because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them. You know, like the guy'll be like, "'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?" And of course the woman's looking at the guy, thinking "What is he looking at? Do I want somebody looking at me like this for the rest of my life?"

Quote from George

Jerry: You're still thinking about this?
George: She invites me up at twelve o'clock at night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't want coffee, it keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think of me.
Jerry: She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.
George: She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee. Coffee is sex.
Elaine: Maybe coffee was coffee.
George: Coffee's coffee in the morning, it's not coffee at twelve o'clock at night.
Elaine: Well, some people drink coffee that late.
George: Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who are on twenty-four hour missile watch.

Quote from George

George: Everything was going along so great: she was laughing, I was funny. I kept saying to myself "Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing great."
Elaine: It's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I think you should call her.
George: I can't call her now, it's too soon. I'm planning a Wednesday call.
Elaine: Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day.
George: Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes, [goofy voice] "Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night." If I call her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy. Women don't wanna see needy. They want a take-charge guy; a colonel, a kaiser, a tsar.
Elaine: All she'll think is that you like her.
George: That's what I'm trying to avoid.
Elaine: She wants you to like her.
George: Yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me, but she doesn't like me!
Elaine: I don't know what your parents did to you.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act. All right, you're up there, you're on the stage and you go "Hey, you ever notice how cars here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore. Someone's in a life-and-death situation, and we're thinking 'Well, sorry buddy, you should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sausages for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years.'" So you gonna use it?
Jerry: I don't think so.
Kramer: It's funny.
Elaine: It is funny.
Jerry: I like to do my own material.
Kramer: That's as good as anything you do.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone, "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone, "You can't talk to me like that!" ... "I told him!"

Quote from George

George: So then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, and she was sort of smiling at me, and I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her out, because when women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something and I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back, I don't know what to do. So I just stood there. Like, remember how Quayle looked when Benson gave him that Kennedy line? That's what I looked like.

Quote from George

George: So wait, wait. A half-hour later I'm back in the office, I tell Lloyd the whole story. He says "So why don't you call her". I says "I can't." I couldn't, I couldn't do it right then. For me to ask a woman out I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks. So Lloyd calls me a wuss.
Jerry: He said wuss?
George: Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.
Jerry: So you called?
George: Right. And, and to cover my nervousness I started eating an apple, because I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual.
Jerry: Yeah, like a farm boy.
George: Right. So I call her up, I tell her it's me, she gives me an enthusiastic 'Hi!'
Jerry: Wow. Enthusiastic 'Hi!', that's beautiful.
George: Oh, I don't get the enthusiastic 'Hi!', I'm outta there.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: All right, so you're chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic 'Hi!' Go ahead.
George: So, we're talking, and I don't like to go too long before I ask them out, I wanna get it over with right away, so I just blurt out "What are you doing Saturday night?"
Jerry: And?
George: She bought.
Jerry: Great day in the morning.
George: Then I got off the phone right away.
Jerry: Sure, it's like robbing a bank. You don't loiter around in front of the teller holding that big bag of money. You come in, you hit and get out.

Quote from George

Carol: So, er, thanks for dinner. It was great.
George: Yeah. We should do this again.
Carol: Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee?
George: Oh, no, thanks. I can't drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up.
Carol: ... So, um, OK.
George: OK.
Carol: Goodnight.
George: Yeah, take it easy.
[After Carol leaves the car, George realizes what he did and bangs his forehead in disgust]

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note, it's common courtesy. I don't know, that's just the way I was brought up.
Donna: Values are very important.
Jerry: Oh, so important.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Tan pants. Why do I buy tan pants, Donna? I don't feel comfortable in them.
Donna: Are those cotton Dockers?
Jerry: Oh, I can't begin to tell you how much I hate that commercial.
Donna: Really? I like that commercial. [Jerry pauses]
Jerry: You like that commercial?
Donna: Yeah, it's clever.
Jerry: Now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing around, supposedly being very casual and witty?
Donna: Yeah, that's the one.
Jerry: What could you possibly like about that?
Donna: I don't know, I like the guys.
Jerry: [sarcastically] Yeah, they're so funny and so comfortable with each other. And I could be comfortable too, if I had pants like that. I could sit on a porch and wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session.
Donna: Hey, I know guys like that. To me the dialogue rings true.
Jerry: Even if the dialogue did ring true. Even if somehow, somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with the pants? Doesn't that bother you?
Donna: That's the idea. That is what is clever about it. That they're not talking about the pants.
Jerry: But they're talking about nothing.
Donna: That's the point.
Jerry: I know the point.
Donna: No one is telling you to like it.
Jerry: I mean, all those quick shots of the pants, just pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. What is that supposed to be?

Quote from George

George: All right, I gotta make a call. Everybody out, come on.
Jerry: Why do we have to leave?
George: Because I can't call a woman with other people in the room. Come on, let's go.
Elaine: Oh, see, this is the problem.
Jerry: You're kicking me out of my house?
George: Yes.
Elaine: Don't forget.
George: Oh, Jerry, do you have any apples?
Jerry: Don't do the apples. That's enough already with the apples.

Quote from George

Carol: [on answering machine] Hi, it's Carol, I'll get back to you. [beep]
George: Um, hi, it's George, George Costanza, remember me? The guy that didn't come up for coffee. You see, I didn't realize that coffee didn't really mean ... well, whatever. Anyway, it was fun. It was, erm, it was fun, so, oh boy, um, so, you call me back. If you want, it's up to you, you know, whatever you wanna do. Either way. The ball's in your court. So, er, take it easy.
Jerry: I'm just gonna get my jacket, I'll meet you downstairs. What's the matter, did you call?
George: Got her machine. I'm dead, I'm a dead man. That's it. I'm dead, I'm a dead man. Dead man.
Jerry: What did you say?
George: I don't know what the hell I said. I gave her an ultimatum and there's nothing I can do. It's a machine. The little light is blinking right now: "Come and listen to the idiot. Hey everybody, the idiot's on!"
Jerry: After one date you try and improvise on her machine?
George: Now I'm in the worst position of all.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Not once.
Donna: Never?
Jerry: I have never seen one episode of I Love Lucy in my life ever.
Donna: That's amazing.
Jerry: Thank you.
Donna: Is there anything else about you I should know?
Jerry: Yes, I'm lactose intolerant.
Donna: Really?
Jerry: I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it.

Quote from George

Donna: I'm Donna.
George: Donna. Oh, you're the one that likes that commercial!
Donna: He told you about that.
George: No, he, he didn't actually tell me that, uh, we were talking about that commercial. In fact I think I brought it up because I like that commercial. No, he, he would never tell me anything like that. He never discusses anything. He's, he's like a clam. You're not gonna mention this, to him..
Donna: [to Jerry] So you go around telling your friends I'm not hip because I like that commercial?
Jerry: What? [to George] What did, what did you say?
George: Say? What? Nothing, I..
Donna: You told him how I like the commercial.
Jerry: Well, so what if I said that?
Donna: Well, so, you didn't have to tell your friends.
Jerry: No, I had to tell my friends, my friends didn't have to tell you.
George: [to Donna] Why did you have to get me in trouble?
Donna: I don't like you talking about me with your friends behind my back.
George: Boy, oh, boy.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I said I couldn't believe you liked that commercial. So what?
Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the commercial.
Jerry: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Donna, really, you're making too much of this.
Kramer: One hundred percent Cotton Dockers, if they're not Dockers, they're just pants!

Quote from George

George: Okay, so you remember I made the initial call Sunday, she doesn't call back. I call again Monday, I leave another message. I call Tuesday, I get the machine again: "I know you're there, I don't know what your story is." Yesterday, I'm a volcano. I try one more call, the machine comes on, and fly like Mussolini from the balcony. "Where the hell do you get the nerve? You invite me up for coffee and then you don't call me back for four days? I don't like coffee, I don't have to come up. I'd like to get one more shot at the coffee just so I could spit it in your face."
Jerry: You said that?
George: I lost it.

Quote from George

Jerry: How you gonna get me up there?
George: I'll tell her I bumped into you, I'm giving you a ride uptown.
Jerry: And who makes the switch?
George: You do.
Jerry: I do.
George: I can't do it. I'll, I'll keep her busy.
Jerry: I can't get involved in this.
George: I think I may be in love with this woman.
Jerry: What if she sees me?
George: Oh, you are such a wuss.
Jerry: A wuss?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Did you call me a wuss?

Quote from George

George: Well, there is traffic. It might take her till eight-fifteen.
Jerry: I got one problem: you're keeping her busy in the other room. Now, what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? You have to signal me that she's coming.
George: A signal? Right, erm, OK... Er, OK, the signal is, I'll call out "Tippy toe!"
Jerry: "Tippy Toe?" I don't think so.
George: You don't like "Tippy toe?"
Jerry: No "Tippy toe."
George: All right. Er, OK I got it, erm, I'll sing.
Jerry: What song?
George: Erm, "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?"
Jerry: What is that?
George: Oh, it's a lovely song. [sings] How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Jerry: Anything else?
George: You pick it.
Jerry: "Lemon Tree".
George: Peter, Paul and Mary.
Jerry: No, Trini Lopez.
Both: [singing] Lemon tree very pretty and a lemon flower
George: Okay.

Quote from George

George: You got the tape?
Jerry: Standard. Micro.
George: How do you feel? Confident?
Jerry: Feel good.
George: You nervous?
Jerry: Not at all.
George: Get up, get up, it's her. Oh, the hell with this, I'm scared to death, just walk away, it's off, cancel everything, go!

Quote from George

George: I know Jerry. He has this phobia about public toilets. I think we really should go upstairs.
Carol: You know, I think I will go upstairs. I can check my machine.
George: Right, right.

Quote from George

Carol: That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?
George: [to Jerry] Don't you find that strange?
Jerry: Yes.
Carol: Well, I'll just check my machine and we'll go. No, nothing here, let's go. Oh, I forgot to tell you. After I talked to you today my neighbor called me and played my messages to me over the phone.
George: Oh, uh...
Carol: Yours were hilarious, we were both cracking up. I just love jokes like that. [laughs]


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